Chapter 23 #2
“When he told me about the baby, I promised him I believe in working through challenges, and I meant it. But he’s angry and distant all the time.
He blows up at his family and at me, and he’s crazy jealous but still ignores me.
I can’t talk to him about my own life, and I can’t count on him.
I don’t think the current circumstances are even the problem. ”
“Do you still love him?”
“Mom, I haven’t said this to anyone. Not even to myself.”
“Well, spit it out. No one can hear you in here.”
I laugh. “I think I love someone else, and I feel like the lowest scum-sucking bottom-feeder. How could I dump Nathan while he struggles and go straight into a relationship with someone he was already suspicious of? I’m not a cheater. Mom! What is wrong with me?”
“Honey, you realize that I’m probably not the best person to get relationship advice from, right?”
“That did cross my mind.” Lying on my back, I muffle my laughter with my arm across my face.
“Brat.” She snickers. “I did everything in my power to make your dad happy. If he respected me at all and put the well-being of our family first, then I’m sure we could’ve overcome obstacles together. But he didn’t.”
“He was the obstacle. I had to get away, Mom. I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. You were the catalyst. Nothing would’ve changed if you’d stayed.” She waits for me to think that over. “Did Nathan expect you to be his partner without being yours? Because that’s a position you don’t want. I promise.”
Bingo. Every interaction with Nathan was an obligation, an expectation that I’d back him up from the shadows, shrinking myself until I was completely invisible, but he still wasn’t happy.
Breaking free from Nathan should be easier than breaking free from Dad because I won’t have to do it alone. For the first time in weeks, I feel like the fog has lifted.
“Luce?”
“Yeah, Mom. I think you nailed it.”
“Awesome. Can we sleep now? Someone wanted gravy and biscuits in the morning.”
“I want it, but I’m not sure I can handle that meal before Sam’s gig.”
“Sam isn’t the guy though?” Mom says with slight concern.
“Abso-freaking-lutely not.”
“I didn’t think so.”
I’m not sure why I thought I’d sleep last night. The nonsense of the entire day played on repeat—the yelling, the brochure, the disgust, and the moment I officially kicked the squatter out of my life. No more overdrafts on my heart. Thanks to Jace for that concept. I get it now.
Nervous energy has already begun to pulsate through me. I like singing with Sam, but I prefer the other side of the stage, and I hate surprises. I want to be prepared. Obsessively so. It’s hard to believe no one knew about this gig.
I spent most of the night thinking about Jude and the tectonic shift between us.
I’ve felt it for a while, but he’s almost acknowledging it.
I think. I want to call Annie. She ribs me about how close we are, and I know she likes him because he’s our friend, but I still think she’s holding something back. I need to know what it is.
It’s six thirty Central Time, and I’m not sure if I can risk it yet. Oh well. I pull on some shorts and drag myself outside to the dilapidated deck in the slick morning dew, careful to avoid splinters while I look for a dry place to sit.
“Why are you awake?” she answers without any greeting.
“I need your help.”
“Have you been kidnapped? Tell me your current favorite female pop singer if you’re in danger.” She says.
“I don’t like any of them.”
“Phew. Glad you’re safe. Now why are you calling me at the butt-crack of dawn?”
“Because I know you have opinions about Nathan, beyond your preference for DC. You’ve been holding back. Let it rip, then I’ll tell you more.”
“Gettin’ coffee. Gimme the more part first.”
“I’ll throw you a bone, but I want your unfiltered opinion.”
“Gimme something,” she says between slurps.
“It’s over with Nathan. It’s been over.”
“Ya think?!”
“I could call Jace if I wanted commentary, you know. I called for the opinion of my therapist.”
“Oh. Ohhh. Wow, Lu Lu. Okay. Chuggin’ a Diet Coke while I make coffee. You’re lucky I wake up more alert than you do.”
“I know. I appreciate it.”
“Okay. Deep breath. I can do this.”
“Annie, it’s just me. Why is it hard?”
“You’re kinda intimidating, and I have to tell you hard stuff.”
“How am I intimidating? I’m a freaking mess.”
“Yes and no. That’s why it’s hard.”
“Just lay it on me. This is your moment. I promise I won’t get mad.”
“Are you sure?” she asks between slurps. “Because I’ve kept my mouth on lockdown and you still know what I think.”
“I promise.”
“Do you remember studying personality disorders? Cluster B, in particular.”
“I think so.” Okay, I didn’t see this coming.
“I got narcissistic vibes, and I thought you would’ve by now too. I think you missed it because of how you grew up.”
“Annie, where’d your accent go?”
“This is Future Licensed Professional Counselor Annie, but don’t change the subject or I’ll lose my nerve.”
