Chapter 29
Berlin
Brady
A wave of amber liquid sloshes over the rims of the three glass tankards I’m holding when I see what I know I can’t be seeing. It must be some hops-induced vision or the vibrations from the punk oom-pah band playing in the corner. It can’t be what it looks like.
The queer beer garden sprawls before me with couples in various form of closeness from animated conversation to full on making out.
Stars punctuate the inky sky and a cool breeze winds its way through the weathered wooden tables, making the leaves of the chestnut trees above sway.
A hand-made sign announces, “Frau Now Brown Cow Stunning and the Dirndlette’s Midnight Drag Spectacular.
” The mixture of traditional and queer makes me feel a deep sense of belonging, but it’s not nearly enough to prepare me for what I see.
I close my eyes hard and then reopen them, but the vision remains.
I’d left Hayes and Otto alone for five minutes to get some mustard for the pretzel we were sharing.
I hoped I wouldn’t come back to find them at each other’s throats.
They had been fighting over me since we landed and with our departure tomorrow, I thought one of them might challenge the other to a duel.
I should be a better person and not enjoy it, but what kind of brat would I be if I didn’t get a small kick out of it?
But as I get closer, I realize they aren’t arguing.
They aren’t even talking. They’re laughing.
Otto throws back his head with a high-pitched laugh and Hayes’ mouth moves with some kind of exaggerated expression when I arrive at the table.
“What’s so funny?” I ask, holding a small plate with yellow glop and wanting to know if it was Otto who made Hayes laugh or the other way around.
“Hayes was just telling me the funniest story about when he was working at the garage.” I notice Otto suddenly has no problem pronouncing Hayes’ name correctly. I also notice that his hand lingers a bit longer than it should on Hayes’ hairy forearm.
I set down the three mugs of beer and the mustard.
Hayes grabs his mug and downs half of it before continuing with his story.
“And so, I’m covered in grease. I mean from head to toe.
My coveralls are black.” Hayes has had two, maybe three beers but he’s not drunk.
He’s just loose enough, I guess, to be telling this story to Otto in a way I haven’t seen before.
“And then Carl comes in.” Hayes leaps up from his chair and wrinkles his face and sticks out his gut, doing an impersonation of the guy who runs the garage where he works.
It’s funny but not mean-spirited, which is like Hayes, but the fact that he is doing an impersonation at all is totally unlike Hayes.
What has gotten into him tonight? I look over at Otto, who is hanging on every word.
“Carl says, ‘Hayes, I don’t know what kind of doctor you think you’re going to be. You rebuilt the transmission for the wrong dang car.’”
Otto lets out a belly laugh. I laugh to be polite and also to make it look like I’m in on the joke. This is certainly not the duel over me I was expecting, and I can’t figure out if I’m relieved or disappointed.
Otto is laughing so hard he’s wiping tears from his cheeks.
I look at Hayes. Is there something in his eyes that makes me think he likes the attention from Otto?
Then Hayes puts his hand on Otto and I watch the two of them look at each other in a way that I don’t like.
I’m jealous. That emotion is very clear in this moment.
But I can’t tell if I’m jealous of the fact that Hayes is enjoying all of this attention from Otto or of the fact that Otto is getting Hayes to let down his guard and open up more.
I always say that’s what I want Hayes to do.
I want him to stop following the rules. I want him to be more open. Here he is doing it. I should be happy.
Hayes and Otto move on to a conversation about the German economy and something about foreign bonds which is way over my head.
They both minored in Econ. I wait for a moment to jump in but their connection is so tight there isn’t much room.
Then it’s Otto’s turn to make Hayes laugh and when he does, I can really feel my stomach roil.
That’s my job. I put my hands to my face to see if my cheeks are as hot as I think they are.
Otto is pulling Hayes out of his shell. I remind myself again: this is what you wanted. But if this is what I wanted why am I looking around the beer garden for a reason to leave?
Maybe what I really mean is that I wanted to be the one to help Hayes let down his guard.
Maybe my desire was purely to put myself at the center of his world again.
It had nothing to do with Hayes at all. That’s incredibly selfish, and I don’t like it.
I cross my arms over my chest with a pout.
I’m not usually scared of emotion but I don’t like the one I’m feeling right now.
I hold my arm out so they can both see me looking at my watch, hoping it will break whatever connection they have.
“It’s getting pretty late and we have an early flight tomorrow. We better head back to the hotel,” I say.
