34 – Why Am I Such a Mess?
Casey
“What are you reading?” Jessie asks quizzically, looking down at me, my head resting on his lap as he reads the paperback in his hand.
“Just a book.” I can’t help the giggle. I know he is only asking because I’ve been gasping, chuckling, and cooing at this book for the last twenty minutes.
“One of your dirty books?” he pushes, humor lighting his tone as he discards the book he seems no longer interested in.
“How dare you!” I gasp, feigning offense, slapping the book to my chest and looking up at those gorgeous eyes. A hand combing smoothly through my unbound hair as he holds my gaze. He truly is so perfect, with his gentle smile and handsome features. This afternoon we have spent peacefully together, my heart has never felt so full.
“Read me something.”
“Oh, no. God no. Jess, this isn’t some heart-breaking classic piece. I don’t think you want to hear it.” I laugh at him, picking the book up to continue when he snatches it from my hands.
“Hey!” I squeal, and he holds it above his head, a hand wrapping around my hips to hold me down and stop me from stealing it back.
His deep chuckle vibrates my body, and like it always seems to do, heat and desire pool in my lower belly, making me ache between my legs. When I have stopped squirming, he looks to the open pages where he holds the book above us and reads aloud, “‘ Well, it doesn’t matter if you see me or not. You’re going to feel every in—’ Jesus Christ, Ace, what are you reading?” His smile contradicts his scolding, and he starts to laugh as my cheeks heat and I raise my hands to cover my face, completely mortified, but still, he continues, “‘… inch of me. I’ll be so deep, you’ll be able to feel me in your fucking throat…’ ” When he pauses, I spread the fingers that cover my eyes to peek up at him and catch him still reading, his lips folded inside his mouth as he tries to smother a laugh, those stunning eyes sparkling with humor.
“Well, well, well. Casey Baker, you’re a dirty fucking girl.” He chuckles but continues to hold my book hostage. When I groan in protest and roll into his body, trying desperately to hide my mortification, I feel his arm drop the book and wrap around me, still trying his best not to laugh at my expense.
“Don’t go shy on me now, Ace. We’ve done things dirtier than these books.” He runs a finger across my cheek, and when I finally look back up at him, that devastating smile hits me in the chest again. Remembering said dirty things over the last week, spending that time practically hiding out at his apartment. I don’t want to hide what we are, but it all seems very new and I really love this new bubble of us.
Wanting to be closer, to get lost in those stunning eyes of his, I climb to a seated position and let him pull me into his lap, straddling him as we sit on the couch and scratching at the back of his neck.
“It doesn’t like… weird you out? Me reading that stuff?” I can’t help but admire the strong line of his neck as he throws his head back in a laugh. When he comes back to me, there is nothing but love in those eyes.
“Not in the slightest. Although, if you do need me to demonstrate my superiority over…” He trails off, raising an eyebrow,
“Baseball Daddy Kai,” I clarify with a wink and bite my lip.
He just rolls his eyes and continues, “If you need me to demonstrate my superiority over Baseball Daddy Kai, I have absolutely no trouble doing so.” He leans forward, both his hands palming my ass and grinding me into him, his lips hovering just above mine. “And I bet I could make you come way harder than he could.” He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and bites before he releases me. The moan from my throat is pure animal as I try to wrap my head around that offer.
“Umm…” I pant. “I also have no trouble with you doing so.” My words are barely louder than a whisper. His responding chuckle has warmth spreading low and the coil of desire twisting tighter.
“I guess it’s too bad, then,” he whispers just above my lips, his hands still massaging my ass, as I practically whimper and grind on him. Too distracted by his raw sex appeal to understand what he is saying.
“Hmm?”
“Well, you have work, and so do I.” He spanks me and lifts me off his lap.
“No fair!” I smack his chest as I climb off the couch, completely appalled by his audacity. I go to storm off to my room, but he grabs my elbow and pulls me against him, his fingers immediately down the front of my yoga pants, finding themselves inside my panties, as though the barriers of my clothing mean nothing.
“You really are a needy girl,” he states, leaning in to bite my neck. But the only thing I can do is pant as the evidence of my need soaks Jessie’s fingers.
“Fucking hell, Case, you’re right there, aren’t you? You’re going to come on my fingers right now.” He spears me, his palm aggressively rubbing me as his free hand spears into my hair, gripping me.
“Oh god, oh god, oh god!” I can barely catch my breath, not caring that I’m standing in my living room–thankfully with no roommates home–about to come on Jessie’s fingers.
