Chapter 5
Chapter Five
PRESENT
Since checking my email this morning, I’ve been on edge. I’m not sure I should have reached out to Santi, because on top of all the things I have going on right now, confronting yet another part of my painful past probably wasn’t a good idea.
“Mom, can you help me do the buttons?”
Theo climbs out from inside the duvet cover where he is trying to smooth it edge to edge. He’s never made his own bed. Nicholas insisted on having a lot of help around, just like my father did and still does. I’m glad I can start teaching Theo basic life skills so he doesn’t leave home like I did not knowing how to get that last corner of a fitted sheet to behave or how to make sure your laundry doesn’t bleed.
If it wasn’t for those nearly three years I got at college, nearly three years where my father tried to punish my life choices by taking away my so-called privileges, I would have never learned about separating whites from colors or learned that adding peanut butter to even the most random stir fry combination makes it taste good.
I start buttoning one end, Theo working from the other.
Glancing around the room, I decide despite the good things coming, this isn’t where I’d like him to be right now in the wake of all that’s happened. The room gives creepy Scottish castle vibes. The intense plaid wallpaper creates a certain kind of claustrophobia, like I’m being suffocated by a kilt. The combination of the garish wallpaper and Theo’s duvet cover with millions of bugs and their scientific names combines enough patterns and colors to make me nauseated.
I don’t think he’ll be sleeping in here much.
We’re about to meet in the middle of the row of buttons when my phone buzzes with a phone call and my heart stops.
Dad.
I didn’t reply to his previous texts. I recall the last few messages from him He’s texted at least thirty times. More than when I went to college and stopped feeling compelled to respond to his every whim. More than when I bothered to tell him I had cold feet about marrying Nic. More than when I got a tattoo. More than any other time where he found his control slipping.
If anything happens to Pacific Dreams, you will be to blame.
How can you live with yourself?
I taught my daughter to be loyal, not a traitor.
Designed in the same way they always have been, the first lot of texts intended to shame me. But the last ones were to bring me back.
Katinka. Stop this nonsense. You’re lucky I have money for a rainy day because it will soon rain on you.
Buzz. I slide my cell from my jeans and look at the screen. It’s not my father calling. It’s an unknown number.
“Hello?”
“Hi. Is this Kat Petras?”
“Speaking.”
“This is Julia Polakowski. I’m a friend of Santiago Mendez. He told me you’re looking for some work?”
My heart skips a beat. He actually decided to help me? I assumed he wouldn’t.
“Yes, that’s right.”
“I own the tack and feed shop in Echo Valley, and I can use some help with odds and ends. Stacking shelves. Manning the shop. It’s only part-time and would involve manual labor.”
“I’m up for anything, Julia, as long as…” I bite my lip. Did Santi add I need to bring my kid? Surely that’s a dealbreaker for most people.
Julia finishes my thought. “Santi relayed the information about your son. Can I ask how old he is?”
“Ten. Theo is a very good boy…”
“Oh, I’m not bothered about good boys. None of them are when you scratch beneath the surface.”
She lets out a natural, sassy laugh that warms my chest and puts me at ease.
She continues, “I just wanted to know if we’re dealing with a baby or toddler because I’d need to give that extra consideration safety wise. But ten? We can put him to work, too.”
I glance over at Theo who smooths his duvet, puts his hands on his hips, and stares at his work with satisfaction.
“We’re up for anything, Julia. Thank you. Echo Valley is just up the road from us, so that would be perfect. I’m homeschooling Theo until the new school year, so we’re pretty flexible.”
“Can you come by this afternoon? I have some deliveries. It would be a perfect time to have some extra hands. And I’ll need you to fill out some forms.”
I can’t believe my luck.
“Absolutely.”
Just then, Keeper rushes into the room and jumps on the bed. He’s not going to love being alone for hours in this new place.
“Uh… Julia?” I can’t believe I have to ask for a favor upon a favor. “Do you think I could bring my dog to work, too? He’s very well-behaved, but seeing as we just moved house he’s not exactly settled. I’m worried he might become destructive if he gets bored or thinks we’re not coming back. The furniture here isn’t mine, so…”
“Say no more. I wouldn’t have the pup distraught. Dogs are coming in and out of the shop all day anyway as you can imagine.”
This is all going too perfectly. Maybe I’m due some good karma. I’ll have to thank Santi for sending Julia to me, though the mere thought of seeing him again after all these years, and after all that heartache, sends my stomach on a roller-coaster ride. What will it be like to see him again?
