Chapter 17
Tshabina
An hour had passed since I’d returned, yet the dampness on my face remained. The house was quiet because, luckily, only Mbak Mayang was around. No Tsabinu, no Dad—just the heavy silence of an empty home.
After leaving the restaurant, I got in a taxi and headed home, ignoring Andi’s dozens of calls and going through almost an entire box of the driver’s tissues along the way.
Pathetic.
When I got in, I locked myself in my room, stripped everything off, and stood under the shower. I stayed there for ages, hoping the water streaming down and spiraling into the drain could somehow take my ruin with it. But my chest still burned, no matter how cold the water was.
Ever since that incident, since Zioh and Zeraiah had left and vanished, I were nectar, and cruelty was the honeybee because it never failed to find its way to me.
It had taken my mom away in such a horrific way—leaving Dad broken, crushing Tsabinu’s dreams, leaving me alone, and slowly tearing us all apart.
Now, those words spoken once more by a colleague, confirming my deepest fears that I’d become noise at work, surrounded by awful assumptions.
After the shower, I collapsed on my bed and closed my eyes. When I opened them again, the sun had dipped lower, and the clock on the wall read six in the evening. But what had woken me wasn’t the time. It was noise from outside my room, from downstairs.
Pressing a hand to my temple, I got to my feet. Andi and Tsabinu’s voices drifted from below. I walked toward the door, but my reflection in the mirror stopped me cold. Oh no.
My eyes were horribly swollen, and my nose was bright red. If Tsabinu saw me like this again, in such a short span, he’d press me, and this time, I honestly didn’t know what I could say.
So instead, I cracked my door open quietly and tiptoed to the landing. I peered down the stairs, leaning against the railing, watching the two of them.
Andi spoke with energy, already changed into his loose white T-shirt and jeans. Tsabinu, on the other hand, was still in his buttoned-down shirt. The lines of his face sagged, and his hair was out of place.
He listened to Andi while staring at the empty glass in front of him.
“Wait, don’t tell me…” Andi’s eyes sharpened at him. “Asshole, you already knew, Bib?!”
Knew? Knew what?
Tsabinu sighed. “Yeah, I—”
“And you didn’t say anything?” Andi snapped, lowering his voice.
Didn’t say anything? What were they talking about?
Leaning further forward, I strained to catch every word.
“My sister’s not okay right now, Ndi,” Tsabinu said at last, his voice low.
He slipped off his glasses and rubbed his brow, shoulders sagging.
“She was crying yesterday, her eyes swollen, and she refused to tell me anything. So I’m asking you not to bring it up yet.
” His tone was weary, and it hurt my chest to hear it.
My hands on the railing shook, and I bit my lip hard. I was piling more and more on him.
“I know she’s not okay these days,” he added, voice hollow and low. “I don’t know why, and I’m worried.”
Andi stared at him, and his face tensed.
No. Please, Andi, don’t. My pulse thudded, and my palms grew slick against the railing.
Tsabinu caught it too. His voice sharpened. “I know you know something.”
My breath hitched.
“Bib—”
“No, listen to me first, Andi.” His voice cut, firm. “Tshabina is my twin sister. And you… You’re my best friend too, not just hers. I know sometimes she’s more open with you, but she’s my sister, Ndi.”
Tsabinu paused, and his tone grew more… tremulous.
“I’m the only family she’s got left to lean on, but how am I supposed to protect her if I don’t even know what she’s going through?
” His voice cracked, eyes desperate. “I know she may have asked you to stay silent. But please. When it comes to her, I’ll be selfish, because I need to know. I need to protect her.”
Andi exhaled. “I’m here too, Bib. She’s got me as well, and I love her too.”
My vision blurred with tears.
Please, no…
Finally, Andi turned to him. “Okay. Fine.”
My heart nearly burst from my chest.
“Earlier, when Zioh took her out for lunch and talked work with her, I was on the phone with her. Then suddenly… There were these two bitches from the office talking shit about her behind me.”
Tsabinu’s face stiffened, his eyes narrowing. “What did they say?”
Andi’s jaw clenched. “Long story. But basically, they called her and your mom… sluts. And accused her of seducing Aditya.”
The silence that followed was deafening.
Tsabinu’s expression tightened, his entire face hardening, though he forced his voice down. “Those girls. Give me their names.”
I slipped back into my room and shut the door, pressing my back against it.
My fists clenched. I shouldn’t be weak, because it wouldn’t only drive me to the edge, but also would make my brother run after me, pull me up from the brink.
And the thought that my brother would still crawl toward me barefoot, even if his feet were bleeding, made a sick heaviness twist in my stomach.
I wanted to scream to myself, because even at our age, my brother was still burdened by our dad and me.
He couldn’t breathe peacefully or live free without thinking about us.
I only ever wanted to free him.
To cut him loose from this labyrinth.
Yet over the years, he had changed more. He looked at me with those fragile eyes, as though I might shatter at any moment. However, I couldn’t blame him, not after everything, not after what happened to Mom and Dad.
But I couldn’t shake the feeling it was more than that. That something else had broken in him. Something was missing from him.
But once again, I didn’t understand.
I never knew anything.
It made me ask myself what the purpose of being with them at all was, when I was never truly present for them.
The knock at my door startled me. “Tshabina?” Andi’s voice. He called my name again, and I brushed my tears away.
“Bib? Are you okay?” he asked. “I’m coming in.”
