Chapter 26
Tshabina
For a second, I was sure I was hallucinating. Then the sting of my bitten lip snapped me back; he was real.
I looked into his eyes. His emerald green eyes were shaking, but he was here.
Tall. Radiant. He looked like a beacon in front of me in his wool bomber jacket, white open-collared shirt, tailored pants, and light-tinted glasses. I lowered my eyes and dipped my head, feeling the heavy weight press down on my chest.
Zeraiah moved as if in slow motion and sat beside me, taking the seat Andi had left. I couldn’t look at him—I didn’t dare. My eyes dropped on my skates, their blades scratching faintly against the floor.
Memories flooded me— “I really believe one of them will be out,” Zeraiah said, making a face at the One Direction song playing.
“Hey! Don’t you dare say that!” I yelled, pushing him—splash. He immediately grabbed my leg and yanked me in with him. We ended up laughing like idiots in the pool.
If it had been before, we would have been bickering by now, laughing in our chaos. But now my breath couldn’t even be steady as he sat beside me. Zeraiah turned his head, his voice low. “I’m sorry,” he rasped.
I looked at him, startled.
“I’m sorry I didn’t greet you properly. Not when we first met again at the park, not in the car the other day either.” His voice was soft, laced with sadness. Our eyes met, and it ached, because I didn’t know if he was feeling the same pain as I did.
I shook my head without taking my eyes off him, and they even trembled from the sting I felt, remaining that way until Zeraiah spoke again.
“You know, when Mas Zaeem asked me to come here after so long, I finally said yes, especially since Zioh was already here.” He bit the corner of his lip, his foot tapping against the floor.
“And… I thought for ages about whether to bring this or not.”
He reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a small box. His fingers tightened around it before extending it towards me.
“In the end, I knew. If I left it in the UK, it’d only haunt me.” He shrugged. “So, I brought it.”
I didn’t take it right away. My eyes stayed fixed on the box, then lifted to him again—not knowing how to react. For a moment, it felt like I’d become my brother, measuring every move and every word, unready to face the possibility that my next mistake might provoke Zeraiah.
Seeing my hesitation, he faltered, and somehow the cold surrounding us sharpened, pressing through my jacket.
“Okay… this is, uh…” He shook the box and blew a breath.
“Do you remember the day before Zioh and I left? On your birthday?” He swallowed, his fingers moving to scratch his jaw.
“I told you I’d give you your seventeenth present when I returned?
Well… this is it.” His voice was softer now, stripped of the cocky edge he usually wore.
The sobs caught in my throat. Because even if he hated me, even if this was another fleeting phase like with Zioh, for this moment…
something bright fluttered in me. Tomorrow or anytime, he could change and yell, declaring how much he hated me, but for now, at this moment, I felt like my old self with my best friend, Zeraiah.
Even though a strange warmth pooled in my chest, I couldn’t decide how I should react in front of him. Would he give me venomous words, too, if I said the wrong thing or reacted the wrong way?
I bit my lip. I was… happy he was here, speaking to me again, keeping a small promise from the past.
Even if he no longer saw me as his friend.
Because Zeraiah had abandoned me, too.
Glancing at him, I swallowed down the lump in my throat, my fingers twisting in my lap. “Well… it took you ten years to return and give it,” I whispered, my voice hoarse.
I didn’t know why those words slipped out. I followed my heart, which hadn’t been steady for days. I reached out slowly, taking the box from him. My eyes lingered on it, leaving us both quiet again.
Zeraiah cleared his throat after a moment, and I could hear his feet shuffling against the floor.
I spoke first. “How are you, Zeraiah?” My voice cracked.
His gaze shifted to me, eyes shimmering with something painful. “Me?” He let out a dry laugh, lifting a shoulder. “Just… like the way you’re seeing me right now.” The emptiness in his voice sliced through me. So hollow and raw.
I stayed silent, and he looked at me again. “What about you?”
The question was simple, only three words. Yet I went silent, weighing it as if it were the most challenging exam question. What about me? What have I truly felt and lived through all these years? No answer came. But only one person had ever answered it for me.
I shrugged. “Your brother said my life is fine,” I replied, each word felt heavy, and I shouldn’t have said it because I regretted it the moment it left my mouth.
Zeraiah froze. His face unreadable, and my heart thudded. Damn me for saying that! What would he say?
Zeraiah only stayed quiet, and his eyes flickered. His mouth opened, but he paused, then closed it again.
He swallowed. “You know… Bib, Zioh—”
“It’s okay,” I cut in. My lips trembled as I searched for words. “I… I’m just done, Zer. I’m trying to be done. Okay?” The weight in my chest pressed harder as I forced the words out. “We’ve hurt each other for so long, and it’s enough now.”
Zeraiah’s eyes shook; he lowered his gaze and looked at his fidgeting fingers. “And how’s Bibu?” he asked as his voice grew lighter, even teasing. “I’ve seen him a few times, but he looks the same, doesn’t he?”
A small laugh escaped me. “Mas Bibu will always be Mas Bibu,” I said, and we both fell silent again.
I shifted, foot tapping against the floor, and the scrape of the ice skate felt sharp in my ears. There was something I’d wanted to say for years, something I’d never had the chance to voice. If I didn’t speak now, I might never get another chance.
