Chapter 41 Alar
ALAR
"A warrior's greatest battle is rarely fought on the field. It is fought against doubt, against fear, and against the pull of divided loyalties."
—General Harven Blackrock, Reflections on Command
The examination hall was a large room that easily contained thirty-six desks arranged in neat rows, each one separated by enough space to prevent wandering eyes.
Not that it was supposed to be a problem in Elucia, where truth was the highest value, but it was better for concentration not to see how the other cadets were doing on their tests.
Some would be flying through the questions, while others would be struggling.
The tests were rumored to be brutal.
The windows had been covered with heavy drapes, blocking the distraction of the aurora and the mountain views, and artificial illumination was provided by the usual mixture of oil lamps and electrical lights.
I took my assigned seat in the third row, my name written on a card at the desk's corner. Kailin was two rows ahead and to my left, so I could see the back of her head, her blond hair pulled back in a practical braid.
She hadn't looked at me since we'd entered the hall.
My stomach twisted with guilt. We'd argued this morning, which was our first big fight since becoming a couple, more disturbing than the small spats we'd been having lately that had probably been caused by stress.
After I'd confronted her about the haunted look in her eyes, she'd told me that she'd had the nightmare about the Citadel falling again.
She'd refused to tell me any details, which only added to my anger over the fact that she hadn't woken me up as she'd promised and had no intentions of telling me about it at all until I pulled it out of her.
She'd lain awake all night, tormented by a terrible headache, while I had slept right next to her, unaware of her suffering.
"You promised," I'd said, my voice harder than I'd intended. "You said you'd wake me if you had a disturbing dream."
"It wasn't the kind of dream I needed help with. It was just a stupid nightmare, probably caused by stress. I didn't want to worry you."
"So instead, you suffered alone? That's not how this works, Kailin. We're supposed to be partners."
"You needed sleep."
"So did you, and you might have slept more than a couple of hours if you woke me up and let me soothe you back to sleep. I need you to trust me more than I need sleep!"
Her eyes blazed with ire. "And I need you to trust me when I tell you that you couldn't have helped. I'm not a child, Alar, and you are not my father."
She'd turned away, and I'd let her, too frustrated to bridge the gap. We'd walked to the examination hall in silence, the distance between us measured in more than footsteps.
Now, sitting at my desk with the thick questionnaire before me, I couldn't focus on anything except how badly I'd handled it.
The proctor was an instructor I didn't recognize.
He stood at the front of the hall and addressed us in a dry voice.
"You have three hours to complete this part of the examination.
Navigation, tactics, dragon physiology, and Elucian military history.
After that you will break for lunch and return here for the second part of the test. You may begin. "
Papers rustled as thirty-six cadets turned over their test booklets.
I stared at the first question. Something about wind current calculations and optimal flight paths. The numbers swam before my eyes, refusing to coalesce into meaning.
Focus. I had to focus.
I'd studied for this. Codric and I had drilled each other on navigation formulas until we could recite them in our sleep. I knew this material.
But my mind kept drifting to my father and whether he was really ill or trying to manipulate me into leaving the academy. My mother wanted to know when I would be coming home.
When. Not if. As if my return was inevitable, as if the Elucian pilgrimage had been nothing more than an extended vacation that would naturally conclude with me resuming my place in court.
What about the mission I was on? Had Father changed his mind about its importance? Had he ever believed in it or just pretended to humor me and my boyish fantasies? Had he hoped I would not be found gifted and sent packing?
Probably.
But I wasn't the same person who had left Catonia all those months ago. I was part of something much bigger now than the royal family of Catonia.
And in two days, I would bond with a dragon and start my journey toward immortality while my family back home remained human.
I was going to outlive them all, and the thought was staggering.
I'd known it intellectually, had understood the implications when I'd decided to pursue this, but now, with Father's illness making mortality suddenly very concrete, the reality hit differently.
If he died before I could see him again...
I forced my attention back to the test. Wind currents. Navigation. The question was asking about compensating for magnetic anomalies during mountain crossings.
I wrote an answer. It was probably correct. I couldn't be certain because half my brain was elsewhere, but I'd practiced calculating these formulas so many times that I could solve them without thinking.
The next question was about tactical formations for defending against ground-based attacks. The answer came more easily, my hand moving across the page almost automatically.
But between questions, my thoughts wandered again.
