12 – Not Being Enough Still Hurts.
Jessie
Water. I need water, Advil.
Maybe a bullet.
Fuck.
How much did I drink last night? It feels like a thousand suns burn through my window, searing my eyeballs and causing my skin to dry as I wake the morning after… well, after whatever the fuck happened last night. How did I get home? I vaguely remember soft auburn hair being tangled in my fingers in the back of an Uber. I somewhat recall Caleb, Ethan, Lucas, and I in a shout for shout after everyone else bailed. Except not everyone bailed. Casey, she was there. I don’t know what she was doing, but I remember her sitting on her phone in the corner for a while.
BANG BANG.
“No,” I barely get out. My throat feels like a desert as I try to throw a pillow on my head and ignore the knocking on my front door. I don’t care if it is a Tuesday. It isn’t my opening shift, anyway. I literally have nowhere to be until at least 11am.
“Go away.”
“Unlikely. OPEN UP!” Riley’s voice shouts from the other side.
“We brought goodies!” And that sounded an awful lot like Ava.
“Uncle JJ!” And that is my favorite six-year-old.
The sound of Mia’s voice pulls me from my bed. I throw on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that were folded over the reading chair–which I don’t remember laying out–and make my way to the door and open it. Mia runs straight into my legs and makes me almost lose my balance. “Hey, kiddo,” I grumble out, still trying to pull my eyelids open.
“Woah. What died in here?” Ava asks as she strolls in, followed by Riley and also Addison. My soul is what I don’t say.
“What are you three doing here on a Tuesday? And where is Ollie?” I try not to sound so inhospitable; I am trying to be more accessible as a brother, but I still would like to exist in my hangover alone for a while before they all start collectively breaking my balls.
“He’s with Matt. I needed a non-contact morning. If that kid bites my tit one more time, I’m going to scream.” A shiver rolls down my spine at the image of my six-month-old nephew breastfeeding. Instead, I ignore the comment and stand aside for them to pile into the apartment.
“I spoke to Ava this morning and told her about your rare moment of socialization last night. She got jealous and convinced us to go to brunch. Mimosa?” Addison explains on the way to the kitchen counter. The thought of more alcohol makes me queasy, and I shake my head while closing the door and picking up Mia. I walk her over to the couch with me and twist her to sit as I lay down. Hoping she just plays around me instead of expecting me to play with her. Addison busies herself at the kitchen counter before they all eventually follow me down to the couch. Mia flops onto her stomach on my chest and pulls absently at the hairs on my chin.
“So, how’d you get home?” Riley asks as she drops a coffee–thank the heavens–on the coffee table in front of me.
“No idea.”
“When did you leave?” Addison asks.
“No idea.”
“Is there anything you do remember?” Ava laughs and the three of them take a seat opposite me on the couch.
“Caleb buying Fireball shots. Ethan said something about me being cooler than Addison.” I give her a wink at her gasp. “Lucas just asked about Riley as a roommate.” I turn my head reluctantly and squint in Riley’s direction. “Think he might be worried you’re a slob.” I give her a teasing smile and she throws a pillow that I catch before it knocks Mia over.
“You stink, Uncle Jessie.”
I sigh heavily. “I know, kid, I know.”
Because I haven’t had a chance to shower and probably reek of whiskey and cinnamon. Can’t imagine that is a great combination of smells.
“Since when did you and Casey start hanging out?” That has my head snapping in Riley’s direction and my brain fog clearing. Maybe if she hears it from you, she’ll change her mind. The events of last night flood me like the worst bout of hang-xiety you could have.
Before I left the apartment on the way to Pucks last night, I was torturing myself with a scroll on the Instagram of Petit Délice. The French restaurant in the heart of Paris, of which had an announcement that their head Patisserie Chef was engaged, with a wedding in the summer. It felt like my whole world collapsed in on itself. Jenny and I hadn’t been together in over two years now, and yet it felt like she had left all over again.
