Rowan
We sink onto the floor and lie there while I catch my breath, our bodies pressed together. His weight is a greater security than it was ever meant to be. One person can’t make me feel this safe. When my heart slows down, my thoughts return…
And we’re together again. For now. But we’re still not partners like I want to be, and it’s an all-too-sobering thought.
And I know what will come next. He’ll cuddle me and whisper sweet things in my ear, things I’m not ready to hear. He’ll bring me snacks, help me in the shower, and hold me until I wake up for work. Those are the things I once requested, but I can’t bear the thought of accepting them anymore.
Because after that, he’ll be gone. Perhaps not the next morning, but the moment something goes wrong, he’ll run away.
And how much of that urge to be gone is the hex?
How much does he want to run away, as he did with everyone else?
More importantly, what does it mean that my insecurities are still so great that I’m doubting him?
As much as I want this to be our time, it still isn’t right. How could I let this happen? How could I still want him so much? He could tell me to spread my legs for him again, even now, and I would.
I push his chest, and he listens, standing up and pulling up his pants. I adjust my clothes. His cum oozes out of me the moment I stand, equal parts arousing and embarrassing.
Uncertainty flickers across his features as he peers down at me, his hands on my elbows. I can’t be mad at him for being unsure. I am too.
“You can go,” I whisper.
He takes a step back as if I’d slapped him. “What do you mean? Go where?”
My jaw clenches. “You’re still hexed, aren’t you?”
“Ro…”
That’s not a ‘no.’
“Whatever we are…” I clear my throat. “It’s not practical anymore. Not if you plan to keep running from me.”
“I don’t plan to run from you. I don’t want to. You know that.”
This isn’t the end, but I can’t deal with it right now. Not when he’s still so uncertain. Not when I am, too. And perhaps it isn’t Seth’s fault, but it hurts. To go so long wanting him, only for it to be ruined time and time again, now that I have him… hurts.
“Please. You got what you came for.”
I regret my words as soon as devastation takes over his features, his eyes big and desperate. “Come on. This isn’t what I came for. I had no idea this would happen.”
I know. Or at least, I want to believe it.
It’s wrong to blame him, but I can’t keep holding and trusting him until I can truly have him, and sometimes, I wonder if that day will ever come. It feels impossible now.
He steps closer, and I don’t move away, but neither of us moves to complete the touch—to hold hands, to hug. Perhaps our proximity isn’t safe now. It doesn’t feel safe for me. One more touch, and I’ll melt again. I’ll give him everything he wants, and I’ll be waiting again.
“I just wanted to see you,” he says earnestly. “I didn’t know it would end like this.”
“What is this ending?” I ask. “Is it one last time, or is it the start of us getting into the same routine? Because I can’t do that anymore. We need a different ending.”
“We’ll have one.”
“I know.” I smile sadly. “But not yet, right?”
“I don’t know what else to do.” Desperation drips from each word, and his lower lip wobbles. “I don’t know how to break this hex. Does that mean all there is to do is wait? How do I know when it’s gone?”
“How am I supposed to know? I wish I could help more, but I can’t.
” I run my fingers through my hair. “My magic… I love it. It’s my greatest passion, the real work of my soul, but it’s exhausting me as much as work is.
I’m taking a break from it all. From hexes.
From spells. From the stars. Everything. ”
This is the first time I’ve admitted the toll my magic takes on me.
I’ve spent my entire life studying astral magic, and though it doesn’t relate to my career in any way, it’s everything to me.
I study astrology from history books, learned ancient languages hardly anyone can speak, and made charms for Ozan’s shop.
And I adored it, but it drained me. I forgot about the me beneath the magic. And spells—whether simple ones for me or hex breakers for Seth—it all became impossible.
I’ll continue my magical studies someday. But not yet.
“I—good,” he says. “That’s good for you. I don’t expect you to help with the hex.”
“Then what do you expect from me?”
He’s quiet, staring at a wall. “To… wait for me, I guess, even though I hate asking for it. It’s the only thing we can do, right?”
Damn it all. He’s right, and it doesn’t even hurt to hear it. I press my cheek against his chest. He wraps both arms around me like it’s an instinct. Though my soul has never felt particularly romantic, I believe mine was meant for him.
“I’ll be waiting for you, too,” he whispers. “You’re the one for me, Ro.”
“And I’ve already been waiting for you for this long,” I utter. “A little more time can’t hurt.”
He makes a sound of objection. “It doesn’t sound good when you say it like that—”
“Shh. It’s all right. Our time will come.”
He never confirms what I know to be true—that we’re not ready for what comes next for us, that it isn’t our time yet.
Maybe we were functioning on borrowed time, fighting against a fate that wanted us to wait.
Instead of cutting down the last of my hopes, he holds me—for a few moments, long enough that I cry into his shirt and he rubs my back.