I bust out a laugh despite the ninety-nine-miles-per-hour fastball she just threw at me. Recalling what I’ve studied about personality disorders—if I want to dispute her, my case is weak.
“Listen,” she continues, “I can’t diagnose him, but dude’s got more red flags than an amusement park, and you hate roller coasters. He makes fun of your interests and your clothes because he needs to lower your confidence, which is hit-and-miss already. People who love you don’t do that.”
“Ouch.”
“I’m sorry! You asked for it.”
I put my phone on speaker and rub my temples. “No, it’s fine. Keep going.”
“He has an inflated sense of importance, and I bet if you disagree with him, he says there’s something wrong with you.
He sets you up with loaded questions. There’s never a right answer.
He punishes you by withdrawing anytime you show interest in anything that isn’t him, and you minimize yourself to keep the peace.
He doesn’t like any of us because he wants you isolated.
I bet he makes you feel guilty for having friends, talent, goals, people who love you, and happiness, because for one thing, he’s jealous of you, and for another, he can’t control a confident Lucy.
He can control the girl who feels responsible to help him be better.
“The way he treats you has nothin’ to do with this whole Knocked Up for New Year’s B-movie he’s got going on.
I mean, it’s bad, but if he treated you the way DC does, I might be open-minded about the whole second chance, changing-his-life thing.
Gah! Please make me stop talking. I can’t believe I said all that out loud. You’re mad, aren’t you?”
“No. I needed to hear it.”
“You already know all of this. He’s never given you anything but ex-husband behavior. Give the ring back … oh, that’s right. You don’t have one.”
“Okay, rude. I get it. I’m dumb.”
“No. You’re not dumb. You might come off snarky and distant, but you care about helping people reach their potential. You’re loving and supportive even if your face says otherwise.”
“My face? What did my face do?” I ask, slightly offended.
“Your face says what your words don’t—frustration, disappointment, and hurt. Even if you could fix all his problems, which you can’t, you still don’t need his shi—crap. So go. No more shopping off the clearance rack for men. Throw the irregular one back and get the good stuff.”
“Geez, Annie. Where ya been with all this?”
“Well, I thought DC would get through to you, but his sense of responsibility is too much like yours, or maybe he wants you to choose him, ya know? That’s what I’d want.
He knows you care about him, but you haven’t chosen him.
He’s a rule-follower, Lu Lu. He’s the exact opposite of Nathan.
He’ll respect your boundaries even if it’s killing him. And it is.”
“If DC and I belong together, then why didn’t I know it right away? I’ve always felt close to him, and I think he feels it too, but there were no major fireworks between us. Maybe some little sparks. Sparklers.”
“That’s because he doesn’t disrupt your nervous system, dummy!” she whisper-yells. “What’s our favorite trope? Say it!”
I sigh. “Slow burn.”
“Slow burn, baby! Ugh, it blows my mind. You’re so smart, and yet …”
“Oblivious.”
“Uh-huh. What DID you feel for DC, from the beginning?”
“Comfortable? Safe. Kind of attached but nothing psycho.”
“Did that comfortable safe attachment increase or decrease the more you got to know him?” she pushes.
“Okay, okay. I hear you.” That pull between DC and I has definitely … intensified.
“Danny was overly cautious. I’ll give him that, but Nathan rushed to lock you down and never lived up to a single promise. That’s textbook love-bombing. Slow burn is superior. Always.”
She’s not telling me anything I don’t know, but she forces me to put the pieces together and look at the ugly picture it makes.
She submitted her essay with a title, complete outline, and supporting arguments for each point.
I can’t explain this away, and I have no more excuses for Nathan’s behavior.
Even worse, I have no excuses for mine.
“If DC has feelings for me …” My heart drops, because I know he does. “I’m the most self-centered, oblivious, heartless … what if I’m a narcissist?”
“Lu Lu, stop it. Narcissists don’t ask that question!
You are the one who needed it all spelled out, so I drew you a freakin’ map.
Like Jace would say, I used all sixty-four crayons just for you.
Stop trying to anticipate all the ways this could go wrong, Doctor Strange.
There’s one scenario that’s wrong in every universe, and you can stop that one.
You can’t avoid everything. You made the best out of hostile conditions for most of your life, but you don’t have to do that anymore.
“Even if Nathan took responsibility, he’s still borderline abusive, and you’re not in love with him. Either of those is reason enough. You don’t have to prove your reasons are valid. You’re done.
“Go lay a big wet one on Danny and stop overthinkin’ it. I’m sure he’s done enough of overthinkin’ for both of you. For once let yourself have something good without worrying about the consequences for everyone else. Some people deserve what they get.”
“Okay.”
“Really? You’re not mad?”
“I love you almost as much as Jace does, Anastasia Leigh.”
“Shut up.”