Chapter 19 Who’s Whose?
Who’s Whose?
I studied Lucien now as he silently watched me. From the moment I first saw his human form, I was a goner for his looks. No one could be this good looking, after all. And yet to be able to want only him for the rest of my life? Knowing that the chances of him returning these feelings were zero?
It sounded like a fucking nightmare.
But what about everything that happened? a little nagging voice whispered in my head. What about going with him to San Diego and helping him confront his Beta?
My own memories, and possibly life, were at stake by then, though, I replied to that voice.
So why were you angry with him when he told you he would return you home safe and sound? the voice insisted.
Because that sounded like an excuse! I snapped back. Besides, the danger from the Sable Syndicate, whatever they are, was still unresolved, so that must’ve meant I was still in danger too.
I could swear my own inner voice was laughing at me, taunting me.
He said he would put security on you to ensure your safety, though.
But there is no being safe from him. He said he’s a bigger danger, after all.
He’s a werewolf, a creature from storybooks.
Why did you so readily trust him? Why did you believe with your entire heart that he wouldn’t hurt you, body and soul?
I’m his Eteria, I cried back. He couldn’t hurt me, or he would risk hurting himself!
But is that even the truth? the voice whispered. He said your soul is bound to him, after all, not that your souls are bound to each other . . .
“I feel pain where you were wounded on your side,” I said now, my voice distorted somehow, as I felt suddenly lightheaded. “That’s because I’m your Eteria.”
It wasn’t a question, since now, I knew the answer.
This wasn’t just about brainwashing and being able to love only him.
It was also about much more than simply my soul being connected to his—or rather, to him.
“Yes,” he replied in a lower voice.
“Because my soul is bound to you,” I murmured, and saying the words out loud now, after what he’d just revealed, sounded utterly unbelievable all of a sudden. On the surface, it sounded like I was his soulmate or something—but this couldn’t be. It was me we were talking about.
And my position was always to look up to men like him, not to get involved with them.
“Yes,” he said again, gritting his teeth this time.
Pain spread across my chest at his obvious disgust at the situation. Of course he would be disgusted. Why would someone like him want me as an Eteria?
The thought caused my breath to catch and the pain to turn sharper, deeper, and so I swerved my thoughts in a different direction. Returning to focus on the matter at hand.
Recalling what Enoch and his assistant, Anais, had talked about before Lucien shifted into his human form and kicked them out, I had a feeling I finally got it. “You’re doing something to prevent me from feeling the wound on your back,” I deduced, watching him closely.
His lifeless expression suddenly twisted into obvious displeasure. “I wish you didn’t realize that,” he growled, angry, but obviously not at me.
I folded my arms. “This is why it takes you so long to heal,” I said, glaring at him now. “You’re trying to protect me from the pain.”
He rose to his feet suddenly, and I did everything I could to keep my eyes on his face. Because now that I knew what it meant to be his Eteria, he suddenly no longer seemed like a statue in a museum.
He seemed far too real. Tangible.
And I was terrified I would forget myself.
Yet my heartbeat quickened when he grabbed a pair of sweatpants and put them on before he drew closer to me. “This is not the only reason,” he said, stopping when he was before me, forcing me to tilt my head back. “So don’t worry about it.”
I jumped to my feet and closed the gap between us, folding my arms as I scowled. “If I’m injured, would you feel the injury?”
He scowled back, eyes flashing as he saw where I was going with it. “Yes,” he gritted out.
“And I would not be able to block you from feeling the pain, right?” I pushed, glowering at him now.
He almost bared his teeth. “I can take the pain,” he growled, eyes narrowed. “You’re a human. Pain like what I feel on my back will make you feel like you’re dying.”
“Fuck that,” I spat, shaking with fury, yet I didn’t know what else I could say to convince him. He seemed resolute. Set in his own decision.
And that drove me mad even more for some reason.
Perhaps it’s the brainwashing. That treacherous voice returned with a vengeance. Perhaps you’re mad with worry because, as he said, you are wired to be . . .
I wanted to refute this. To argue with it. But the doubt had been planted from the moment Lucien said that me being his Eteria meant I was bound to him forever and beyond. That without meaning to, he could easily manipulate me into feeling love and care for him.
So the fact he refused to let me feel his full pain, even at the cost of slowing his healing, made me feel ironically defeated.