“Good girl. Fuck, you’re so pretty when you come apart, just for me.” My head falls back, my knees buckling. Jessie’s strong arms wrap around me in time for the orgasm to hit me, and I practically scream his name as he finishes me off. “Nothing I love more than taking care of you, sunshine.” His gentle words and the caressing kiss he leaves on my lips in contradiction to the way he had me like putty in his hands. When he’s finished rubbing me through the waves of my orgasm, still holding me up, he pulls his hands from my tights, makes a show of licking his fingers, before he spanks me and whispers, “Now go get ready for work, we can finish this later.” Pulling away, he winks and heads for the bathroom, leaving me a gaping, boneless mess in the living room.
“Deep breath and relax,” I instruct my last class of the day. Thankfully, Elle offered to take my last two, so I will be able to leave just before dinnertime. Addy had messaged that she and Noah are coming to Pucks this time, and because it has been ages since I’ve had any sort of time with her, I’m excited to get the rest of the night off to hang out with our friends.
“Settle into your mind, allow yourself to track everywhere that your body is touching the ground, feel the sensation, exist in it, but then move to the next.” I walk them through the usual meditation for the end of the class, and just as I’m about to begin the individual muscle relaxation, a door to one of the studios–that I thought was empty–closes with a bang. I sit up quietly, trying desperately not to disturb the meditation. Making eyes with Elle, she nods, taking over the meditation as I head for the door.
Quietly closing the door to the studio, I head in the direction of the noise, but before I can round the corner, someone comes around and we run into each other.
“Grace?” I shake my head and look her up and down, confused, and… “What are you doing here?” She rolls her eyes at me, and that same anger that has been bubbling under my skin where she is concerned returns with a vengeance.
“It’s my studio, too, remember?” she throws back at me before she attempts to sidestep me, heading for the door.
I’m so goddamned sick of this.
I grip her elbow and turn her to face me. “I asked you a damn question. You don’t get to ignore all of my messages, calls, and visit attempts and then just show up.”
“My name is on the building. I can do whatever I please.”
“What the hell is your problem?” I shout the question back at her, embracing the anger, no longer able to bury the feelings she brings out of me. Not the first time I’ve stood my ground recently. The first time, it got me Jessie. Maybe this time, I’ll finally get my sister.
She rips her arm from my grip, but, to her credit, doesn’t shrink away from my burning gaze.
“None of your fucking business, Casey! God, get your nose out of my ass and leave me the hell alone,” she shouts back. Thinking I’m not going to have the balls to retort, she spins. To hell with her stupid feelings. If she isn’t going to love me, I’m sure as hell done loving her.
“I’m meeting with the accountant and my lawyer next week. I want this partnership dissolved,” I snap at her. That has her rooted in place before she slowly turns in my direction.
“What?” she whispers, except there is nothing but rage in her tone.
“You heard me. You want to throw away our relationship? Fine. You want me to leave you alone? Done. But you know what I won’t do, Grace? I’m not going to just sit by while you let the business we’ve spent years building–that I’ve spent my life on–be run into the ground. I can’t afford to run both studios on my own. Since you’re hellbent on feeling sorry for yourself and not communicating with me as your business partner, I’m making the economical decision for myself. I want the Upper West Side Studio to myself. The East is yours.” I cross my arms, feeling my heart pound aggressively in my chest. I am so lost in my anger, in feeling it all, I hadn’t realized we now have an audience. Grace’s gaze flits over my shoulder and a blush hits her cheeks. She stews there, in the wake of my words for a minute, maybe two, and I let her. Refusing to be the one to fix anything this time. There is only so much I can give a person who refuses to take or give back.
I’m done.
She purses her lips in indignation before she nods her head and smiles in defiance. “Fine.”
One single word, barely any pain in that delicate face of hers, and she spins on a heel and is out of the studio without another.
I just stand there, staring at the spot she just vacated, my heart still racing, my neck hot and flushed, my bones aching. The need to scream burns through my lungs.
“Casey?” Elle’s gentle touch to my shoulder makes me flinch, and when I turn, there is sadness on her face. Shit. I just told a room full of staff and clients that I’m closing one studio, or at the very least removing myself from it. Not that I actually am planning to do that next week. The idea came to me in the moment, and I just spoke without thinking.
“Can I call you later? I need to go,” I whisper to her, blinking back the sting in my eyes.
Elle nods. “Of course, go. I have the rest of the night, anyway. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I nod in thanks, and her pitying stare follows me as I grab my things and head for the door.
