Chapter 32
32
Skylar interrupting my quiet Sunday isn’t unexpected. She got subbed off twenty minutes into yesterday’s game. As usual, she took it as a personal insult and since her housemates are better at ‘let’s go have fun’ than ‘I’m sorry you’re sad’, she’ll be looking for sympathy, and knowing Sky, food.
After my specialty, pasta and random vegetables that happen to be in the fridge, we retreat to the sitting room. An hour later, Sky’s still immobile on the sofa. There’s a distinct resemblance to a wolf that’s eaten so much elk, it can only lie upside down digesting. So, I’m not surprised she’s unenthused about taking Roudie out.
‘Don’t you do the guilt walk earlier?’ she asks, wiggling her shoulders deeper into the cushions.
It’s true. Normally, when the first team play away, I try to make amends for all the weekends I work by taking Roudie for an extra-long morning walk. But that means having to do a post-match stroll around the village in the evening. Lately, I’m not keen on being out by myself after dark. It’s silly. I didn’t used to worry, Halsbury has to be the safest village in England. All the stuff at work must’ve got inside my head. Since Tony took my laptop I’ve been using a new one and the mistakes have stopped, but still, it’s hard to let go of the fear someone’s spying.
Or it might be I’ve got spoilt. Spending every evening last week at the lodge meant Tony walking me and Roudie home. But yesterday, Tony was travelling for today’s game and stepping out into the dark without his arm around me, there was a tightness in my chest that never used to be there. And we’d barely been out five minutes when a cat slinking out of the shadows was enough to get me dragging Roudie home.
I’m not admitting any of that to Skylar, who’s the definition of fearless. So, instead of explaining an afternoon walk means I can justify letting Roudie out in the garden last thing, I shrug and try to sound nonchalant. ‘Oh, we just fancied a lazy morning.’
She does drag herself off the sofa, but there’s a fair amount of semi-audible muttering about how a lazy afternoon sounds better. Opening the door, I can see her point. After the warmth of the log burner, the cold is bitter. But Roudie pulls me through the porch, dying to find out which animals have been where. And once I’m out, it’s worth it for the unbroken bird’s-egg-blue sky.
Trying to stop Roudie wrenching his lead out of my hands, I fiddle with the key in the lock.
‘Is that Tony’s request?’ says Skylar.
‘No. What makes you ask that?’ I ask, meaning more, why are you asking like you disapprove?
Sky shrugs. ‘Just you never used to bother.’
I say something vague about being more security aware, and let Roudie tow me down the path. I stop at the garden gate, peering out. Hopefully, Sky will think I’m checking for traffic. Which I am, but I’m also seeing if there’s a car in the gateway, half-hidden from the cottage by a bend in the road. And there is, the same one that was there yesterday, a red Ford Fiesta. Logically, I know it’s probably nothing. Someone visiting family, or something like that. But why park here, right on the edge of the village?
Obviously, the sensible thing is to walk past it to prove there’s no one lurking inside. Only, I don’t want to, not even with Skylar next to me. So, we start off in the opposite direction. It’s not as much of a cop-out as it sounds. The loop we’re doing takes us back past the car. Unless it’s gone. Because it might have, mightn’t it?
Sky’s quiet, hands deep in her pockets, eyes fixed on the floor. She’s not a player who wants to compulsively discuss a bad game, picking apart each error. I focus on Roudie instead, running with his nose low on the chocolate-brown plough furrow, tracking long-gone hares.
It’s not until we’re almost at the top of the hill, looking down at the village, that Sky asks, ‘So, you and Tony, is that a thing now?’
She sounds angry. I don’t understand why.
‘Sort of.’
She raises her eyebrows, mouth a flat line. Maybe she’s upset I didn’t tell her?
‘It’s early days. We’re trying to keep it low key, take things slowly.’
Skylar laughs, harsh and snorty. ‘That doesn’t sound like Tony.’
I’m not sure if she’s out to hurt, just because misery likes company, or if there’s more to it. I try to stop my voice getting defensive. ‘Well, he’s been doing quite a few things differently, ever since he got here.’
She shrugs. ‘So the papers say.’
