38. Luna
I’d call it joy. Pure, unfettered joy. Well, mostly.
I hook my arm securely through Nik’s as we walk down the city sidewalk. This morning, he surprised me with a trip to the bookstore I’ve always wanted to go to, and I used my exorbitant gift card to add to the ever-growing book collection he started for me.
We’re on the way to meet Luka and Kate for dinner, and the happiness I’m feeling is overwhelming.
It’s been two days since the training room, and the tides have turned. Now Nik touches me without hesitation, and we joke and laugh more than I ever thought possible. I’ve fallen for him, truly and deeply. But I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to fully fall for me.
The warm summer breeze tickles the back of my thighs as my light blue dress rustles behind me. Moving me to his other side, Nik pulls me close as we cross the street.
As I fiddle with my bag’s strap, my ring gets snagged on the braided handle. I glance down to the heirloom on my finger. While I still hate the design, the weight of the rock doesn’t bring me panic like it did before. Now, it feels—well, sentimental.
We swing into the restaurant. It’s a cute alley cafe with lots of outdoor seating, perfect for New York’s warm late summer weather. Luka and Kate wave us over to a four person table under the hanging string lights. We order drinks, and Kate asks about our trip to the bookstore.
Growing up, friendships and double dates were never a thing. It feels good to get out and do something normal, away from mafia business. Nik, who’s been more attentive and charming than ever, shuffles some of his garlic parmesan fries onto my plate. And as I sit here with the three of them, I realize just how different my life has become in such a short amount of time—in a good way.
But as we move through dinner, my restlessness grows. I try to hold on to the joy I was feeling earlier, but it slowly slips away as I start second-guessing everything.
I want to enjoy myself, to be present. However, the uncertainty surrounding my relationship with Nik—is he only making do with the cards he’s been dealt?—plus the compounded worry over my missing sister, suddenly has my emotions riding a roller coaster.
By the time dessert is served, I’m overwhelmed and nauseous. I fidget with the hem of my dress while I watch people walk by on the sidewalk, leg anxiously tapping along to the music. Many couples are holding hands, and others have their arms wrapped around each other, getting as close as possible. Some walk side by side, untouching, but with looks of contentment on their faces.
Nik leans over and steals a bite of my triple-chocolate brownie. “Are you okay, Moonbeam?”
“Yeah,” I say, but his mouth twitches, and I don’t think he buys it.
From across the table, Kate offers me a thumbs up. Hope rages beneath my worry. Does she see something different with Nik?
“I have another stop I’d like to make if you’re up for it?” Nik says, once dinner is over and our goodbyes have been said.
“Sure,” I reply, stifling the tears that want to fall.
“It’s just a quick walk.” He winks, rubbing in that Nikolai charm, and I force a smile. Intrigue holds me together.
Several blocks later, I’m standing in front of a high-end jewelry store, floored I’m even about to enter. Large pristine windows with frosted glass line the entire front. The shop’s name, Luxe Jewels, is etched into the frost, allowing for a peek at the intricate displays inside.
Nik pulls on my hand, but I stay frozen in the spot, sweat breaking out on my temples and the back of my neck.
“What are we doing?” I glance at the ring currently on my finger. Is he?—?
He tilts his head toward the door. “Come on.”
After ungluing my feet from the sidewalk, I follow him inside, and I’m instantly blown away.
Elegant glass display cases holding meticulously arranged jewelry collections and jaw-dropping diamonds line each side of the room, and light from numerous crystal chandeliers make each piece gleam.
Nik leads me to a private consultation area with plush velvet seating and large mirrors propped on tables. An older man dressed in a suit and bowtie emerges from the back, hands extended wide to greet us.
“Nikolai, so good of you to come.” He gives Nik a hug and motions for us to sit.
“Rob, this is my wife, Luna. Luna, this is Rob, the owner of this store.” Nik moves to pull out a seat for me. My eyes narrow at him as I sit. He grins, scooting my chair closer to a marble-topped display counter.
There’s an impressive array of engagement and wedding rings lined up on velvet trays, all of them organized by design, metal type, and gemstone. They’re like works of art.
“Very nice to meet you, Luna.” Rob takes my hand and gives it a simple, yet firm, shake. “Let me grab a couple things, and I’ll be back.” He shuffles away, leaving Nik and I to stare at each other.
“What are we doing?” I ask him again.
Moving forward in his seat, he rests his elbows on his thighs, then presses his hands together and brings them to his mouth, almost like he’s praying. I watch him tap his fingers against his lips. I’m not sure why he won’t answer me.
“Nik?” I try one more time.
He sighs and wipes his brow. Then he reaches for me, grabbing my left hand and fiddling with my ring.
Is he nervous?
“I want you to pick a new ring, Luna.” His deep hazel eyes pin me to the spot. “You shouldn’t have to wear one forced on you by your parents. I want you to pick a ring that’s just for you, that you love. For you, and you alone. It’ll be your choice.”
A familiar tingle pricks the back of my eyes.
“And,” he says, “if you choose not to wear one, that’s fine, too.”
Nik looks pained as he says those last words. My eyes flick to his black ring. Was there ever a time when he didn’t wear it? New worry bubbles up inside me.
“Do … do you like yours?”
He snorts and laces his fingers through my hand. “It’s my favorite accessory.”
His smile widens into a large grin, and he pulls my hand to his mouth, kissing the top. Just the minor brush of his lips against my skin ignites my body for his. He rubs his stubble against my wrist, and I laugh.
