Chapter 25 Olena
OLENA
I’m still shaking as I pull into the parking lot of my apartment complex. The events of last night run laps in my head and this morning’s humiliation colors everything that felt beautiful with a sickly hue of regret.
I can’t believe I thought I could be with him.
I’m in no state to be with anyone. No one should be saddled with the ugly emotional baggage that’s clearly still weighing me down, drowning me at every opportunity.
My trauma from the robbery is obviously not something I can escape with time and space—or even with the distraction of a gorgeous man who literally makes me see stars.
Oh, God, but it was so good. He was so good.
I lean my head back on the headrest and close my eyes at the memory of Jude’s deep voice against my skin, then his green eyes smiling up at me after my first brain-melting orgasm. A shiver passes over my body, just thinking of it.
I squeeze my eyes shut and a tear runs down my jaw.
I swipe at it with a finger. Everything’s ruined.
Now he’s not going to want anything to do with me.
I’ve shown him the truth: that I’m an unstable mess who collapses into a helpless, sobbing heap the moment any vaguely alarming misunderstanding crops up.
It was just his brother visiting. Sure, he was drunk and loud, but…
I flinch again at the memory of Miles pounding on the front door.
Oh, God. I behaved like such a chaotic, walking disaster. I’m sure I scared Jude off with my overreaction.
Some small, na?ve part of my brain remembers his words from last night: I’m done running. But no. That was before. Who wouldn’t want to run from a broken train wreck like me?
I pull out my phone and text Nat.
ME
Still up for our usual run? I’m home earlier than expected and need to blow off steam. Long story.
She writes back a minute later.
NAT
Oh no! Big hugs. Yes to the run. On my way asap.
I go upstairs to change. When Wyatt sees my face, he looks concerned. “You’re home early.”
“I’m… not ready to talk about it yet,” is all I can manage in a shaky voice.
I walk most of the way to my room, then stop and come back a few steps to where he’s sitting at the table.
“I’m going running with Nat. I need to… move my body.
” I blow out a breath, fighting off the tears that threaten to spill out, and he nods in understanding.
I know exercise, wretched as it may feel right now, will help me process my intense emotions. Wretched exercise, I think with resentment. The most wretched part is that it fucking works.
“Okay, sweetie.” He nods again. “I love you,” he calls out as I go into my room. “Whatever you need. Let’s talk when you’re ready.”
I change quickly and leave the apartment, avoiding Wyatt’s concerned glances on the way out. I’m already outside waiting for Nat when she pulls up.
Driving in silence to the river, Nat gives my knee a squeeze.
She can tell I need more time to feel my feelings before talking it out.
Unlike me with my usual anxious blathering, Nat has the ability to be patient in these situations.
As she parks her car beside Lyons Park, I push away the memory of running into Jude here.
That was before everything went to shit.
Before I ruined everything with my drama.
We get out and stretch. I try to breathe deeply and slowly to settle my nerves. Nat waits for me to talk and breaks off a piece of her granola bar to share with me. I accept the food gratefully; I haven’t eaten anything yet today.
Right. Jude brought me breakfast and then I just… Fuck.
I swallow the bite and take a deep breath. When I speak, the story comes out in a jumbled rush. Through shuddering sobs, I tell her everything while we sit on the park bench. Being the boss-level best friend that she is, Nat listens with rapt attention.
“That sounds like it was really fucking hard, Olena,” she says when I’m finished.
“It was pretty brutal, yeah.” I take a deep breath and meet her eyes. “I haven’t been that scared in… a long time.”
“No shit. I’m so sorry.”
“Thanks. And like… the timing.” I let out a soft whimper and drop my face into my hands.
“Yup. Shit timing.”
“Such shit. After the night we’d just had?
” I drag my hands down my face, then sit up and look at her.
“It was just so beautiful and perfect… and hot, Nat,” I say, pressing my fingers against my forehead.
“Oh, my God, it was so hot, you have no idea…” I take a deep breath and wipe my eyes on my hoodie sleeve.
She smiles at me sadly.
“And I just… freaked out and fucked everything up.” I shrug helplessly. “He’s never gonna want to see me again.”
Nat levels a look at me. “Len, my beautiful, amazing friend…” She reaches out to touch my hand. “Remember when we agreed to call bullshit on each other?”
