Chapter 8
When Luke came back from his interview, I already knew if he were offered the job, he would take it. No question. By the time the offer came in, I had resigned myself to the fact that he was leaving and expecting me to go with him.
His new job wasn’t supposed to start until July, so we had plenty of time to talk about the logistics and the future.
Unfortunately, I started to see a theme.
The theme was “I don’t know; we’ll figure it out.
” I don’t know if it was wrong of me to want a commitment like an engagement to move so far away for a guy, but that’s what I wanted.
Every time I brought it up, he seemed noncommittal and just shrugged off my concerns.
I think he was so excited about the future that he was forgetting everything he had in the present. He was forgetting about me.
I wasn’t opposed to going with him. Not completely. However, I had just gotten into the flow of my new job, and I was loving it. The sky was the limit for what I could accomplish there. My boss was super chill, supportive, and managed by the motto “work as hard as you want to.”
I loved our friend group, our apartment, and being so close to Luke’s family.
I had really become a part of their family, and I loved his parents so much.
They gave me the feeling of the big, warm family I had always desired.
My parents are good parents. They gave Cora and me everything we needed and provided all of the components of a safe and stable home.
Still, there wasn’t the warmth, laughter, and silliness that Luke’s family shared.
There was one other thing that kept weighing on my mind.
Luke never asked me to go with him. He never really asked me what I thought of him taking the job.
I didn’t resent him for those things, but it did make me feel like he wasn’t considering my wants, needs, and dreams. I love him.
He is smart, funny, caring, sexy, and kind—everything I could want in a man that I would spend the rest of my life with.
I truly, truly love him, and there is no doubt in my mind that if things continued as they had for the last couple of years, this would be it for me.
But he hasn’t asked me to spend the rest of my life with him.
He hadn’t asked me to marry him. He hadn’t even asked me to move with him.
Everything has been an assumption. If I were in his position, would I assume he would come with me?
Yeah, I think so. We were running out of time.
I hadn’t taken any steps toward moving, leaving my job, or telling my family.
It was always in the back of my mind: what happens if I stay?
I would never ask him to give up his dream for me, so why would I ask him to do the same?
Which leads me to think: shouldn’t I be part of his dream?
Shouldn’t he love me enough to never make a decision like this without making sure I was fully on board?
And if I were that in love with him, why did staying still feel like an option?
Luke came home from his last day of work giddy and bouncing off the walls.
He had a decent amount of money saved up, so he decided to give himself a few weeks before the new job to pack and relax.
The plan was to get to California at least a week before his new job started, so we could get settled in.
I was in the kitchen making us a quick supper, as we had been busy packing up the apartment.
I had gone for a run before supper to try to burn off some nervous energy, but my body and soul were dragging.
I felt so weighed down. We had been talking about the move and making plans, although it was all very half-hearted from my end.
I still hadn’t given notice at my job, and we were just a couple of weeks away from leaving.
Luke had already put down a deposit on an apartment for us.
We had a move-in date. If I wanted to leave my job on good terms and have a solid reference for the future, I needed to give them at least two weeks’ notice.
“You’re in a good mood,” I remarked as Luke danced around the kitchen. “Excited today was your last day?”
“I saw Laura in the elevator with the new baby on the way up. They had a girl. I checked her out, and she looked like a baby. She told me to apologize to you for not engaging in a friendship. She said something about not having time to shower and her nipples being chapped, and then she was on her floor, so she gave me a wave and left. She seemed exhausted.” He shrugged.
“The office threw a little party for me and got me some gag gifts to help us transition to our new geographical location.”
“Oh? Like what?”
He grabbed a box by the front door with some of his office items. “Let’s see.
We have some life preservers, jellyfish sting spray, SPF, helmets for earthquake protection, and a tent in case we can’t afford housing.