The air is crisp now, completely in the thick of winter, a bite to the stiff breeze and light snow dusting the streets as I make my way to Pucks. It sits between the West studio and our apartment, so there really is no point in heading home first. I’m stuck in a daze, running over the things I had said, the things I should have said. That I still love her, and I’m not giving up. I’m just stepping back. But I couldn’t, the rage it just, overtook me.
God, I feel sick. I don’t even know what just happened.
“Hey, sunshine.” That deliciously smooth voice has me sighing both internally and externally. Jessie is standing in front of Pucks. From the looks of things, just stepping out of his Uber, and briskly making his way to me. “I tried to call you. You walked? It’s freezing!” His tone is similar to a parent scolding a child, but lovingly. I know he just cares for me, but my skin feels too hot to be worried about the frost in the air. I shrug, still not having greeted him or met his eyeline. He doesn’t seem to mind, and instead, wraps his arms around me and kisses my forehead.
“Hey.” He hooks a finger under my chin and directs my eyes to him. “You good?” A knowing look and a loaded question. Because I see in his eyes the real questions. ‘ Do I need to hurt someone? Do you want to go home? Can I fix this for you?’ All the questions I don’t have the capacity to handle right now, so I smile at him, small but sincere, and nod at him. Giving him a quick kiss and diving back into the warmth of his arms.
“I think I need gin.”
He chuckles lightly. “That, I can arrange.” Keeping an arm hooked around my shoulders, he directs us to the entry of the bar. As we make our way through the tables, Riley’s head snaps in our direction, which prompts the rest of the table to look and gawk. Oh boy, we’re hard-launching our–whatever this is–right now.
Matching looks of shock and smugness plaster over all of them. Well, all except Stella. She just winks, giving me her usual sad, dark smile, and then returns her gaze to the TVs and her whiskey.
Despite my rigid posture and frozen steps, Jessie remains warm and calm at my side. He pulls me tighter and leans down to whisper in my ear, “If it’s too much for tonight, we can pretend. But I’m not looking to hide anything from anyone, Ace. I love you, and I’d happily shout it to the world.”
My eyes squeeze shut for a moment, taking in his words and feeling my anger recede, and when I look up into those eyes, I let myself smile fully this time.
“Nothing with you is too much.” His eyes sparkle with a touch of shock at my words, but I just squeeze an arm around his waist and use the calmness and joy he breathes into me, to hold me through the rest of the night. The knowledge that this night will end with my big, burly lumberjack holding me as I sleep, making it all the more bearable.
“What’s this, then?” Rosie questions, except she knows exactly what it is, and by the cheeky look on her face, she is just getting me to admit it.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about?” I muse, not meeting her eyes, if only to get a reaction from her. Addison scoffs at her, but meets me before the table and pulls me into a hug.
Her small frame nestles into mine in comfort, and I squeeze her shoulders when she whispers, “I’m happy for you both.” Pulling away, she winks, levels her brother with a scary look, before she turns back to her seat.
As Jessie and I pull out a chair each and sit, we seem to be in agreement that we aren’t hiding, but also not broadcasting, and Caleb lets go of a humorless laugh before staring at his beer. “Another one bites the dust.”
Rosie raises her drink to him in agreement, and they both down what’s left. Everyone else seems to be on board with not mentioning anything. Riley is just staring wide-eyed and smiling large, obviously ecstatic with her big brother’s lack of comfort right now. But after a few minutes, the silence becomes awkward. Everyone is shifting and not making eye contact, and I can practically feel the tension roiling off Caleb’s and Noah’s shoulders from trying so hard not to laugh.
“For goodness’ sake, you’re all a bunch of children,” I mumble and turn to Jessie. “You need a drink? Because I do.” He nods, also trying not to laugh but shaking his head at our stupid friends.
“I’ll get it,” he says, and gives me a pointed look that I know translates to something like, ‘ sort out these fuckers before I get back.’
He heads for the bar, and I level the group with a look and deliver the warning, “Yes, Jessie and I are together. No, it hasn’t been going on this whole time. No, we haven’t really discussed what any of it means. Yes, it is serious.” I take a breath and then, rolling my shoulders, I breathe out, “Any questions? This is your one and—”
“So many questions,” Rosie gasps as she slaps the table in front of her.
“How did it happen?” Caleb questions.
“Also, dick size—”
“Rosie!?” Addison scolds, followed by a mumbled, “For fuck’s sake, gross.” From Riley.
