Chapter 8 #3
I’m sorry I screwed everything up. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you deserve.
I’ll come back and get the rest of my things while you're at work and stay with my parents until I leave.
If I stay here, I'll try to change your mind, and I don’t want you to compromise your dreams for mine. I love you, always. - L
Instead of putting in a two-week notice as I had planned, I went to work.
I walked through the days in a fog, barely holding myself together.
I didn’t eat or drink all day because my stomach couldn’t tolerate the idea of anything in it.
I was so heartbroken that I felt physically sick.
I called Cora on my way home from work and couldn’t get a single word out, just crying in her ear.
Apparently, that was enough information for her to come to my place immediately.
I was lying on the couch when Cora busted through the door. I had used what little energy I had to change into sweats after work, and I was burrowed on the couch in a nest of blankets, tissues scattered around from nose-blowing and tear-drying.
“Oh my god, Cassie. What is wrong? Where is Luke?” she cried, coming over and pulling me into her arms.
“He’s gone.”
“OH. MY. GOD. DID HE DIE?”
I let out a little chuckle in between my sobs. Leave it to Cora to make me laugh at a time like this.
“No, he didn’t die. He left for California. I couldn’t go with him.”
“Why not? That’s all you guys have been working toward these last couple of months.”
I recounted our conversation from the prior night and then how he admitted he doesn’t want to have kids now or maybe ever.
“Oh, Cass. Why didn’t you tell me what was going on in your pretty little head? We could have figured something out or found a way to tell him sooner. Are you sure this is what you want? We could probably still stop him. You still love him, right?”
I stopped my sniffling temporarily and gave her a side-eyed glance. “I thought you didn’t believe in love and would be happy I wasn’t going.”
“Okay, selfishly, I’m glad to keep you here with me.
And I can’t imagine being all lovey-eyed and swoony with a boy.
Gross. But you and Luke are in love. Like, truly, madly, deeply in love, as they say.
I don’t want you to compromise on what you want, but you aren’t going to get any closer to motherhood being single than you were with a man you loved. Are you sure this is what you want?”
“I’m not sure of anything,” I said, shrugging. “I’m hoping some space and time will give me some clarity. I just know that we aren’t on the same page about what the next few years look like, and I don’t ever want to resent him for that.”
Cora snuggled me close to her. “You’re a very wise older sister. You will figure out the right thing to do. And in the meantime, I’m glad to keep you close. You want to start a ‘She-Woman Man-Haters Club’ with me?”
I giggled through my tears. No one at that moment could have provided better comfort than my sister. Not even Luke. “Hmm, I’m not sure that’s the right club for me. But I'm willing to do a ‘Single Sisters Sangria Society.’ You in?”
“Hell yeah, Sissy.”
I managed a fitful sleep that night, alone in our apartment. Everything hurt. Walking through the front door, sitting on his couch, unpacking everything I packed, and sleeping in his bed. The next morning, I saw I had a text notification from him. We hadn’t spoken once since the day he left.
Luke: Hey, Cass. I just wanted to let you know that I made it to California.
Not saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I knew that if I did, I wouldn’t go. After thinking about the conversation we had in bed that night, I know that we did the right thing.
I didn’t even know that you were feeling this way.
I didn’t know how eager you were to start having kids.
I wasn’t paying attention to what you wanted because I was so focused on what I wanted.
Anyway, you don’t have to respond. I just wanted to let you know that I made it, and I’m okay.
I hope you're okay, too. I’m going to have to take a break from you so I can try to be happy here, but I couldn’t start without saying goodbye.
I love you, and I’m sorry I wasn’t what you needed.
Me: I love you. I’m sorry, too.
I didn’t hear from Luke again after that text conversation.
He was right. Neither of us would be able to move on if we continued to talk.
One of us would end up compromising what we wanted to be together, even though it no longer felt right.
I kept playing in my head what my sister had said about ending things with Luke and putting myself further away from settling down and starting a family.
She was right. Luke probably would have gotten there eventually.
Still, it was the culmination of everything that made me feel like it was still the right choice.
We weren’t in sync. I missed him, though.
I really missed his family, and losing them was almost as bad as losing him.
My new life plan was to work my ass off, make a shitload of money, and spend time with my sister. We were both young, medium hot, and unattached. It was time to live our best lives.