Chapter 28 Kailin
KAILIN
"Mastering a skill is not about asserting dominance over it, but about finding the right resonance."
—Dragon Force Manual
Ididn't remember the last time I'd felt this rested. Being excused from conditioning and hand-to-hand combat training was a boon. While my classmates sweated through drills, I was encouraged to either sit the training out or stay in my room and sleep.
It was glorious.
The problem was that I had no idea if I was actually healing or just fooling myself.
Every night, I visualized cutting the connections, tearing through the invisible spiderwebs linking me to countless small creatures.
But were they really being severed, or was I just imagining my progress?
The real test would come when I stopped the sleeping draught and resumed the hallucinogenic tea.
The thought of drinking that vile stuff again made my stomach turn, and the thought of sharing consciousness with numerous night creatures terrified me, especially now that I had proof that my fears hadn't been groundless.
I was losing myself, leaving behind pieces of myself I couldn't afford to lose.
Thankfully, no one expected me to return to that anytime soon. Chief Medical Officer Thoran and Healer Morah had been adamant that I was not to drink the prophetic tea until after I bonded with a dragon.
Even my flight lessons with Ravel had been tame compared to what we'd been practicing before my diagnosis.
Basic maneuvers, gentle spirals, nothing that would tax my strength or make me anxious.
It was nice, and I enjoyed my stress-free days, but I was falling behind.
With only two weeks until the Day of Volition, that was troubling, but I managed to shove these thoughts into a corner of my mind and continue healing.
I knew I would pass all the academic tests with ease, and the instructors would go easy on me with the physical ones.
Everyone in the Citadel wanted to see me bonded with a dragon, except perhaps for the traitors that still hadn't been found.
The security measures throughout the Citadel had intensified. More patrols, more checkpoints, and more suspicious glances between cadets and even instructors.
Ravel had confirmed that the rumor about Elusitor converts was more than a rumor, and since it had spread like wildfire throughout the Citadel, it had poisoned the atmosphere, making everyone wonder who could be trusted.
But up here, on this platform with Ravel and Onyx, I felt safe.
No matter how many times I had seen Onyx, I was always awed by the sight of the enormous black dragon. His scales gleamed in the afternoon sun, and his golden eyes fixed on me with warmth and amusement.
"How are you feeling today, Little Warrior?" he asked the same question that he’d been asking me every day.
"Great. As long as I'm excused from all the physically exerting classes, I'm good."
Ravel chuckled and offered me a hand up, steadying me as I settled into the saddle in front of him. His presence behind me was solid, reassuring. After the explosion and the attacks, having Commander Ravel as my instructor felt less like special treatment and more like necessary protection.
Once I had my flight goggles on, Onyx launched, and the platform fell away beneath us. The familiar rush of altitude, the wind in my face, and the mountains spreading out below were exhilarating.
It never ceased to amaze me that I was enjoying flying as I did. The fear of heights was still there, and I couldn't bring myself to get close to the edge of the landing platform, but I was fine on Onyx's back.
I trusted him.
Ravel put me through the basics. Spirals, climbs, banks. Nothing too demanding, nothing too challenging, and after thirty minutes of this, I couldn't take it anymore.
"Can we please try something more difficult?"
"You're not supposed to exert yourself or get stressed. That precludes elaborate maneuvers."
"I need to be ready for the Day of Volition." I turned to look at him, my nose practically touching his. "If the dragon who is interested in bonding with me takes me on a test run, and my performance is subpar, they might pass on me. Or worse, I might fall and get killed."
I couldn't see Ravel's eyes behind the lenses of his flight goggles, but given the slight lifting of his lips, he was amused.
"Dragons are more interested in the strength of the mental connection they can form with you than in testing you for flight acrobatics.
And since you've already communicated with most of them, and they all know who you are and what you can do, you'll be the most sought-after cadet. You'll have your pick of dragons."
It should have been a relief, but it wasn't. What if they started fighting over me? What if they chose me for the prestige of bonding with the Hero of Elucia and future shaman instead of choosing me for who I was as a person?
