17
Dear Diary,
I will never forget yesterday.
On the first stretcher of the day, they brought in a young, dark-haired man. He had severe wounds to his abdomen; it looked as if he had been raked across the belly. He must have been in his twenties, and he reminded me very much of Vicent. He was still conscious and mumbled the Lord”s Prayer over and over between moans of pain.
The doctor examined him briefly while glancing sideways at the other five who were coming through the door. He took the man’s pulse and poked a little at his wounds.
“Not worth it,” he said coldly. “Next, please.”
Dr. Soler isn’t a bad person, but he distances himself from his patients in order to survive. We all do it, to a greater or lesser extent.
But yesterday, I couldn”t.
This young man looked too much like my brother.
I swallowed. Normally, I wouldn’t have contradicted the surgeon, but I felt the need to try.
If he survives, Isaid to myself, I”ll take it as a sign from Heaven that the war will soon be over, and we”ll all get home safely. I”ll marry a good man, and I can be a nurse in a real hospital. Or a doctor, even.
“Let”s try,” I begged the surgeon. “Please. I know we can save him.”
I managed to convince the doctor, but he was right, and the patient died a few hours after the operation.
The other five survived, at least until nighttime. When we finished with the last one, I left to rest, exhausted and defeated. I had a terrible headache.
Fate”s answer had been loud and clear, but I had refused to listen to it.
Soon, it will be Christmas, or as they have decided to call it now, ‘Children’s Week’, which is an interesting name when it’s the children who suffer the most in this war.
I was thinking about that when I ran into Jakob again in the corridor: he seemed as down as I was.
“Are you alright?” we both asked in unison.
“No,” I replied, too tired to be polite. “I miss my old life. I thought I hated it then, but right now, I would give anything to go back to my job as a seamstress and then go back home to find my brother sitting at the dinner table.”
“I know. I miss the times when I studied piano and helped my mother in the boarding house. But still, I don”t regret coming here. It was worth it.” He reached out his hands and tried to hug me, but I shunned him.
“Well, you should. Only a madman would come into this hell voluntarily.”
“I did it because, back then, I believed in the cause.”
“You did?“ I stopped to look at him. “Not anymore?”
He shrugged.
“I”m not sure. But this has helped me appreciate the important things in life.”
“I don”t believe in anything, Jakob. I”m going to sleep. I can”t take it anymore.”
He took my hand, and I shivered as I felt his fingers against mine, just like the night of the bombing. I shook him off, remembering the cooks” words.
“I don”t think we should see each other anymore. Anyway, you”ll be leaving soon.”
“If that’s what you want.” He looked like he was going to cry as he turned around and limped away.
But I didn”t want to say goodbye forever in such a cold way, so I called after him. “One more thing, Jakob,” I said, my voice breaking because I knew I probably wouldn’t ever see him again. “You never told me about that woman you’re leaving with, the one I heard about through the hospital gossip. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that I hope you”ll be very happy. I wish it with all my heart. I really do.”
Jakob looked horrified and stared at me, dumbfounded.
“Where did you get such an absurd idea? What woman? What are you talking about?” he asked, perplexed.
“I heard you were going back to Yugoslavia. With a woman.”
He looked at me and began to laugh. I got even more annoyed because I didn”t find anything remotely funny about this whole situation.
“People talk too much without knowing the truth.” He stretched out his arms slowly, and this time, I didn”t object. I let him wrap his arms around me and felt all the tiredness and tension of the day dissolve in his warm embrace. “There are no women. Or rather, many times I’ve fantasized about one, but it”s clear she doesn”t want me.” He looked me in the eyes, and I waited for him to finish the sentence, holding my breath. “Because you don”t love me, right, Carmen?”
“Me?” I mumbled without understanding.
“Of course. Who else would it be?”
I looked at him in amazement and didn’t know what to say.
“So? Will you come with me then? Or would you rather... would you rather not see me again? Because I can”t stay here much longer.”
“I… I don”t know. It”s all so unexpected. It”s... too complicated,” I said, shaking my head.
Two nurses approached from the other end of the hallway and caught us embracing. We jumped apart and waited for them to pass by. They smiled, whispering to each other, and gave us a knowing look. It was as if the whole hospital had been anticipating this moment... everyone except the two of us.
“Marry me,” Jakob murmured in my ear as soon as they left. “Marry me tomorrow. Please marry me. Nothing is too complicated if there is enough love.”