Chapter 17 #2
She sniffs her arm, which has the whole of my family sniffing themselves too. I roll my eyes and peek at Horatio who, despite everything, appears to be repressing the urge to laugh.
“I need a shower,” my mum declares. “The charades will have to wait until tomorrow.”
Tiggie and I sigh in relief together, as the older members of the family filter away, my aunt’s spells now complete and the smell a little dissipated (the full odour won’t be gone until tomorrow). However, Prim looks genuinely disappointed.
“I guess I’ll just go read my book in bed then,” she says, throwing another sideways glance at Norman who is typing away on his phone yet again.
“Nah,” Tiggie says, “let’s go get a nightcap. You won’t mind, will you, Norm?” she calls over to him.
“Wh-what?” he says.
Tiggie sticks her tongue out at him and grabs Prim’s hand, pulling her along behind her. “I assume you two love birds don’t want to join us,” she says over her shoulder.
But she’s gone before we can answer.
Norman looks up from his phone, realises he’s been left alone with just us and the dog and almost sprints away.
“Your cock ring has totally freaked the man out.”
“It’s not a ring, it’s a piercing,” he says with that poker face.
“Damn you,” I say, knocking my hand against his very solid right pec, “I don’t know whether to believe you or not.”
He captures my hand against his chest and pulls me towards him. “Where were we?” he murmurs.
“Goblin’s mouldy testicles,” I say, yanking myself free. “You smell disgusting.”
I gag into my fist.
Horatio glares down at McGruff. “Thanks pal. You’ve totally cock-blocked me. Can we get your aunt back out here to sort me out too?”
“No,” I say, “but you could go find some ketchup.”
He mutters something under his breath and stomps off. McGruff and I watch him go, then I tell my dog, “Sorry, buddy, but you’re sleeping out here tonight. You still smell pretty whiffy.”
McGruff grins at me like that was his plan all along and trots off into the darkness.
“And leave the squirrels alone,” I call after him.
* * *
When I return inside the hotel a few minutes later I find both my sisters and Horatio sitting at the bar, bottles floating through the air and mixing some kind of cocktail concoction in front of them.
“Phew,” I say, “how can you stand to be anywhere near him?”
“Prim sorted me out,” he explains, “no need for ketchup.”
“Thank goodness,” I say, “I thought you were going to have to sleep outside with the dog.”
“Nope,” he says, “but you may have to. You’re not smelling so great yourself, Sugar Booger.”
“Sugar Booger?” Tiggie repeats, looking repulsed.
“Don’t ask,” I say, taking a seat. “Prim, could you?”
“Sure,” she says, waving her hand through the air and removing any traces of fox poo smells from my clothing and my skin.
“Better?” I ask them all.
Horatio bends over me, sniffing the top of my head. “Much better,” he says, planting a kiss there and making both of my sisters swoon.
“So,” Tiggie says, as her completed cocktail finally lands down in front of her, “I still don’t understand how you two met?”
“Horatio told you, we’re neighbours,” I say, taking a sip of the cocktail that lands down in front of me too.
“But you’ve been neighbours for ages haven’t you?”
“Twenty-two months,” he says.
“I thought it was eighteen,” I say.
He shakes his head. “I remember the day I moved in clearly. It was a bright May day – first real clear day we’d had in months. The air was full of blossom and sunshine; I was carrying boxes up to my new flat because that bastard elevator wasn’t working–”
“Spoiler alert,” I interrupt, sipping on my straw, “it never works.”
“And this really cute girl, dressed like she was either coming from a funeral or going to a rock concert, comes crashing through the doors in a tornado of chaos, talking at me while her dog starts sexually harassing me.”
“It’s a thing he does to strangers to assert his dominance,” I explain, “he humps their legs.”
“That is,” Tiggie says, “really disturbing. So did you hit it off straight away?” She narrows her eyes. “Have you been secretly dating for nearly two years?”
I laugh. “No, he couldn’t stand me at first. I think I irritated the hell out of him – I probably still do.”
“That’s not true,” Horatio says, “I’ve always liked you. But at first I thought maybe I was a little old for you.”
“How old are you?” Prim says, narrowing her eyes in Horatio’s direction.
“Thirty-two,” I pipe up before Prim gets worried.
“Thirty-three on Wednesday,” Horatio adds. “Anyway, then I found out you weren’t actually twenty-one–”
“–she does dress kinda young,” Prim says, nodding.
“I do not!”
“And after that it just took me a while to find a way to ask you out,” Horatio says.
Which is not the cover story we agreed on or practised but I guess it’s late and we have both had a few drinks.
“So you were secretly in love with her all that time?” my older sister gushes, Tiggie swooning again beside her.
Horatio scratches the back of his neck. “I guess, yes, I was.”
“And were you secretly in love with him too?” Prim asks, leaning her elbow on the bar and resting her chin in her hand.
“I thought he was extremely good looking but just as grumpy. It’s only recently I’ve discovered how nice he really is,” I say, leaning forward to take another sip of my cocktail, unable to meet Horatio’s gaze.
“Awww,” Tiggie says, then jolts and starts scrabbling around in her handbag when something starts buzzing. She pulls it out, peeks at the screen and her whole face lights up. “It’s the vampire,” she says. “I’m going to take this up in my room.” She hops down from her stool and sprints away.
Prim downs her drink and peers with lacklustre towards the door. “I’d better get to bed too.”
“Really?” I say, suddenly a little nervous to be left alone with Mr Hottie. “Why don’t you have another one with us?”
“No, Norman wants us to get up early and go on a run.”
“You could give it a miss?”
She shakes her head. “Got to keep up the routine. No slacking.” She slumps off the stool and onto her feet, swaying dramatically and then swerving off towards the door. She’s clearly had more to drink than I realised.
“Do you want me to walk you to your room?” I offer.
“Noooo,” she says, before vanishing into thin air.
“Oh jeez,” I say, “I hope she ends up in her room and not someone else’s.”
I turn back to Horatio. He’s staring at me with that look – the one that has the butterflies prancing about.
“You think I’m nice?”
“It’s hardly the best compliment,” I point out.
“And extremely good looking.”
“I also said you were grumpy. And you said I was like a chaotic tornado dressed for a funeral.”
“It’s an accurate description,” he says with a smirk.
I elbow him. “So what do you feel like doing now?” He raises both his eyebrows. “Just because our chaperone has been relegated to sleeping outside doesn’t mean you should get any ideas. We’re friends now and there’s a boundary plus a contract.”
“That you said was worthless.”
“I was caught up in the moment and not thinking straight.” Which seems to happen an awful lot when I’m with him. “So, anyway, what should we do? We could keep drinking until we both pass out at the bar. Or we could watch a movie? Or I think there may be a games room?”
His face lights up and he jumps down from his stool. “A games room, huh?”
“I bet you’re really competitive,” he nods, “and a bad loser.”
“The worst,” he says.
“Good, so am I. Let’s find that room and do this!”