Chapter 21 Villain #4
He took a deep breath and then sat up, leaning on his knees and studying me intently with both eyes.
“You aren’t here for your night terrors.
They’ve been going on for a long time, but you’ve developed coping strategies, at least put them off as unimportant.
Now it’s something else, something that scares you.
You’ve been shockingly open for a first session because you want to fix whatever’s wrong and get back to whatever it is you do. So tell me, what’s the real problem?”
I swallowed hard while my heart pounded faster than it had when Baldy was shooting at me.
That hadn’t seemed like real danger, but this did.
“Pulling the trigger,” I whispered. Why was that so hard to say?
I sat up straight and forced myself to look him in the eye.
“I had two targets, and I froze up on both of them. I ended up with a gun to my head for that. If you don’t hit first and hardest, you die.
I’m a woman. I’m weaker and smaller than you.
If you’re a threat, I have to eliminate you before you realize that you’re going to lose.
” I shook my head. Did I have to tell him about my failure as a seductress?
It was so humiliating, but that was where it all started.
I cleared my throat and forced the words out.
“I freeze up in other situations as well. For instance, when I decide it would be beneficial to exert charm on a man to achieve my designs, my body freezes and I can’t control it.
The opposite is also true, acting impulsively against my better judgement, putting myself at risk when I know how dangerous the game is. ”
He squinted and nodded. “You wouldn’t be able to seduce me?”
“Not unless I found you attractive.”
“And you don’t?” He raised a brow over his colorful eye like it was impossible to imagine a woman in the world who didn’t fall for his charms.
“Don’t sound so skeptical. I have a very narrow frame of natural attraction. I think I know what the problem is, where it came from, but I’m not sure how to resolve it.”
“You can’t just do what you feel like doing?”
I stared at him. Was he a complete idiot?
I laughed and pulled the throw over me off the arm.
It was a cashmere silk blend as soft and delicate as I felt.
Minx would love the natural fibers. Was she okay?
I shouldn’t have made her shoot the two men that were my job to neutralize.
“No. I have to be able to pull the trigger. I can’t put other people at risk because of my own weakness. ”
“All right. You think you know what caused it. Tell me, and I’ll see what I can do to help you solve your problem.”
I curled up more tightly and pressed my lips together. “I don’t want to tell you.”
“Finally, some reluctance.” He grinned like that was a good thing.
I glared at him. “I haven’t wanted to tell you anything, but I can do what is necessary no matter how personally unpleasant I find something. At least I used to. I seduced a man for money.”
He didn’t say anything, and the silence was so loud, I could feel myself shaking apart.
“It didn’t end well,” I added.
He cocked his head, dark blue eyes curious, but polite.
I got up and walked towards the window, holding the blanket tight around me.
The carpet was very nice under my bare feet.
I didn’t remember taking off my heels. The words felt like shards of ice coming out of my throat.
“My grandfather wanted me to take a man who preferred his women more experimental in the bedroom. I took lessons for two months so that I could know how to perform, what I should say, every look, every touch, and then I took him and…”
“Killed him?” he asked breathlessly.
I laughed, resting my face on the window, but not seeing the street.
Instead, I saw myself walking out of that room, stiff and cold, like I wasn’t completely shattered on the inside.
“No. I’ve never killed anyone. I seduced him.
Afterwards, I was locked in my soundproof room playing my cello, but I couldn’t feel the music, couldn’t feel anything.
I had to shut down my emotions completely.
For two years it was like that, every Thursday night a struggle to get back to normal after the seduction, but it ended and I was left without the prize I’d promised myself.
I lied to my body, so now it doesn’t trust me. ”
“Because you used it like he did. Makes sense.”
I sighed and turned to face him. Did that really make sense? Not to me. It wasn’t a big deal. Clint never hurt me, not like Philippe, but these emotions were so powerful. My body really did feel betrayed. “You know a lot of prostitutes?”
He nodded soberly. “I do. I don’t hire them. I find it an ethical dilemma. Also, I’m kind of attractive to women with a slightly wider scope than you seem to have. I can tell you how to fix your problem, but you aren’t going to like it.”
I walked over and perched on the end of the couch still holding onto the blanket, curling my toes into the soft leather. “Not liking it isn’t the issue. I can do anything whether I want to or not.”
He cleared his throat. “Actually, you can’t. If you want your body to trust you, you have to trust it. Stop trying to force yourself to do things you don’t really want to do.”
I stared at him and tears rose in my eyes for no reason I could understand. “What?”
“Go for the guy that makes no sense. Don’t try to seduce the right person you don’t want.
Don’t eat vegetables if you don’t like them.
Go out at two a.m. for a hot dog if you want.
I don’t usually have people who need to indulge, but that’s what you need, to indulge yourself.
” His eyes were soft, compassionate in a way I didn’t want to see.
