Chapter 50
Zioh
After cleaning myself and trying to calm down, I stepped out of the room I’d been using. As I came out, the light in one of the rooms was still on—Tshabina hadn’t gone to sleep yet.
If I were her, I wouldn’t be able to sleep either.
In truth, I hadn’t had a proper night’s sleep since I returned to Indonesia. Every night, I would wake up drenched in sweat, my breath ragged, haunted by nightmares that refused to let me go.
The only peaceful sleep since arriving here was when Tshabina was with me, at my side, and holding me close.
That was why, after what happened, my instincts begged, my entire being cried out, everything inside me roared for her to stay with me tonight.
If possible, always. Even though it’d also make me feel… quieter inside.
I strolled through the common space. It was dark, all the lights switched off, leaving only the faint glow from the windows to reveal the city beyond. It felt dark, empty, and hollow—feelings that had become far too familiar.
I stopped before the tall, expansive windows that were thrown open. From this height, the city stretched beneath me, and every time I looked down, my chest grew loud and heavy.
If only the window could open up, and you could end everything.
I clenched my fists tight, my breath turning shallow, but the sound of a door opening behind me pulled me back. I immediately caught her scent—sweet and warm—and at once, the air around me shifted.
Tshabina’s footsteps drew closer. I didn’t need to turn to know it was her.
“Zioh...?” Her soft voice called, barely more than a whisper. The way she said my name was like a lullaby in my ears. I turned and looked at her. Her hazel eyes shone warm and clear even in the dark. She watched me, almost trembling.
I held her gaze across the distance that separated us. “Do you remember what happened in the shower that time?” My voice was hoarse, and her expression suddenly became careful.
No, don’t.
I kept staring straight at her while she remained silent. “I told you it was therapy, but I never explained it further.”
You’d regret this. Especially her—
Especially her.
She deserved more.
Looking at her, I let myself take in her beauty and warmth. She didn’t speak, didn’t look away, as if urging me to keep going. To finally let her in.
“I’ve been on medicine and therapy…” My throat burned as the words escaped, but I knew Tshabina heard me, because her body went rigid.
She wouldn’t see you the same. I clenched my palms, trying to steady my breath and fighting the surge of darkness clawing inside me.
My body trembled as I dragged my gaze away—she deserved this. My gaze locked onto hers again. “I tried,” I said, my voice breaking. I shook my head, forcing the words out once more. “I tried.” My voice cracked, trembling as I watched her step closer. “But… it didn’t work.”
I loathed showing her this side of me.
Not the Zioh she once knew.
Not her hero.
Only a man who can lose control in a heartbeat… and I was terrified that the worst part of me would reach her again.
My jaw ached as she drew nearer. My tongue felt numb, barely able to move, until her eyes caught mine again. When she touched the deep part of me, I knew I could go on. “And… I met that girl.” I swallowed hard. “Cindy—” The name slipped out, trembling, “When I was trying to recover.”
Tshabina stood right before me, her soft gaze raised to mine, coaxing me to step inside her calm and breathe again.
I shouldn’t need you this much, but I did.
She flinched at the name but stayed silent, letting me continue. Her eyes remained fixed on me. “There’s so much you don’t know, Tshabina. But if I had to put it in words…” My knuckles whitened from the pressure in my fists, pain leaking out through my eyes. “I’m sick, baby.”
Her body shivered. She reached for my clenched hands and gently stroked them. Her breath trembled as she licked her lips, her gaze anchoring into mine. “What happened to you, Zioh?” Her voice quivered, her tears streaming. “Sick… how?”
My body shook, and I stood there, unsure whether to run or stay. “Something that changed me,” was all I could say.
Her sob broke the air. “Did anyone know?” She shook her head in disbelief, her tears pooling. “Mas… Bibu?”
I shook my head. “My family,” I answered. My throat was tight as I swallowed hard. “And now you.”
Tshabina wiped her tears, shaking before me. I’d unsettled her again, hurt her again. I broke my promise to her fucking again.
She met my eyes once more, still wet with tears. “Is it bad?” Her voice shook.
