Chapter 24 #2
Today feels like I could be on the precipice of a core memory, but I don’t think we’ll get tattoos to commemorate it quite yet. Jace nailed it the other night when he said, “It might be amazing, or it might be awful. Probably some of both.”
Dear heavens, please, no one let him think he’s a prophet.
“Dang, Smalls! Whoa, you’re burnin’ me up! Get out here on the porch so we can take a picture!”
Sam spins me around and forces me to take pictures with him.
I imagine these incriminating photos will be sent in the group chat to prove that I’ve worn something besides black band T-shirts twice in the same week.
I give him a couple of good ones, then make faces in some and flash a peace sign at Jace in another.
Well, it’s half a peace sign. I can’t be perfect all the time.
Mom comes outside and poses us like we’re going to prom. She makes the other kids get in some shots too, so I behave for her.
Gray overcast skies make it feel cooler than it is, but Sam insists we won’t see anything more than a light mist in the direction we’re headed.
Layla and Liza bring me my backpack with my denim jacket, sport sandals, various girl stuff, and an emergency change of clothes for later. Jamie makes us promise to play basketball with him the next time we’re in town.
Once we’re in the car with the doors shut, Sam turns to face me.
“All right, passenger princess. Here’s your White Monster and a blueberry donut from Ralph’s.”
“Sammy! I can’t believe you did this. How did you know what flavor?”
His face drops into an annoyed glare, making my cute moose look like he was temporarily possessed by the grumpy Care Bear.
“I’m two seconds from throwing this brick out the window on the interstate,” he waves his phone at me. “Please tell me you broke up with that Nathan guy, because your actual husband is driving me freaking crazy.”
His sudden irritation catches me off guard. “What are you talking about?”
“Nonstop messages about how I’m supposed to treat you today. Just tell me you broke up. Please.”
“Yeah. It’s over.”
His face softens instantly. “Are you okay? You’re not sad?”
“I’m just relieved. I feel stupid for staying as long as I did … or at all. I just need to be sure he knows it’s over.”
“Why wouldn’t he?”
My eyes drop to my lap. “Because I’ve gone back before.”
“Ohh, Lu Lu. When did you break up?”
“Yesterday. I told him I was done and walked out.” I cannot tell him more than that. Not yet.
“Was it bad? I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“The fight helped me, honestly. Then you showed up and distracted me. I talked to DC a lot yesterday, so I’m good.”
He leans sideways to hug me the best he can in the car. “You should've told me this wasn’t a good time, Smalls.”
“I think if there was ever a good time to do something completely out of my comfort zone, it’s right now.”
“So Danny knows it’s over? He knows for sure?”
“I hope so. We talked for an hour twice yesterday, not counting when you called Aunt Judy.”
He reaches for me again, but I pat his arm and gesture for him to start driving. I’m ready to move on.
“I’ve tried to call Nathan all day. He won’t answer, so now I have to text.”
“He’s ignoring you?” He scrunches his face in confusion.
“Probably.”
“What if it was just an argument and you wanted to talk about it?”
“That’s not possible with him.” I shake my head. “He explodes, shuts me out, or both. I get all panicky, and then I don’t want to bring it up again when it’s over.”
“Why didn’t you just break up a long time ago?”
“I don’t know! Maybe because my dad did it my whole life. It’s not like I could break up with my dad, so I got used to it. If he was in a mood, I’d turn up the music and distract myself until things were better. I guess I did the same thing with Nathan.”
“That is all kinds of messed up! So if you don’t get through to Nathan, he’ll think you’re still together until he decides to speak to you?”
“Maybe. I said I was done, but he might say we had a fight and I ran off with you. Who knows? He’ll spin it whatever way makes me the bad guy.”
After talking it out with Mom and Annie, I can almost joke about it, but Sam’s jaw tightens and his eyes blaze. “Are you afraid of him?”
Such a care bear.
“No, not physically.” Mostly no is the truth, but I can’t let Sam hear that. “Mentally or socially maybe? Is that a thing? He knows my boss, and I don’t want people to think bad things about me. You know how this looks.”
“It looks like the jacket didn’t fit. That’s all.
And maybe we already know who’s good for you, but that doesn’t matter.
Text him now, Lu Lu. Use small words and be clear.
Then let me hear it, screenshot it, and block him.
