Chapter 40
40
Roudie’s such a good boy, he must be starving but he waits until almost eleven to wake me. It’s quite an effort, opening my eyes. When I do, there’s a bottle of water and an upturned bowl beside the bed. Next to them is a note scribbled on the back of one of my unopened letters:
Hello beauty,
Hope you had a good sleep. Ibuprofen is under the bowl, coz I didn’t want the dog getting into it.
Xxx
I swallow the pills and stagger down to let Roudie out into the garden. His walk will have to wait until I feel more human. As I inch towards the kitchen, I’m so intent on coffee, I almost miss the envelope and slim purple box on the doormat. Reaching for them, my head’s pounding. But I’m glad I did. ‘Genie’ is carefully printed on the envelope and underneath, there’s a scrawled:
The box is your pretty expensive thing. Please accept it. It’s to say you’ll always be my lioness even if I’m not your lion. There’re no strings attached, promise. You don’t even have to open the envelope if you don’t want to, but if you could see your way to reading what’s inside, I’d appreciate it.
Standing’s getting tiring, so I slip down onto the cool tiles to rip open the envelope. Inside, there’s a note. The cream paper is thick, with a watermark. I can’t imagine Tony writes many letters, so I guess he bought it specially. That fits with the painstakingly neat handwriting, and even a quick glance is enough to see it doesn’t have Tony’s usual free-wheeling approach to grammar. So, I’m betting this isn’t a first attempt, and that at some point, there was a typed, spell-checked version. He must have been up half the night writing it.
Dear Genie,
This isn’t anything I haven’t tried to say to you, but when we talk, it never comes out how I want. I thought if I got it down in black and white, that might help. The last few weeks, I’ve tried like a hundred different versions and none of them are right, but maybe this one kind of gets over what I feel about you.
For starters, I need you to know I only ever walked away because I thought you couldn’t trust me. If that’s true, you need to give up being miserable over me, and find someone who’ll make you happy. Not just for you, for me too. I’ve been trying real hard to keep it together, because I knew you’d got hold of some stupid idea I was only after you to help with the professional stuff. But even if I look OK on the outside, I miss you so bad, seeing you, it hurts. So, if you can’t believe me, you’ve got to find someone who’ll have your back, and let me get out of here.
But before I let you go I need to be sure you still feel that way. Because you might not remember, but you said stuff last night that made me think you don’t. If that’s true, I can’t accept us not being together when we obviously should be. And if it’s not that you trust me yet, more that you’re starting to think you might’ve been wrong, I swear on you, on Rouden, on whatever you need, you’re all I want. There’s been no one else, and if you’ll have me, there never will be. Honestly, the last time I had sex was the first week I got here, when me and you hated each other. That was just a random hook-up, nothing more. And I’ve not even been messaging with anyone since, especially not my ex.
Anything else you’ve heard, or think you’ve seen, is bollocks. I’ll do whatever you want to prove it. But maybe you know already, because how you were yesterday, it made me think this is as simple for you as it is for me. We’re happy when we’re together and miserable when we’re not, and that should be all that matters. I know I can make it OK with the club for us to be a couple, and that’s what I want, to be with you in public, 100% committed.
If all that’s keeping you back from that is background noise about who I’ve been with in the past, we’ve got to find a way to put that to bed. And if you’re still thinking I don’t fancy you, I honestly can’t get my head round that, it’s so far from the truth. But I get this is scary for you, only I know how strong you are, even if you don’t. So, how about being brave like a lioness and at least trying to talk to me?
Yours, if you’ll have me,
Tony Garratt
It’s the full signature that means the most. Tony’s spent his whole adult life one hotel room away from a kiss and tell story. Putting his name like that, if it isn’t true, is a huge risk. And I do remember last night, or most of it, anyway. Enough that even before I read the letter, I was wondering if I hadn’t blown things out of proportion.
