15
Dear Diary,
Once again, there were dozens of emergencies to attend to and a whole queue of stretchers waiting in the corridor—and that was before dawn. I live only for work, which always keeps me on my toes and helps distract me from thinking about Vicent. Luckily, work here is never in short supply. It”s not only the patients who are on the edge of death every day: we, the volunteers and the medical staff, also wake up in the morning not knowing if we will ever go to bed again. My teammates have become my only family since I left Valencia. My teammates... and also some patients.
Soon, the year will be over, yet last Christmas seems like a distant dream. We will never again have another like it: my two siblings and I with our parents. That family scene will exist only in my memories from now on.
Dear diary, I stayed here for the cause, but I no longer believe in any cause except survival. I feel as if I have grown up, or rather grown old. They say that love and death come in quick succession in times of war, but honestly, I”ve seen much more of the latter than the former. Although there is something I haven”t written about yet, and maybe I should…
When Vicent died, I decided to remain at my post until the end of the war. Jakob got into the habit of waiting for me every afternoon at the end of my shift—although my shifts are not counted in hours but in exhaustion. One works until one”s eyelids stick together, and one is thrown out of the operating room for not knowing a scalpel from a pair of scissors. At first, Jakob spoke mostly about my brother, about the few things he learned from him on the frontline, and about his final hours. But little by little, he has become my best friend and confidant. With each day that passes, I look forward to seeing him more and more.
Maybe it”s the way we live here, always on the edge, always in a hurry in case there’s no tomorrow? I thought my feelings for him were growing stronger, and in the beginning, I believed that he felt the same. Imperceptibly, he has become something more than a mere reflection of my lost brother.
But then I discovered something terrible, and I understood that the time to say goodbye to him is getting closer and closer.
Jakob has improved a lot and has taken advantage of his convalescence to learn Spanish: he is a quick learner because he talks to everyone. Everyone loves him, especially the women who work in the kitchen and who always give him special treats. A couple of days ago, I heard them talking about him, and that”s how I found out the terrible news.
“He”s nice, the Yugoslavian, isn”t he?” said one of the cooks.
“Yes... too bad he”s leaving,” replied the other. “His injuries won”t allow him to return to the front, so he”s going back to his homeland.”
“They say he won”t go back alone,” added a third. “He told Matilde that apparently he has plans...”
I crouched quietly behind the door so I could eavesdrop on the rest of the conversation:
“I hear his companion is a woman. A Spanish woman.”
“How interesting. Did he say who she was?”
“No, he didn”t want to reveal her name. But I suppose this lady already knows.”
“We all thought he was so shy! Who knows which bed Mr. Peg Leg slips into at night!”
All three giggled like teenagers, but I felt a sudden lump in my throat.
I can”t believe that Jakob is leaving with a woman he has never told me about. I’ve told him hundreds of anecdotes about my parents and my siblings, and he has never mentioned a girlfriend. When I imagine him with someone else, my stomach twists, although I know I have no right to be jealous. We are friends, that”s all. I misunderstood his kindness. But this afternoon, he came looking for me, and I’m afraid to say I was rather short with him.
“Carmen, where are you going in such a hurry?” he greeted me with a wide grin as if he hadn”t been keeping important things from me for weeks.
“I”ve been told you”re leaving,” I blurted out bluntly. “And that you”re not going alone.”
“So you know...?”
He blushed like a child caught causing mischief.
“I overheard the cooks talking.”
“I’m sorry, Carmen, I never wanted you to find out like this... but you know how these women are. They want to know everything, but then they don”t know how to keep quiet. I was waiting for the right moment, but please tell me what you think.”
“What do you want me to say?” I swallowed down an insult. “Anyway, have a good trip,” I said, then turned around and ran down the hallway. I hope he leaves soon and I never have to cross paths with him again.