Obviously, I see the implication, that Tony’s good behaviour is all an act. It could be sour grapes. Tony’s been playing like a man possessed and Sky’s as competitive as they come. Everyone going on about how great he’s doing must be salt in the wound when she’s off form. But it catches like a stone in my shoe. Because there’s already a little mental blister that’s been brewing since last week’s date. Only Sky doesn’t know about that. I should ignore her. Concentrate instead on how nice it’s been, coming home to Tony every night. Almost like we’re a real couple.
Re-running cuddling on the sofa gets me happily over the brow of the hill. There’s a little crack in the general rosiness when I pick out the red car. At this distance, it’s toy-like. But it hasn’t moved from the gateway. I make myself remember dancing in the kitchen. That could easily get me all the way home, and yes, I’m aware how nauseating that sounds. Only Skylar spoils it.
‘So, how’s the sex?’
Usually, I wouldn’t mind her asking. But even if she hadn’t made it sound like a challenge, I wouldn’t want to talk about it. Not because she’d spread gossip at the club. She’s the opposite of a tale-teller, plus there’s a certain central defender who’s no stranger to Sky’s bed. And not because I think Tony would object.
He’s told me there are things in his past he regrets. Mainly from when he was younger. Times when he thought something was casual but the woman involved wasn’t on the same page. But he’s not ashamed of the tabloid stories, or the more salacious rumours that go round the circuit, about his particular tastes. The reverse, if anything. It’s something I like about him, part of his general swagger, which makes me feel free when I’m with him. So, if we were having fantastic, chandelier-swinging sex, he’d definitely be OK with me sharing the details with Sky. The problem is we’re not.
I must’ve thought too long. Sky pulls a sympathetic face, though her voice doesn’t match. ‘Oh dear. Not as good as you’d hoped?’
I look away quickly, so she won’t see me biting my lip. ‘We haven’t. Yet, anyway. Like I said, we’re not in any rush.’
Or I think that’s what I said. The last bit might have come out a bit jumbled. Skylar stops walking and tries to look at me properly. Luckily, Roudie chooses that moment to check in, making sure he isn’t lost before racing off again. I bend over, fussing his ears. As I straighten, I rub my forearm quickly over my eyes. It can’t have been as discreet as I’d hoped, because Skylar reaches a hand for my shoulder.
‘Oh. Genie, I’m sorry. You know I’m just being mean, don’t you?’
‘Because you hate everything and everyone. I know.’
Smiling was a mistake. It’s pushed tears forward, so I’m not actually crying but my eyes are watery.
Skylar’s face becomes earnest, which is rare enough that it makes me feel worse. ‘You should take it as a compliment. Tony’s so into you, it’s hardly surprising, him choking the first couple of times.’
‘No. It’s not that. I think…’ I take a gulp of breath. ‘I think he doesn’t want to.’
It’s almost a relief, saying what’s been at the back of my mind ever since we got home from the sea.
Skylar laughs, pushing her shoulder into mine. ‘Don’t be stupid. All he’s done since he got here is go on about how much he wants to. It’s completely normal, Genie, honestly. You’ve just forgotten because it’s been a while. All you have to do is tell him he’s amazing. You’re already the world expert on boosting Tony’s ego, it’ll be the easiest shift you’ve ever put in.’
‘Only it’s not that we start and it doesn’t, you know, progress.’ I focus on a row of poplars three fields over. ‘It’s that he never tries to initiate anything.’
‘Hang on. I’ve seen him try and initiate, as you put it– which I can’t imagine gets Tony all hot under the collar, by the way– in the office. Are you sure you’re not missing the signals?’
I swallow hard. ‘I might’ve been, when it seemed like he was just looking for a one-time thing. But since things have got more serious, he’s different when it’s just us. Like he wants to cuddle, and he’ll kiss me. Really kiss me. But any time there’s a chance of it being more than that, he stops.’
I know what you’re thinking, Tony’s trying to stick to taking things slowly. Only you’re wrong. Take the date. On the beach, that was an ‘I want to rip your clothes off’ kiss, for sure. I’ll accept there are logistical issues with that on a public beach in October. But when we got home, Tony walked me to the door, kissed my cheek and left. And yes, I get sex on the first date doesn’t fit with taking our time. Except you can’t tell me there’s no middle ground between lifting me up on the kitchen cabinets and a kiss that’d work for a grandparent. Just like there’s no point pretending a man who’s dying to go to bed would be happy walking me home night after night, then giving me exactly the same sort of kiss.
