37. FRANKIE
THIRTY-SEVEN
FRANKIE
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. There I go. Making a fucking mess of things. Am I an idiot? Apparently, I am. Because I just unloaded all my baggage, enough to fill a fucking baggage claim carousel. And to top it off? I vomited my love for him. All over the fucking place. I hate myself.
He rolls us and hovers over me. I squeeze my eyes shut. Maybe if I close them tight enough, he won’t be able to see me. I’m invisible. His stare burns into me. It was worth a shot.
His palm slides over my cheek. So large. So strong.
So gentle.
“Babe,” he whispers. “Why…why is that a bad thing?”
The confusion bleeding from his words is enough to give me the push I need to open my eyes and face him.
“Because, dolcezza…” I sigh, one big breath of resignation. “There is no future for us. I’ve said it. You’ve said it. We shouldn’t start fooling ourselves now. So, falling for you when I know this has an expiration date?” I swallow down the emotion thick in my throat. “S-sucks.”
Pao Pao calling it for the win. Fucking annoying little brothers.
I put a hand on his chest and send him a smile.
Considering he doesn’t return it, I’m sure it fell flat.
“It’s okay, though. I was under no illusions when we went into this.
I was aware of the risks. And I’m not saying it has to end now.
I’m just frustrated with myself for letting this happen.
But it’s all on me, okay? I shouldn’t have said anything and put this on you.
” I bang my head against the pillow and groan. Why? Why did I word-vomit all of that?
“What if we tried?” he asks so softly that at first I think I misheard. But those blue eyes are so sincere, so goddamned hopeful, I know I heard right.
“Oh, Jackie-babe.” I pull him down for a chaste kiss, then rest my forehead against his. “You’ve said it before. Baseball is your priority right now. Don’t let some guy distract you from that. You’ve got an entire big-league career ahead of you—”
“You’re not some guy.”
He sits up and pulls me with him, pulls me so I’m straddling his lap while he holds my jaw.
He shakes his head. “You’re not a distraction.
Frank, I’m playing the best fucking baseball of my life right now.
Do you know when that started? When we got together.
You are the opposite of a distraction. You’ve removed the weight I’ve carried my entire life.
Before, I lived in a constant state of paranoia.
It clouded my mind, lurking there, toying with my focus.
Everything was a battle. Every day I fought.
Because the world, my family, the people I had surrounded myself with, taught me to believe there was something wrong with me.
” His fingers flex, and he gives me the smallest shake. “You saved me from that.”
I lean forward and drag my lips over his. He pulls me tight, and I fall into him, just for a moment. Soak in the adoration of his touch, the reverence of his lips grazing mine. Jackson Olander is something special. Falling in love with him was so easy. How could I not?
I finally brace myself and draw away. “I’m so happy—honored—that I got to do that for you, love. But you’re changing your tune. Just earlier today, you said how you can’t do a relationship right now.”
“But that was before. I didn’t think there was a possibility of more. You’ve always been clear you don’t do this too. I’ve been trying my best not to scare you off, keep it casual. Just like you, I’ve been burying my feelings.”
He brushes my hair back and twirls it softly in his fingers before letting his hand fall. Those blue irises find me again, silver glinting from their depths.
“You can’t really believe I feel nothing for you,” he whispers. He brushes his thumb over my lip. “You’re not alone in this. I—”
My heart rate spikes, and I shake my head. I have to stop him before he says something that will certainly destroy me. “Jackson. Let’s think about this logically. Even with you in Providence, a relationship would be difficult.”
“How would it be any different from right now?”
Oh, sweet Jackson. We’ll get there.
“And when you move up, you’ll be a couple hours away, which is tough enough under regular circumstances. There’s also the possibility of a trade. You could end up across the country. You could end up in fucking Canada.”
“Maddy and East do it. So do Stone and Shane.” He juts out his chin, that pretty square jaw flexing. “We could do long distance too.”
It’s not the same. And I hate to have to be the one to kill the hope shining back at me.
I draw in a steadying breath. “I have never lived a day of my life in the closet, Jackson. I won’t start now.”
The glow in his eyes flickers out.
“I’m not sure there’s a closet that could contain all of this.
” I wave my hand in front of myself. “People see me and assume I’m gay.
Take away the eyeliner and tone down the sass, and maybe it wouldn’t be as obvious, but we could never pull off what Maddy and East do.
Nor Shaney-babe and Jed. People would wonder why you’re hanging out with a gay man all the time.
Maddy and East can go on a date, and no one blinks twice.
It’s just two dudes out for a bite to eat. ”
I pick at the bleached-white duvet. “I’m sorry, Jackie, but it wouldn’t work unless I was your dirty little secret.” I close my eyes as a wall of pain comes rushing at me. “I’ve been that before. I won’t ever be that again,” I whisper.
Lips land on mine, on the tip of my nose, then over each eyelid. My eyes flutter open and catch on those misty blues.
He coasts his knuckle back and forth underneath my chin. “You’re right, Frankie. You deserve someone who loves you out loud. Who wants the entire world to know how lucky they are to have your love, to get to love you in return.”
I smile weakly at him. I’m glad he understands, even if my heart’s withering away in my chest.
“I want to be that person.”
My smile freezes on my face. A-what now? “I beg your finest pardon.”
He tugs me close, and my chest crashes into his. He cups the back of my head, blue eyes resolute. “I want to be that person.”
My withering heart stalls, life trickling back into it. “W-what?” I breathe.
“I want to be the one who gets to love you.” His fingers dig into my skull. Our breaths mingle in the inch of space between us. “I want the world to know I’m that lucky man.”
I shake my head, eyes wide. He has no idea what he’s saying. He’s lost his damn mind.
“Let me be that man, Frank.”
My heart is in my throat, my lungs have gone on hiatus, and my stomach has tied itself in a pretty little bow.
“Jackson,” I choke out. “Babe, think about what you’re saying. You just accepted this part of yourself. Don’t run before you can walk.”
He leans his forehead against me. “I’m not walking. I’m not running. With you…” His lips skim over mine. “With you, I fly.”
Jackson pulls back. “I can do this, Frank. I want to do this. And we can still ease into it. It’s not like tomorrow I’ll be doing a press conference and decorating my cubby with rainbow flags.
Stone is quietly out. I can start with the Jetties organization and my teammates.
I mean, think about how many queer guys are already on the team.
This is actually the best time for me to do this.
And Shane and Easton are on their way to the big leagues, so we’ll all end up on the Jetties together.
Nebs too. And even though I still think he hates my guts, I know he’d be supportive of this. ”
I love what he’s saying. So fucking much. But still, I hesitate. It feels like I’ve forced his hand, and that doesn’t sit right with me.
He studies me. “You’re still questioning.”
I reach for his hand and tangle our fingers together. “I want you to do this for you. Not for me. This is something you need to do for Jackson.”
I trace the heavy brow that gives him that delicious brood I love so much.
“There are consequences, love,” I say in a hushed voice.
“Ugly ones. How would your family react? What will it mean for baseball? How will the backlash affect your mental health? It’s something you need to be ready for, not done on a whim. ”
I kiss him softly, then pull back and cradle his jaw. “I’m not saying it’s not worth it. I just want you to think about everything that will come along with it. If you try to fly before you’re ready, Jackie, all you’ll do is fall.”
He chews on his bottom lip. Finally, he nods. “Okay, Frankie,” he whispers.
And there goes my foolish heart again, withering away to nothing.
It’s for the best. The best for Jackson.
And Jackson Elliot Olander deserves the best.