‘You have no ambition. You can’t live your life surrounded by books, Jessie. One day, you’re going to have to grow up. I can’t live here anymore. I feel like I’m being suffocated. You suffocate me. Goodbye, Jessie.’
The words and all that they implied, all the damage they did, had swept through me like a hurricane. It threw off any goodness I had tried to do over the last couple of months. While I knew I wasn’t in love with Jenny anymore, it was a punch to the gut, leaving me feeling winded. The strong burn of those Fireball shots the only thing that seemed to make me feel lighter again. I guess she found someone who made her feel alive. She found and fell in love with someone else. Someone to spend her life with. And instead of me doing the same, I just continued doing everything she called me out for. I sat, stewed, and sulked in my own darkness and pity. Never moving on, giving up on hope, and telling myself I let the best thing in life go. I didn’t deserve a second chance. Not with her, not with anyone.
“JJ?” Ava’s concerned voice reminds me that I haven’t answered Riley’s question.
“Oh, she hosted her work thing at the café. And when Noah bailed on that self-defense thing last week, I helped her out. We aren’t hanging out; just a couple of chance encounters.” I swallow the acid that rises in my throat at the words. It feels like an understatement. I don’t mention the moments where it had felt like my heart was waking up from a deep slumber, or where she drove me so crazy I forgot how to behave like a gentleman. Completely ignore the fact I caught her crying and she let me stay and hang out with her. Leaving out the little fact that our grandfather’s ring that used to warm my pinky finger now sits on Casey’s thumb.
Platonic from the outside. Extremely confusing on the inside.
The damage of Jenny’s engagement makes it clear I’m in no position to be anything to anyone, though. I can’t get involved with Casey. As much as my dick really wants me to, my heart is ice. I don’t have the ability to give her the whirlwind romance she desires. Can’t give her love, I would only drag her down. Only bring her into my sadness, suffocate her like I almost did to Jenny, until all that sunshine was snuffed out. And I refuse to be the reason the world loses a star that shines as bright as she does.
“I’m glad you’re branching out. You could do with some friends,” Addison chimes in.
“Yeah, the guys weren’t too bad.”
“I told you they were great. You just have to get to know them,” Addison encourages.
“So, does that mean you’re, like, part of their group? Are you going to see them again?” Ava asks reluctantly.
“We aren’t like you women. We aren’t going to gush about a new friendship and braid each other’s hair, for fuck’s sake. I enjoyed a few whiskies with a couple of guys. If I see them again, I’ll join them for a beer, or I won’t. Who cares?” The three of them collectively eye roll and scoff at me and it makes me laugh. Mia flops around on my stomach, making an oomph leave from the way her elbows dig into my chest as she props her chin on her hands and stares into my eyes, the biggest grin on her face.
“Fuck’s sake,” she replies. Fuck.
“ Mia! We don’t say those words!” Ava chastises, but Mia ignores her.
“Do you have a girlfriend, Uncle Jessie?”
“I do not.”
“Why not?” Six-year-olds have no business asking such loaded questions. I tilt my head to look at the three stooges and see if I will get any assistance. Ava and Addison just laugh, but Riley gets that mischievous look in her eye and leans forward, pretending to whisper just for Mia.
“Because he is a big baby and is scared of girls.” I roll my eyes, but before I can correct her, Mia sits up abruptly.
“You’re scared of GIRLS!?” she shouts and starts laughing. That kid-cackle that makes everything in the room feel wholesome. “You can’t be scared of girls, Uncle Jessie!”
“Why not?”
“Because! We aren’t scary. We’re just smarter, silly.” Mia shakes her head and continues to giggle as I shoot a knowing look at Ava, who just shrugs and sips her coffee.
“She isn’t wrong.” Again, I roll my eyes because this is the worst hungover conversation I’ve ever had.
“I’m not scared of girls. I just keep my distance to avoid hurt feelings,” I mumble.