“You were the one that asked if they had any questions,” Ethan provides and gives me a look that says this was my own doing.
“Okay, I take it back. No questions. It is only new, the finer details are for Jessie and I. Grow up and deal with it.” As my gaze flits around the table at each person, they all seem to nod in agreement. Not sure that Lucas and Ethan could care less, Rosie and Caleb are the most disappointed with the lack of details, but I get a weird look from Stella, something that hits like respect, and I think that is also almost a smile.
“Sorted?” Jessie asks as he comes back to the table and places the drink in front of me. I nod and level the entire table with a glare, to which they shrink from. I internally pat myself on the back because I think I finally nailed the Rosie look.
“How’s the online store coming?” Ethan asks Jessie, and the conversation between him, Jessie, and Noah breaks off, Lucas and Stella in their own discussion as Riley, Rosie, and Addison turn to me.
“So, Casey’s birthday celebrations. Ideas?”
“This isn’t some big party. We don’t have to do anything, really.” I wave Rosie off and sip my drink.
“You’ve had a big few months, though, so—”
“But we’re still waiting to hear exactly how big,” Rosie interrupts Addison and looks at me pointedly through her thick lashes as she raises her hands under the height of the table, like she is again asking for indication on the size of Jessie’s dick.
“Rosie, yuck, stop!” Addison hisses at her, trying not to get Jessie’s attention.
Honestly, at this point, I might as well tell her, just to shut her up.
I make a point to look at her hands, tilting my head and smiling mischievously. “Much bigger.”
“I KNEW it!” Rosie screeches, slaps the table and throws her head back in a laugh that sounds almost like a hyena. She takes a few minutes to gather herself, the entire table now staring at us, and Addison just covers her head.
“What did we miss?” Noah questions.
“Absolutely nothing,” I assure him with wide eyes, but when my eyes dart to Jessie, the blue in them glows and his tongue-in-cheek smugness tells me he knows exactly what Noah and the rest missed.
I swear to god, Rosie is going to burst a blood vessel from restraining her laugh so much.
How mortifying. The guy only just started to admit his feelings for me, and here I am telling people he has a huge cock.
I mean, he does. A really, really nice one, too.
I have to shake my head to clear the haze of desire. But my gaze remains on Jessie as he and the guys return to their conversations. He sits relaxed, nodding at them, wearing the biggest smile they would ever get out of him–which is to say, it’s barely there. But I secretly love that he saves his showstopper just for me. He seems a lot more at peace of late than I had ever seen him and, like his strength and solidity, are infectious; I feel the tension inside me slowly evaporate. Forgetting the words, both said and unsaid between Grace and I. Letting it go because as of right now, there is nothing I can do to change her, fix her, or make anything different from what it is right now. So why let it take hold and ruin a night of joy?
“Oh Case! I have amazing news. You remember that manuscri—”
“I need to pee!” I scream in a panic. That fucking manuscript is going to ruin me. The entire table freezes. Jessie’s eyes are on me with concern, but I pretend I can’t feel it as I stand abruptly, my chair nearly falling to the ground. “Rosie, come with me?” I ask with eyes that basically say, ‘ Stand the fuck up right now and follow me, or you die.’ Thankfully, she gets the message. Her stunned face at my outburst and raised hands in disbelief follow her the entire way to the bathroom.
When we make it into the bathrooms, she yanks on my elbow to make me face her. “What the hell was that?”
“You can’t talk about the manuscript I gave you, okay, I told you, it was confidential and anonymous.”
“Well yeah, but…it’s anonymous, no one on that illiterate table is going to know someone who writes an incredible piece of literature.” She waves at me before she gets bored and heads for the mirror, fixing her face. I throw my arms up in frustration and just head to the stall, suddenly actually needing to pee. I lock the door and sit down, talking to Rosie through the charming sound of my stream.
“Can you just, like, talk to me in private about it, or text me or something? Just don’t mention it in front of people.”
“Okay, okay. Whatever.” She sighs. Wait… did she say—
“Is it really that incredible?” I ask, even though I know it’s amazing, I read just over half of it, and knew it was going to be beautiful. I just wasn’t sure if I was biased. “Well… we’re in private now! Answer me. ” This woman, I tell you.
“Oh, right, well—”
“You guys ran off in the most suss way possible. Who is pregnant!?” Riley announces as she enters the bathroom. I mutter profanity while I finish up and meet the girls at the sink, Addison and Stella also now in tow. Freaking gossip patrol.