Holding her gaze for a long moment, I raised my hand to wipe her tears, but it lingered in the air, shaking, and then dropped back to my side. “Yes. It makes me hate you.”
Her sobs deepened, and I pulled her into me, making her cries muffled into my chest. My hands shook as I cradled her head against me, letting my pillar lean on me instead.
Please… what should I do?
The thought that I might do it again felt enough to stop my heart.
“You want me to talk? Now I talk,” I said, pain heavy in my chest. Wringing out every shred of strength left in me. “I’m not your Zioh, Tshabina.” My voice broke. “The one who kept you safe, did what you wanted, cooked your favourite food, stayed with you, taught you things, made you happy.”
My breath stuttered, sobs tearing from my lungs. “I’m not your hero anymore.”
Tshabina trembled harder, crying into me. “Zioh…”
I held her tighter, burying my head in the curve of her neck and inhaling her warmth, clinging to her presence. “Not until I’ve found a way out of this darkness, Tshabina,” I rasped, firm despite the break in my voice.
“Find a way to see you the way you are again.”
Open your eyes. She is a traitor.
Drawing back, I searched her with my eyes, letting my resolve speak through them. “I’ll come back to you.”
“Zi—”
“I know it’s much to ask… But please trust me.” I pleaded, gripping her shoulders with my shaky hands. “Wait for me, Tshabina. I’ll find a way… I will heal, I promise.”
Even if it took crossing every line.
Even against my father and Cindy.
With or without my brothers.
This time, I’d keep my promise.
I’d return to her whole.
I pulled something from my wallet. My hands trembled as I opened it and showed her the broken object.
Tshabina’s eyes widened, her shoulders trembling as her sobs swelled.
She looked from the object back to me, her eyes brimming.
“Since I was four, seeing you beam and bounce around in your pink dress,” I said, holding her gaze.
“I knew my heart would always belong to you.”
I cupped her face, needing to touch her to make her hear me. “I don’t know how to be anything but yours, baby.” I poured my heart out and pressed my lips to hers. I whispered against our lips, “Only for you and only you.”
? ── * ── ?
Dawn had broken, and now we were soaking together in the bathtub. I washed her hair while she sat across my lap, rinsing out the foam until the beautiful black of her hair showed again. Our lips kept finding each other—over and over, nothing could ever be enough.
Her warm body rested against mine in the steaming water, and she hummed under her breath. However, I couldn’t resist pressing kisses to her neck, cheek, forehead, and lips—slow and deliberate, nothing wasted.
Peace surrounded us, and we surrendered to it together. Her calm voice drifted to me as I ran the sponge down her back. “Can I ask a question?”
I smiled, brushing my hand along her shoulder before kissing it. “You can ask anything.” I wasn’t sure I could answer everything yet—but I would one day, love.
She hummed again, then spoke without turning her head. “If you could choose one One Direction song that makes you remember me the most, which one would it be?”
I laughed. Clever girl. Such a gentle way to open up a conversation—she was always so gifted at that. A melody from the back of my mind surged to the surface. The one that had always lingered in my heart. “Strong,” I murmured.
She tilted her head, her brow arching.
I smiled. “Every time I hear it,” and I had, countless times these past years, on repeat, “it’s only your face I see.”
Tshabina’s smile softened, her eyes glistening beautifully. “You still remember?”
I kissed her cheek until it gleamed. “I still remember?” I whispered in her ear. “How could I ever forget you, Tshabina?” For the past ten years, the only thing that has kept me here has been the memory of you.
Her smile widened, radiant, too beautiful not to kiss. I gently kissed that beauty, and she turned her gaze forward again.
Her soft voice returned, quieter this time, almost cautious. “When I came to your penthouse… I saw them.” She flicked a glance my way. “The sketches of you. And of me.” Her eyes lingered on mine. “The ones you drew of me.”
Her voice trembled. “Out of all those people you sketched, only mine had color. Why?”
Because you are, I answered in a way she couldn’t hear it.
I held her gaze, silent. Then I leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to her forehead.