This bond was for life, stronger than marriage and sometimes more lasting. It shouldn't form for the wrong reasons.
"How does the choosing work exactly?"
No one had explained the process, keeping what transpired on the Day of Volition shrouded in mystery.
"It's instinctual," Onyx said in my mind. "You'll know which dragon is meant for you, whether you like it or not."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
Ravel snorted. "Do you think I wanted to bond with big, bad Obsidian? I hoped the connection would snap with a beautiful female dragon with shimmering gold, purple, or blue scales."
"Why did you want a female?" I asked.
The smirk returned. "I prefer female company, whether she's human or dragon. With males, it's always a competition. It's more harmonious with females."
It was nice that he idealized women, but I could introduce him to some who would change his mind.
My grandmother's neighbor, Sarka Pavlid, was a harpy who made her poor husband's life miserable.
It was so bad that he often sat on his front porch in the middle of a freezing night, smoking his pipe with a long-suffering expression on his face.
"Isn't it a competition with females too?" I asked.
"It's different. There's more mutual courtesy."
"I give you plenty of courtesy," Onyx said in both our heads, his mental voice sounding amused.
"Right," Ravel groaned. "I'm not complaining. Onyx is a good companion and a powerful dragon. I don't regret even for a moment that we found each other and bonded. It's just that before the Day of Volition, I always imagined bonding with a female dragon."
That seemed to mollify Onyx, and for the next several minutes, he radiated satisfaction and calm.
We flew over the mountains in comfortable cruising altitude.
Below, snow-capped peaks gave way to green valleys, and beyond them lay the Elucian Sea and the Sitorian part of the Daian supercontinent.
Somewhere out there, the Shedun were planning their next attack.
Somewhere out there, Elusitor converts were being trained to infiltrate and destroy.
But up here, the air was clean, and the sky was endless.
"How is the cutting of the threads going?" Ravel asked.
I hesitated. "I'm not sure. I feel much better, stronger, but I don't know if it's the rest, the food, and the good sleep at night, or whether I'm actually untangling the web I created. It's not like I can see the connections. It's like pulling myself back from places I don't remember going."
"You must be able to feel them, though," he said.
"The tendrils are everywhere, but I don't know if they're loose and floating around or still attached to creatures' consciousnesses." I heard the frustration leak into my voice. "How do you measure something you can't see?"
Ravel was quiet for a moment. "Maybe you're not supposed to cut them. Maybe you're just supposed to manage them."
The idea was intriguing. "The problem is still the same. How am I supposed to manage what I can't see?"
"Like you do with Onyx. You open and close that connection at will, don't you?"
"I...yes. But that's different. Onyx is such a big presence. He's impossible to miss or mistake for something else. These other connections are small creatures with tiny consciousnesses that I inhabited once and have a hard time finding again."
"The principle is the same," Ravel insisted. "Instead of severing the threads, you could learn how to turn them on and off, or dim them when you don't need them, then brighten them when you do."
The idea was so simple it felt revolutionary. Why hadn't I thought of that?
But was it doable?
The fact that it sounded good in theory didn't mean I could actually control all of those gossamer threads.
"Let's find a place to land," Ravel said. "I want to try something."
Onyx descended toward a mountain peak that had a small natural platform jutting from its top. The view was breathtaking—the Citadel visible in the distance, the world spread out below us like a map.
We dismounted and sat on sun-warmed rocks. Complete privacy, nothing but wind and sky and the occasional bird of prey circling overhead.
"What do you have in mind?" I asked, suddenly feeling a little awkward about being alone out here with the commander.
After the explosion and the constant security concerns, being this isolated felt both liberating and dangerous. But Onyx was here. We were safe.
"It's a trust exercise."
"I've never heard of it."
"The training will be useful for bonding. You'll need it for the Day of Volition."
He got my full attention. "What do you want me to do?"
"Close your eyes and focus on your ability to connect with the small animals inhabiting this mountain."
I tensed. "I'm not supposed to do that until Thoran says I can."
He tilted his head. "Do you always do what you're told?"
"Most of the time," I admitted. "I'm not much of a rule breaker."
