Chapter 37 Kailin
KAILIN
"A gift unused is a gift wasted. Elu does not bestow power upon the timid, and he does not forgive those who squander what they've been given."
—Shaman Erasme Kaine
Five days until the Day of Volition.
Five days until I would stand before a dragon and offer myself for bonding.
Five days until everything changed.
I glanced at the calendar that Morek had hung on the wall of our common room, and he had put a big red X on what was probably the most important day of our lives.
A lot could happen between now and then, though, and I was flying blind.
Ravel's investigation into the summer camps had revealed a network of converts spanning almost two decades. Twelve were in custody, but how many more were out there? How many were waiting for an opportunity to strike again?
The bruises on my neck had faded to a sickly yellow green. In a few days, they'd be gone entirely, but the memory of those hands squeezing and no air coming into my lungs would take longer to dissipate, if ever.
I touched my throat, feeling the tender skin.
"Stop doing that," Shovia said.
I turned to look at her. "They are looking better."
She winced. "Yeah, but all that touching is not going to speed up the healing."
"No, I guess not." I sighed. "I'm tired of waiting for things to get better.
For the bruises to fade, for my weight to return to what it was before Podana, and to begin drinking the damn tea again so I can stop stressing about all the things that might be happening while I'm not looking through the eyes of my little friends. "
Shovia's expression hardened. "Don't even think about that."
I glanced at the others, but no one seemed to have heard my exchange with Shovia.
Morek was in the kitchen, trying to make something with the leftovers from yesterday, Codric was sprawled in an armchair, eyes closed, either napping or pretending to, and Alar sat at the dining table, surrounded by navigation charts.
"I am thinking about it."
Shovia glared at me. "It nearly killed you."
"I'm still here, despite another assassination attack that I might have seen coming if I had been drinking the tea."
She didn't have a good response to that, so she clamped her mouth shut.
Alar looked up from his charts. "We need to talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about. I've made up my mind. I'm going back to drinking it, starting tonight."
His eyes blazed, but he tried to keep his voice down. "You can't do this without consulting the medics. They gave you clear instructions to stay off the stuff until after the bonding."
I was getting ready to answer when there was a knock at the door.
Morek emerged from the kitchen. "I'll get it."
He checked through the peephole, a habit we'd all developed since the attack, and then opened the door to reveal Saphir, with Moki perched on his shoulder as always.
"Good evening," the shaman said, stepping inside. His ancient eyes swept the room, taking in everything. "I'm happy to see that you are all keeping up with your studies."
"We are doing our best," Codric said, suddenly awake and sitting up straight. "But Morek applies himself more to learning to cook than going over the materials before the finals."
"I know how to cook," Morek grumbled. "I'm just getting better at it."
Saphir smiled, but his attention had already shifted to me. "Kailin. You look troubled."
"I decided to resume drinking the tea," I said before I could lose my nerve. "Starting tonight."
Saphir's smile faded, and Moki chirped while wagging his arm at me, which I took to mean that he was as unhappy about it as Saphir was.
"I strongly advise against it," the shaman said. "You haven't recovered from the last session, and you haven't been cleared by Chief Medic Thoran."
He hadn't said that he forbade it, just that he advised against it, so I took it to mean that he was ready to hear my arguments. I had room to wiggle.
"I'm fine," I said.
"You're better, but that's not fine." He leaned forward. "You can wait five more days."
"A lot can happen in five days, and the stress is just as bad for my health as having the dreams. The difference is that my stress doesn't contribute anything to Elucia, while my dreams can save lives.
A network has been growing for almost twenty years right under everyone's noses, and we don't know how many converts are out there or what they are planning. "
Saphir was quiet for a long moment. Moki's large eyes blinked at me, seeming to reflect my own anxiety back at me.
"Kailin." Alar pushed to his feet and walked to stand behind me, his hand on my shoulder. "It's not likely that anything will happen in the next five days, and once you are bonded to a dragon, you will have a lot of energy to draw on. Please. Think about this."
"I've been thinking about nothing else for weeks. I can't take the stress anymore."
"You nearly died three days ago," he insisted. "A man had his hands around your throat, trying to choke the life out of you. You need time to heal."
