Chapter 18
18
The next morning
I was dreading today, but then I push open my office door. There should be three pairs of heels, one black, one nude and one red, tucked away in their corner, ready for days when I work out on my way in. But instead, they’re arranged in a perfect straight line on my desk, and each one is freshly polished. More than that, when I pick up the black stiletto at the end of the row, it’s ultra-soft and supple.
That fits with the distinct smell of Vaseline. It’s an old trick, smoothing petroleum jelly into the inside of the heel to stop boots rubbing. Bothering with that little detail would make this the most adorable apology I’ve ever received, even if I didn’t recognize the old cliché about how player x isn’t fit to clean player y’s boots. So, I can’t keep pretending I don’t owe Tony an apology of my own. Because he’s right, I am different when other people are around. But he’s miles off about why.
I stalk the first team, until there’s the perfect opportunity to catch Tony on his way out of the gym. I smile polite ‘hello’s and ‘how are you’s to players and staff thronging around in the corridor, but when I get to Tony, I give him a quick hug. Which isn’t remotely suggestive of fraternization, when in this game, we hug all the time, and high five and put an arm round each other’s shoulders. But I wouldn’t have done it yesterday. And I make sure it’s a really good hug, if a fleeting one. Plus, it’s just possible, on my way down, I might’ve briefly nuzzled his neck.
‘I wanted to thank you for doing the academy thing yesterday.’
Tony smiles, though it’s nowhere close to a back-to-before smile. ‘It was nothing.’ He draws me into one of the inexplicably frequent corners that break up the hallways, calling over to the coaching staff, ‘I’ll catch you up, OK? I need to get something sorted with Genie real quick.’
Once the rest of the players have moved on, Tony says, ‘What was that hug for?’
I settle back against the wall, painted a loyal, if depressing, grey. My hand grazes his. ‘Tony, about what I said to Chrissie. I’m sorry. I had the best of intentions, and I do still think you’d be better off opening up to her properly. But it’s not for me to tell you that.’
He shrugs. ‘If you’d just said it to me direct, I dunno as I could’ve objected.’
I frown and shake my head quickly. ‘No, you definitely could. It’s not an excuse, but I’m used to even our first-team players being so young, they don’t just need a bit of guidance, they want it. But you’re a proper professional. You know better than anyone what’s right for you. And you don’t need to hear my thoughts about it.’
‘I’m not sure as that’s true.’ His head is low and his voice sounds tired.
‘It is. And even if it wasn’t, I shouldn’t have said a word to Chrissie without checking with you. So, I’m sorry, and I promise, it won’t happen again.’
He looks up, enough to meet my eyes. ‘No, I’m the one who’s sorry. Like I’d prefer you’d not done it, but me kicking off like that was a complete over-reaction. And what I said, I didn’t mean it. You get that, don’t you?’
I think he did, in the heat of the moment. But I say, ‘No, I know.’
He drags a hand over his face. ‘The anger, it’s such a, like, an ugly thing. And I never used to get that way.’
I nod.
‘And now, when I do, I hate it. It’s like my dad’s in the room, you know?’
I put my arm around him, inviting him to lean his weight into me.
‘I’m just, like, so disappointed in myself. That I spoke to you that way.’
‘It’s sort of the same thing though, Tony. I’d rather you hadn’t, but there’s no harm done.’
He rests his head against mine and takes my hand loosely. ‘I dunno ’bout that. I’d never have laid a finger on you, but I’m a big guy. Me throwing my toys out of the pram like that, I get it can be scary.’
I squeeze his hand. ‘I’ve seen worse.’
‘That don’t make it OK.’
‘No, but this is a high-pressure industry, isn’t it? And the season’s getting to the point where things are starting to build. You’re not a robot. Sometimes things bubble over.’
He shakes his head, his stubble rubbing against my hair. ‘Yeah, only now you’re sounding like my mum, and not in a good way. Making excuses for me, when you should be telling me to get lost.’
I smile. ‘Well, as I remember it, I did.’
He makes the noise that’s sort of a sigh and sort of a sniff. The one that usually goes along with the first smile after a man’s been upset. ‘Yeah, you did, didn’t you? Quite forcefully, I must say.’
I tighten my fingers for a second, pushing into his. ‘Tony, it’s really fine, you’re not the first player to get frustrated with me.’
Tony turns me to face him. ‘That’s good to hear. But like I say, that’s not who I usually am.’