Kailin.
The haunted look in her eyes this morning. The way she'd flinched when I raised my voice and had stepped away from me. I never wanted to see her react to me like that again.
She was terrified, not of me, not of the exams, and not even of the bonding ceremony, but of something else. Something she'd seen in her nightmares.
And I'd made it worse by arguing with her.
She'd told me last night that being in love with a shaman in training required compromises, and I had understood that intellectually, but I hadn't internalized it.
I couldn't demand from her the same concessions I would expect from another partner.
She was carrying burdens I couldn't imagine.
Her prophetic visions were the shield of Elucia, or so she believed, and she shouldered the weight of a destiny she'd never asked for.
How could I have criticized her for not waking me up?
I should have held her, comforted her, and encouraged her. Instead, I'd let my own fear come out as anger, pushing her away when she needed me the most.
The tactical questions gave way to dragon physiology. Bone structure, wing mechanics, the telepathic bond between rider and dragon.
A dragon bond was permanent. Unbreakable as long as both lived. The rider and dragon became part of each other, sharing thoughts and emotions across any distance.
What would my dragon think when it looked inside my heart and found this mess of conflicting obligations?
The military history section was the easiest. Facts and dates, battles and treaties. Information that didn't require emotional processing, just recall.
I finished the examination with twenty minutes to spare. I checked my answers twice, not because I thought I had gotten any of them wrong, but because I needed something to do besides thinking.
When the proctor finally called time, thirty-six cadets put their pens down and exhaled collectively.
I glanced toward Kailin. She was staring straight ahead, her posture rigid. Even from behind, I could see that the tension had never left her shoulders.
We filed out of the examination hall in orderly rows, emerging into the corridor where the midday light streamed through windows. The mess hall was our next destination—the first meal we'd be sharing with the full cadet cohort since the attacks.
General Zorian had declared it safe.
The arrests and purges had cleaned out the known converts, and Saphir had personally screened every remaining resident of the Citadel, doing so in days rather than weeks. The threat wasn't eliminated, but it was contained enough that we could resume something resembling normal life.
I caught up to Kailin in the corridor, falling into step beside her.
"Kailin."
She didn't look at me. "What is it? Are you going to yell at me some more?"
I flinched. "No, and I'm sorry I lost it for a moment this morning. Can we please talk?"
A pause. Then she sighed and turned to me. "Fine. We can talk during lunch."
I reached for her hand, and she didn't pull away from me, which was such a tremendous relief that I felt weak in the knees.
The mess hall was loud with conversation when we entered.
Cadets clustered at tables, comparing answers, speculating about the afternoon tests and the evaluations tomorrow.
The smell of roasted meat and fresh bread filled the air, and my stomach reminded me that I'd barely eaten anything at breakfast because I'd been too anxious.
The quintet claimed our regular table in the corner. Codric slid into the seat on my right, leaving the spot on my left for Kailin. Our usual arrangement.
She sat down, her tray holding far less food than it should. Morek had twice as much on his, and Shovia was not far behind.
For a few minutes, we ate in silence, focusing on the food, which was far superior to the meals delivered to our apartment.
Morek shook his head. "How is it possible that the first-year's mess hall serves better food than the one in the officers' quarters?"
As he and Shovia started singing Darma's praises, I turned to Kailin.
"I'm sorry for getting angry when I should have been supportive.
I was making everything about me when I should have focused on you and how I could help you.
" I reached for her hand under the table.
"I knew that you were trying to protect me, and I still berated you for it because I was scared. That wasn't fair."
Her expression softened slightly. "I know that you want to take every burden from me and protect me from every danger.
But you need to accept that it's beyond the scope of what you can do, or what I can allow you to do.
" Her gaze dropped to her untouched food.
"I know it's not what you want to hear, but it's the truth, and we both know it. "
Her truths cut deep, but I bit my tongue not to say it to her again.
It was ironic how the tables had flipped between us. Not too long ago, Kailin had thought that she wasn't good enough for a prince. Now, I knew with painful certainty that I wasn't good enough for the Hero of Elucia and its future shaman.
"I'll try to do better." I said. "I never liked walking in the much larger shadows of my older brothers, but it seems to be my destiny to walk in yours."
She flinched. "Now it is your truth that cuts deep. I don't want you to walk in my shadow. I want you to walk beside me."