Chapter 28
After a giant production of rolling myself out of bed, I make my way toward the living room. I find Ben walking toward me. He is carrying the baby monitor in his hand, and he has tears streaming down his face.
“Oh my God, Ben. What’s wrong? Are you okay? Is something wrong with the girls?” I ask him frantically.
He pulls me toward him and continues to cry, sobs wracking his body.
I’ve seen Ben cry a lot, but it’s usually silent tears.
It’s usually happy tears. This is not that; he is clearly very distraught.
I have no idea what is going on, but it has to be something regarding our grocery store run-in.
I hold him tight and wait for him to settle so he can tell me why he is so upset.
After he catches his breath, he whispers, “Laura loved you,” in my ear.
I pull back from him, shocked and concerned, not following what he is telling me.
Ben takes a deep breath and starts to explain.
“After that night we came to your apartment, she kept saying how much she liked you and wanted to hang out again. Then we had the baby, got busy, and never saw you guys again. When you said your ex’s name was Luke, I clearly never connected the dots, but I remember you guys. Where did you go?”
“That was when he got the job in California, and I couldn’t stay in that apartment anymore.
I can’t believe I knew you before. I can’t believe I knew Laura.
I felt the same way about her. She was such a bright presence, and I wanted more of that in my life.
I saw her with the baby—OMG! Linden! Then my life got chaotic, and I left.
I was so wrapped up in all the drama in my life, I couldn’t stay.
I left that place and just put everything behind me. ”
We are still in a tight embrace. I feel him nod and take a few deep breaths.
“I know Laura wanted me to fall in love again. She told me so. When you know you're dying, there is pressure to have those conversations. She told me her wishes for the girls and that she didn’t want me to be alone. She didn’t want the girls to grow up without a woman to love them, as much as it pained her to need someone to do that for her. ”
“I know she didn’t want me to feel guilty, but it’s always been there.
I have had a nagging feeling of guilt through all of this, and please don’t take that the wrong way because I'm so in love with you. But how could I fall in love again without it being a little bit of a betrayal to what we had? But this. She knew you. She wanted to be friends with you. Cass, it feels like she brought us together. I’m not sure if you believe in that sort of thing, but how can I not?
If she had a hand in it, I'm so grateful to her for helping me find you. It feels like the peace I have been waiting for since she died.”
Now we are both bawling in my living room, holding each other tight, because I want to believe that, too.
I don’t want to replace anyone. I just want to be with this man who I desperately love and be the partner he has wanted to help raise his kids.
I hope Laura is responsible for this. And Luke has been known to blow up my world before, but never like this.
Thank God for him and his ability to make all strangers into friends.
We both owe our previous loves a huge thank you.
“I already knew Laura was special because she married you and made these three beautiful girls with you. I feel the same. What a blessing to have known her. And I'm so grateful that this has helped with feeling guilty about moving on. That has weighed on me as well, and I didn’t want to go into a forever relationship with anything holding us back. I hope she would be happy that we found each other.”
Ben leans over and kisses me on the forehead. “She would be absolutely giddy about this. I know it. I love you so much, Cassie. Thank you for sticking with me while I figured this out.”
“I love you, too.”
Ben holds me for a while longer and then pulls away. He lets out a little chuckle and says, “I think we should send Luke a thank you card. I’ve never felt so grateful to a significant other’s ex-boyfriend before.”
I laugh and agree. “He really saved the day. Another reason I should work harder to get to know the neighbors. All of this could have been avoided.”
He kisses my forehead again and says, “I think this happened exactly how it should have. I better get back in case anyone wakes up. Sorry, I woke you, but everything clicked, and I couldn’t wait another minute to talk to you.”
“I’m glad you did. You can always talk to me, any time. And I don’t give that privilege to many people. See you in the morning, my love.”
Grass Daddy AKA Baby Daddy Ben: Coming over soon, Toots? I have something I want to show you!
Me: Will I need three guesses to figure out what you want to show me? Or just one?
Grass Daddy AKA Baby Daddy Ben : Probably just one. ??
Me: Does it rhyme with lick?
Grass Daddy AKA Baby Daddy Ben: HOT. You know me so well. Hurry up!
Me: There is no hurrying up anymore. I'll hoist myself off my bed and waddle over there as fast as I can.
Later that day, I am lounging on the couch at Ben’s.
Our romantic Valentine’s Day date plan was to lie on the couch and not do any responsibilities.
I have my feet up on his lap, the little kids are in bed, and Brooklyn is in her room doing teenage things.
She officially moved to the guest room so the baby could have her room upstairs by our bedroom.
I have been staying here more nights than not, and my house will officially be on the market in the next couple of weeks.
Every time I am here with Ben and his girls, I feel such a sense of peace and a feeling of “this is home.” While it’s not likely I would ever acknowledge this out loud, I’m really grateful WJ bullied me into opening my eyes to Ben.
Ben has his hands on my belly, feeling the nonstop movement.
If I didn’t already know what kind of dad he would be, the amount of love he heaps on my uterus every day would give me a really good picture.
This baby is going to come out knowing his voice, his smell, and most of his bad jokes.
I can feel his eyes on me, and I am avoiding eye contact because I know what he wants from me.
I’m so attracted to him and, at the same time, so unattractive to myself that I just can’t.
Staring straight ahead at the TV, I say, “You can not be attracted to me right now.”
He rubs my belly lovingly and says, “What? Because of this little thing?”
“Ben, there is nothing little about what I have going on right now. Everything is big. Everything.”
“I know," he says, wiggling his eyebrows at me.
“I feel disgusting.”
“Mmm, you look gorgeous.”
“I was going to take this to the grave; however, you have left me no choice. I have a hemorrhoid," I reply, intentionally sucking all of the sexiness out of the room.
“Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty to me.”
“I’m serious, Ben. How can I be sexy to you with a hemorrhoid?”
“While we make love, if I commit to looking at your face, instead of your ass, will that help?”
“It’s a start.”
“I know you don’t have your normal body right now, but there is nothing that could ever make you stop being sexy to me. Nothing.”
I open my mouth to respond, and he says, “Not even hemorrhoids.”
I eventually relented and gave the man what he desired. He is so good at making me feel beautiful, that I almost forgot about all of my pregnancy-related ailments for the night. Almost.