3. JACKSON
THREE
JACKSON
One year later, Spring Training. March.
“Who’s coming out tonight?” someone calls.
Dev rolls up to me. “You in for tonight? Need my wingman.” He lifts his fist.
I bump it and scoff. “Is that even a question? I’d never leave you hanging like that.”
He grins. “Plus…spring break. You know?”
I match his grin. “S’gonna be wild.”
So wild. For everyone but me. But I’m so used to playing this part, it’s second to breathing.
“Let’s see if we can get Pebs to come too. That guy needs some pussy. Maybe then he’ll crack a smile.”
“On it.” I slide over to Stone, where Henderson is already trying to convince him to come out.
“Come on, Pebs. You haven’t gone out with the team since the beach.”
Stone is so serious. All. The. Time. Dev’s right, this guy needs something to loosen up. And he’s fucking Jed Stone Junior—and hot as all hell—he could have his pick of anyone.
“It’s spring break, man. You know what that means,” I say.
“Horny college girls,” Dev crows.
That. And they’re usually ready to party hard. Which means I can use the old I think you’ve had too much to drink, maybe another night line to get myself out of anything more than some tonsil tennis.
That’s something else I’ve gotten used to over the years—kissing women. I can kiss them, and it doesn’t even faze me anymore. It does nothing, but at least it keeps my cover solid. And I guess I’m getting some good practice for the day I actually get to kiss a person I want to.
Dark brown eyes with gold flecks flash through my mind. A sultry smile. Purposely tousled hair falling over perfectly manicured eyebrows.
I shove the vision away. Like I always do, unless I find myself especially weak.
“So, Pebs, what will it be?” I prod.
He hesitates. We’ve got him!
“Ah, so that’s how we convince Pebs to hang out with us. There just has to be the promise of getting his dick wet.” Dev smirks and walks backward in the direction of Nebiolo, Winters, and Michaels.
I know Nebs, since we were on the Clippers together last year, but it’d be awesome for Winters and Michaels to come out.
Michaels seems like a fun guy, but I haven’t had a chance to get to know him since we’ve really only seen each other in passing in Spring Training.
Winters is pretty chill—quiet, but a hell of a ballplayer.
We’ve started to get to know each other more, both playing in the outfield.
I’ve gotten the feeling he’s uneasy around me, though.
“You three coming?” I ask.
Winters shakes his head and his cheeks flush. “I already have plans.”
“Oh, really?” I lean forward and rest my chin on my hand. “Who is she?” Because that blush was telling as fuck.
Michaels throws an arm around Winters’s shoulders. “What do you mean, who is she? Maybe he just wants to hang out with his awesome roomie. I’m out too. I’m beat.”
A pang of disappointment hits my gut. Another time then. I heave out an exaggerated sigh.
“You two are almost as bad as Araujo and Thompson. I swear those two are inseparable.”
Araujo’s been in Triple-A for two years now, and Thompson came up last year—both starting pitchers. They clicked instantly. Very Stepbrothers “Did we just become best friends?”
I glance around, and the pair is missing from the locker room. “Where are they?” They’re always a fun time. Plus, it’s nice to have extra guys to push the ladies toward. None left for me? Bummer.
“Still in the showers, I think,” Nebs says.
“Ah, probably jerking each other off.” I snicker. It’s a running joke that those two are into each other.
Devereux pitches his voice high. “Oh, Thompsonnn. Right there. Don’t stop! Those two are so fucking gay.”
He laughs, and the derision in it barely registers. I’m numb to it. I’m numb to a lot of things.
My eyes find Nebs, and I jerk back. He looks like he’s a minute from knocking my face in. My gaze skitters to Michaels—who’s no different. And that guy is never not smiling.
“Dude. I was just making a joke. Chill guys.”
Nebs crosses his arms, and his top lip turns up. “What was the joke?”
The locker room goes quiet at his loud pronouncement. At the challenge in it.
I open my mouth, but I choke on my words. What the fuck is going on? I look around, sweat building on the back of my neck. I twitch at the uncomfortable feeling. “You know, man…”
“No, I really don’t. One of you explain it to me.” He steps forward, and I barely hold my ground even though I tower over him at six-foot-six. “What’s so funny about two guys jerking each other off? I’m waiting for the punchline.”
