Chapter 15 Talon
Talon
Sawyer staggered under the weight of the bag of rocks, hobbling up the hill at the beginning of the running trail, and my shadow writhed under my skin, restless and angry.
Its emotions match my own, along with a deep, seething frustration because I wasn’t doing anything. And unless I abandoned my position as a captain of the Black Guard, there wasn’t anything I could do.
I knew it would take more than a few days for the boy to recover from running the trail for most of a bell, but it still made me furious to watch him struggle, especially since I knew his punishment hadn’t been deserved.
It had been a miracle my shadow had remained hidden within me all through training today — something I hadn’t had to worry about before Sawyer Herstind had stumbled into my life — but no matter how hard I fought to concentrate, I’d still been unable to stop looking at him.
Quill had taken the inexperienced novices through sword drills, and I’d barely paid attention, my anger growing as I watched the other experienced novices talk and engage with each other as they sparred until they’d partnered with Sawyer. Then they were cold, no words, no acknowledgment.
And when he’d sparred with Hamelin—
I clenched my jaw as my shadow billowed within me.
Hamelin had been an experienced soldier before he’d become a guardsman, and it had been clear he’d been striking Sawyer harder than necessary.
He had to have known better. He’d likely sparred countless times before.
Except Rider hadn’t said anything, just let the large man bash at the boy who was dodging but was moving with half the speed and grace he usually did.
Not that Rider could say anything without making it look like he was favoring Sawyer, but still— Sawyer had looked so small, so fragile against the larger more experienced swordsman, and everything within me, along with my shadow, had screamed that I needed to protect him.
Except even though I didn’t know Sawyer very well, I knew enough that he probably wouldn’t have welcomed my interference.
Which only made me angrier.
“Sawyer will be all right,” Quill said, his tone placating, setting me even more on edge as he opened one of the sacks for the practice blades and started shoving them in.
Rider huffed. “I don’t like the way he’s moving.”
“You don’t, do you?” I snapped before I could stop myself. “And whose fault is that?”
Rider’s gaze jumped to mine, his expression dark and filled with just as much frustration — and was that guilt? — as I felt. “It’s my fault.”
“Hey.” Quill shoved the sack of practice blades at me, forcing me to take hold before he turned to the second one. “It couldn’t be helped. We had to maintain order, and it hasn’t broken his spirit. This will make him stronger.”
“It sure as hell could have been helped,” I shot back.
Rider winced, confirming the guilt I’d seen in his eyes.
Jeez. What the hell was wrong with me? Rider was already beating himself up for making the boy run for so long. I didn’t need to rub it in.
Except I knew what was wrong. I was losing my mind. My shadow was stronger than ever, barely contained under my skin, and there was something about Sawyer that drove it crazy.
My allure had even slipped out, and from the way Sawyer had tensed when he’d glanced in my direction, it had clearly affected him.
My shadow had pulled back the instant it realized what had happened, which was strange, not because my allure had slipped out, but because my shadow’s hunger was growing again and it had never pulled back before. Never shown restraint when it was starving.
It had been days since it had last fed. It would need to feed soon.
And it wanted Sawyer again.
On top of that, I had to convince the High Priestess I was courting the new arrival, Sage, while somehow keeping her at enough of a distance that the Goddess didn’t bind our souls together before I could figure out how to get out of the forced courtship.
And I felt disgusting after my performance last night.
Even though her mating marks were asleep, I didn’t trust that the Goddess wouldn’t find a way to make us mates, and that couldn’t happen.
I also couldn’t afford for the High Priestess to kill me or lock me up, but there was a way out of Her Brilliance’s demands and there wasn’t one out of a mating bond.
So I’d taken a risk. Given what Ash had said about how shy Sage was, I’d guess that if I pulled out all of my charm, she’d be wary instead of attracted. And she had been.
The memory of the suspicion filling her emerald eyes made my stomach churn. I didn’t want her to doubt me. I wanted her to trust me, especially since I knew there were so few in the Garden she could trust right now.
But I couldn’t have a mate. Ever.
Unless it was Quill.
And that was never going to be, because I’d never force him to give up his dreams of being mated to a woman and having a family.
“I talked with Ash last night,” Quill said as he put the rest of the practice weapons into the second sack. “He says the plan is to shun Sawyer. Interact with him as little as possible.”
“At least that’s better than attacking him every day,” I said, my attention jerking back to my anger over the boy.
Rider took the sack from Quill and growled, his wolf so close to the surface I was surprised he wasn’t growing fur on his hands and arms. “That won’t make him a guardsman.”
It wouldn’t. Being a guardsman meant being part of a team. Guardsmen needed to rely on each other and work together, or someone died. If the other guardsmen were pretending Sawyer didn’t exist, then there was no one watching his back.
“It’s only been one rotation,” Quill said. “They’ll warm up to him eventually.”
Except would that “eventually” come before or after someone got seriously hurt?
Rider shifted the sack on his shoulder and fell into step beside me as I headed toward the barracks.
“Still can’t believe you volunteered for tonight,” I said.
He grunted.
“A hundred years of avoiding women, and now you’re volunteering to watch over a stranger.” I shook my head. “Bold move.”
“She needs protection.” The words came out clipped, defensive.
“Right.” I let that hang between us, watching the tension creep into his jaw.
He glared at me. “Don’t.”
“Sure.” I raised my hands in surrender but couldn’t stop wondering if he felt the same pull to her that I did.
It certainly looked like his wolf was interested given how he’d almost ripped West’s throat out for refusing us entry into Sage’s suite.
I might not want a mate, but I couldn’t deny there was something about her. That and my shadow was determined to protect her.
“Careful,” I said. “Keep this up and people might think you’ve gone soft.”
“That so?” His jaw tightened. “Then what’s your excuse?”
Well, shit. I’d handed that to him on a platter, and I couldn’t even defend myself. No way was I telling him, or anyone, that the High Priestess had ordered me to court Sage. I’d find a way out of that mess soon, and no one needed to know about it.
“So…” Quill cleared his throat. “Any news on the investigation?”
Rider’s jaw tightened. “Still nothing.”
Which meant Sage was still in danger, and the only thing we could do was wait by her side and hope one of us along with West would be enough… if we could even trust West.