I frowned down at my bare feet. My toe nail wasn’t perfect. I should get a pedicure so I could look effortlessly perfect when I seduced Dirk and brought him to his knees. The thought brought me no satisfaction, in fact, I felt absolutely nauseous.
I groaned and put my head on my knees, hiding my toes.
“Does it sound that bad?” he said, amused.
“I don’t want to get a pedicure.”
“Then don’t.”
“I have to be perfect.”
“Who told you that? They were lying. They didn’t have your best interests at heart. Perfect isn’t real. Perfect is dead. Trying to be perfect when you’re human will shut you down.”
“You’re saying I suffer from perfectionism?” I asked my knees. That wasn’t what I expected to hear. I’d expected that I should talk about my feelings. Release emotion through meditation or something, not eat hot dogs. It felt right, though.
“You just told me that you have to be perfect. Who’s going to hurt you if you aren’t?”
I had a picture of my grandfather in my head, walking towards me with a sympathetic smile right before he sprained my hand so perfectly that it healed in the precise time frame he wanted.
I raised my head and tried to banish the memory.
That wasn’t the current problem. I could only deal with one issue at a time.
I stood up and carefully folded the throw as I walked towards my shoes. “How much do I owe you?” I asked, draping the throw over the arm of the chair.
“Oh. I usually charge depending on what people can afford. You can’t afford anything, so don’t worry about it.”
I straightened up from pulling on my heels. “I have money. I have two million dollars, but that’s charity money.”
“Charity money?”
I studied his face carefully. He was friends with Dirk, if the wealthy and powerful ever had friends.
Did I want Dirk to know about his mother?
He probably already knew, but did this guy?
I glanced over at the cello sitting in the middle of the room, a lonely cello that hadn’t been played for far too long by anyone remotely capable.
What did I want? I wanted to play the cello. Publicly. Particularly somewhere Dirk could hear me play. I wanted him to be impressed with my skills. Silly, but he’d seduced me. I was a fool for him.
I raised my chin and looked at Horse. “I have skills. If you throw parties, I can play with your orchestra.” I swallowed once the words were out.
I’d always wanted to play with an orchestra, but of course that was forbidden.
If my body was revolting because I didn’t give it what it needed, I should start with music.
It was still terrifying, admitting that’s what I wanted, offering to play for payment, and if my grandfather found out…
He stood up and came towards me, hand outstretched. His hands were very large, and he stood at least a head over me.
“I don’t want to shake your hand.”
He grinned and dropped it. “Good. Don’t. If you’d like to play, I’m having a party next Wednesday to celebrate the upcoming race. Would you be more or less comfortable having Death-Hammer members there with you?”
I narrowed my eyes at him. Sure, he wasn’t her stalker, but he wanted one member of Death-Hammer to be there, and it wasn’t Jezabel. “Why are you interested in Trixie? Are you sure you aren’t a stalker?”
He cocked his head and studied me. “Trixie O’Hara can’t be bought.
She’s never been bought, and she never will be.
Most people can be bought at the right price, including me, but not her.
And she’s the most stunning creature in the world.
She is beyond my ideal female. It drives me insane that she doesn’t see her own intrinsic worth. ”
Something twisted in my chest at the thought of the Dragon. What would it be like to be so strong that nothing could purchase your soul?
“Invite Death-Hammer to your party.”
He raised a brow? “Are you sure that’s what you want?”
I pressed my lips together. “I like Dirk Dagger. He is one of the few, all right, the only male I’ve ever met that I want.
He’s infuriating, impossible, and he comes from a terrible family, but I can’t help myself.
I want him to hear me play. I’m very good, but no one ever hears me play.
I want him to be impressed. It’s foolish and weak of me, but it’s what I want. ”
His smile was almost soft. “It’s human. It’s fun. Dirk even likes the cello. He’ll like that you play it whether you’re amazing or not.”
I nodded and headed for the door.
“Aren’t you going to thank me?” he asked, following me.
“I’ll thank you after I can pull the trigger.”
“You are one scary woman. No wonder the ladies like you so much. Trixie was talking about you, how good you were on a bike. Even Jezebel mentioned how well you perform under pressure.”
I pressed my palms to my stomach, oh yes, you can rely on Dani to shoot someone instead of folding out of nerves, or whatever that had been. “I don’t, but I will. That is, if you have any idea what you’re doing.” I glanced over my shoulder at him.
He shrugged. “I could show you my diplomas if it would make you feel better, or we could take a walk down the strip and point out all the places where the people used to be who now have the lives they actually want.”
I sighed and continued out the door. What he said wasn’t entirely ridiculous. Since I couldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do, I might as well stop fighting it.
I left the room feeling too many emotions that I didn’t want to deal with.
What did I want right now? I was going to get my own phone.
And chocolate. And I’d eat chocolate and call Toni.
But what if… No. I couldn’t do anything until I got myself back under control.
If indulging myself was what it took, so be it.