Chapter 8
Chapter Eight
Sloane wanted a fucking drink but wasn’t about to use that to cope. He’d done his best not to when he came home from the desert, and he’d be damned if he did it now. But it was tempting. Damn tempting.
He’d known it was going to hurt like hell when he finally let Hailey go, but he hadn’t known it would be this bad. It had only been a day, and yet the agonizing minutes had gone by way too slowly.
He was such a fucking idiot, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He just prayed she’d be okay eventually, and hell, that he hadn’t lost his job at Montgomery Ink for leaving like he had.
Seeing Jason like that had ripped him open. He’d bled with that man and had almost died with him. Yet what right did Sloane have to be happier than him? Choices had brought him to the place where he was, but did that mean he deserved the outcome of those choices?
Hailey was far too good for him. She’d survived and thrived. He’d made it through his life, and that wasn’t the same. If she were with him, she’d know the truth.
That he was stained with the blood of his fallen men. That he’d killed to protect them, but hadn’t done a good enough job. He’d killed to protect himself and his men, yet how could he live with that? He hadn’t been enough for the others and yet somehow he’d lived.
He wasn’t going to end it—that wasn’t the kind of man he was—but he also couldn’t consciously bring another down with him.
Hailey deserved better than that. Deserved better than him.
The knock on the door surprised him, but it shouldn’t have. It was probably Austin here to kick his ass for leaving not only Hailey but also the shop. The big man could probably take him, and that was saying something.
Without bothering to look out the peephole, he opened the door and froze.
“Hailey,” he said, his voice a broken growl.
She had her hands folded over her chest and a glare on her face. She looked hot as hell and even madder.
“If you shut the door in my face, I’ll just keep knocking, so you better let me in.”
Caught off guard and a little turned on, he moved to the side so she could storm past. And storm she did. She let out a small growl and turned on her heel.
“Well? Close the door, Sloane. We have to talk.”
He’d done his talking in front of Montgomery Ink. If he did it again, he wasn’t sure what he’d say.
“I already said what I needed to.”
“Well fuck you, Sloane Gordon. You need to let me talk, then. And when I’m done, you better be ready to talk or I’m going to kick your ass.”
His eyes widened, but he didn’t say anything. He’d never seen her like this, but damn if he didn’t like it. He’d loved her passion before, but hell, this was something more.
He finally closed the door, and she lifted her chin. Before he could take a step toward her—or away from her since his mind couldn’t figure it out—she stripped off her top so he could see her scars. He froze, unable to speak, to think. Her face was one of fury, but her stance that of strength.
“You see this? This is all of me. I'm not going anywhere.
You think I'm less of a woman because of what happened to me?
You think I'm less of a person? I sure as hell don't think you're any less of a man because you have PTSD, are scarred, or had to go through hell.
You need to talk to me. You got it? You need to tell me what is going on in that head of yours and know I'm going to be there.
I was your friend before this and I'm not going away.”
Sloane opened his mouth to speak but couldn’t formulate words.
“I don’t know what happened over there because you won’t tell me.
If you don’t want to go into the details, that’s fine.
For now. Because you need to talk about it, Sloane.
Hiding away from it clearly isn’t helping.
I love you, Sloane, and you’re in pain. I hate to see it and yet there’s nothing I can do if you keep hiding.
So, yeah, I’m standing here topless so you can see every inch of my pain, of my past. I’m not hiding anymore. Please don’t hide from me.”
Shame covered him and Sloane took a step forward. He didn’t touch her, couldn’t if he wanted to think, but he let out a shuddering breath.
He hadn’t missed that she’d told him she loved him. But could she love him without knowing the truth? He walked past her to the couch and heard the telltale sign of a sob. Fuck. He was messing this up.
When he pulled the throw off the couch and wrapped it around her shoulders, she frowned at him. “I don’t want you to get cold.”