“All right.” Rob’s voice cuts through our moment and two glasses of champagne are set in front of us. Nik’s eyes narrow on the glass. Rob winces. “I know, I know. I didn’t have any vodka for you, okay? Most of our customers prefer the light and bubbly beverage.”
He sits and pulls out several trays, the gems gleaming under the soft light.
“Any idea what you’d like?”
“I like it,” Nik says, squeezing my hand as we walk down the street.
After sorting through all kinds of different rings, from classic solitaires to vintage-inspired designs with intricate filigrees, I ended up choosing a platinum band with a pear-shaped diamond. We sized my finger, and Nik added a full diamond wedding band to our order. Rob sent us on our way with pickup instructions for two weeks from now.
When we were finished, I slipped my old family ring back on. I can’t bring myself to not wear a ring for two whole weeks.
“Me, too. Thank you.” I grin up at him and he yanks me in for a kiss. Butterflies flutter in my stomach. I never thought I could be this happy. Ever.
Nik’s reasoning for wanting to buy me a new ring made me melt and alleviated some of the anxiety I was feeling at dinner. A budding relationship with him—my husband—was not something I foresaw when he stood across from me at the altar. But now, I’m not sure I can imagine being married to anyone else.
The sun has since dipped below the city skyline, and the streets are alive with the glow of neon signs and the energy of the urban night. We walk at an unhurried pace, which is novel, and chat about some of the countries at the top of my travel list; Nik enthusiastically reorders my top five. Being able to savor my time with Nik over the past week has been a dream.
I side-eye him. As he leads me farther down the sidewalk, his large form engulfing mine, he gets progressively quieter—abnormally so—and at one point I glimpse a furrowed brow and a worried looking frown on his face.
“Are you okay?” I ask hesitantly, not wanting to spoil the mood.
“Yeah,” he answers, offering me a simple smile that doesn’t show his dimple.
I’m not sure I believe him. Did something happen?
We pass an ice cream parlor tucked away on a quiet street on the way back to the car. The artisanal flavors call to me, and I stop to read the list posted on their sidewalk sign. The tinkling of a bell and the inviting aroma of freshly churned ice cream grabs my attention, and I look up to see Nik already holding the door open, the grin I so desperately wanted seconds ago spread across his handsome face.
“We’re going in,” he informs me, and I chuckle as I let him usher me into the shop.
I can’t remember the last time I ate ice cream. The cold, judgmental voice of my mother slithers through my mind, but the warm arm wrapped around my waist dulls it to a mere whisper.
“I’ll have a triple scoop of triple chocolate fudge,” Nik’s tells the employee, his voice is smug, and he smirks in my direction. “My wife works too many calories out of me.”
My mouth falls open, and my eyes dart to the girl behind the counter. She looks like she’s trying not to laugh.
“And for you?” she asks me.
“I’ll have a scoop of the lavender honey in a cone, please.”
It’s Nik’s turn to drop his mouth open. “Please tell me you did not order that over the cookie dough or salted caramel swirl.” He laughs at my affronted look, reaching into his back pocket for some cash to hand the girl.
“Well, you don’t have to eat any.” I wink at him, utilizing a page from his playbook, and he grabs my hand to bring it to his chest.
“It’s insane what you do to me, Luna.”
I blush.
A few minutes later, waffle cones in hand, we retreat to a cozy booth by the window. It reflects the perfect picture; husband and wife, sitting across from each other eating ice cream. A flash of the future dots my vision. Nik and I, older, ushering our grandkids to this spot as a special treat.
I blink. Oh gosh, Luna.
Does Nik even want kids?
Outside, the city continues to pulse with life, but here, within the confines of this ice cream shop, time seems to slow down—our own little pocket of peace.
“Do you want kids?” I blurt out.
And there goes the peace.
Nik stops midlick, already at his bottom scoop, and stares at me. His eyes go far off, like he’s seriously thinking about something. Then he lowers his cone and grabs a napkin to wipe his mouth.
“I’m sorry, that was so not a question I should be asking right now.” I divert my eyes, embarrassed. Shoot. I let my heart and my head get ahead of where we are.
This is new for us both, and I’m ruining things already.
“I … haven’t thought much about it. Honestly, Luna, I never thought I’d ever get married let alone have kids. Never wanted to.”
I nod. Of course. It was stupid of me to think he might want a family with a wife he never wanted.
“Right. I know. I’m sorry,” I say.
He twirls his cone between two fingers. “But now,” he says, and I hold my breath. “Now I’m not so sure. I don’t know, Luna. I don’t have a legacy to carry on like Luka does, and I wouldn’t want the childhood I had for my own kids. Plus, I’d be a horrible father.”
My heart clenches hearing him say that. Because, while I’m still getting to know Nik, I doubt he’d be a terrible parent.
“Don’t sell yourself short, Nik. You have so much to give.” And he does. So much joy, infectious humor, and loyalty. Great qualities that, if passed down to children, would make for wonderful little Niks in the world.
I picture little ones running around again, and I stop myself. I’m clearly delusional, because we live above a weapons warehouse. I shake my head.
Nik has gone introspective once more, and I mentally chide myself for bringing it up.
The walk to his car is quiet, the silence between us growing stronger and stronger. Did I do this? Or is something else bothering him?
After sliding into my seat, I lean across the console to brush a kiss to his cheek, and he closes his eyes—as if relishing it. But as we drive back home, his hands grip the steering wheel so hard his knuckles turn white, and his jaw remains clenched the entire time.
I think he isn’t saying something.