I got you today. Ain’t nobody gonna say y’all were ‘on a break.’ He’s not gettin’ near you ever again. ”
I got you today. Stahhp it.
He’s young, loud, and impulsive, but once that prefrontal cortex grows in, he’s going to be some lucky girl’s Superman. I hope I’m around to see it, but if anyone hurts him, I will devote my life to her misery.
“I’m not worried. DC and I talked. Then I talked to my mom and Annie. I feel stupid for letting it continue for so long, but I’m fine. I haven’t felt anything but some weird responsibility for Nathan in a very long time.”
“You forgive mistakes and take care of people.” His voice rises. “That’s not stupid! I want you to be exactly who you are.”
Tears.
My big moose has tears in his eyes. I will not survive Sammy tears. He’ll wreck me.
“Sammy, I love you more than blueberry donuts, but if you cry, then I’ll cry, and we’ll sound like croaking frogs tonight.
Can we just turn on the music? I’ll text him.
I promise. But let’s focus on you. Your social media’s blowing up, and this is Nashville.
You never know who’ll see you, and I’m here to help, not bring you down. ”
“You never bring me down. Don’t talk that way. You always help me.”
Crap. Clouds spread over his usually sunshiny face, and it’s a punch in the gut.
“Pull over at that gas station coming up.”
“I’m fine,” he says stiffly.
“You’re absolutely perfect, but pull over anyway and you can help me.”
I let Sam come up with a clear and unmistakable breakup message. I censor the language for the sake of my own reputation, but I let him keep the song references.
I gotta laugh or I’ll cry. And at least for now, I’m done crying.
Me: Since you won’t answer your phone, I’m forced to confirm this breakup by text.
More than once, your behavior made me believe we were done.
But then you’d walk into Pop’s like nothing happened and I was afraid to bring it up.
That won’t happen again. We are never getting back together.
I want no contact from this moment on. It’s not me, it’s you. Good riddance.
Once that’s behind us, we block Nathan’s number, hug it out, and get Skittles.
Sam feeling his feelings is probably much healthier than my method of shutting mine up with loud music, caffeine, and sarcasm. I’m sure he’s got the right idea, but emotions make me sort of itchy sometimes. It’s overwhelming to see him upset over me, and I don’t know how to respond to that.
This world does not deserve Sam Haynes.
Once we’re back on the road, we sing through our playlist while Sam constantly tries to make changes, and I desperately try to hold him to the one we have. He’s already going to play everything in a higher key because he insists it performs better. At least let me hold on to what I know.
He has me send the pictures to the group from his phone, which I do without looking through them much, other than making sure the slightly offensive one goes only to Jace. That prompts him to call with tips and instructions as he drives to work. Obnoxious control freak.
“Don’t try to do too much, Cupcake. Give him space because he moves around more than I do. If you’re in doubt about lyrics or anything, fade back, but don’t stand there like a deer in headlights either. Enunciate clearly but no harsh Rs or Ts, and don’t rush the tempo.”
“Are you kidding me right now? I’ve had more training to sing than you’ve had to take X-rays. Besides, how can I rush the tempo when he’s leading? The tempo’s what he says it is. Bite me, douche waffle.”
“That’s right! I AM the tempo, douche waffle.” Sam holds his hand out for me to smack it, as Jace laughs. He’s just winding me up.
“I see you two are already firing on all cylinders. Get some video. I want to hear about it tomorrow, but let me sleep till noon.”
“Okay, Mr. Stark, 7 a.m., bright and early.” I make kissy noises at him. “Have a good night. We love you, Jacey. Go save lives.”
I lock Sam’s phone and see that he’s already made the picture of us with my siblings his lock screen.
Except for being over a foot taller than all of us, his light features make him fit right in.
I can’t help but laugh though, because it looks like Mom fed him more than the rest of us.
He’s got me tucked under one arm and Liza under the other, with Jamie and Layla around us, but Liza looks like she’s fused to his side.
“Aww, I think someone has a crush, Sammy.”
“I love you too, Smalls, but I don’t think older women are my thing.”
“Funny you should say that.”
He glances quickly, and his expression goes melty. “Cute little glow worm. We aren’t letting her date until she’s thirty, right?”
“Goodness. I pity the boy that hurts her. She reads murder mysteries. She probably knows a lot of ways to dispose of a body.”
“She won’t have to if I hear about it first.”
“Way to squeeze my heart there, Moose.”