Chapter 35
Sage
Three days later, I lay in my narrow, slightly lumpy bed in the Black Tower, listening to the men in the hall hurrying down to breakfast or the bathhouse in the Tower’s basement to start their day.
Last night’s suitor audience had been awful.
He hadn’t stopped talking about himself as if his life as Lord Treasurer for Her Brilliance was worthy of a minstrel’s tale.
And while his title sounded impressive, the details of his employment were all dry ledgers and financial audits, and I’d prayed even before we’d gotten to the halfway mark of the meeting that I’d stop manifesting and my spirit would return to my body.
That had only been marginally better than the night before with Cobalt. He’d been angry that Sir Yarrow had taken his original day — despite my meeting with Yarrow being anything but pleasant or planned or anything else.
Cobalt had insisted on sitting on the couch in front of the hearth, not taking the hint when I’d sat in the highbacked chair against the far wall.
My insides had twisted tighter and tighter as the night went on, with everything inside me screaming that I needed to be polite, needed to appease him. Any human man would have been furious. Edred would have stormed over, hauled me from the chair, and dragged me back to the couch.
But it wasn’t the human realm, and Zinnia had assured me I could stand my ground. So, I’d gritted my teeth and refused to move, making for a strange, awkward audience that I prayed frustrated Cobalt enough for him to give up on me.
I only had seven more suitors to meet with and then—
I had no idea what. I doubted the High Priestess would just give up on me.
She was too interested in playing her games, and I was trapped because Crane and the three— well, I guessed now it was the other two men who’d escaped Lords Rider, Talon, Quill, and Ash since Sir Yarrow had said he’d captured Addax were still out there.
Father. It wouldn’t surprise me if the High Priestess insisted I continue these audiences and meet with her prospective suitors multiple times.
And then there was the ball happening tonight.
The thought sent a cold shiver down my spine.
At least with these private audiences, I only had to face one man at a time with Rider, Talon, or Quill and Sir West watching over me.
At the ball, I’d be surrounded by the entire court — every unmated male who thought they had a chance, every courtier curious about the newcomer, and Father forbid, Crane lurking in some shadow, watching, waiting.
If he’d been bold enough to appear at my private suitor audience from a few days ago, what would stop him from attending a crowded ball where he could blend into the masses?
The ball would be the worst. Standing in some grand ballroom, exposed, with nowhere to run and every eye on me.
It didn’t matter that I was sure Lords Rider, Quill, and Talon would all be there. I didn’t want to keep playing her games.
But I didn’t have a choice, not until I figured out how to stop manifesting in the Garden.
I rubbed my face and groaned. I was tired of just surviving, playing along with the High Priestess, keeping my head down and doing my work as a guardsman. It was just like my life before Sawyer and I fled Herstind March. It was endless, exhausting, and frustrating.
Except it wasn’t.
As much as I’d been keeping my head down, grateful that the other guardsmen had decided I was more or less invisible, I kind of liked life in the Black Tower.
Sure, at times it was hard work, but I wasn’t constantly afraid like I’d been after Edred had become my stepfather.
And if I didn’t think too hard about the kind of trouble Sawyer could get into by himself as he fled the Five Great Kingdoms and trusted the Great Father to keep him safe — or thought too hard about the fact that everything would eventually come tumbling down because someone would discover my secret — things were actually better than they were before. A lot better.
And with yesterday being the last day of my second rotation, today was officially my first of two lieu days.
I felt great… if I didn’t think too hard about the fact that I was going to have to face the High Priestess’s entire court by the evening.
Except, I had no idea what I was going to do. I couldn’t catch up on sleep since I couldn’t risk returning to the Garden, and I didn’t want to join the other novices in Lehyrst. That was still too risky.
While the other novices might have decided my new punishment was to ignore me, I didn’t want to push my luck and make them think I was doing something I didn’t deserve. And leaving the Gray was definitely something I didn’t deserve.
With a sigh, I got up, wiped myself down using the pump and basin in my room, and headed to the great hall for breakfast. After breakfast, I’d visit Kit and Payne in the infirmary. They’d at least be happy to see me.
My steps faltered. Kit wasn’t in the infirmary anymore. The day before yesterday, he’d been moved back to his suite to finish recovering. The worst of his injuries had healed enough that Reef decided he no longer needed to take up a bed in the infirmary.
Kit’s arm was still in a splint, and he wouldn’t be back on duty anytime soon, but he no longer needed to be monitored.
He’d mentioned just before he and Payne had left the infirmary, that there was a chance he’d get back into the field sooner than expected, but it all depended on what happened between then and the end of Reef’s rotation — which was in four more days.
If Reef had an excess of magic when his shift ended, he could use it to heal his broken arm. But that was only if there wasn’t anyone in more serious condition in the infirmary. The worst cases were healed first.
And all of that meant, I didn’t know if I could or should visit Kit in his suite.
I was sure he’d say it wasn’t a problem, but I doubted the other guardsmen would appreciate me wandering around the left wing where all the elite suites were.
Especially if my only goal was to go unnoticed for as long as possible.
With a sigh, I finished taking the stairs down to the great hall, stood in line for breakfast and was pointedly ignored by everyone while I made a sandwich, pocketed an orange, and returned to my room.
The hall outside my door was now quiet, and the weight of the silence pressed around me, making me acutely aware that I was surrounded by men but completely alone.
I shoved that thought aside, pocketed my orange rinds, and headed outside to dispose of them in the manure pile outside the Tower walls.
It was a bit of a walk, and it wasn’t necessary to go all the way out there, but I didn’t have anything else to do.
I didn’t have anyone to spar with, no one to chat with, no duty to do.
I supposed I could run the trail, but my body was still a little sore from two rotations of physical training that I wasn’t used to, and I figured I should probably give my muscles time to rest and recover for whatever the next rotation brought.
As I walked, my thoughts wandered from wondering what my chore for the next rotation would be, to if I could survive the upcoming ball, to what I’d do with my free evenings now that the basic classes on the Gray and the shadows were done — depending, of course, on the outcome tonight.
A part of me felt those lessons weren’t enough. Ten days for the duration of a single bell for lessons didn’t seem adequate. Sure, there were only a few categories of shadows and all we really needed was to know what to watch out for — like poisonous quills — or how to kill them.
More than half of us were only ever going to be regular guardsmen, which meant we did daytime patrols around the Tower and between the Tower and the gate, manned the walls, and ensured the Tower continued to function properly.
We didn’t need to know all the intricacies about shadow behaviors and habits.
And while I appreciated that the lessons were short and didn’t extend beyond a single rotation, since I always found it difficult to sit still for extended periods of time, I felt like I was missing details.
Which, as I’d already learned with my catastrophic entrance into the Gray, could be a serious problem.
If I’d known that the sun set earlier in the Gray— Hell, if I’d known I shouldn’t have entered the Gray at night, everything would have been different. I might not have been instantly despised by the other guardsmen.
I wasn’t going to be caught unaware again if I could help it, and since I couldn’t just ask all the questions I wanted to ask because there wasn’t anyone around and because I didn’t want to draw attention to myself, my best bet was to return to the library and see what I could find.