Chapter 18
CHAPTER 18
“ W here should I stand?”
Why was she so nervous? She’d had her picture taken before. Plenty of times, really. And she’d even been interviewed for Snowdrift Summit Living a few years back when she’d first opened up Joyful Blooms. Sure, it was a different journalist asking the questions today, but it really shouldn’t make any difference.
“Right where you are is perfect,” Molly Jacobs, the local writer, said as she tipped her head back to whisper an instruction to the photographer. She brought her attention back to Spencer and Trinity and gave them a big grin. “You two look great together on camera.”
When Spencer had called to ask if Trinity might be interested in the interview, she’d readily accepted, mostly because she’d done a similar thing before. But she hadn’t realized how couple-y things would feel inside of his home, the two of them standing within the same frame. During the actual interview, Spencer had made it clear more than once that they were friends working on a joint project. No one would read the piece and assume they would both be living at Spencer’s place. But with each picture taken, things started to feel a little more intimate than Trinity had anticipated. And she could sense that Spencer was feeling the same.
“Do you mind if we take a break?” he asked through a rushed breath after the photographer announced that he’d gotten the perfect shot of them in the kitchen, stacking plates and bowls onto the open shelves side by side like they’d just emptied the dishwasher after a family dinner.
“Of course not. That’s a good idea,” Molly agreed. “Tim and I will upload these pics and see what we’ve got. Is there a good place for us to do that?”
The house hadn’t been fully staged yet. Spencer was still waiting on his bedroom furniture to arrive from a warehouse in Utah, along with the kitchen table and chairs. But he had a folding table in its place, and he nudged his chin toward the breakfast nook.
“You can set up over there.” He turned to Trinity. “Would you want to take a walk with me outside?”
“I’d love that.”
For as much as she liked Spencer’s new place, and even for as large as it was in mere square footage, she’d started to find it almost difficult to breathe. Like there was an elephant sitting on her chest.
She followed Spencer out the front door that had stayed open all afternoon as movers rotated in and out with things like end tables, desks, and barstools. Trinity had thought the journalist would want to wait until everything was set up before the photography portion of the piece, but she assured them that they wanted to document the process, not just the outcome.
Once outside, she trailed Spencer down the porch steps and across the small patch of land where he had talked about setting up a future garden and chicken coop. It was out of earshot from anyone within the homestead, and she welcomed the privacy.
“Hey.” He turned to face her, surprising her when he gathered both of her hands into his. “How are you doing with all of this?”
“Oh, it’s really fun, Spencer,” she said with the hope that her voice held more excitement than apprehension. “I’m enjoying myself, are you?”
“To be honest, it feels a little intimidating. Haven’t been in front of the camera much, and I’m still not sure if I should be looking at it. Away from it. Smiling. Not smiling. It’s all a little confusing to me.”
“I think they’re going for candid. They just want us to look natural.”
“Does it feel natural to you?”
She paused, then breathed deep. “Being around you feels natural. But what we’re doing for the camera? I’m not sure I’m quite there yet.”
“Do you want me to call it off?” He was completely serious, and the sincerity in his voice and on his face was touching.
“No, no. You don’t need to do that. You should be proud of this place, Spencer. And you should show it off.”
He stood there, just rubbing his thumbs on the backs of her hands in the most comforting way. “I just wanted to check in with you.”
“I appreciate that. I really do. Don’t worry about me, though. I’m doing just fine.”
And then he stepped close and brought his lips down onto hers. It had been the first time they’d kissed since the other night in the barn, and she was surprised how natural it felt. How easy and normal.
“Thank you for being here with me,” he said, pulling back. His dark chocolate eyes roved over her face, and a smile pressed onto his mouth. “And thank you for all of your help in making this place feel like a home.”
“I don’t think I can take much credit in that area.”
“I think you can take all the credit. Remember, if it were up to me, it would be milk crates and packing boxes. I wasn’t kidding about that.”
He kissed her again. Longer this time as he let his mouth meld with hers, his tongue chasing her own. It was the most passionate kiss she’d experienced in years, and it came from a place of both honesty and yearning. It surprised her how much she wanted it, how much she had thought about kissing Spencer all afternoon.