The door creaked open. “Are you okay?” His voice came again, gentler now, making me turn. I forced a smile, nodding.
He looked at me with a wary and worried expression. He added, his voice sharp. “I promise those bitches won’t—”
“Let’s not talk about it anymore, Ndi.” I cut him off, weary. “I’m fine. Really.” I perched on the edge of my bed.
He frowned, clearly unconvinced, but exhaled after a long moment. “Fine.”
Andi stepped forward with caution and sat beside me.
“I think when Aditya’s back, I should talk to him,” I murmured. “I need to set things straight.” Maybe one of the problems was that I was always silent. I was too afraid to fight back and always accepted whatever I got with quiet grace, even though it only destroyed me.
Because I was such a coward.
As Andi said, I always stayed quiet and relied on time to erase everything. But it didn’t have a good effect; on the contrary, it worsened things.
He nodded. “Want me to come with?”
I shook my head. “I should do it alone. But thanks.”
“Alright. But you know, if you need anything, call me.”
I gave him a small smile. Thank you for not leaving, and I hope you never will, Andi. “Yeah. Thanks.”
Returning my smile, he pulled something out of his bag—a book.
I knew what it was, and I let out a tired sigh.
“Forget the crap that happened. Let’s move to step two,” he said with a grin.
“You already did step one. You tried avoiding what reminded you of Zioh. That’s good.
Now step two.” He flipped to the page and jabbed at it.
“This.” His eyes met mine, a mischievous grin stretching wide. “Go out on a date.”
I sighed, shaking my head. “Drop it, Ndi. Don’t start with nonsense.”
He clutched my shoulders. “Hey! You promised. You’ll always see Zioh starting tomorrow, especially while Didit’s away.
” He fixed me with a sharp gaze. “Think about it, you’ll be the one documenting his project, you’ll be the one documenting him when he meets with big bosses, you’ll be the one documenting him in meetings with other teams, you’ll be the one documenting him in the field.
It means, until this project’s done, both of you will be like Upin & Ipin, those damn bald twins—always together.
Why? Because everything needs documentation. And who’s in charge of that? You.”
I stammered. “W-what does that have to do with—”
“It means if you keep seeing that hot ass creature, you’ll never move on!” Andi shot back. “So, you’ll need extra effort.”
I stared at him. Was he serious?
He was. Damn. Serious.
And annoyingly, he was right.
But still…
Deep down, something inside me resisted.
Maybe because I wasn’t ready to truly let go. Maybe my heart still couldn’t accept it. Because a part of me still felt him.
Still sensed Zioh.
He was an inconsistent shade of gray, sometimes predominantly white and sometimes predominantly black. But a reason lay beneath it all, as if something bound him to the darkness—and I wanted to hear it.
I wanted him to explain.
But maybe Andi was right. Perhaps it was time.
If he truly hated me. If he genuinely wanted me out of his life… I would give him that even if it killed me.
Andi’s question broke through my thoughts. “So? You will, right?” He grinned. “Relax, I’ll set you up with someone perfect. I have a lot of contacts. Trust me, when it comes to matchmaking, bestie’s blessing is number one.”
Looking at him in silence, I let my shoulders sag and gave him a slight nod.
His smile widened, triumphant. Then he gave me a look, shaking his head. “Honestly, I don’t get it. Why are you so hung up on him? Who cares if you’ve known him since the playground? A red flag’s a red flag, bitch. Run.”
I stayed silent, knowing no matter how I tried to explain, he’d never understand. Because he’d never seen Zioh the way I did, because Zioh had only ever shown that version of himself to me.
Only me.
So, no matter how many words I tried, he’d never get it. He hadn’t lived inside my body for thirteen years, from when I was four until I was seventeen.
He’d never understand.
“Like, come on,” Andi scoffed. “He was just a cool boy who became—”
“Became a hot man?” I interjected.
Andi rolled his eyes. “Fuck yeah. Just a cool boy who became a hot man that you should fucking forget!”
? ── * ── ?
So, we walked through a city park in Jakarta.
Andi thought a night walk would do me good. Fresh air, clear my mind.
Except it wasn’t fresh air. It was pollution. Huh…
I trudged along the sidewalk with an ice cream in my hand, listening to his endless chatter blending with the city’s chaos.
But he didn’t know that bringing me here broke our rules because this park held memories, too.
Us.
Me, Zioh, Zeraiah, Tsabinu. We used to come here almost every afternoon to ride bikes and buy this very ice cream.
I didn’t blame him, though. He couldn’t have known.
Or maybe there was no escaping it.
Everywhere I went, every place in this city, I could see our faces. Every corner, every street. Memories rooted in all 4,748 days.
The only way to truly follow Andi’s plan was to leave Jakarta. Because here, there was nowhere to hide.
Suddenly, I was startled when a familiar song that could transport me back to the past started playing from ahead. The music sounded harmonious with the honking horns around us.
“Back in Black.”
Zeraiah’s favorite track.
A faint smile tugged at my lips upon hearing it, until I was startled—no, I stopped dead.
Emerald-green eyes—lost to me for years—locked onto mine.
The owner of those eyes stared back from the expensive car in front of me.
I stood there, frozen, unable to move or think, and the ice cream in my hand fell to the ground.
For a moment, I was certain I had finally lost my mind.
We stared at each other, and I couldn’t hear anything except the thud in my ears.
“Zeraiah…?”