It’s been a long time. So long that I’m sometimes embarrassed I still care. Because I do. I suppose it’s only natural. How could I ever stop wondering how someone who seemed so in love with me, someone who I planned my life with, that I was prepared to quit college, hell, leave it all behind for, never showed up?
I called Santi back then. Texted… why …
I can’t think like this. That was thirteen years ago, and the man has just decided to help me out. I need to look forward, not back.
Too bad I know from his massive online presence he’s still attractive. Maybe more so.
Ugh.
I write down the address to Heritage Tack and Feed Shop. I tell Theo about our new opportunity, and he’s excited by it. It’s not ideal to make him come to work with me every day, but maybe I can teach him math there at the register and make him read inventory lists for me or something. It’s only part-time. We’ll still have a lot of time in a day. And it’s only temporary.
I try to let some pride overtake my concerns. I’m thirty-one years old and embarking on my very first job. I’m doing it.
On our way up the single-track highway, I’m a bubbling cauldron of emotions and starting to get prickly under my arms. After work, I really should stop by Monarch Hills to thank Santi. But then, I’ll see all he’s built for himself, the life I thought we’d have together and with all his dreams come true around him. Curiosity claws at me all over again.
I’ll need strength to thank him. It’s bittersweet that he’s saved us, despite him being the only person to ever truly break me. Suddenly, a surge of fear overcomes me. What if I can’t hold it together?
I continue to survive a manipulative, unloving father. I survived an abusive marriage. But with my father and Nicholas, I worked from behind my armor. I never let my shield down with them. I knew from a young age, from the way my father treated my mom, to be wary. I knew the day I found out I was pregnant that Nicholas wasn’t to be trusted.
I wore chainmail with those men so they never cut that deep.
But Santi? I didn’t just show him my heart, I let him hold it in those hardworking, talented callused hands of his. And he crushed it. I didn’t survive him because he took the girl I was wherever he went and never came back with her. She’s gone.
I never stopped wanting that hopeful young woman back, and that hurt as much as losing him.
“Mom?” Theo breaks me out of my trance, and just in the nick of time, because I might have missed our turn.
“Yeah, honey?”
There’s the sign for Echo Valley. Population 2502.
“I forgot to put on my lucky sock.”
“It’s a good thing I have both mine on then.” I glance over quickly, offering a beaming smile despite feeling nervous as hell. I try some small talk because it will take both our minds off our frazzled nerves. “Julia said there are a lot of dogs coming in and out of the place. I guess where it’s a tack and feed shop there will be animal food, wheelbarrows…”
“Wheelbarrows…” he says more to himself than to me.
“Yeah. And maybe pitchforks and shovels and lots of farm stuff.”
Theo isn’t a bubbly kid, he’s always been the serious type, so he doesn’t get excited by bouncing around, he does it by becoming more thoughtful. The word farm has his wheels turning.
Julia told me the shop is the first thing I’ll see coming into town, and sure enough, there’s the gray-sided building with red trim. Right under the apex of the roof is a sign. Heritage – Feed, Pet, Tack.
I pull into the lot and throw my car into park. When I turn off the ignition, the music goes along with it and any distraction that was keeping me from becoming a wreck. I have to keep it together for Theo, but I have to pee suddenly as well, and I know it’s just that fear of the unknown dancing on my bladder.
Out of the front door and under the awning of the front porch appears an attractive older woman, hair in a bun. She’s wearing jeans and a button-down green shirt and looks pretty fit. When we step out of the car, she puts her arm in the air to wave at us, so that can only mean it’s Julia.
Keeper runs ahead toward Julia and sniffs around her ankles. She bends down and scratches behind his ear.
As we approach, Theo grabs for my hand, and I’m as glad to hold his as he is mine. We’ve been there for each other since the beginning. I know I’m supposed to be his support, but this little boy has no idea how much strength being his mother has poured into me over the years.
I squeeze his hand and glance down. He offers me a thin-lipped smile.
Julia extends her hand. “Kat, I presume?”
I nod and shake her hand. “Nice to meet you. This is Theo.” I search around for my dog who is very annoyingly peeing on one of Julia’s pots. “And that’s Keeper.”
I hope she’s chill about the begonias.
She is .
She bends down to get at eye level with Theo. “I hope you don’t mind getting dirty.”