Throughout the photoshoot, she caught herself eyeing him, the way his muscles would contract and flex when he’d lift a painting to the wall to hang or hoist a box onto his shoulders to cart into the house. She knew he was strong, but up until recently she hadn’t let herself admire that physical side of him. And she hadn’t realized how attractive she found it. How attractive she found him.
When they finally came up for air, Spencer drew back slightly, his knuckles dragging down the side of her face gently to sweep away a strand of hair that had fluttered into her eyes from the mountain wind swirling around them.
“Can I take you out tonight?”
She wanted nothing more, but knew she’d need to get home to the kids. Her parents had had them all day. They were likely run ragged.
“I should probably stay in tonight. My mom and dad have been such a blessing, but I don’t want to take advantage of their willingness to always step up and watch the kids.”
He nodded, understanding. “What time do Liam and Mia go to bed?”
“Usually by eight, if the whole bedtime routine goes smoothly. It takes me a while to get them down on my own.”
“What if I came over at seven-thirty then.”
“They’ll still be up.”
“I know. I could help you. You should hear me read a bedtime story. I do the voices and everything.”
Her heart squeezed at the gesture. “Spencer, you don’t want to help with bedtime. It’s teeth brushing and pajama wrangling and chasing away the monsters under the bed.”
“Would you believe I actually do all of those things before I go to bed, too? I’m practically an expert.”
This man was so good. Everything she’d hoped she would find again, and yet Trinity found herself hesitating to pull the trigger when it came to fully letting him into their chaotic world. Because what if it was too much? What if the routine and the tantrums and the monotony was more than he’d bargained for? It felt easier to let Spencer go now than to let herself fall and later be heartbroken when he not only rejected her, but her children as well.
“You can say no because you’re not ready for me to take that next step with your kids,” Spencer spoke when it became clear Trinity’s thought process had taken over her ability to communicate. “But if you’re declining my offer because you think it’s too much for me, please don’t.”
She blinked at him, stunned that he’d perceived her inner dialogue as if she’d spoken the words aloud.
“I want to be there for the messy stuff, Trinity. Let me be the one to decide what I can and can’t handle when it comes to your kids. I’m tougher than I look,” he teased because it was clear that his exterior was tougher than any other man Trinity had ever been close with.
“There might be tears,” she warned as she chewed on her thumb nail.
“I’ll bring the Kleenex.”
“Liam might come out of his room a half dozen times before finally staying put in his room for the night.”
“I get it. It takes me a long time to shut my mind off, too.”
She could feel her throat strain around a knot as she swallowed. “Nighttime is hard for me, Spencer. It’s when I feel the loneliest. The most vulnerable with my emotions and memories.”
“Then let me be there for you to lean on.”
With a heart full of equal parts hope and hesitation, Trinity gave a single nod.
“Where did you see it last?”
Spencer was flat on the floor of Liam’s room, his long arm stretching under the toddler bed, sweeping back and forth on the carpet in big arches.
“I think I had it at Granny and Papa’s house.”
Trinity stood in the doorway to her son’s room, leaning against the frame. “Then don’t you think that’s where it is?”
Liam gave a noncommittal shrug. “I don’t know.”
Stepping into the room, Trinity came down to her son’s level, taking his tiny shoulders into her hands. “Sweetheart, I think we’re going to have to go without Bubba Bear tonight. I’ll call Papa and ask him to bring it over in the morning. Is there another stuffed animal that you’d like to sleep with instead?”
“No!” Liam’s small arms wove across his chest, and he gave a little stomp. “I can’t sleep without Bubba Bear!”
Trinity sighed. Never mind the fact that he hadn’t requested this particular teddy bear in weeks. Who knows how long the stuffed animal had been missing. But it sure seemed like par for the course tonight. Liam was in rare, displeased, and demanding form.
“I could run over and see if they have it,” Spencer suggested as he pushed off from the ground, giving a small grunt before standing upright and joined Trinity. “I honestly don’t mind.”
“No.” Trinity was not about to have Spencer be bossed around by a toddler with an attitude. “Liam can find another stuffy for tonight.” She softened her tone when she caught Spencer’s concerned gaze. “Thank you, though. That was very sweet of you to offer.”
