Chapter 2
Ryan and I went to a mutual friend's wedding last weekend. I was so excited for a fun night out with him and our friends that I took a shower and indulged in every beauty-care ritual imaginable. I got waxed, bought a new perfume, and picked out a dress and a pair of heels. Maybe I was building the evening up to be the event of the century in my mind, but I was so pumped up to escape the mundane, everyday life I’d been stuck in.
The weather had finally cooled off, and it was a beautiful day. Ryan planned to pick me up and drive us to the wedding. When he arrived at my door, I felt a bit let down. He was wearing a pair of jeans, loafers, and a button-down shirt.
“Oh, is that what you’re wearing?” I said, giving him an up-and-down look.
“Yeah, is this ok? I think the men in the wedding party are all wearing jeans, so I figured it would be all right if I did, too.”
“Oh. I was just thinking we would be able to take some nice pictures with us both dressed up.”
“Well, you look great, babe! We can get some pictures later on. We have to get going so we can get good seats,” he says with a wink.
At the wedding reception, Ryan went off to hang out with some of his college friends, and I spent time with my freshman-year friend, Tiff, who had come alone.
Tiff, always on the prowl, started scoping out options for who would be her gentleman for the evening.
“Do you know if any of the groomsmen are single? I’m feeling the need for a wild night!”
“Hmmm, I think they are all coupled up. I haven’t really been out much, so I’m not sure what’s been happening in the friend group.”
“How are things going with you and Ryan? You guys have been together for like three years, right?”
“Things are going well. Same as usual.”
Tiff smirked. “Sounds exhilarating.”
“I’m not sure that’s the adjective I would use to describe our relationship. Monotonous, predictable, scheduled. But things are fine, we get along, and he has always treated me well.”
Tiff looked at me with some skepticism. “And that’s what you're going for? Boring, but stable?”
“It seems preferable to dramatic and unsteady. Really, it’s fine. We’re doing okay.”
Ryan came back to grab me for a dance. We actually spent most of our night on the dance floor together and with our friends.
We were all letting loose and having fun for the rest of the night.
Ryan and I ended up getting a ride home as we had both overindulged at the open bar.
We decided to go to his place since he doesn’t have a roommate.
It is the ultimate bachelor pad, but he does have a nice bed and occasionally washes his sheets.
As soon as we got into the elevator, a tipsy Ryan was pawing at my lady parts.
I groaned internally. I realized this probably wasn’t the reaction a girlfriend should have when their boyfriend touched them.
I just wasn’t in the mood to muster up the enthusiasm for another unsuccessful lovemaking session.
We entered his bedroom, and he flopped me onto the bed.
He bent over to take off his shoes and let the biggest fart rip right near my body.
He giggled and fell over. Seriously, dude?
At that point, I was completely uninterested in being intimate with him, but I also knew it wasn’t worth the struggle.
“I’m just going to go to the bathroom real quick,” I said while he sat on the floor, trying to free himself from his tangled shoes and pants.
I walked into the bathroom to pee and wash my face. As I washed, I looked in the mirror and started thinking. What does it mean that I'm actively avoiding having sex with this man? Ryan is fun, and our relationship is unproblematic for the most part, but I just can’t!
I leave the bathroom, and Ryan is lying in bed naked in his most seductive drunk man pose.
“Come over here, babe, I got something for you,” he slurs, while shaking his pelvis at me.
Ugh. I can’t. “Hey, I’m not feeling the best. I think I'm going to head home.”
“What? Do you want me to come with you?” he asks me as he tucks himself under the bedding.
“No, I’m fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Ok, bye, babe," he says with closed eyes, half asleep.
My place is less than a mile away, so I decided to walk home.
It’s nearly 3 a.m., but I live in the middle of nowhere, so safety isn’t really a concern.
I think I'm over this relationship. I know things go in waves, but I'm just not into this.
As I walk, I'm becoming more and more sure that there has to be something or someone else out there.
The next morning, I'm reading with a cup of coffee when there is a knock on the door. It’s Ryan with our famous fast-food hangover cure. I’m surprised to see him. He isn’t the type of person who does surprises.
“Hey, babe. I wanted to check on you to see if you were doing okay. I know I wasn’t at my best last night, but you seemed a little off,” Ryan says, handing me a breakfast sandwich.
I was surprised that he picked up on my distance last night.
I replied to him, saying, “I just wasn’t feeling it. I had high expectations for a fun night with you, and then I just fizzled out.”
I took a deep breath and looked at him. He’s so cute. He’s fun, nice, and thoughtful. He’s just not it for me.
“I need to talk to you about our relationship, Ryan. I don’t think it's working for me anymore,” I say.
“Yeah, I knew this was coming, and I think that's why I haven’t been prioritizing time to be together. I could tell you were a bit standoffish and not feeling it. Was it something I did?” he asks.
“No, nothing you did. I think we served a purpose for each other throughout college, and now, we are both in different places. I guess I need to see what else is out there and push myself to experience life a little more. I’m really sorry.
” I can feel tears building in my eyes. I’m sad this is over, but I’m not devastated, and that tells me everything I need to know.
“Don’t cry. I’m sad this is it, too, but I think it’s for the best, for both of us,” he said as he rubbed his hands down my shoulders. “Who knows, maybe we’ll end up circling back around to each other some day, but for now, it’s not right for us.”
I pulled him in for a hug and said, “I still love you,” as I choked back more tears.
“I love you, too, babe. I’m always here for you if you need me,” he said, giving me a big squeeze.
And then he leaves, and I break down crying.