I call Roudie back before the road and Skylar waits until I’ve got the lead wrapped round my wrist before she scrunches up her nose.
‘He must’ve gone mushy. Sorry, Genie. What a downer.’
I look at her blankly.
‘You know. He’s caught feels. And now he’s scared to touch his precious one.’
I hadn’t considered that. Skylar doesn’t give me much time to think about it before she’s back to commiserating. ‘I know, it’s the worst. But you can usually get them over it. You just need to tell him, you’re good to go.’
‘That’s not going to happen.’ I don’t say because I don’t want to ask and hear no, but I think it’s implied.
‘Then try being super-enthusiastic, any time he comes near you. He should get the message.’
‘If I get any more enthusiastic, he’ll think I’m auditioning for porn.’
‘Based on past girlfriends, I doubt he’d have a problem with it.’ Then her voice is back to serious. ‘But Genie, I’d tread carefully. I mean, I know he’s been fine, since he got here. But last season, if half of what’s said is true, he’d not got the best handle on himself. If Tony thinks you’re the love of his life, and you don’t feel the same, it might go off the rails, big time.’
‘I can’t see that happening.’
A tractor drives by, forcing us into single file. When it’s quiet enough to talk again, Skylar asks, ‘You mean you don’t think he’ll kick off, right, Genie?’
‘Umm.’
‘Not that you’re making wedding mood boards, or anything like that?’
She sounds so disgusted, I almost laugh. ‘No, of course I’m not. But I do like him.’
Skylar turns on her heel and faces me. ‘How much?’
I shut my eyes. There’s an image of Sanchez’s wife and son outside our office. I’d dragged myself out to admire him with everyone else, just as the first team emerged from a tactics session. The minute he saw the baby, Tony was right beside me. He didn’t say anything, but his body became a shield, hiding his hand caressing my back. Playing down how I feel, it’s not going to work. ‘Honestly? I think I love him.’
‘Oh.’ She looks appalled, which I hope says more about her than Tony. ‘You don’t sound exactly happy about it.’
‘Would you be, after what I’ve just told you?’
Skylar shakes her head. ‘But that’s easy. If you’ve both gone all lovey-dovey, you can skip the fun part and go straight to boring relationship sex.’
‘Except I think you’re wrong, about Tony feeling that way.’
We start walking again, as Sky says, ‘I don’t see why else he’d be like that.’
I take what my yoga instructor would call a deep cleansing breath. ‘I think I’ve become the green juice girlfriend.’
In my mind, that makes perfect sense. But I’ve been thinking about it solidly, ever since Tony got on the team bus yesterday. It’s not unreasonable that Skylar’s response is, ‘What?’
I force a wry smile. ‘You know, the one you should want, because it’s good for you. But when it comes down to it, you’d far rather have a cocktail.’
Sky narrows her eyes. ‘You think you’re part of his training strategy?’
I give a small sad nod. ‘Not consciously. But yes, I think that’s what it comes down to.’ I bend over and stroke Roudie, who looks up at me like I’m insane, since he’s not one of life’s therapy dogs. ‘When Tony first started taking an interest, I told Chrissie I thought he was more looking for support than anything else. But I didn’t want to believe it, so I let him persuade me he was genuinely keen. How he is now, I think I was right.’
Because it’s not just that he doesn’t seem to want sex. It’s that he wants everything else so much. Even the snuggly, cuddly evenings we’ve spent together fit. Tony’s let slip that physical affection wasn’t a big feature of his childhood. So, I can see how our Friday night could have been filling a void, with Tony absent-mindedly stroking my hair as he runs through pre-match analytics. But I bet he never watched an analytics package when Angharad was available.
Sky laughs. ‘Sorry, Genie, but you’re crazy. Only I suppose you don’t get to see Tony watching you any time you walk out of a room. He genuinely looks like he’s soaking up Beyoncé carrying the Ballon d’Or.’
As we follow the dense hawthorn hedge round to the cottage, I’m so busy hoping she’s right, I almost forget to check out the red car. And then I wish I hadn’t, because glancing back, I’m sure I see something move. But, by the time I turn round properly, there’s nothing there except a newish, cleanish, empty red hatchback.