32 – You Are My Guiding Star
Jessie
“Wait, Jessie!” Casey’s voice calls after me, but the elevator doors close and I fall back against the wall as it takes me down. Rubbing the heel of my palms into my eyes and cursing myself.
“Fucking idiot!” Addison hasn’t a clue what she’s talking about. It sure as fuck wasn’t Casey’s heart torn from her chest. It was mine.
I know we hadn’t planned to see each other tonight. I just didn’t realize I was sharing her attention.
If I wasn’t enough for Jenny, why would I be enough for Casey?
Fucking. Idiot.
The Uber to my apartment was quick and a complete blur. I don’t remember what the driver looked like or really how I even got inside my apartment, but the walls feel entirely too close and the breath is scant in my lungs.
I pace the floor, not at all worried about the hole I’m possibly wearing into the boards, but ready to flip a table as rage and shame threaten to overtake me.
Anger at myself. I was such an idiot. I took too long. I pushed her away. Away and right into the arms of another man.
I might be a fool, but I was also delusional, like she was ever going to settle with the likes of me.
A normal man would have stayed and fought for her, told flashy-suit-guy to fuck off, that Casey was mine. But the way she looked up at him? The way she hugged him, the delicate smile she gave him, like his presence was precious. I couldn’t… pull her down into my darkness. If she shines brightly, is smiling and glowing, does it really matter whether it is for me or someone else? It should be enough that she is happy and taken care of.
But I’m a selfish bastard, and instead of being happy that she found someone to make her smile, I am fucking pissed! Livid that the future I was only just finally letting myself believe I deserved was snatched out of my hands. And I have no one to blame but myself.
Hope. Hope did this.
Well, hope can fuck right off.
A loud pounding on my door snaps me from pacing and the deep dive my thoughts are taking. I stare at the door, like I could suddenly gain x-ray vision and burn whoever stands there.
I’d rather fray my flesh alive than see a human right now. No doubt it is Addison, ready to berate me for not being at the house, but it is almost fucking midnight, and I am ready to fall into a fitful sleep before I drag my body to the cafe in the morning, make Betty her usual, and forget that these last couple of months ever happened.
The pounding comes again, but this time, the sweet-sounding voice that usually brings me calm shouts back at me, “Open up this damn door, Jessie Jenkins.” Like a pirate to his siren, I’m at the door and aggressively swinging it open to be met with eyes as angry as an ocean during a storm, the deep blue smoldering with a million unspoken words. I push away the feeling of the peace her presence brings me, that she is here, and instead embrace the fury, latching on to the only thing that is keeping me breathing in this moment.
“What the hell was that!?” she seethes. But I can’t find my words. Something like a grunt or a growl leaves my throat, and I just cross my arms.
She shakes her head, and her anger softens. Letting go of a breath, she drops her head before her rageful eyes turn sad and she looks up at me. “Why were you at my apartment, Jessie?” she whispers. I try to read her emotions. Try to find guilt or something, but I can’t. I only see sadness, and it aches. The pain of her misery feels like a heavy weight on my shoulders, and it makes me let go of the anger, allowing it to recede, and I drop my arms.
“I was there to see you,” I manage to croak out.
“And?” she pushes.
“What does it matter, Casey? You’re with Mr. Suit, right?” I couldn’t hide the pain from that statement if I tried.
“What—”
“Look, it doesn’t matter. I didn’t mean to interrupt. I’m sorry if that caused a problem or something.” I wave a hand at her and look past her face because I can’t bear to look into those blue eyes as she finally says goodbye to me. “I understand, really. But I don’t think we should keep doing whatever it is we’re doing here.” I claw back at my anger. Holding tight because my chest feels like it’s caving in, and when I finally look back at her face, she has a look I can’t quite make out. Confusion? Anger? Maybe it’s both.
“Hang on…” She holds up a finger, shaking her head. Then she does what I really had not expected. She buckles over, her hands landing on her knees. She is… laughing at me.
“Nicely done. I’m glad you stopped by. Have a nice night.” If she wanted to tear me to shreds, she didn’t have to also laugh at me.
“You wait a damn minute!” she shouts as she slams a hand to the door, stopping it from closing, and I seethe down at her.
“What now? Are you not done?” I growl.
“No! In fact, I’m only just getting started, you fucking caveman!” The fact Casey swore in anger is enough to shut me up. She mostly did that to stick a joke… or when I made her come.
She shoves at my chest, pushing me back into the apartment as she slams the door closed, stalking toward me.