“I don’t feel much of anything, Sloane.”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. She was here. Here and waiting. If he didn’t open himself up, she’d leave for good, and he’d always know he’d hurt her, scared her. Yet once he told her everything, she might leave anyway.
But what way would hurt her less?
“I’ve killed, Hailey.” He cleared his throat. “I’ve killed and hurt. I’ve watched the life drain out of someone’s eyes because I was ordered to. Because if I didn’t, they’d kill my men or me. I didn’t want to, never did, but I did it anyway.”
She pressed her lips together. “I figured you had, Sloane. That doesn’t change what I think of you.”
“It should, damn it.” He paced, running a hand over his head.
Hair was just starting to scrape his palm and he knew he needed to shave again.
That didn’t matter, though. The only thing that mattered was making sure Hailey understood what he was saying, understood why he’d left her standing on the street like he had.
“I’m dirty, Hailey. I have blood on my hands that I’ll never wash off.
No matter how many times I told the shrinks after I got out, they didn’t understand.
The only ones that do are the ones that were over there with me.
” He stopped pacing and met her gaze. “But out of all the men I went over there with, the only one that came back was Jason. And you saw him. He’s what I should be. ”
“Don’t say that. You know you’re not supposed to be that shadow.”
He shook his head and let out a shout. “I damn well should. I lost everyone but Jason over there, and fuck it, I lost Jason there, too. He didn’t come back whole, no one did, but for some reason I came back with more than I should.
How could I? That roadside bomb wiped out my unit.
Fucking burned them to a crisp and I was forced to listen to it, to watch it.
I almost bled out and burned with them, but I didn’t.
Instead, I have to walk in this world every damn day knowing I’m not good enough.
No matter what I do, I’ll never be worth it.
I’ll have never earned my life. Jason didn’t die that day either, yet he left more on the field than I did. ”
“Sloane.” Tears slid down her cheeks, but he didn’t wipe them away like he normally would have. If he did, he’d break, and he was already shattered as it was.
“Yes, I have PTSD. That doesn’t go away with the love of a good woman, with the ability to see that I have it.
It’s never going to go away, Hailey. I might be able to look like I’m normal on most days, but sometimes I’m going to freak the fuck out.
Sometimes I’m going to have nightmares. Sometimes I’m not going to be okay.
How is that good enough for you? How can you stand to be with me knowing I’m not whole?
I came home. Others didn’t. My friends had to die for me to be able to stand here in front of you.
They were the ones that didn’t make it and yet because they died, I lived.
I was able to make it out and yet their families will never know how much they meant to me. ”
She choked out a sob. “I’m not normal, Sloane.
I’m sure as hell not whole. You said yourself I was more than my scars, and yet you don’t think you are as well?
Scars aren’t just the ones on our skin, aren’t just what we can see when we look in the mirror.
I know I have them inside, on my heart, on my soul.
I know you have them, too. And I’m fine with it.
I love the man in front of me, scars and all. Can’t you love him, too?”
“I’ll taint you,” he whispered.
“You can’t, Sloane. Just love me. Love is enough to get us started.
We can talk to someone if we need to, but love is enough.
It doesn’t heal all wounds, doesn’t make the past go away.
It doesn’t heal our scars, doesn’t erase the pain, but it does make it worth it.
With you, I know I’m okay. I know I’m loved. Even if you haven’t said it.”
He let out a breath then stepped toward her. She cupped his face with one hand, the other on the blanket before he cupped her face instead. When she wiped the tears from his face he hadn’t known had fallen, he closed his eyes.
“I love you, Hailey. I love all of you, every breath of you, every ounce of your soul. But I’m not worthy of you.”
“You’re a fool, but I love you, too, Sloane.
And you don’t get to decide if you’re worthy of me.
That’s not how love works. You don’t get to walk away from me, leave me bleeding and in agony because you’re afraid to hurt me.
You hurt me anyway, trying to protect me, and I’m not going to let you do that again.