“Theirs… or yours?” That bucket of cold water, of course, is tossed by none other than Addison. The only person in the world to ever call me on my shit seriously. The other two poke fun, but Addison gets right in there and digs deep. It is both the thing I love about her and the thing that makes me burn with rage. I grunt and lift Mia to the ground before I stand.
“You’re all welcome to leave.” I try to push my way through the door and ignore the frown on Mia’s face as she climbs onto Ava’s lap–who makes no effort to leave.
Addison stands and I hear her trail behind me.
“Oh, no, you don’t. Don’t you lock yourself away again. We were just getting you back, Jessie. If hanging around Casey is what you need to bring you back to us, then good. If it’s the Monday night at Pucks with just the guys, great! But don’t you dare lock down because you think you don’t deserve joy. Because you’re afraid of feeling something again.”
“Jenny is engaged.” It comes out as a whisper, and the room goes deathly silent. I don’t know if it is the hangover or if it is the fact that I haven’t felt this close to my sisters in a while, but for some reason, my defenses drop and I turn. Riley and Addison share a similar look of pain and anger, while Ava just looks sad. The same kind of softness that makes me want to lock up and not feel. I don’t want their sympathy or their pity.
“Who cares about that bitch?” Riley’s words sound almost like a growl.
Jenny and I were what people donned high school sweethearts. We even made it through college, lived together, and were starting to plan our future together. Or at least that is what I thought we were doing. Jenny was applying for restaurants across the world, wanting to jet off and ‘explore herself’. The carefree, gorgeous brunette who coaxed me out of my introverted shell in high school, made me fall desperately in love with her, only to jet off and leave me behind, like it was nothing. Easy. I was just a dead weight she needed to drop in order to breathe.
“ Riley!” Ava hisses and pins her with a stare. It makes me laugh a bit, but then I look back to the blonde devil standing in front of me. Addison’s face scrunches into a scowl, her eyes searching mine, and I watch her go through about four different emotions as she wars internally on how to react. Curious to see how she tames her rage, I wait her out, letting her see into me, letting her know she doesn’t have to feel frightened of that anger. The same anger I learnt to burn and churn years ago. Finally, she closes her eyes and breathes out in a long breath before she just falls forward and wraps her arms around me tightly.
“I’m sorry.” The words sound like they reluctantly slip out of her, and it makes me smile wider. “She didn’t deserve you, anyway. But I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m sorry that you still love her.” I hold her tight for a moment and Riley and Ava share a knowing look behind us before Addison steps out of the embrace. “Do you want to talk about it?” I shake my head.
“You should talk about it.” Mother Ava to the rescue.
“I’m not still in love with her.”
“And I’m an otter who can’t swim,” Riley mutters, the rest of us turning in her direction. “What? I thought we were telling obvious lies?” She puts on a smile that is deceptively sweet, and I walk back to the couch.
“I’m not, though. It just… it was a surprise. I guess because I used to picture my future with her, I couldn’t see it with anyone else. It was her or there wasn’t one. I guess… she just didn’t feel the same way. But that’s part of moving on. I don’t love her anymore, but it doesn’t mean knowing I wasn’t enough doesn’t hurt.” I lean forward, my elbows on my knees, and head in my hands. The couch dips from either side of me as Riley and Addison lean into a hug. I’m enveloped by two of my sisters as Ava places Mia on the floor between my legs and she flops my hair around. “You’ll get there, Jessie. Just let people help you, or at least let us. We might be scary girls, but we know you better than anyone.” Ava has the same soft smile as mom and when I turn to look at Addison on my left she winks, then Riley, on my right, nods and pats me on the back.
“Our baby boy. Such a big softy under all that gwumpiness,” Riley says in a mocking baby voice. Right, that will do.
“Okay, we’re done now. You can leave. I need to… eat meat and lift weights or something.” The three of them laugh and I stand. They grab their stuff and head for the door. As they leave, Addison lingers and turns to me. “You’re going to be okay, Little Rogue.” She says it like she can predict the future, using our childhood nickname to send a pang of nostalgia straight to my heart.
“Thanks, Big Rascal.”