“You’re awfully sensitive over this, Nebiolo. You got something to tell us?” Dev matches Nebs’s derision and raises him. “That girlfriend of yours just a cover? We all know it runs in your family.”
Shit. This is escalating. Dev says it like he’s talking about a disease, and that’s kind of how the world treats anyone who’s queer.
I remember a kid in high school who moved towns to escape the shit people put him through for being gay.
My dad was downright cheery about it. Said it was good to get that kind of thing out of our town.
Wonder what he’d think if he found out that thing lives under his roof.
“Doesn’t matter how I identify. It doesn’t give either of you the right to be homophobic assholes.”
I almost laugh. At the pathetic fucking irony. At least no one ever suspects me, right?
“Bro, relax,” Dev says and rolls his eyes. “No one can take a fucking joke anymore. Everyone’s so damn sensitive these days. You’re literally the only one who cares. It’s not like anyone here is gay. Besides maybe you, since you’re all pissy about this.”
“Not true.”
I startle, and my attention falls on Stone.
“You both know I’m queer,” Stone says.
I barely hold back my laugh. Is he for real? “But you don’t count, Pebs. You’re like mostly straight. I’ve only ever seen you with women.” Do you know what I would fucking give to at least have that option?
Stone’s jaw ticks, and holy fucking shit. I thought Nebs was scary a minute ago? I legit want to fucking high-tail it out of here. I think Stone wants to murder me.
“So glad you can forgive my queerness because I tend to pick up women,” he spits out. “Because making sure you’re not made uncomfortable is all I’m concerned with.”
Shit. That is not what I meant at all. Doesn’t he understand how lucky he is?
I tried so damn hard to be straight. People in this world think if you’re exposed to queer individuals and queer love, it’ll somehow make you gay.
Well, I fully drowned myself in heterosexuality, and it did nothing.
If anything, it just made who I am that much clearer.
Stone has the option to be what society expects, what they denote as normal. Without it destroying him inside.
“You think I don’t count?” He shakes his head at us.
“Let me fix that for you. Because you don’t get to decide which parts of me count and erase the parts that make you uncomfortable.
I like men. I sleep with men. Jerking off in a shower with a man sounds pretty fucking great to me.
Better yet, I’d enjoy jerking him off. Does that help? Am I gay enough for you now?”
I open my mouth, but again, I don’t know what to say.
I’m not used to having to defend my homophobic stances…
That’s what I’ve always grown up around—everyone has always held the same beliefs.
Now I’m confronted by multiple people at once on the opposite side of this?
Dev and I are actually outnumbered. My chest tightens, and I struggle to draw in a breath.
“Nebs had it right,” Stone says quietly. “There’s nothing funny about who somebody loves. You threw that joke out like it’s an insult to be queer. You’re not harmlessly teasing or ragging; it comes from a place of hatred and disapproval. Keep your bigoted views out of this clubhouse.”
I drop my gaze to the floor and ball my fists. He’s right. It does come from a place of hatred.
Self-hatred.
“I’d ask the same of your queerness,” Dev shoots back. “But we’re fucking stuck with you.”
My body goes tight.
That. That right there…
I have lived a life surrounded by Devs. I couldn’t possibly count the number of times my dad made comments about me being gay in high school, saying I was less of a man because I hadn’t brought home girls like my brother.
How come you never bring girls around, Jackson?
Jacob was sneaking girls over at thirteen.
You’re getting me worried.
He would laugh like it was this big joke.
We’re good, strong American blood.
Real men.
I didn’t miss the way he watched me. The way he was trying to see past the thin wall I’d built and find the thing I was shoving further and further out of sight.
Any girls you’re into at school?
Did you see Jacob’s girl? She’s hot, right?
Look at the rack on that one, Jackson.
It was all I heard. Everywhere. The dinner table. In the car. Watching TV.
Over and over and over.
Until the night I broke. The night I finally brought a girl home. It might have been a fucking disaster, but it finally shut him the fuck up.
“The feeling’s mutual,” Jed says between clenched teeth, eyes burning into Dev. “I’m not the biggest fan of playing side by side with jackasses. But here we are.”
Yeah, Stone, me neither. I’m not a fan of living every day surrounded by them. Father. Brother. Mother. Friends. But here I am. This is the hell I was born into.
I’m just trying to survive.