Chapter 11
Ellie squeezed her temples. If breakfast had been a battle, lunch was the war.
Turner had invited Ellie, Callie, and Lewis to a posh restaurant atop a ritzy hotel, with a view of the ocean and a menu in French. While Ellie could read it, Lewis and Callie could not, leaving Ellie to translate to the two people who clearly didn’t want to be there.
Callie’s feelings were unsurprising to her mother.
The girl had never cared much for Turner and certainly not for pretension, though this luncheon was rich in them both.
But Lewis typically liked Turner’s company, and the fact that someone else was paying the tab.
Today, however, Lewis was sullen and withdrawn.
He was drinking sweet tea, and Ellie wasn’t sure if that was the cause of his bad mood or simply an indicator of it.
“Well, this is certainly a beautiful view,” said Ellie, desperate for some polite conversation to fill the quiet and clearly uncomfortable silence.
Turner smiled. “I’m glad you like it. The concierge at the hotel assured me it was the best in town.”
It was so like him to insist on the best restaurant, the best table, the best everything—though he never seemed to notice she and the kids would be happier in a diner with a grilled cheese sandwich and a Coke.
And while she had no problem voicing her displeasure with Mac, disagreeing with Turner was far more difficult.
He liked to be right, whereas Mac wanted her to be happy.
“I’m so glad Dad came to the wedding,” said Callie, and Ellie was keenly aware of Turner’s displeasure with her daughter’s topic of choice.
When did I become so concerned with upsetting Turner?
She hadn’t noticed the change, so subtle was her deference to his feelings over time.
But yes, if she was being honest with herself, she usually did what she had to do to keep Turner happy.
She could see now, even not turning down his proposal of marriage had been a way to placate him.
It was as if she’d suddenly realized she’d become a doormat, determined to avoid confrontation at all costs.
But why?
That wasn’t who she was, it wasn’t how she behaved. But as soon as she posed the question, she knew the answer. Because Turner would get angry, and after her tumultuous relationship with Mac, she was dedicated to keeping the peace—if only for her children’s sake.
“The concierge said the crawfish is amazing,” Turner said. “The best you can find in the state.”
“That’s wonderful,” she mumbled, absorbed in her thoughts.
She and Mac used to argue regularly. More important, she’d enjoyed their sparring.
It had helped them grow as a couple, to challenge each other, to say what was on their minds.
And the make-up sex had been some of the best sex of their relationship.
She looked at Turner. “We don’t fight.”
“Excuse me?” he looked at her quizzically, his blue eyes betraying a touch of annoyance.
She knew why. She was supposed to comment on how beautiful the view was from up here, how considerate of him it was to book such an incredible restaurant.
But today, she didn’t care. She never cared.
And today she wanted to talk about what she wanted to talk about.
“We don’t fight. I never disagree with you. ”
Callie and Lewis shifted their eyes from their mother to Turner and back again.
He chuckled uncomfortably. “That isn’t a bad thing, Ellie. We get along.”
“No, I capitulate.” At his blank stare, she offered, “I give in. I let you control the conversation and I go along for the ride.”
“I know what capitulate means.” He closed his menu and leaned forward. “Are you saying I try to control you? Because I don’t feel that’s fair.”
“No, not at all. I’m saying I let you control me. That somewhere along the way, I decided you could be in charge, that it was fine with me.”
He raised his eyebrows. “So, what’s the problem?”
“It’s not fine with me. I want to fight.”
“Here?”
“Maybe, yes.” She looked around the restaurant, the overly nice restaurant with overly well behaved people. “Here, there, at home, it doesn’t matter.”
He closed his eyes. “You’re being ridiculous. Look at your menu.”
“Look at my menu?” She cocked her head. “I am not a child, Turner. I am trying to have a serious conversation with you. Don’t shut me down.”
“Lower your voice. This isn’t the place for an argument.”