“That was Connor at my door,” she clarifies, and my snarl only intensifies. “We are not back together, and you would have learned that had you not cracked a tantrum like a stupid child and stormed off!” Her tone vibrates with rage, and I try desperately not to rip the clothes from her body. Casey is soft, delicate, and so incredibly sexy in her femininity. But when she is flushed from her anger, growling and shouting her words at me with venom? She is something else entirely. She is… fucking otherworldly.
“Tell me, right now, what were you coming over for?” She thrusts a finger to my chest, churning in her anger with her jaw clenched tight, fists balled at her side.
Fuck, I like this side of Casey.
“What does it matter?” I throw back at her, a sneer on my face, as I try to get her to run back to Connor.
“You’re such an idiot, you know that?” she breathes, shaking her head again. “Do you know how tiring it is to be the one to give every fucking day?” Pain shoots up my spine at the accusation.
“Don’t give me that bullshit, Ace. It was never like that with us, not once, and you know that.”
“You’re right. To a point, it was never like that. Except then you’d go to tell me your feelings and push me away instead. But I never left you. I never walked away. I stayed. I gave you everything else instead, so you’d know that I was still here and that I was never fucking leaving you!” A stray tear races down her cheek and it has me dropping all defenses. I never like seeing her cry, and I hate it even more now that it is because of me.
“Well, stop dancing around my fucking feelings, Casey, and tell me something real. Stop pulling back, stop coddling me and behaving in a way you think is for me! Give me you! Tell me the things you want to say without thinking about my fucking feelings or my stupid head!” I punctuate with a fist to my chest, challenging her, staring down at her, encouraging her.
“You want something real?” she challenges back, as she leans in, her eyes brimming with tears full of passion and anger and pain.
“I’m in love with you.” She speaks clearly, and I feel my breath leave without returning.
“I’ve been in love with you since I was sixteen. I might have had boyfriends to fill the hole of loneliness, but it’s always been you. And these last few months I’ve been waiting.” She ends on a huge breath, her fire burning out as each word leaves those pretty pink lips. But my heart races. Rational thought evacuates my brain.
“Waiting for what?” I breathe.
“For you to let yourself finally feel something real. To see me! To want me! I told you, I’m tired, Jessie, and I am. I am so fucking tired of doing the fighting and never being fought for.” I really am a fucking idiot.
I take a step toward her and grip her chin, holding her in place as she tries to take a step away from me. She squeezes her eyes closed and a sob levels my soul as I wipe a tear from her cheeks.
“You want me to be real, too, sunshine?” She sobs, nodding, but her eyes still squeezed closed, leaking the evidence of her pain.
“I’m in love with you,” I whisper in her ear, and when I pull back, she snaps open her eyes, that little mouth open in an adorable look of shock.
My sunshine.
“You… love me?”
“I do. Have since you were twenty-one.” And will forever.
“Why’d you come to my apartment?” she questions again, but steps closer to me, our bodies now touching, and her gaze goes to my lips.
“To tell you those words, and a bunch of other things. To apologize for being a fucking fool. For taking so long, for pushing you away, for not claiming you sooner.”
“Tell me the other things. I want to hear all of them.”
“Casey Baker, you are my guiding star. You burn bright and have thawed my soul. You’re mine. I love you.”
She answers with another tear, but leaps at me, her arms wrapping tightly around my neck and legs wrapping around my waist as I grip her hips.
“Say it again,” she whispers against my lips.
“I love you,” I comply.
“No.” She pulls back, panting. “Not that part, the other part.” She bites her lip, and I tilt my head in confusion.
“I’m yours, Jess. Say it again.” It feels like my heart explodes out of my chest. I am so gone for this woman.
“You’re mine.” This time it comes out as a growl, and I fist her hair to slam her lips back on mine, turning to walk us to the bedroom. To claim her properly, make love to her, tell her all the things I’m finally ready to say, to make up for all the ways I’ve been a fucking coward when it comes to her. But before I can completely close the door, she pulls away and wriggles down my body.
“Wait.” She barely speaks as she runs from the room.
“Ace, what’s wrong?” Confused as to what is happening, I follow after her, a painful boner straining my pants, but my anxiety is eased as she turns and hits me with that stunning smile.
“I have a song for this moment.” Of course she does.
I playfully roll my eyes at her, and she bites her lip, pressing play on her phone connected to the speaker and then runs and leaps into my arms. The caveman in me growls at the image of Casey jumping into my arms like a starved animal. I catch her and hold her wrapped around my body as we wait for the song to play, and the moment it does, I throw my head back in a laugh. My chest grows three times its size, making even more room for Casey inside my heart.