He briefly makes eye contact and then stares at the ground again, but his lips quirk up at the corner. Julia unknowingly just spoke Theo’s love language. Dirt.
“Come on in so I can show you two and Keeper around the shop before the trucks arrive.”
We enter the huge airplane-hangar-sized store. Theo’s eyes widen instantly.
Inside, it smells like earth and leather, which is what I want pumped into the air of my coffin so I know I’m in heaven. The store is separated mostly by house pets and big animals. Half of the store is stocked with industrial-sized bags of dog and cat food and on the other side, horse supplements, salt licks, fly masks, horse blankets, bridles, and stirrups… it goes on for miles. A wave of nostalgia bursts through me in the best possible way. The only times in my childhood when I was truly happy was with the horses. Be it mucking out, riding, or grooming.
Julia points to the far end of the building. “Over there is the door leading to the hay stores, outbuildings… the containers where we keep wood shavings and all the bedding.”
If I stand on my tiptoes to gaze in the direction of her finger, I can make out said door.
Just then, outside on the porch, there’s a massive commotion and a symphony of growls and barks. I look down, and Keeper isn’t next to us anymore.
“Oh man…” I groan.
I rush outside to see if Keeper is in a fight. Theo is glued to my side, and Julia trails just behind.
And then, the world stops .
Santi stands there with my dog in his arms and another at his ankles devouring a dog treat.
We lock eyes. The air stills in my lungs. The features under his elegant Stetson are as gorgeous as the day he left me. His warm brown eyes still have the same hypnotic effect. In them is the same boyish charm, the same passion and fire, the same determination… the same… everything.
We’re silent. It’s strangely calm and urgent all at the same time.
My mouth is dry, but a greeting squeaks out. “Hi.”
He gazes at me like he’s trying to figure me out, hell, like he’s trying to figure out the last thirteen years and chewing on my hello as if I said a lot more. More than a beat passes with him in his thoughts, but eventually, that low, smooth voice of his enters my soul.
“Hello, Kat.”
Tension wraps around us like smoke, intense and consuming.
Theo’s voice relieves us. “That’s my dog.”
Santi’s gaze floats down to Theo but flicks up to me, back and forth, probably making out the resemblance.
Theo thrusts out his two arms, and Santi bends down to hand over our tiny poodle that I’m glad Santi’s gigantic dog didn’t crush.
Santi starts, “I think she…”
“He…” Theo corrects.
“I think he’s all right. My girl doesn’t usually go after other dogs, but my friend Julia here gave her some treats yesterday, and I’m pretty sure they’re made of highly addictive illegal substances.” Santi’s eyebrow cocks and he throws Julia a displeased expression.
Theo hugs Keeper into his arms and kisses his head. “What’s that supposed to mean? ”
“It means Mila here wasn’t very friendly to your dog because he was sniffing around her treat. Sorry about that.”
Theo shrugs. “It’s okay. He seems fine.”
Santi eases back up to standing, and it’s as if his tall, perfectly honed frame is making its way up in slow motion. He’s still broad. Firm. That cowboy buckle tight around a trim waist.
I should thank him. But before I can get a word out, he curls his finger, beckoning Julia toward him. “Can I talk to you?”
She shrugs innocently and follows Santi who whisks past me to enter the shop. They don’t go too deep inside, just around the corner. Though they keep their voices low, I developed supersonic hearing in motherhood, and every word reaches me.
I stare at Santi’s massive but somehow cute herding dog eating some stick-like treat. I pretend to watch Santi’s dog while I listen carefully. Theo sits on the ground and checks Keeper over for damage.
Santi’s tone is accusatory but still respectful. “You said you needed help today. And I asked when Kat was coming. You said tomorrow.”
“Many hands make light work. What’s the issue?”
He doesn’t answer.
Julia pokes. “You said she was a friend.”
I can just see Julia’s arms crossed over her chest right now. She strikes me as a woman who doesn’t back down from a challenge.
Santi clears his throat. “I said acquaintance .”
“You said you wanted me to give her a job.” It’s both a statement and a question.
“I did.”
Julia has that exhausted lilt moms get when they’re too busy for the drama. “What’s the problem, Santiago? I have trucks coming in a few minutes, so we need to blow through this temper tantrum of yours and cut to the point.”
“I’m not…” He stops himself.
I wonder if he took off his cowboy hat to run his fingers through his hair like he used to when he was frustrated. He’s definitely frustrated.
