Chapter 16
sixteen
RYLEE
“Thanks so much for staying, Liz,” Rylee said, walking to one of the available chairs in the basement.
“Of course,” Liz replied with a short laugh.
Rylee waddled the rest of the way to her seat, sighing the moment she was able to sit and relax.
“Later, you two,” Ivy Pressman, the final group member said, waving as she exited the basement.
“Bye, Ivy,” Rylee said from her seat, waving back. “Give Levi a huge kiss for me when you get home.”
“And will.” Ivy giggled, her voice fading as she left the basement.
It was the day of Rylee’s group meeting. This was one of the rare ones where Rylee’s therapist, Liz Peters, visited to sit in on discussions, offer advice, tips, and assignments to the group members to assist with their healing from loss.
The Hope Collective was truly one of Rylee’s pride and joys. She was doing everything she could to put things in order in time for her maternity leave.
With that thought, her hand rested on her belly. The moment her fingertips pressed into the roundest part of her stomach, the baby moved, making her scoff a laugh.
“I literally can’t even rest my hand here without him wanting to play in there,” she commented, shaking her head. “I can only imagine how he’ll be when he gets here. Probably a lot like his father.”
The sun was setting in Brooklyn. But Rylee couldn’t tell, being in the windowless basement of the bookstore where she hosted her meetings.
Liz smiled across from Rylee, crossing her legs in her seat, then leaning her face into her hand that was held up by her elbow resting on the chair’s armrest where she sat. “You glow so much when you’re pregnant.”
Rylee’s cheeks warmed. “Do I?”
“Mmm-hmm.” Liz nodded then used her pen to point at Rylee’s hand. “But that ring is giving you some competition, Rylee. I can’t even lie.”
Rylee laughed.
“Still getting used to seeing it there.” Rylee extended her hand to admire her ring.
Liz smirked. “Well, I might need to wear sunglasses the next time we meet.”
“Oh, please,” Rylee said through her laugh.
Liz’s smile grew, her eyes seeming to water as she allowed her smile to rest on her lips. “I’m so proud of you.”
Rylee inhaled a deep breath then pressed her hand to her chest.
“When we first met, never would I have imagined this.” Liz pressed her hands to her chest. “Then after you lost Lennox, I knew I had my work cut out for me because you’d become guarded, grief-stricken… understandably. But now…”
“I know,” Rylee whispered, closing her eyes. “I can’t believe it some mornings either. Like, how did I get here?”
“With work,” Liz answered. “And a commitment… to yourself. To your healing. Most importantly, patience and not giving up on yourself. That’s how.”
“Yeah.” Rylee blinked back tears.
She knew what Liz was saying was true. But Rylee also knew she wasn’t completely changed… and that she was still carrying whatever element inside herself that made her resistant to sudden changes.
“Well,” Rylee started, taking another big inhale of the air around them. She picked up traces of old books stacked on the shelves in the basement before releasing the air on an exhale. “I can admit I’ve grown but I’m still hardheaded, Liz.”
Liz arched a brow.
“Change still feels threatening sometimes… even when I know the change is good, you know?”
Liz reached for her trusty black book and Rylee grinned to herself. What she wouldn’t give to get a little peek inside that thing.
As soon as Liz flipped the book open and pressed down on her pen’s ejector, she looked up at Rylee and asked, “What’s going on?”
Rylee spent the next few minutes telling Liz all about the house in Greene Gardens Xander bought without telling her. She also shared how him buying the house, although he meant well, triggered fears inside of her she hadn’t yet addressed and didn’t really want to either.
“You know Ivy Pressman, right?” Rylee asked. “The woman who just left here?”
“Mmm-hmm,” Liz replied.
“She lives out there. In Greene Gardens,” Rylee explained. “She says it’s amazing, and perfect for her and her little family. But… it’s not the brownstone here in Brooklyn.”
Liz tilted her head to one side.
Rylee planted her Jordans on the floor and used her leverage to push herself up in her chair.
“Lennox bought that brownstone for us,” she explained.
“He wanted to raise Nova under one roof and bought it so that we could do that. Granted, we didn’t account for having another baby, but still, I made room…
moved into Lennox’s bedroom after he died and gave Nova mine, and gave Nova’s old room to LJ.
But now…” She sighed. “I know Xander is right. We’re going to need more space.
But my whole life is in that brownstone, Liz. I’ve made a home there, and…”
Liz sat silently, waiting.
Rylee shook her head, knowing what she wanted to say but not wanting to put it out there… knowing she’d need to address it. Liz wouldn’t have it any other way.