I reached up to cover his hand with mine. "I was given this gift for a reason, Alar. If I don't use it, what's the point of being gifted?"
"The point is staying alive long enough to use it when it matters."
"It matters now." I turned to face him, taking his hands in mine. "Even if the tea depletes me again, the bond will help me recover faster. Think with your mind rather than your heart. If I were a stranger and you were weighing risks versus benefits, what would you recommend?"
I saw the answer in his eyes, but he was still not willing to admit it and shook his head. "But you are not a stranger, and I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid you will have a dream that will suck the life out of you again. In five days, you will become immortal. I'd rather you wait."
"About that," Saphir said. "It doesn't happen overnight. The body changes for several months, growing progressively more resilient. The bond, however, provides the rider with added strength as soon as it is formed."
I hadn't known that. Dylon had never mentioned that the process of turning immortal took time.
Perhaps he didn't want our parents to worry, or maybe it was a secret that riders weren't supposed to share with anyone outside the Dragon Force.
Still, it wasn't enough to change my mind about resuming drinking the tea.
"Do I need your permission?" I asked the shaman. "Or is it up to me how far I'm willing to push my body?"
Saphir regarded me with his ancient eyes. "I can forbid it, but I won't. Still, if you're determined to do this, we should at least minimize the risks."
"What do you suggest?"
"A lower dose. Half of what you were taking before. And not every night—every other night, to give your body time to recover between sessions."
"If I don't have prophetic dreams, I don't get exhausted. I can drink the full dose every night."
"It's a compromise, Kailin." Saphir smiled. "Work with me."
Said like that, he'd left me no choice. I had to agree or antagonize our spiritual leader, and the only person who could guide me on my shamanic journey. Besides, I needed a new supply of tea, and if I wanted to get it, I had to compromise.
"Fine," I said. "Half a dose every other day."
Saphir reached into his robes and produced a small pouch. "I had a feeling you'd want to do this."
Sneaky shaman. Somehow, he had known before coming here today that I would need more tea, and yet he had done everything he could to convince me not to do it.
"Thank you." I reached for the bag, but he wasn't ready to hand it over yet.
"If you feel yourself slipping too deep, pull back. Your life is more important than any intelligence you might gather."
"I understand."
He dropped the bag into my outstretched hand and rose. "I'll check on you tomorrow."
After he left, the apartment felt smaller somehow, the tension thick and uncomfortable.
Alar hadn't moved. He stood where I'd left him, his intense blue eyes fixed on me, and said nothing, which was worse than if he was yelling.
"I'm sorry," I said softly. "I know you don't want me to do this. But I have to."
"What I want is for you to be safe. That's all I've ever wanted." He closed the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. I went willingly, pressing my face against his chest, breathing in his familiar scent.
"Promise me that if it gets to be too much, if you feel yourself fading like you did after Podana, you'll stop."
"I promise."
His arms tightened around me. "I'm going to hold you to that."
Later, when the others retired to their room, I brewed the tea in the kitchen with Alar looming over me like it might jump from the cup and attack me.
"At least now I have a kitchen to prepare it in," I said to lighten the mood. "I wonder if it tastes any better when it's hot."
I took an experimental sip and grimaced. The tea tasted exactly as I remembered. It was bitter and earthy, with barely-there floral undertones.
Alar took a container of honey out of the cold closet. "Try sweetening it with this."
I shook my head. "I'm afraid to alter it in any way."
Nodding, he returned the container to the cold closet.
I took the tea to our bedroom and put it on the nightstand to cool while we went through our nighttime routine.
When I returned from the bathroom, I found Alar sitting on an armchair he'd dragged in from the common room.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Keeping watch."
"You can do it right here with me." I sat on the bed and patted the spot next to me. "Come on. It makes no sense for you to sit in a chair."
"I don't want to fall asleep. I had no idea what you were going through the night of the Podana attack. Shovia came into our room and told me to get dressed."
I shook my head. "There isn't much you can do for me if I'm dreaming because you can't get into my head and see what I'm dreaming about. You need to sleep. You have flight training tomorrow."
"I'm staying right here."