But with me? For what possible reason could he be angry with me? He’s the one who didn’t show up when I needed him most. I had my goddamn bag packed ready to abandon my life and assume a new identity. With him. For him.
If anyone should be frustrated, it’s me.
And I am.
I narrow my eyes, concentrating on their words.
Julia is softer now. “It’s hard to meet women when you live in a small town…” She corrects herself: “… women who are your age…”
I roll my eyes. Ugh.
“… And marriage material.”
“Jules…” He sighs roughly. Pauses again. “I know since I got that application going you’ve all ramped up the matchmaking efforts, but I don’t want you trying to set me up. That’s all. It isn’t happening. I just want to make myself clear.”
Application?
“You got it. She’s awfully pretty, though…”
“No,” he adds curtly.
Suddenly Julia appears in the doorway, and I crouch quickly as if I’d been petting his dog for a while. Keeper crawls off Theo’s lap and tries making friends again with Santi’s dog who, now done with her treat, is up for a play.
Santi stands behind Julia, tall and looking less like an ex and more like an enemy at this point. What the hell version of our past did he live? He has no reason to be that damn peeved at hanging out with me today.
Maybe he is just annoyed Julia is trying to set him up. Maybe I imagined that blinding lightning strike when our eyes met.
Just then, two delivery trucks pull up, and we hurry around to the sprawling back parking lot where we spend the next half an hour. Santi is clearly still a gentleman, because despite having to be around me, he has stayed to unload the trucks just because Julia asked.
I’m going to get some serious workouts and tough biceps working around here. Annoying, Santi’s tattooed arms have been getting this workout for years because they are steely, moving the bales around like they’re feather pillows.
When we’re done, Santi wipes his hands on his jeans and whistles for his dog. “Mila. Come.”
The dogs have been chasing each other around and up and down pyramids of hay and plastic-wrapped wood shavings.
“See you Wednesday, Jules.” He starts off. He’s not going to say goodbye to me. But then he thinks better of it and spins. “Theo. Good luck with your new job.”
“Nice to meet you, Mr. Santi.”
Then, his fine ass strolls off across the parking lot toward the one in front of the store where we’re both parked. Rude.
I’m aghast. Floored and angry. But I’m also determined not to be a doormat in this new life of mine. I will not be treated as though I’ve offended him in some way. Like I’m not worthy of a goodbye? I get that maybe Santi wants to leave the past behind us, that he might not want Julia to know we used to be a thing. Hell, I’m not going to be the cougar amongst the young girls Julia referred to earlier, but if anyone should be mad here, it’s me.
I was the one left on the side of the road with my suitcases packed. I was the one who dragged my ass home, unrequited, too embarrassed to tell anyone I was stood up, let down… humiliated. And worse than all of that, I gave up hope for good and crawled back to the life I never wanted.
As my thoughts spiral back to the past, he makes his way deeper to the other side of the parking lot, and I decide he’s going to face me. I have decency and manners. I won’t let him or any other man treat me like an afterthought.
I chase him down and catch him just as he’s turned the corner and Theo and Julia are out of sight.
“Santi!”
He spins. His nostrils flare. He hooks his thumbs in his jeans pockets and gazes at me; maybe it’s a glare. His jaw tics. A thousand emotions swirl inside me. I’m angry he’s acting like I did something wrong. I’m grateful he helped bring me here. And… I’m still finding him painfully attractive. Damn it.
A customer walks behind him, heading into the shop, and greets him. “Hey there, Santi.”
The tall, dark cowboy in front of me doesn’t twist, he doesn’t take his eyes off me, just speaks. “Afternoon, Ken.”
Ken disappears through the door.
I don’t know what I’m going to say. It’s not like I’m going to hash out what happened thirteen years ago now. Or even really ask him what’s crawled up his ass. Now that I’m here, fist clenched, Theo calls Keeper’s name behind me, and I’m reminded of what’s more important than anything. This job. My son. Our financial independence. A fresh start.
It’s more important than winning right now. It’s more important than reciting the fuck-you speech I still have memorized from thirteen years ago.
Santi got me this much-needed opportunity. He’s clearly good friends with Julia. I don’t need to ruffle feathers in our new community. So I bite back my anger.
“Thank you. For getting me this job.”
He swallows, and I trace the movement of his Adam’s apple up and down his strong, tanned neck. His words are rough. And painful.
“Well.” The pause is thick with accusation. “Some of us keep our promises.”
Then he leaves, his adoring dog following him back to the life we never had together.