Him
Iknow the risk of sneaking around her when she recognizes me as me. Okay a part for me to be frank... But she recognizes this face and me being here can very well blow my cover. But I can’t just keep worrying about other things when all I am back here for is her.
She is hopping shopping with her friend, that one I recognize from her schooling times.
The jeans and tee combo with a pulsar from my old collection is a no show; that’ll manage to get me just as much attention as any ordinary bystander. And I can stare and follow her as much as I want with my sister gone for the next two hours. Good! Like old times...
I’ve done this so many times before in the past so many years of my obsession with her, it’s almost a practiced move now. The rules. Keep your distance. Don’t do anything to catch attention. Be alert for acquaintances. Try to keep moving or act busy to mix up with the crowd. And most important, don’t gawk at her with crazy eyes.
She’s looking like a piece of my favorite blueberry muffin in that blue churidar. The one time when her dupatta got stuck in the handle of the store glass doors, I suppressed the need to rush to her. My mind played an entire sequence where I could just pick her up in my arms and carry her back to my place and tie her with the damned dupatta and do what the brain down my pants wished to do with her. The way she brings out the worst in me and I fucking love everything about it.
She is picking up a ruby Ghaghara for the Navratri party Anu told me about. I denied to her invitation, even though I agreed on dropping her to the venue. And that’s all my little sister is supposed to know. Also, I don’t want her friends, especially a special few to know that I am back in the city even if it is for a few days; although I’m sure they’ll find that out.
I can’t understand why would you beg for a man’s attention even if the man is me. I mean have some sense of fucking self-respect.
My muffin is a perfect example of a dignified woman. She resents being disrespected and used even if she is afraid. I could clearly see her sweat drenched face, could clearly hear her muffled sobs while she gritted her teeth and typed those responses. Like she isn’t afraid of me, except that she is. Her adorable behavior tickles me so bad sometimes I want to pull her in a kiss to make her feel the way she acts, brave and confident.
I pretend to be on the phone at a close by café while the two of them get their things billed and leave. After exiting the store, she waits patiently on the walkway while her friend seems to be booking a cab for their way back home. Her eyes spark seeing something or someone; I hope it’s a something. I quickly follow to where she’s headed and position myself so I can see her clearly. She is looking at a shimmering piece of jewelry. Noted.
She leaves the piece in haste and returns as the cab approaches.
That’s the way she’s been always, just do what needs to be done and leave for home. Back into safety. Not from me however, I smile at the thought.
I’ll have to wait for another twenty-six hours to see her in the ruby lehnga that I’m planning to destroy; hope she would forgive me.
ANU AND I REACH HOMEto find the lights to the study downstairs shining dimly, and the need to run and lock myself in the room is too much; especially after last time. But I would do that again if I got the chance... and the worst part is that I don’t even remember him as my father; he’s just Mr. Anand Arora, unfortunately.
Guess, my terms with him have descended to a whole new low after I confessed my hatred towards him. But that was well needed...since the guilt that should be there is not just missing, it never really was there. Like he couldn’t give the basic respect my mother deserved after death. And we never found her body... His fucking mistake, two children could not see their mother for the last time.
It’s like rubbing my wounds raw, every time I see his face.
Unlike me, Anu seems happy to go see him whenever we are home. And he even acts like the innocent old man that he should have been, in front of my sister, who obviously doesn’t know shit. She doesn’t need to know shit, that’s something I promised after the episodes of horror that I underwent.
As a bonus, he was never what a father should be; not for me. Anu is cheerful girl; she gets happy on the smallest of superficial things. But I’m not na?ve; I know the intentions behind the basics that he did for us.
Sometimes the society is all that binds a family together, and we’ve been an example ever since Mom’s death. And undeniably, I’ve imagined how different life would have been if mom survived instead of Dad that day.
The more I think about what a horrible life he gave my mother, the more I lose my mind and my patience for the gray-haired wolf downstairs, sitting comfortably in the study she used to spend her days in.
I’ve been looking for evidence in the files on his computer for as long as I can remember. In fact, I first got into hacking solely because I wanted to dig up something, anything that could destroy him and land him in jail at the very least. But even after years of tracing his computers, cloud storages, bank accounts, phones and what not, I still haven’t been able to find anything solid against him; something good enough to sentence him for life. He may be a good man in the eyes of the world; the few that know what he truly is either love him too much or would do anything to destroy him.