“So what?” she said loudly, enjoying how the other patrons twisted in their seats to see her, how Turner bristled under their attention. She needed to see this, needed to see how he would respond. Across the table, Callie looked thrilled, while one side of Lewis’s mouth hitched up into a smile.
“This is an exclusive restaurant,” he hissed, glaring at Ellie and the children. “They’re going to think you don’t belong.”
“Oh, no you didn’t,” Lewis said in a low voice.
Ellie narrowed her eyes. “And why would they think that, Turner?”
When he didn’t answer, she got louder. “I said, why would they think we don’t belong, Turner? Might it be because we’re the only three Black people in the restaurant?”
He took his napkin off his lap and threw it on the table. “This is insanity. We’re leaving. We will continue this in the car.”
“We are not going anywhere with you,” said Ellie, shaking her head.
Callie held up her glass of water. “Buh-bye, Turner.”
Lewis laughed. “Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out,” he said.
Turner held out his hand toward Ellie, a fierce demand presented as a kind gesture. “Let’s go. I mean it.”
She stood up, standing nearly as tall as he. “Goodbye, Turner.”
He stormed out of the restaurant, Lewis and Callie clapping in his wake. She plopped down in her chair. “Why the hell was I going to marry that guy?”
Lewis chuckled. “Because you were out of your mind.”
Callie hugged her arm. “Because you missed Dad.”
The waiter returned to the table. “May I take your order?”
Ellie passed him her menu. “Grilled cheese.”
“Grilled cheese,” said Callie.
Lewis nodded. “Grilled cheese, with crawfish.”
They ate their sandwiches in good-natured silence, Callie’s comment echoing in Ellie’s mind. Had she agreed to marry Turner because she’d been missing Mac?
The men couldn’t be more different, but if she was being completely honest with herself, she’d been looking to be loved like that again. And while she had known, in her heart of hearts, that Turner could never make her feel as Mac had, she’d wanted to love and be loved.
Which brought her back to the obvious question. Should she give Mac another chance?
When the kids were younger, she’d needed to protect them.
She would have had to say no, which was why she’d ignored her longing for the man all these years.
But they weren’t babies anymore, they were nearly grown.
Shonda was a married woman, Lewis was an adult, and Callie was a senior in high school.
For the first time since Ellie had left Mac, she couldn’t use the kids as a reason to stay away.
She was scared, that much was clear. Even just sitting across from him at breakfast had been like sitting too close to the sun.
She felt alive when she was near him, alive and wanted, appreciated for who she was.
So he’d struggled with alcohol. He seemed to have gotten hold of his life again, and that was the only reason she’d left him in the first place.
But what if he went back there again? What if he relapsed and started drinking? Could she stand to watch him destroy himself, to disappear into that void?
Can you stand to live without him?
To keep denying yourself the love of this man forever?
“I’m thinking of dating your father,” she blurted.
Callie and Lewis stared at her. Callie smiled wide, and Lewis lowered his brow.
“What do you think about that?”
“Good,” said Callie.
“Not good,” said Lewis.
Callie turned to her brother. “Why not?”
“Because he thinks he can just walk back in here and pick up where he left off. Be a father again.” He gestured to his mother. “Be a husband. And he can’t. He messed us up. He messed you up.”
Ellie shook her head. “I wouldn’t say—”
“He did, Mom. I was there, remember? I heard you crying yourself to sleep. I remember how sad you were, and how hard everything was for you. How could you forget that?”
She hadn’t forgotten. And she could see how much pain this had caused her son. She wished things had been different for him. Wished Mac hadn’t had a drinking problem, wished she hadn’t had to leave. But none of that could be undone.
“I wish I had a magic wand and I could take all that away from you,” she said quietly. “It was a hard time for us all. But your father’s sober now, and he wants another chance. I still have feelings for him, Lewis. I never stopped caring about him. I want to give him that chance.”
“Well, you’re going to have to do it without me.” He shook his head, the resemblance between him and his father striking Ellie with such force it nearly took her breath away. “I watched that man tear you down once, and I won’t watch him do it again.”