My arms dropped back to my sides, and I stared at him with wonder, almost. The last few days ran through my head.
Every conversation we had. Everything he’d shown me about himself.
Even the fact he wanted to put distance between us by bringing me back to the apartment once Chase and Avenor were no longer a threat now made sense too.
If nothing else, one thing I was sure about, and it was that Lucien was a good man.
He didn’t want me to be magically forced to love him.
He preferred to let me go, never understanding the extent of our bond, unable to love anyone else, and never knowing why.
He saw it as the kinder option of the two.
Yet now he was telling me about it all . . .
“Why?” I asked in a whisper. “Why did you tell me all this now?”
His face shattered, and I saw his desperation just then.
“There is no turning back for you to any sort of normalcy,” he told me quietly.
“The Sable Syndicate have made a move, warning me by threatening you that they know you are involved. They might’ve written in that letter that you won’t be harmed, but the Syndicate is fickle and cunning. Their words cannot be trusted.”
“So you’d rather keep me close and protect me from them instead of putting a security detail on me,” I concluded, searching his gaze.
He nodded, opened his mouth, then seemed to think better of it and closed it, looking away from me. “Your brother, too, will now be under my protection,” he said almost matter-of-factly. “He’s also on the Syndicate’s radar, after all.”
I realized then he was steering the conversation away from what we’d been talking about. And while some part of me insisted I should get back to that subject—of him protecting me from pain and the whole Eteria thing, that it was important—I also felt emotionally exhausted.
“Enoch mentioned something about the Fae,” I recalled now, feeling a sudden desperation to talk about anything but me being brainwashed to love him or him refusing to share his physical pain. It was all too much for me to process right now.
Lucien seemed visibly relieved as he gave me a faint smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “The Sable Syndicate is a mob of supernatural creatures—Otherborne—known as Fae,” he said now, his voice taking on a lecturing tone almost. “They reside in the Underearth, a place accessible only by the portals.”
That was what he called the shadow marks, I remembered.
Our conversation was forced to a stop just then, when Enoch opened the door with a now-calm expression. “You’ve had an hour,” he said, pointing at Lucien. “I need to reapply the stitches, so lie down, and don’t argue with me, Lucien.”
Lucien growled at him. “You wanted to inject my Eteria with faux fluxion,” he snapped, and his hand immediately caught mine as if by instinct. “Inverna can cause Overflow in humans!”
Anais and Thayer, who entered the room behind Enoch, wore looks of fear as they avoided looking at Lucien. He did seem quite scary right now. But oddly enough, or maybe understandably now, I didn’t find him scary at all.
“That only happens with humans who have a lick of fluxion,” Enoch sniped back, pointing at me. “Drew here has not a single drop of fluxion in her. We checked!”
“Doesn’t matter,” Lucien growled, pulling me behind him protectively. “You are not injecting anything into her without her or my approval. Ever.”
Enoch groaned in frustration, throwing his arms into the air. “Fine!” he said somewhat dramatically. “Don’t come running to me when this wound never heals properly!”
Terms like fluxion and Overflow meant nothing to me, but I gathered the general issue here, and it forced us back to what we had discussed. Or rather, argued about. “Lucien,” I said quietly, tugging at his hand, which still clutched mine in an unbreakable hold.
He whipped his head toward me, arctic-blue eyes filled with anger. “I’m not going to let you feel the pain, Drew, and that’s final.”
I heard a squeak, and from the corner of my eye I saw Anais retreating with a wince on her face. Frowning, I focused back on Lucien and hesitantly raised my free hand to cup his face. “Let’s make a deal, then.”
He arched an eyebrow, and when he spoke, the sarcasm dripped bitterly from his words. “What part of that’s final do you not understand?”
“The part where I believe that as your Eteria, I should at least have a say about this, if I’m to be stripped of any autonomous thought before long,” I hissed back. “So shut the fuck up and listen to me, you stupid wolf.”
He stared at me, eyes wide with shock and disbelief.
I used his momentary silence to launch straight ahead, grabbing his chin now so he would not look away from me.
“The deal goes as follows. You let me feel your pain and finally heal properly.” He was about to open his mouth, but I covered his lips with my palm, narrowing my eyes.
“And if you’re heavily injured again in the future and you don’t want me to feel your pain, I will let you have your way. ”