I look at her warily. “Yeah.”
“Well, I hate to be that person but… what I’m hearing is bullshit.”
“What?” I’m not sure how to respond.
Nat smiles at me. She brushes a wayward braid back from her forehead and tucks it into her hair elastic.
“Here’s how I’m seeing things. You had a panic attack, and he saw that.
Now, is that ideal right after a sexy date and an even sexier sleepover?
No. But… he stayed with you, held you, and helped you calm down. He showed concern for your well-being.”
I give her a look and frown.
She goes on more quietly. “Sounds like he didn’t know this jerk brother of his was coming over and he was just as surprised as you were.”
I tilt my head, considering.
“And… it sounds like this guy has real feelings for you.” She raises her eyebrows at me.
“Like, don’t tell me you didn’t swoon right out of your shoes when he said that stuff about being done running.
Because,” she says as she widens her eyes, “Olena. Come on.” She fans her face with her hand and rolls her eyes dramatically.
I laugh, blinking the tears away.
“He didn’t run away. You had a hard time in his presence, and he reacted with kindness and care. He didn’t run.”
I meet her eyes.
She pauses a moment before continuing. “You know who ran, though?”
Realization slams into me. “Oh, fuck.” I drop my face into my hands. “Me.”
“Ding ding ding!”
“Hey, shut up.” I sit up and slug her in the arm lightly.
“It’s okay; you have legit reasons. Reasons you’re still working on.
” She squeezes my shoulder. “But girl, listen to me. You are allowed to have a hard time. He can give you the grace to be a human being with complex emotions and experiences. If he isn’t willing to do that…
that’s the red flag. You having a panic attack?
That ain’t a red flag. His response is a big-ass green flag. Huge.”
I take a moment to let her words sink in as I look out at the river. Jude was incredible last night—and this morning, if I’m honest with myself. My spiral of shame made me push him away and I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see him.
“Shit, Nat.” I look at her, frowning.
“Yeah,” is all she says with an apologetic look on her face.
I pull out my phone to text him, then pause. I’m not ready. Not yet. I tuck it back in my pocket.
I look at Nat again, needing more reassurance. “But are we sure I’m not a gigantic red flag, though?” I ask, still feeling like one.
“I’m sure,” she says simply.
The love in her eyes soothes my self-doubt.
“And, in the spirit of calling out bullshit,” Nat says, eyeing me, “I’m going to be that friend again, and remind you to make an appointment with that therapist.” She holds my gaze with her eyebrows raised.
I let out a big, long breath, then press my lips together and nod. She’s right. I’ve been procrastinating about taking that step.
“I still really think talking to someone could help.” She quirks her mouth up in a hopeful smile.
“I know.” I lean my head on her shoulder and sniff. “I’ll call to make an appointment tomorrow.”
“Atta girl.” She gives me a squeeze.
“I love you.” I cast my eyes up at her. “Thank you.”
She smiles. “And hey, congrats. You’ve found yourself a unicorn.”
“What?” I lift my head and look at her.
“Len, you found a man who’s gorgeous, kind, and single. Do you know how rare that is?”
I raise my eyebrows. She’s not wrong.
“What can I say,” Nat sighs, looking out over the river, “they just make men better in Lennox.” She gives me a teasing grin, then raises her eyebrows seriously. “Trust me, I moved here for one.”
I smile thinking about Nat and Graham’s sweet relationship. “Speaking of which, your anniversary trip is next week, right?”
“Yeah,” she says, “I can’t wait.”
“Hold on, will you be back in time for Marchmas at my parents’ house?
” I ask, a bit worried. We have this tradition where, every year on the 25th of March, we have a big dinner.
It’s something to look forward to at the end of a long, cold, and rainy winter season.
My friends always come to celebrate with us.
My parents love them like they’re my honorary adopted siblings.
“Yup. We get back earlier that day. I made sure of it!” Nat grins at me proudly. “You know I wouldn’t miss that shit! I love your mom and dad.”
“Oh, I’m so glad,” I say. “And I’m excited for you guys. I promise not to have another major life crisis while you’re away.”
“Minor ones are allowed. You can always text,” she reassures me.
“Okay, deal.” I smile.
Nat stands and turns to me, holding out her hand. “Now, let’s get up and move before my ass falls asleep on this bench.”