You hear me? If you want to leave me, then you do it without lying to me.
You do it by saying you don’t love me and you don’t want me. ”
He opened his eyes and cursed. “I love you, Hailey. I just damn well said it. Of course, I want you. I can’t breathe with wanting you.”
“Then let that be enough. We can do anything, Sloane. But we have to be together to persevere. You’re a good man, Sloane Gordon.
I saw you with Jason. I saw you try to help and know you could only do so much.
Don’t become him, Sloane. Help him, but don’t let his pain take away what you have.
Don’t fade into the shadows because you feel you should.
Step into the light because of those you lost. Show them that their loss was worth it.
Show the world that you made it and you live for them, not in spite of them. ”
Jesus, he loved this woman. She saw into the heart of him and yet he’d almost lost it all because he was so scared.
“I love you, Hails. I pushed you away before I had you, then did again because I was scared.”
“Don’t do it again,” she whispered, tears sliding down her cheeks in earnest. He wiped them away with his thumbs.
“I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did,” she said honestly.
He snorted.
“Don’t do it again. You don’t get to push me away because you’re scared.”
He kissed her then, softly, with everything he had within himself. She kissed him back, and he fell that much more in love with her.
He pulled away and traced one finger down her side and under her breast. “Don’t hide from me either. I know you haven’t, but…”
“But I might. Because it’s scary. I know.” She kissed his chest. “I promise to be open.”
“I’ll never leave you again,” he said softly.
“I want to believe that,” she whispered. “So prove it to me, Sloane. Every day. Prove it to me.”
“Be with me. We’ve hidden everything else in the past, but I’m all me now. You’re all you. We’re bare. You got it? You’re mine. I fucked up, but I’m not doing it again. I’m going to have you every way I can and I’m not letting go.”
She smiled softly and nodded. “We’ve wasted too many years because we were scared. I’m not going to waste any more.”
He kissed her then, this time deeper. “I love you, Hails.”
“I love you, too. Oh, and happy Valentine’s Day.”
He frowned and thought about the day before letting out a rough chuckle. “Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.”
She let the blanket fall from her fingers and he let out a groan. He hadn’t allowed himself to look at her fully before, but now he took her all in. When she licked her lips, he had to have her.
He crushed his mouth to hers even as she tugged on his shirt.
Soon they were stripped down, pressing their bodies together as tightly as possible, hands roaming and grasping.
He pulled out a condom from his discarded pants pocket and let her slide it over him.
The act almost made him come, but he held strong.
Barely. He moved her toward the front door and gripped her thighs.
“I’ve wanted to fuck you hard against a door since the first time,” he growled.
She bit his lip and opened for him. When he slid inside oh-so-slowly, they both moaned.
“Is it still fucking when we love each other? Or is it making love?” Her nails dug into his shoulder and he slowly pumped in and out of her.
“I know it’s making love when it’s slow.” He sped up. “When it’s going fast,”—he pounded into her—“when it’s me fucking you hard. It’s fucking, loving, and everything in between.”
She bit into her lip and rode him even as he fucked her into the door, their bodies sweat-slick and their moans rising. When her cunt clamped around him and her eyes darkened, he slammed into her, coming hard with her. He kissed her lips, his body shaking. She kissed him back.
“Love you, Hails. All of you.” He wrapped his arms around her, knowing he’d have to take them down to the floor soon before his legs gave out.
She nipped at his chin, her hands lazily skimming his back. “Love you, too, Sloane. You’re my broody, bearded, inked man. What more could I want?”
With her in his arms, in his heart, he knew the answer. Life. And she was it. He wouldn’t run from her anymore. He couldn’t. She’d seen the heart of him and hadn’t run, hadn’t shied away.
He’d been wrong before, but now he was all too right.
He had his life, his future in his arms.
He didn’t need anything else.
He’d found his future in the one person he’d hidden from.
He’d found his Hailey.