“No one is pregnant,” I mutter.
“There are way too many women in this bathroom for you to make that kind of assumption,” Rosie points out. Addison matches my eye roll with hers.
Stella’s gentle laugh lightens the mood slightly, but it is out of the ordinary to hear from her. When we all snap our gazes in her direction, she waves us off and heads to the mirror next to Rosie.
“Nice color.” She lifts the corner of her smile, her onyx eyes painted with a delicate wing analyzing Rosie from head to toe, nothing but fellow female appreciation in her appraisal.
“Nice wing. Wish I could do that,” Rosie admires Stella.
“I’ll teach you.” She shrugs in return and Rosie nods in thanks.
“Anyway, what was the drama?” Riley refocuses everyone.
“Nothing. Rosie just…” Oh, I am terrible at lies.
“Was updating her on this work drama stuff. Nothing interesting.” And Rosie lies fabulously. If I wasn’t aware of the real topic, I wouldn’t even know it was a lie. But I know Addy can see right through her. She most definitely sees right through me.
“Ugh, I thought we came in here for fun gossip.” Thankfully, she reads the room and only hits us with narrowed eyes before she joins in.
“Boring.” Riley rolls her eyes and leaves. Stella fixes her hair, smiles at Rosie, and then heads out, too.
“You lying bitches. Tell me.” Addison wastes no time, but… this is her brother. I really hate keeping something from her, but telling her to keep this from her brother would be so much worse than her not knowing. I just have to find a way to get the manuscript back and return it to his apartment without him noticing. No biggie.
“It’s nothing, really.” Rosie, bless her soul, is sticking to her guns.
“I did a thing.” And again… I’m horrific at this lying game.
“Oh, Jesus, you need a backbone, Case.” Rosie sighs as she shakes her head at me.
“I knew it!” Addison’s smile grows. “What’s the goss?”
“I can’t tell you.” I wince at the way her head jerks back. Her eyes flit between me and Rosie, and my stomach threatens to empty on this very floor. Because I know that look. All the hard work Addy has gone through these last twelve months feels like it is being completely undone right now.
“Honestly, it’s not even that big of a deal.” Lies. “Well, like, to you, you probably wouldn’t even be interested.” So many lies my mouth is dry. “Really. But I can’t say anything. I really, really can’t. I wish I could.” Rosie smacks my arm in an attempt to shut me up from my rambling. Each of Addy’s walls slams down behind her eyes, and I watch as she pulls back. Rosie’s heartbreak matches mine as Addison speaks.
“Right. But you could tell Rosie?”
“It’s just about her work, is all,” I try to clarify. She purses her lips, analyzing and seeing all too much of me. I know my guilt is written all over my face and she can see it. Eventually, she nods.
“Okay. Guess you’ll tell me when you’re ready.” She forces a smile and turns to leave. I let go of a huge breath and slump against the sink as my head drops and I cover my eyes.
“You need to sort that out, and fast. I hated lying to her, as much as I would hate lying to you.” I look up to see Rosie with hurt and anger in her eyes. A sprinkle of pity in there, too.
“What the hell is going on, Casey? It’s one thing to keep it quiet, but it’s a whole other ball game to outright lie to our best friend.”
“I know, I know. I’m so sorry,” I whisper and squeeze my eyes closed so I don’t drop any of the tears that want to leave.
“Don’t be sorry. Just be better.” She punctuates with a little pat on the shoulder and her stupid line has me almost chuckling.
She waits a beat, but leaves me alone. In the bathroom. Staring at myself in the mirror, I shake my head slowly. “What a mess.”
I leave the bathroom and make my way back to the table. Seeing them all sitting there laughing and talking, the exhaustion sits heavy in my bones. I just want to go home. I grab my coat and bag when I make it to the table and push my chair back in, noting that Noah and Addison have already left.
“I think I’m going to head out. I’m beat.” I give my best smile, but before I can turn, Jessie is out of his chair and grabbing his coat.
“Oh, you don’t have to leave. You can stay.” Because he looked like he was finally relaxed and enjoying himself, I don’t want to take that away from him. Instead of answering, he levels me with a, ‘ yeah right,’ kind of look which makes me smirk and relent. I was super looking forward to his big snuggles, anyway.
He helps me into my coat and grabs my hand, interlacing his fingers with mine, and waves goodbye to our friends. Rosie gives me a pitying smile, her eyes all the warning I need. Fix it, and fast.
What the hell am I going to do?