“Say it, Rylee,” Liz encouraged, seeming to read Ryle’s mind. “Say the thing you want to say.”
Rylee squeezed her eyes closed then sucked her teeth. “It’s the last piece of Lennox I have and I don’t want to let it go.”
Liz nodded slowly, lowering her attention to her black book to jot something down.
“If the brownstone is gone, that’s it,” Rylee continued. “I would have completely removed him from my life. The children could possibly forget him, since Nova’s early memories of her father are literally planted in the walls of that brownstone.”
Rylee bit at her bottom lip.
“The brownstone is more than just a brownstone to me. It’s stability. It’s family. It’s our home. And leaving it… I’m just so scared of what leaving might symbolize.”
“These are all valid feelings, Rylee.” Liz nodded. “I want to start there.”
Rylee released the air she didn’t realize she was holding onto.
“What you are feeling is real. What you are fearing is understandable,” Liz added. “Keeping yourself in this state of fear and worry is not.”
Liz uncrossed her legs and moved to the edge of her seat.
“Change is unsettling, but it is the only constant in life. You say the brownstone means all these things to you, but it isn’t the brownstone that’s holding those things. You are.”
Rylee blinked in response.
“That brownstone can go tomorrow. It can be reduced to rubble and ash, but the memories and what you’ve created there won’t. The physical stuff, yes. But the feeling? That’s all you. You can take that anywhere… even to this house in Greene Gardens.”
Rylee looked off, digesting Liz’s words. As always, her words always sounded doable until Rylee had to actually do them.
“Have you seen the house in Greene Gardens?”
Rylee nodded. “Yeah, in pictures.”
“No,” Liz said with a shake of her head. “Have you actually seen the house? Gone to Greene Gardens to step foot inside to see what Xander sees?”
“Well… no.”
Liz sat silently, waiting for Rylee to continue.
“To be real, Liz,” Rylee continued. “We haven’t spoken about the house since he brought it up. My reaction was so sudden and unyielding, which is probably why he hasn’t brought it up again… that and because I said that was our first and last conversation about it.”
Liz’s eyes were on her book again when she advised, “You should at least see the house, Rylee. In person.”
Rylee twisted her lips to one side, listening.
“Not because you’re going to say yes to moving there.
Because you have every right to say no,” Liz added, lifting her gaze to Rylee.
“But you should see it after the baby is born. You’ll have a new beginning you can’t deny in your arms when you go to see the house.
And going will be a courageous step forward. ”
Rylee’s eyes darted between Liz’s.
“Because as much as you may not want it, change is going to happen.” She smiled.
“And it’s better to be an ally to change instead of being an enemy of it.
That’s where the struggle happens. Opposition where one need not exist. And with something so beautiful and a gesture from Xander so pure and forward-thinking, the least you can do is go and see what he sees. ”
Rylee nodded thoughtfully, her hand back to rubbing her stomach, her son back to rolling around in response to her touch.
“You’re right. And I hate it when you’re right sometimes.”
Liz giggled.
Rylee lowered her attention to her left hand on her stomach.
Her diamond winked at the lights above, making her smile.
But it wasn’t the ring that drew the smile.
It was Xander’s words before he put the ring there.
They were stuck in her memory. Not in an annoying way, but stuck like a gentle reminder she wanted to remain pinned in place.
His asking her to let him show her he could love her the way she needed to be loved. That mattered.
The least she could do was allow that. And one way would be to see the house. At least.
“Okay,” Rylee voiced, refocused her eyes on Liz again. “I’ll go. After the baby is born. One step at a time, right?”
“Exactly.” Liz grinned. “And Rylee, remember, you’re healing… and you will continue to do so. Everything you do should be to facilitate that, even when it’s scary.”
Rylee nodded.
“Healing doesn’t mean forgetting,” Liz reminded, leaning forward to press a hand to Rylee’s knee. “It means making space for more life.”
“Right,” Rylee said low. “You’re so right.”
“Aight.” Xander held the door open for Rylee to walk through. “I think we’ve bought enough of the store for the day.”
Rylee chuckled as she waddled past him, one hand holding a bag, the other pressing to her back.
A Braxton Hicks contraction held her stomach in a firm grip, releasing its hold as quickly as it arrived.
Her due date was officially in one week, and she was starting to feel the weight of it all. Rylee’s mother was convinced the baby would be here before the due date, because according to her, Rylee’s stomach had dropped.
But Rylee insisted her mother was wrong yet again.