Biting my inner lip, I lowered my head and twisted my fingers until they hurt. “I… I’m so sorry.” My throat felt thick. My eyes burned, threatening tears to fall. “I-I’m so sorry about what happened to Mama—” I faltered, shaking my head. “I mean… to Aunt Nadine.”
Voicing it after years of being caged in the deepest part of me made me let out a long breath. It felt like standing on the edge, bracing myself for how the man next to me would respond.
Just as I feared, Zeraiah’s body stiffened, and he turned his gaze away.
Silence stretched before he finally nodded, curt, restrained.
When he looked back at me, his emerald eyes were softer, weighted with sorrow.
“I’ve always felt more comfortable and more open with you, Bib,” he admitted, his voice trembling.
“Even more than with Zioh or Bibu.” He shrugged.
“I feel like Tsabinu and Zioh have always been closer. Even closer to Zioh than I ever was. Did you ever notice that?”
I nodded. Of course. The bond between them had always been visible. Tsabinu understood Zioh in a way no one else could. His pride, his silence, his cold, steady nature. Tsabinu grasped all of it.
Zeraiah sighed, shaking his head with a faint huff.
“Sometimes I felt like there were things Zioh could only tell Bibu, and watching how Bibu handled it all made me feel as if he wasn’t even human.
” He smiled. “A freakishly noble robot, our highness.” He gave me a dry laugh.
“Tsabinu, tough on the outside and tough on the inside. Like he’s got no feelings at all. ”
Highness…
I let out a small laugh.
Hearing him use the old pet name he gave for Tsabinu warmed me, proof that not everything had been lost, that he hadn’t erased us completely.
I knew Tsabinu was the most accepting among us, but I also knew he bore the heaviest weight of pain.
Zeraiah’s voice softened again. “For ten years… sometimes I wanted to reply to your messages.” A genuine smile crossed his face.
“Especially those five years when you kept flooding my inbox with emails.” He looked at me again.
“Thanks for all the snacks.” His eyes glistened, and I noticed the way his words wavered. “For everything you sent.”
I nodded, my own eyes wet. There were so many things I wanted to ask, but I stayed quiet, giving him space.
“But… I…” He faltered, his hands gripping his pants as his legs bounced. His eyes were red now, and his voice shaking. “It’s not easy, Bib. Especially after M-Mum…”
He swallowed hard. “I don’t even know who I am anymore.” He whispered, and his gaze lifted as tears brimmed.
He took a deep breath. Exhaled. His voice cracked. “Everyone I loved… betrayed me.”
“Zer, I—”
“I tried to come home,” he cut in, his voice lowered. “I did. But...”
He looked away, keeping his eyes fixed on the ice-skating rink. My heart clenched at the sight of him like this, and I couldn’t stop myself when I reached for his hands and clutched them.
His hands trembled, just as his voice did. “That house. This city. This place. They’re full, Bib.” He turned to look at me, his eyes shining with tears. “Full of Mum, full of us.” He shook his head. “I… I can’t. And I can’t leave Zioh either.” His breathing quickened. “He’s a…”
My eyes searched his, trembling. What happened between them in the UK? What was it? But Mas Zaeem always said they were fine.
“I can’t, Bib,” he sobbed. “I tried to run away. But at the same time, I needed you guys.”
“Zer—”
“I trusted him, Bib.” He stopped for a second, his jaw tightened. “Dad.” His words were sharp, poisoned with pain.
His body shook harder, and I squeezed his hands tighter. “I always said I’d be like him. But… shit, Bib—” Zeraiah shook his head, his voice tumbling out in a rush, torn apart. “Is he even my dad? I don’t know him. How could he do that—?”
“Zeraiah?”
The voice in front of us made us both jolt. Quickly, Zeraiah released my hands and pushed up his glasses, scrubbing at his face.
Andi had returned, standing before us, confusion written all over his face. His brow shot up as he pointed at the two of us. “What the hell is going on here?”
Zeraiah’s face smoothed back to calm, his voice steady again. “I saw you two skating,” he said, his voice hoarse. “And I wanted to talk to Tshabina. Alone.”
Andi frowned, clearly unconvinced. He kept flicking glances at me, silently demanding an explanation.
Zeraiah exhaled, then turned to me. “I’ve gotta go,” he said, starting to rise.
My heartbeat sped up at the sight of it, so I grabbed his hand. “Zer, wait!” My mind spiraled into countless scenarios and assumptions, stealing the air from my lungs. What if this was the last time, and he disappeared? Would he leave me, abandon me again?
I even had to make sure he wasn’t mad at me. “Zer, I—”
“I’ll call you,” he interrupted, his gaze piercing mine. “I promise.”
I stiffened, then gave him a slight nod, loosening my grip. He gave me the faintest smile and walked away, leaving Andi and me behind. I watched his back retreat into the crowd, and I could feel my chest hollow.
Please, Zer…
“Okay…? What the hell was that?” Andi’s voice snapped me back, suspicious and sharp.
I exhaled, lowering my head.
Quickly unlacing my skates, I stood and walked away without answering.
“Hey!” Andi’s voice chased after me. “Tell me! How many times do I have to say, stop with that fucking silent treatment!” But I kept walking. “Tshabina Putri Sophia!”