Chapter 46
Capri
Brady
My eyes flutter open and then I stretch my hand out across the bed, hoping to find the warmth of Hayes’ hairy thigh.
Outside the room I hear the door to the stairwell shut.
Next to the nightstand, I see Hayes’ earphones.
I want to close my eyes and go back to sleep but I know how he enjoys his head banging Southern rockers so I throw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and head downstairs after him.
I walk past the coffee station and see Hayes stretching in the lobby, so I have time to get an espresso before he heads out. I see Aisha approach him and before I can walk over, I overhear Hayes say, “…only reason you hired Brady for this job. His parents arranged the whole thing.”
My heart stops. A chill runs down my spine. I can’t have heard what I thought I heard. I move closer to them but making sure I can’t be seen. I keep listening until I hear Hayes say that he has known the truth all summer.
For Us only hired me because of my family’s connections. And Hayes knew the whole summer.
I hear something about me being a mindless party boy who needed a pacifier for the summer, and I suddenly feel lightheaded.
I go to put the espresso cup on the counter but my hands are shaking so much I miss the edge and the espresso crashes to the floor.
Usually I would drop to the ground to clean it up, but I can’t think of anything else except getting back up to the room and hiding.
“Are you okay?” I look up and it’s Phil and Will from the pool. “We can clean that up,” Phil says. “Will, go get a towel from someone.”
The blond man follows Phil’s orders. “Thank you. Thank you,” I say.
Then I turn and run toward the elevator.
I can’t face them. They’ve seen all of those social media posts.
All those lies. Do they know? Do they know I’m just some spoiled rich kid whose mommy and daddy still have to send him away to summer camp as an adult?
I hide my face in the hand to cover my humiliation and pound the elevator button.
I get up to the room, slam the door behind me and fall on the bed.
I don’t even try to stop the tears. I couldn’t anyway.
Why should I? I’m only the immature brat everyone thinks I am.
But I’m not crying because of that, or even because my parents did what they always do. I’m crying because Hayes knew.
Hayes said he “knew all summer.” All summer, while I finally felt capable, while I discovered who I could be, he knew none of it was real.
This job, my new direction, this version of myself that I had started to uncover and started to actually like.
All of it due to my parents’ money and Hayes’ silence.
It was one thing to keep it from me, but another to let me find myself this summer and know that it’s all been a joke.
How am I supposed to go to Boston with him when I know he doesn’t even believe in me?
I crawl off the bed toward the closet. Hayes will be back from his run soon and I cannot face him.
Maybe I should have joined Maude on the yacht last night, danced on the deck and poured expensive champagne down my throat.
That’s where I belong. No expectations. No problems. I thought Hayes was the one person who saw me as more than a trust fund kid.
I open the closet and push our clothes to the side to see two garment bags with the tuxedos for the wedding.
Suddenly I know what to do next, and the clarity allows me to stop my tears.
I take my garment bag out and sit on the edge of the bed with it on my lap.
I wipe my eyes and run my hand over the smooth fabric of the case containing my tuxedo for the wedding.
That’s where I belong, not at a grad school for education that I have no chance of getting into, not with the brilliant doctor who obviously thinks I’m not smart enough to keep up.
What was he planning to do? Take my teaching certification exam for me so I can be the version of me that he thinks he loves?
The door opens and Hayes bounces in from his run panting but full of energy. “Hey, I’m glad you’re up, babe. I want to talk to you about…” He kisses me on the cheek and then goes to the wet bar where he pours a glass of water and downs it with two gulps without really looking at me.
He walks back over to me and sits on the bed. “There is something I want to… no, something I need to and should have…” He finally sees the garment bag on my lap. “What’s that?”
“The tuxedo my mom brought over the other day.” I turn my face away from him so he can’t see that I’ve been crying.
“Is someone coming to pick it up?”
“No,” I say. I’m not going to make this easy for him or myself.
“Okay.” His voice rises, showing confusion and concern.
He puts his hand on my thigh and I feel the electric pulse I always do when he makes contact, but this time it’s wild and uncontrolled, like a downed wire hitting a puddle of water.
I pull away from him and stand up with the bag draped over my arm. “So why do you have it?”
“So I can get the alterations done. I don’t want it to look sloppy.
” I turn toward him for the first time and when he sees my face, his drops.
He knows I’ve been crying. But now, ice water runs in my veins.
I need every ounce of strength to walk out that door.
“For the wedding. I’m going to the wedding. ”
He jumps off the bed and stands in front of me. “Oh, God!” He puts his hand softly on my shoulder and I can feel it shaking. I back away from him. “You overheard me with Aisha.”
My expression does not change. I pick up the white case next to me and hand it to him, still holding my tux. “You forgot your earphones.”
“Oh, God. Fuck. Seriously fuck. I swear on my mother’s grave I was coming up here to tell you. I should not have kept it from you. I know…”
“You’re right. You shouldn’t have.” Some of the anger breaks through the wall of sadness surrounding me. I’m barely present in this moment. It’s like this is happening to someone else.