The cleaning staff leaves at eleven; I need only ten minutes to scan and copy everything in my system; data files, passwords, data history, whatever could be of use. When I return back, I’ll have plenty of time to go through and compare the new additions.
Perhaps, this time I’ll find what I’ve been looking for.
MORNINGS IN MY PLACEare far better than here, for reasons of course. One of them being able to avoid seeing faces that I’d pay to ignore... Like my father’s, here.
He is sitting at the breakfast table when I arrive right before Anu rushes to take her favorite seat, “Like old times Nakul bhaiya...” She says exaggerating the end, laughing heartily like the little annoying monster she is.
“I didn’t see a name on that seat,” she laughs at the silly joke; and I can’t help but smile. At least someone is excited for breakfast.
I reach out to fill myself a cup of black coffee, before walking away. And just as I begin thinking that I might have escaped the ordeal to hold even a second of eye contact with him, he calls me out.
“Have your breakfast first, Naksh.” The order comes loud and clear, silencing any chuckles or smiles.
Wish someone could explain it to me why he still treats me like a little boy who can be bullied.
“I have work to wind up, will have it later.” I say stoically, avoiding his gaze.
“Work can wait. Sit with us... for ten minutes.”
My instincts point to a possible suspicion, because he sure shouldn’t want to talk to me. I sigh before pulling a chair exactly on the other end to his, spilling a little coffee from the harsh placement.
The silence speaks for itself for a few minutes before it is broken by Anu’s about Surat. She seems to love her life over there. They chat for about fifteen minutes during which she keeps telling how their business is doing great.
And the fact that she ended with a man who values her more than his money, his reputation, or his business, unlike Mr. Arora here; it’s like a reassurance that she won’t end up like my mother.
His dirty business!I stare at my deceased mother’s husband drinking his tea unwearied, gritting my teeth.
Control takes me over right before he turns towards me and I change my expression to a more suitable one for a morning breakfast talk. “What about you Nakul? How’s your work life?” Down goes another conversation.
I reply in the coldest possible tone, solely because I know where this is heading. “Fine. Good in fact. I’ve been promoted to chief developer for our team last month.” For the cover-up company that I created while shifting out from here.
“What about your future? Have you thought anything about it...”
“What are you talking about?” I act clueless.
“Don’t you want to settle down like your sister?” Just what I needed to screw up my morning mood.
“I haven’t thought about it.” The need to get up and walk away before this conversation takes a wrong turn is so intense at this point. Don’t want to destroy my mood, especially today.
“How many times are you going to run away from the obvious. You will have to eventually take over everything. I am in no shape to keep continuing... sooner or later you have to take my place. I don’t understand when will you start taking the responsibilities meant for you to take.”
And you speak as though it’s my fault that your business is not worth taking over.
But it’s the poison he cooked specially for me all these months, proving my decision to not come home absolutely right.
“Maya and I, we built this for you take over one day. And all you’ve been doing is being an ignorant child to push all the burden on me.” God, I hate my mother’s name on his dirty tongue.
His brows furrowing further as he continues spewing, “You will have to cooperate one day or another. All our business partners are inquisitive now; they have started suspecting that my heir’s not going to show up. How do you think that’s going to affect our company... our shares?”
“Which business partners are you talking about... Maybe, I could help you remember the reasons for my denial.” Perhaps, a monster you led into your own house and in your own fucking life.
“Naksh, you don’t want to go there... Why are you running away and making things difficult.”
“I don’t run away... I won’t repeat the mistakes mom did; and I’m certainly not ending where she did.”
His face tells me he took the sarcasm. Good. It was customized for him.
He gets up and leaves after staring at me for a good two minutes; like his stare was going to burn through me.
Good thing now that I can execute my plan with even more interest; my inspiration – the little heart talk that we had this morning. Anu has planned for me to be her chauffer for the day, taking her to the party and although my mood is ruined for the day, it’s not enough of a reason to stop me from doing the things I need to do; or going the places I need to go, or meeting the people I need to meet.
The silver lining at the end of the day is my love. The most sinless and pure – only her.