The tears are gone when he finally leaves, without saying another word.
Even so, I know it’s not the end.
My sisters have been walking on eggshells around me since Seth and I broke up.
Well, it’s not really a breakup. I don’t know what it is. But he’s not here, and I miss him. The only thing that comforts me now is knowing he misses me, too.
I’ve usually been good about keeping my affairs private, but it’s different with Seth. He’s so tangled up in our family. My sisters know him and love him, so, of course, they noticed something was off shortly after.
This one time, I couldn’t exactly avoid them knowing about it, but I do well at avoiding the topic.
I suppose it wasn’t hard, given that Seth stopped visiting. Even before we were together, he would visit Laurel, and now, with one notable exception, he’s gone.
Still, this is Starbrook. It’s difficult to stay away from each other entirely.
When I see him, I wave. I don’t smile. He does, and he waves back.
It’s about as close to cordial as I could hope to be, and I think I’m truly waiting this time, but it’s not always easy.
Sometimes, I’m waiting for him to come back to me.
Other days, my insecurities get the best of me, and I’m waiting for him to have someone else on his arm, for a sign that he’s moved on in ways I can’t.
If the situation were different, if it were anyone else, I would call it pathetic. But it’s Seth. He’s worth the wait.
So, yes, all of my sisters have been coddling me.
Except for one.
“It’s been almost two weeks,” Laurel says, coming around the bar and poking my side.
I pull my spiked lavender lemonade cider closer and take a long drink, wiggling in my seat. Cold drink season is my favorite season, and it’s not yet summer, but I’ll enjoy the slight warmth outside before the next downpour of rain.
Today, Laurel is the only thing that can get in the way of my enjoyment.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I say, sipping.
“Yes, you do.” Her expression softens, but her words so rarely do. Laurel isn’t cruel, but she speaks her mind. Rude. I suppose that’s how I would describe her, if pressed. “Look, I was totally for you two taking some time apart to clear up the hex, but this has been going on for too long.”
“Just a few weeks.”
“Way too long. I don’t know how either of you are this patient. Why don’t you just talk to him? You’re both upset, obviously. You care about each other.”
It’s clear she doesn’t understand the situation. Seth and I aren’t upset. We’re not the problem. It’s everything else that seems to get between us.
I scoff. “It doesn’t matter how much we care about each other. Our feelings for one another have nothing to do with… any of this.”
Laurel’s relationship was hard at the start, and it was perhaps even more difficult than what Seth and I are going through, but she can’t understand.
Nerissa picked Laurel over everything. Seth and I…
we’re in a waiting game, and I still don’t know if he’ll pick me in the end.
He has so many other options. Always has.
And it’s clear that I’m still not over those old insecurities, even though I want desperately to be.
“Are you talking about Seth?” someone asks, soft and timid.
I turn to face the intruder, my eyes narrowing in on… Farrah Poole. One of Seth’s friends and co-workers, and a friend of our family as well, I suppose. She works for Aspen, and she and Laurel have been spending more time together with the Starbrook coven.
Still, I don’t know if I can trust this witch.
“That’s none of your business,” I say curtly.
Laurel covers her mouth, and though I can’t hear it, I have a feeling she’s hiding a laugh.
Farrah’s face flushes. It’s hard to say if it’s from the drinks she’s consumed—I lost count—or me embarrassing her. That’s fine. She embarrassed me first. Aspen may be mad at me for being so blunt, but I’ll deal with that when it comes.
“I’m so sorry,” Farrah blurts. “It’s just—I understand. He totally broke my heart, too.” When I think she’s done, she mutters, “And I don’t even think he realizes it.”
As quickly as I turn away from Farrah, writing her off, she gains my attention again. My head snaps in her direction, and my heart races as if it means to take off and leave me behind.
Her name wasn’t on the list. Decidedly not. I have every name on that list memorized, and…
Farrah is a witch.
A love witch. Aspen’s protégé. Aspen, who made it clear she isn’t against love hexes.
“What… what do you mean?” I ask. “When was this?”
She lets out a long breath, the tendrils of brown hair around her face blowing about. “Months and months ago, don’t worry. I don’t think there was any overlap.”
“I’m not worried about that.”
Seth is a lot of things, but he’s not a liar or a cheater. He wouldn’t have gone behind my back.
Laurel leans in closer, her eyes swimming with curiosity. “He broke your heart, did he? Why didn’t I hear about that?”
“It’s kind of hard to talk about, I guess.” Farrah lifts a shoulder. “I’m still getting over it, honestly. So… I understand. He’s so cool and handsome, and I can’t believe he ever… well, I guess he didn’t. Didn’t like me, I mean.”
Laurel and I exchange a look.
Perhaps she’s who we’ve been looking for all along.
“Farrah…” I sway slowly, pushing my mostly empty glass away. “How much do you know about hexes?”