“I’m sorry,” Hayes says. “I’m so sorry, Brady. I fucked up. I should have told you. I want to be honest with you. I swear.” He’s reading my face, looking for his words to have an impact, but they don’t.
“Hayes, I want to be honest with you too. Since we’ve been in Capri…
since…” I try to find the exact moment where I started having doubts about myself.
Was it when my mother arrived? Was it when the plane took off from Poznań and we left the most magical city of the trip?
When did I start realizing how hard it would be to maintain the version of myself that Hayes has found a way back to loving?
A version of myself that was built on a lie.
Hayes can sense the doubt rising inside me.
“It’s all been fast. I know. We can slow down,” Hayes says. “You can join me for spring semester, or next summer if that’s better.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s next summer or the summer after that.” Maybe I’m using what I overheard as an excuse. This is my opportunity to find a way out of all this responsibility. Who ever heard of a trust fund kid becoming a kindergarten teacher? It’s pretty stupid.
“Brady, you want this. I know you want this. I know what happens in your voice, in your eyes when you sing that Motown song on phone with Gemma or talk about having your own kindergarten class. Your entire face lights up.” He’s searching my eyes.
Trying to find a way in, but I won’t let him.
Maybe my resolve is collapsing, and no matter how much I want this, I’m not ready for it.
I’m as much of a fuck-up as my parents, and Hayes, think I am.
Gemma and my sister fly in tonight. I’ll be able to be at the Silversteins’ when they arrive. I don’t know how I can walk away from Hayes. I’ve wanted him for so long. But at least tonight there will be a soft landing with my sister and niece there.
“I do,” I say. “I want it very badly, but it was your belief in me that made me think I could do it. I felt like we were a team again this summer.”
“We were,” Hayes says.
“But this summer was based on a lie,” I say.
He squirms and rubs his face and looks around the room. “Because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Yes, I get that. But it’s more. Last night, when we saw Maude and she mentioned the wedding.”
“This damn wedding. Again?” He stands up and marches over to the window, trying to control his emotions. “Brady, if you want to go, then go. I’ll even go with you.” He starts searching through the closet, randomly pushing the hangers. “I’ll wear the tuxedo. I’ll dance with your mother. I’ll…”
“It’s not just me going and you staying. Or you going because of an ultimatum.”
“I can’t believe we are back here again,” Hayes says. “You are choosing them again, aren’t you?”
“I am not,” I stand up in protest. “This is about us. It’s about you loving all of me, even the parts that come from privilege.
I need you to see that. If you love me, you have to love all of me, including the parts that make you uncomfortable.
I love that you see me as more than a rich kid, but I’ll never be able to erase that piece of myself.
That’s part of the reality of who I am. Hayes, let’s face it, we do not do well with reality. ”
“What are you talking about?” Hayes turns to face me.
“Clarkson was protected by literal ivy-covered walls. It was a playground, and that’s the way college should be.
But as soon as we left it, boom, everything came crashing down around us.
This summer was a fantasy of poolside cabanas and pretty hotels, but as soon as we hit reality, the seams of our relationship come apart,” I say.
“Brady, this is reality. You and me. I love you. You have to know that.”
“I do. I love you. But you also pity me, and that hurts too much. You’ve told me how you hate to be anyone’s charity case, and I understand what you mean.
I’ve wanted so much to be someone you respect.
Someone who earned things based on their merit like you.
But you’ve been watching me all summer knowing that none of this was earned. You aren’t the charity case, I am.”
“That’s not true,” Hayes says, punching each word.
“You said you didn’t tell me the truth because you didn’t want to hurt me,” I say, turning the tables on him.
“Of course I don’t.” Hayes shakes his head.
“But don’t you see, that isn’t loving me, that’s managing me like my family does. You’re deciding what I get to know and when because you think I can’t handle it.”
“Brady, please,” Hayes says, and now I think there might be tears in his eyes. “You can handle it. All summer I saw you becoming more confident and independent.”
“But the foundation of that was a lie.”
“No, it wasn’t. That foundation was you.
It was us,” he says, but we both know it’s not as easy as that.
There is enough doubt at least to pull the brake.
Re-think where this is going, or even if this is going.
Somewhere deep down I know it has nothing to do with overhearing his conversation with Aisha.
That was just the gunpowder to ignite all these feelings I’ve been having that I’m not enough for all this change. I’m not enough for him.
We both sit back down on the edge of the bed. For a moment I think I feel his hand reach across the bed toward me but then he pulls it back. There isn’t anything left to say about us, so I let him know what I’ve decided.
“I’m extending my flight for the wedding.”
“Brady, wait. Can’t we… Please.”
“Yours leaves tomorrow night.” I don’t let him try to convince me to change my mind.
It might work and it might spiral into a fight worse than the one in Chicago.
Sometimes trying to fix things makes them worse.
“I sent you all the information. Go home and get ready for medical school,” I say as I get up and walk toward the door.
“I know you’re going to be a great doctor. ”
I walk out of the room, making sure a single tear doesn’t drop. But once I’m in the elevator and I hear him running down the hall after me, it’s impossible to stop them.