‘No, I know.’
His face changes, so his eyes are stern. ‘No, Genie, you don’t. So, now’s when you run a mile, OK? Cos I can hear myself saying the stuff blokes always say. How they’re sorry, how it won’t happen again, all that.’
I reach my free hand to his elbow. ‘Tony, you don’t have to take care of me. It’s my job to do that for you, remember?’
He grunts. ‘Yeah, only that’s sort of the problem, yeah?’
‘Is it?’
He turns his head away and there’s tension in his jaw, like he’s having to say something he’d rather not. ‘It’s a big part of why I lost it yesterday. Cos I get all the stuff you’ve done since I arrived, it’s been you doing your job, getting me settled. But you’re dead good at it. Like more than professional, real kind. And I’ve not seen a lot of that lately, so I like, latched on a bit strong. Let myself think it was more than it was.’
‘Kissing you doesn’t exactly fall within my job description.’ I’m trying to smile, to lighten this, but he looks back at me with earnest eyes.
‘Yeah, and maybe it’s not. But that don’t excuse nothing I said. If anything, it’s worse, cos you get to change your mind whenever. I don’t need no sexual harassment seminar to tell me losing my rag cos you don’t wanna sleep with me, it’s unacceptable.’
I resist asking exactly how many seminars he’s had to attend over his career, since we’re nowhere near the joking stage. And anyway, I’m only tempted because this next bit isn’t easy to say. ‘Tony, I’m glad you know that. But I can’t pretend I didn’t give you mixed signals. And there are lots of reasons, but it comes down to having issues of my own.’
He interrupts. ‘Yeah, but I’ve known that from the start. Cos if you didn’t, a woman like you wouldn’t be single. And how you are, there’d be kids for sure. But I don’t have a clue what the issues are, so I can’t do nothing about ’em.’
It’s like he’s pressed on a bruise, especially about the children. But I’m not going to go into all that with Tony, because really, what’s the point? I make a movement with my shoulders. It’s meant to be a shrug, but turns into more of a sad little shuffle. ‘They’re not your problems to do anything about.’
‘What if them being our problems meant me and you had a chance of going somewhere?’
There’s a spark of what I’ve got a nasty feeling is hope. But I know, after talking to LeMar, that’s got to be stamped out. ‘I think the last thing you need is someone else’s problems right now.’
‘Cos I’m fucked up enough on my own?’ he asks, more sad than angry.
I do the thing that’s basically an upside-down smile. ‘Honestly? Yes.’
He nods, and I think he’s on the verge of walking away, so I reach for his wrist. ‘Look, Tony, what you said about not being an angry person, I know that’s true.’
‘How can you know that?’
‘Because of how you play. You know how some players are incandescent with rage? Like when they score, they want to burn the stadium down, they’re so angry.’
Tony half smiles. ‘Yeah, I can think of a few like that.’
‘Well, I’ve always loved that too. The passion of it. But how you play when you’re at your best is something different, something really special. Like you’re so good, you’re not even trying. It’s the same as Roudie when he’s chasing a Labrador and realizes he can catch it without getting out of second gear. It’s…’ I search for the right word. ‘Joyful.’
He smiles properly. ‘That’s a real nice thing to say.’
‘Umm, but it’s not true at the moment, is it?’
His brows come together and there’s the start of him being offended again.
I make my voice gentle. ‘I mean, you’re playing well, really well, but it’s not effortless yet. But it will be soon. Just like if the anger isn’t something you had before, it’ll go. Only I think you’ve maybe got some stuff that needs to heal first.’
He swallows hard. ‘Yeah, you might be right ’bout that.’
I slide my hand down from his wrist until our fingers are intertwined. ‘So, I think it makes sense for us to be just friends, at least for now. Don’t you?’
He nods. ‘I’ll take mates over how we was last night anyhow.’
I make my smile business-like, even though that’s not how I feel. ‘And Tony, what I was saying, about how the pressure’s starting to build, I do think that fed into last night. So, how about after training, you come and find me and we go through your diary? Work out where we can trim things back?’
He nods. ‘I’d appreciate that, thanks, love.’ He looks down at his hand in mine. ‘But, Genie, only if you’re sure. Cos after yesterday, if you wants me to stop bothering you, I’ll understand.’
I wrap my fingers a little tighter. ‘There’s nothing I’d like less than you stopping bothering me.’