“What do you think?” she teases and spears her fingers through my hair playfully as the beginning verse of Jessie’s Girl by Rick Springfield plays around us, my chest lighter and my smile easy.
“Jessie does have himself a girl, but no one is stealing you from me now, sunshine.” I pinch her ass and she giggles. I turn back and head straight for my room, and the song continues to play throughout the apartment.
When I take her lips again, she moans into the kiss, her lithe body searching for friction. Friction I’m desperate to deliver, but first…
“Why was Connor there?” I demand because while I hadn’t allowed myself to act jealous before, I sure as fuck am feeling it now. Her smile. Her embrace. At him.
Fuck, I’ll rip him apart.
She pulls back from the kiss and says, “He wanted me back.” She whispers it like its nothing and goes in for another kiss, but I throw her to the bed instead.
“What—”
“Talk. Now,” I demand and crawl over her. Pinning her hands above her head–Oh, would you look at that, her pony is tied with that pretty blue bow, how convenient. Reaching to tug the ribbon loose, I kiss down her neck and proceed to bind her wrists together with the delicate satin. “I’m waiting, Casey.”
“He… oh, god… He came to tell me he missed me.” I bite her collarbone, and her hips lift toward mine. I continue lower until my hands are pulling down her jeans.
“And?” The pants are discarded, and I focus my attention on her top, slowly lifting it up her torso.
“And that he had pulled himself together,” she breathes, practically panting. I wiggle her top over her head along with her bra, and she lay beneath me in a pair of black panties and nothing else. Fucking exquisite.
“Keep going, Casey,” I taunt her and she growls in protest.
“Later. Please. Touch me,” she begs, and I bite her hipbone in response.
“No answers, no orgasm.” Her head snaps up at me, her mouth agape, and I can’t help but steal it in a kiss. My tongue dancing with hers, her taste of wine and chocolate. Her moans that I swallow and the feel of her body beneath me. It takes every ounce of control to not forget my demand and just have my way with her. I pull away before I head down that road and move down her body, letting go of my grip on her still bound hands.
“Keep talking, sunshine.”
“Fine.” She moans. “He said he had spent this time, oh my god… cleaning himself up. Getting a job. God.” She struggles to string a sentence together as I leave delicate kisses on her inner thigh, breathing gently over the wet spot of her panties and biting the flesh only centimeters from where I’m dying to be buried.
“He… he said he knew I deserved better… ohmygodohmygod.” She pants harder as I slowly drag her panties down her thighs and discard them.
“That he wanted me back. He was ready to show me he could be a good boyfriend. Oh my god! Jessie. Please,” she begs, her sentences increasing in pace as she writhes below me.
“If only you could see how desperate you are for me right now, Ace.” I demonstrate by gently running a finger up her center, spreading her need everywhere, the sound of her bare and soaking pussy music to my ears as I bite down on the growl rising up my throat.
“You want to come, sunshine?” I taunt with a quick swipe of my tongue on her pussy. She nods frantically. “Then hurry up with the details.” She gasps when I bite her clit and lick her again, trying like hell to hold on to my control, get the answer I am looking for before I devour her.
“Okay, okay…” she breathes. “I told him I appreciated his effort—” She gasps as I slap her pussy. Not the answer I am looking for.
“Try again,” I growl.
“I said I wasn’t coming back. There was someone else, and we weren’t meant to be.” I reward her and myself by finally letting go. My mouth descends on her in a second, my tongue devouring her center and teasing that delicate bundle at her apex, feeling her squirm below me. She moans and tightens her thighs around my head.
Stuck between her thighs and unable to drag myself out, I mumble into her, “More, keep going.”
“I told him goodbye. That we were done. I hoped he found happiness, but I already had mine. That was why I hugged him.” She grips my hair to a point of pain and yanks me up from between her legs. Her eyes are misty, but full of desire, as she searches mine and pants, lips only inches from mine.
“I hugged him goodbye. I told him I was already in love with someone else and that I wasn’t coming back to him. My heart isn’t his. It never was. Jessie, I love you.” She drops a tear, but I seal her words with my lips, my pants gone, and my fingers find her center.
“I love you, sunshine. I’m never letting you go now. I can’t quit you.”
“You better not,” she teases as she kisses me again, her bound hands looping my neck, pulling at my hair, and snapping the last of my control.
“Do you want to come on my fingers, my tongue, or my cock?” I bite her jaw before pulling back to remove my shirt. When I look back down at her face, she pants, a mix of excitement and passion floods her eyes as she bites her lip.
“All three.”