His eyes softened. "I just want to understand what you're experiencing when you form those connections. Perhaps I can help."
Perhaps he could.
I was curious. Ever since the diagnosis, I'd been avoiding my abilities like poison, which had been working for me, so I didn't see the point in changing my tactics.
But if what Ravel was suggesting about harnessing the connections instead of severing them could work, I needed to practice doing that.
"Fine. But if I end up back in the medical wing, I'm blaming you."
"Fair enough. I'm taking full responsibility."
I closed my eyes and let my awareness expand. It was like opening a door I'd kept tightly shut. The connections rushed in, not overwhelming, but present and distinct.
An owl sleeping in a tree below, dreaming of mice and moonlight. A fox hunting in the valley, nose to the ground, tracking prey. An eagle circling above us, riding thermals with effortless grace.
And Onyx, right beside me. His presence was strong and clear, a beacon of consciousness that felt warm, familiar, and intelligent.
And through Onyx, I felt Ravel.
It wasn't direct but reflected through the dragon's awareness. Concern for me. Protectiveness. Duty and honor wrapped tight around him like armor.
And beneath all that, buried so deep he probably didn't acknowledge it himself, was affection. Attraction. For me.
My eyes snapped open.
"What did you feel?" Ravel asked.
I couldn't tell him about the attraction.
He was trying to hide it even from himself.
And I was ashamed too, because some part of me responded to it in ways I shouldn't.
I loved Alar, I wanted a future with him, and this connection to Ravel was a distraction, a complication I didn't want and couldn't afford.
"I felt you through Onyx. You're concerned about me," I said carefully. "Protective. You feel bound by duty and honor to keep me safe."
He nodded. "We're bound by the prophecy."
"Yes. That too."
We sat in silence. The wind whispered around us, carrying the scent of pine and snow. Below, the world continued spinning, unaware of prophecies and connections and the complicated feelings neither of us wished to acknowledge.
"Did you feel the animals?" Ravel asked after a long moment.
"Yes. I felt an owl, a fox, and an eagle. And Onyx, of course, but I don't count him as an animal. He is a bright intelligence that's like a beacon in the darkness."
"Thank you," Onyx said in my mind. "Use what you know about our connection to control the others."
"It's not as easy as you make it sound."
"I know, Little Warrior, but I have faith in you. You are extraordinary."
The vote of confidence felt good, but also scary. What if I couldn't live up to everyone's expectations of me?
Ravel stood and offered me a hand. "Try it tonight. Practice dimming and brightening the connections instead of trying to cut them. See if that works and if it stops the drain."
I took his hand and let him pull me to my feet. For a moment, we stood close, his hand still holding mine, and I felt that pull between us again. The connection I didn't understand, and that made me uncomfortable.
I pulled away. "We should get back."
"We should."
The flight back was quieter. I sat in front of Ravel, trying not to think about how I could still feel his emotions through Onyx. The concern, the protectiveness, the duty. The attraction that he acknowledged but shoved into a corner of his mind, the same way I was doing with my response to it.
It didn't mean anything. It couldn't mean anything. I loved Alar. That was the only truth that mattered.
As we landed on the platform, I dismounted and stood there awkwardly, not sure how to end this. My hand automatically went to check my weapon, a nervous habit I'd developed since the explosion.
"Thank you for the advice about managing the connections."
He nodded. "Let me know if it works."
"I will." I turned to leave.
"Kailin."
I looked at him over my shoulder. "Yes?"
"You're going to be fine at the Day of Volition." His expression was earnest, open in a way I rarely saw. "I have complete faith in you."
The words warmed something in my chest that had nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with being seen. Not as the Hero of Elucia or the future shaman or part of some prophecy. Just as me.
"Thank you," I said again, and this time I meant it for more than just the training advice.
As I walked back to my quarters, my hand on my weapon, my mind working on how to practice dimming and brightening the animal connections tonight, I felt something I hadn't felt in weeks.
Hope.
Maybe I could do this. Maybe I could manage my abilities, survive the bonding, and become the rider and shaman everyone needed me to be.