It was seeing the ring that did it. But I’m a grown-up. I know things don’t always end tidily. Even after it was over with Angharad, he might’ve been lonely enough, or nostalgic enough that, for a moment, a big gesture felt right. And if he’d been honest, and admitted there had been that little back slip, would I have wanted to hear it? Probably not.
And why swear it’s over with Angharad if it’s not? The little monster claws back into my head for a second, telling me why have one woman when you can have two? But that doesn’t make sense, not when he’s talking about making things official. The monster doesn’t have anything to say to that. So, that just leaves the night-time drives. And I’m starting to think they might have another explanation…
But before I get into that, I can’t resist any longer, and I reach for the box. Inside, hanging from a gold chain is the face of a lioness, complete with little emerald eyes. I stroke the charm between my thumb and forefinger. And Tony’s right, it is time to be brave.
I walk across to the sitting room, its floorboards cold on my feet, and peep through the curtains. But all ready to burst my bubble, the red car’s back.
I decide I’ve had enough. When I knock on the window, the man dozing on the front seat jumps, tipping up the peak of his baseball cap. I realize I recognize him, hold out a coffee cup and mouth hello.
He winds down the window.
‘It’s Darren, isn’t it? Mike from Security’s eldest?’
He must be at least nineteen, but he looks more like a fourteen-year-old caught smoking. ‘Miss Edwards, it’s not what it looks like, honest.’
I smile. ‘Actually, I think it probably is. Can I get in?’
He pushes open the passenger door, shoving aside takeaway wrappers.
‘I take it someone at the club requested this?’
He’s less panicked now, more embarrassed, based on how he can’t meet my eye. ‘Tony Garratt. He went to the manager, like early October.’ I think back, realizing that was right about when we found the spyware. ‘Said you were having some issues, like maybe a stalker, something like that. He was worried about you when he was playing away, what with you walking the dog by yourself, running on your own, all that. And he was wanting to sit a league cup game out, while he got something sorted. But you’re like a favourite with the manager…’
I shrug. ‘More a necessary cog in his beautiful machine I think, but anyway, go on.’
‘So, he went crazy to Dad about fixing you up with some security.’ Darren looks at me, his lips pulled back to show clenched teeth. ‘And Dad said you needed to know, so it wasn’t, like, creepy. But Mr Garratt was dead set against it. I don’t get why, honestly. But he said it was his problem, being worried, and he didn’t want you taking it as him saying you shouldn’t be out on your own. Does that make any sense?’
I can’t help smiling. ‘Yes, it does. Complete sense, actually.’ And the exact reverse of making controlling little suggestions. I know exactly what Gavin would’ve said, or my parents come to that. Why don’t I stick to the treadmill? Get a dog walker for Roudie? Whatever it takes to make sure I’m indoors after dark.
Darren takes a gulp of coffee. ‘It’s not like weird, though. Honest.’ He holds out his phone. ‘Mr Garratt was clear on that. All he wanted was a text in the evening, saying you were in for the night safe and sound. Not what you’d been up to, who you’d seen, nothing like that.’
‘No, of course not. And it’s only away matches that you’re here, isn’t it?’
Darren nods quickly. ‘Yeah, absolutely. Mr Garratt does a check-in with you, if he’s here, doesn’t he?’
So, the luxury car engine last thing at night isn’t Tony roaring back from seeing Angharad.
‘He does, yes.’
Darren looks at me through calf-like eyelashes. ‘You’re not mad, are you?’
‘No, I’m not. But you can head home. I’ll text Tony myself tonight, OK?’
Darren smiles. ‘I think he’d like that.’
I pick up the necklace, ready for the next step in being brave. That’s getting out my phone and pulling up WhatsApp:
Thank you for the letter and the necklace but I’m done talking. We’ve wasted so much time on it and it never changes anything between us. If you want me, come and get me.
11.47
Seriously? Coz I’m on the bus now, but I’ll hijack it if you mean it
11.48
I can wait till you’re done playing. Just.
11.49
Be there the second I get back
11.50