They were a riot. It was a good last day, and I'll miss them, but who cares! We’re going to Cali, baby! ”
He pulled me into an embrace and spun me around the kitchen. My stomach sank, and I knew I couldn't avoid talking to him about my ambivalence regarding this move forever. He was just so excited; I didn’t want to hurt him or take any of the sparkle out of his eye.
As we were hugging and swaying to the quiet of the kitchen, he asked, “I haven’t even asked what your co-workers said when you told them you were leaving. Are they excited for you?”
And then my heart sank. I had to say something. It couldn’t wait for another day.
“Can we go sit down? I need to talk to you about all of this.”
He craned his neck and looked at me with a question in his eye. He smiled. “Of course, you can talk to me about anything, any time. You know that.”
We walked into the living room and sat down right next to each other, like always. I grabbed his hand and sat there, facing forward, not able to make eye contact. This was going to hurt both of us so much.
“What is it, Cass? You’re freaking me out.”
I was freaking out. I had been freaking out for months. I had to just put it out there and see what happened.
“I haven’t put in my notice at my job,” I whispered, staring at my lap.
“What? Why not?”
I took a deep breath and felt tears welling up in my eyes.
My head dropped back on the couch, and I closed my eyes.
I couldn’t watch. I was so afraid of the outcome of this conversation that I was struggling to get the words out.
I didn’t want to lose him, but I didn’t want to go.
Not without a commitment, not without knowing we were forever.
“I don’t know if I can go,” I finally said.
“What do you mean? We have been talking about this for months.”
“No, Luke, we haven’t. You have been talking about this for months.
You applied for a job across the country, went to an interview, and accepted the position without ever asking me how I felt about it.
Do you know you have never even asked me to go with you?
I like what we have here. I like being close to your family, my sister, and the friends we have made.
I like my job. None of these things added together would ever make me choose staying here over being with you, but you’ve never asked me to go with you. ”
Luke was looking at me in total shock. He had no idea how I was feeling, as he was so wrapped up in his own excitement. He grabbed me by the shoulder, and I turned my head and opened my eyes to look at him.
“I didn’t think I needed to ask. You’re it for me, Cassie. I have never once pictured a world in which we don’t do this together.”
“I know, which is why it has been so hard for me to tell you how I was feeling. I feel like every time I bring up something regarding marriage, our future, or any type of long-term commitment, your response is always ‘maybe later.’ I keep thinking, how can I move across the country with someone who sees our future as a maybe?”
“But that’s not true. We are not a maybe. I just haven’t been in a hurry to move toward those steps. We have our whole lives.”
“Maybe I am. Maybe I want those things. Luke, I want a marriage and a family. I'm almost thirty, and in the Midwest timeline, I'm pretty old not to have started having kids. I want that so bad. We have been having unprotected sex for over four years, and I haven’t gotten pregnant. Do you ever think about what that means? That is something that weighs on my mind every day. Literally, every day, I think about what that means. There is nothing I want more than to start a family with you, but it seems that won’t happen the conventional way. Any steps we would take toward having kids together, I would want to have come after being married or at least engaged. Does this not weigh on you?”
“Of course it does. I know you want to be a mom. I just didn’t know you were in such a hurry.”
“I’m worried. I’m worried that if we don’t start taking steps in that direction, it won’t happen for me.
You’ve known all along that this is what I wanted.
I know it hasn’t been the same kind of passion for you, but I always figured once the time came, you’d be happy and enthusiastic like you always are. ”
Luke pulled his glasses off and set them on the table. He rubbed his face and sighed. Into his hands, he said, “I can’t go without you. I won’t go without you, but I really want to go. What can I do to make this better?”
“Do you want to marry me?”
“Yes. I really do. I just want to get this move taken care of first. I want to get settled into our new life and my new job. I want us to explore, have fun, make new friends, and create a bunch of new memories. Why do we have to be engaged to do that?”
“We don’t have to be. I just can’t go without some kind of commitment. You're so important to me, but so is my future and my dreams for my life.”