“It’s not that late,” Otto says. “Besides, Hayes said he would tell me the story about the time he forgot to wear pants to a final exam. I definitely want to hear about that. Why didn’t you tell me your Hayes is so funny?”
Hayes looks at me and frowns. Does he want to stay here with Otto?
“He’s not my…” I’m about to correct Otto but let him think what he wants.
Otto leans back in his chair and looks at Hayes and then at me.
“It’s always most fascinating how people communicate without words.
Your bodies tell the real story of each of you.
” Then Otto makes his move. He puts one hand on my chest and I can feel my heart race at the memory of our physical connection.
But then he takes his other hand and puts it on the side of Hayes’ neck where his hair grazes his ear.
One of my favorite parts. I expect Hayes to recoil but he doesn’t.
Instead, he actually moves his head closer to Otto’s hand.
I scan his face, looking for any indication of what he’s feeling.
There’s confusion in his eyes, but also curiosity.
Otto is flirting with both of us, but Hayes is looking at me.
Maybe he thinks I want this. Maybe I do. Didn’t I just the other day?
“Our hotel is not that far,” Hayes says. Is he inviting Otto back or trying to get out of the situation? Either way Otto thinks he’s getting what he wants and I feel his hand move gently over my chest.
What would be so wrong with a three-way?
I’ve had sex with both of them and enjoyed it.
Maybe doing it would be incredibly hot. The fact that Hayes isn’t rejecting Otto now makes me curious.
I take a second to imagine if it would turn me on to see Hayes letting go like that.
Yes, I’d like to see Hayes is a wild state of uninhibited sexual freedom.
But then I can see Otto’s mouth on Hayes’ body.
The two of them entwined. I can feel the jealousy rising in my throat with bitter bile.
“Or my studio is not far from here,” Otto says. “It’s very private. I think the two of you should come back with me for one last schnapps.”
Hayes grins that slow easy smile that usually makes my pulse quicken, but right now it makes my stomach drop. Before he can answer the words tumble out of me. “Early flight tomorrow,” I say with forced brightness and stand up. “Super early.”
I finish my beer in two long sips a before slamming the glass mug on the table a bit too hard.
I pull out my phone and start swiping and punching in information to get a car here as quickly as possible.
We could walk, it’s not far, but that would be thirty minutes alone with Hayes where we might have to talk and I want to avoid that.
At least having a driver will make it harder to have any kind of intimate conversation.
“Otto, it was great to see you. Thank you for everything. You were a fantastic guide. But I’m afraid we are off to Italy tomorrow so this will have to be auf wiedersehen.”
I look at Hayes to see his reaction to my pulling the plug and realize he hasn’t taken his eyes off me.
“Thanks, Otto, but I want to get packed before we take off,” Hayes says, standing up, creating a unified front.
We both kiss Otto on the cheek and I watch like a prison guard to see any reaction from Hayes when his lips meet Otto’s face.
There’s a playfulness, but not much more.
I walk through the crowd of tables, past Frau Now Brown Cow and her crew preparing to start their show, past the gate to the lake which looked so magical a short while ago and now just looks mysterious.
I see the car waiting and I open the door.
We head back and we both stare out the window watching Berlin blur past us in a streak of lights.
I focus on my fingernails and chewing off the rough edges to distract me from my feelings.
We aren’t fighting. There isn’t an explosion or anything wrong right now.
Some kind of shift has happened and I don’t know what it is.
We get up to our room with minimal conversation. We confirm our flights, finish packing and get ready for another hotel, another city where we have to look like the perfect couple on socials but can’t communicate behind the camera.
“Good night,” Hayes says from the couch on the other side of the suite after I turn out the light.
“Good night,” I say and pull up my sheet and try to connect to the feeling of the cool cotton on my skin and not the fact that I am alone in a bed more than big enough for both of us.
Hayes was the one leaning into Otto, laughing at his stories, opening up and sharing his thoughts, becoming the guy I’ve been begging him to be.
I was the one who was silent and withholding.
Yes, I wanted Hayes to reveal this side of himself that I knew was always there.
I’d seen it before in glimpses and sparks this summer.
When Hayes comes out of his shell, I can usually feel it throughout my body.
But not in Berlin. This was different. What pieces don’t fit?
I’m staring at the blue shadows on the ceiling created from the gaps in the curtains and it hits me. It’s not just that I want Hayes to open up more and let his guard down. It’s not just that I want to be the person who helps him do it; I want to be the person he does it for.