She searched my eyes. “Does that mean I have to wait until you’re ready to tell me?” she asked with a faint smile. Such an angel, my beautiful goddess. Then, teasing: “Another mission for me?”
I smiled. How could I ever deserve you?
Cupping her neck, I drew her mouth to mine. I kissed her, tasting her sweetness and warmth, letting everything I felt pour into the kiss. My hand brushed her again, caressing, loving her, trying to fill the void I had failed to fill for so long, until her soft breath filled the air.
I glanced at the clock—already half past four. Once I’d finished bathing her, I told her to wait in the tub while I changed the sheets and tidied the chaos we’d left behind. I called for new linens and phoned Natasha to bring some of Tshabina’s necessities.
When I returned, she had fallen asleep in the bath. I crouched beside her, drying her body with a towel, and when I brushed over her neck, a quiet whimper slipped from her lips, and my heart clenched.
I had never laid eyes on a more perfect creation.
I knew her Creator had been smiling when He made her. I could only pray that He would bless me to keep her and stay by her side. Only for me.
But thinking back to everything I’d done to her—the previous dawns, the pain I’d dragged her into with my ruin. That all made me suffer, and cut straight through me.
“I will make it right, baby.” I wrapped the towel tighter around her. “Starting now.”
Once she was dry, I lifted her, not wanting to wake her.
I carried her out of the bathroom and laid her on the fresh bed.
Gently, I pulled the blanket over her, cocooning her until she curled up like a baby.
I adjusted the pillow under her head until she looked utterly at peace. Then I sat beside her.
Watching her.
I brushed my hand across her cheek, tracing the beauty of her face. Her olive skin, long dark hair, and hazel eyes closed in rest, her delicate nose, the dimple hiding at the corner of her smile—every detail mesmerising. Even though she had grown taller, she was still so small, so precious.
I kissed her forehead and reached for the tote bags Natasha and the staff had brought earlier. Inside were fresh clothes for Tshabina, underwear, a hair dryer, and a whole collection of skincare products. Natasha had insisted, because apparently, those things were life and death for women.
Taking the hair dryer, I sat at her side and plugged it in.
As it whirred to life, Tshabina stirred, curling up with a faint groan.
I whispered against her ear, brushing my lips against it.
“Shh, I’m sorry, but you’ll get sick if you sleep with wet hair.
” I waited for her reaction, and she didn’t open her eyes, only squeezed them tighter.
I smiled, drying her hair until it was warm and fluffy.
Then I turned to the other items. Skincare, fresh clothes, underwear—I sighed. “I’d wake her if I tried to dress her now…” So I set them aside and looked at the skincare bottles instead. There were too many, and I had no idea what they were for.
I studied them one by one, frowning over the labels.
Behind me, Tshabina murmured in her sleep, and I glanced back.
“Tshabina?” I whispered, and she shifted.
“I’ve got skincare here… are you awake? I need you to tell me the order for using them.
” Nothing, so I tried again, softer. “Baby?” She was still asleep, and a helpless smile curved at my lips.
Pulling out my phone, I took photos of each bottle and searched for the order. Once I’d figured it out, I sat down again and gently applied each product to her face as the instructions said.
I smoothed the cream across her cheeks and drank in her calm expression. Watching her peace made me feel it too, and only Tshabina had that power.
My chest tightened—sharp and heavy. I had broken my promises. I hadn’t been her first passenger when she got her licence, hadn’t treated her like I vowed, or even kept those New Year’s promises.
My fingers trembled against her cheeks.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “Many of my promises failed.” My words came out weak and pained, because I knew. I would never know if those would be the only ones, or if more would come.
I looked at her, and heat rose in my eyes. I brushed her cheek, trying to gather as much as I could from the sight before me. “But I’m glad you got what you wanted in the end…” A tear fell from my eye onto her cheek. “Even without me.”
I leaned down, brushing my lips against hers. “I pray that from here on, it’ll be with me, baby.” I breathed the words against her lips.
“To fulfil all your wishes, your dreams, and my promises.”
The ones I gave you and the ones you gave me.