Liam hadn’t given up his defiant stance, and now his bottom lip joined the scowl in a pout.
“Maybe Mia has one you’d like to borrow?” Spencer suggested. While Trinity appreciated his attempt at making peace, it could go one of two ways: Mia would either jump at the chance to impress her trainer by offering a stuffed animal of her own, or she would decide that now was the time for her brother to learn a lesson in tough love. Honestly, based on the way the night had been going so far, Trinity would put money on the latter.
“I don’t want one of sissy’s stuffed animals.” There was that haughty stomp again. “I want Bubba Bear!”
Trinity had a hard time being frustrated. The stuffed animal had been given to Liam by Calvin. More accurately, it had been given to Calvin by his CHP colleagues when word got around that Trinity was pregnant with their second child. Liam had taken it from their closet one day and adopted it as his own, and that bear became his sidekick, tagging along with the child everywhere like it had been Velcroed to his side.
“I don’t think we’re going to find Bubba tonight, sweetie. But how about if I go get one of Daddy’s t-shirts for you to snuggle with instead? Do you think that would be a good substitute?”
That pouty lip began to tremble, and Trinity’s heart split in two. She drew her son into her arms, folding her body around him like a cocoon. Liam nodded slowly against her chest.
“Okay.” She kissed the top of his head before standing back up. “I’ll go get one.”
“We’ll get started on the bedtime story,” Spencer said with the kindest smile she’d ever seen him wear. While she and Liam had been having their moment, Spencer had occupied himself at the bookshelf, giving the two their space. The thoughtful gesture hadn’t gone unnoticed.
“Thank you,” she said softly before slipping out of the room to retrieve a shirt for her son. On her way, she poked her head into Mia’s bedroom. The space was all pinks and frills, horse figurines, stuffed animals, and artwork covering every surface. She found her daughter tucked under the covers of her twin-sized bed, braiding the hair on one of the plastic horses that had a flowing white mane with sparkly strands interspersed.
“Are you good in here?” Trinity asked, her hand hooked on the doorframe where they’d documented Mia’s growth each year with an etched line and the date. They were overdue for another measurement. Trinity made a mental note to take care of that the following day. Keeping up with traditions had been hard when she was the only one responsible for carrying them out.
“I’m good.” Mia didn’t even look up, just continued brushing and braiding.
“I’ll be back to tuck you in as soon as we’re done with your brother.”
Mia gave a little nod and reached for a white ribbon she had set beside her on the comforter.
At least Mia was cooperative this evening. Trinity supposed her daughter was trying to impress Spencer by being easier going than usual. Honestly, the reason didn’t matter to Trinity. She was just grateful they only had one unruly kiddo to deal with.
Stepping into her walk-in closet, she flicked the light switch and the small space illuminated. Calvin’s side was smaller now. She’d donated many of his clothes shortly after he’d passed. It made no sense to hang onto an entire wardrobe that he would never wear again. But she was grateful something in her prompted her to keep a few of his favorites. His t-shirts bearing his college name. The shirts he’d gotten as swag from runs for charity and town fairs held throughout the year. She’d kept one full outfit—a pair of his most worn jeans, his blue and green plaid shirt, and a single white undershirt. She wasn’t sure why she did it. It wasn’t like he was ever coming back to put the ensemble on. But there was a piece of her that couldn’t let it go.
She looked at the small stack of shirts folded on the shelf and plucked one from the top. It read “Snowdrift Summit Half-Marathon, 2021” across the chest. Drawing it to her face, she pulled in a deep breath. It smelled like cotton, but not like Calvin. His scent that had clung to his clothing for so many months after his passing was now so faint she couldn’t even recognize it. And she didn’t know which was worse, because smelling the lingering scent of his cologne right now would have the power to take her out at the knees. But the reality of every tangible thing related Calvin was now gone placed a lump in the center of her throat. Her eyes scratched with unspent tears. She swallowed, hoping to tamp down the emotion that threatened to spill over.
Head hanging, she buried her face in the soft fabric.
Oh, how she missed him. She knew her children did too, even if they couldn’t verbalize it. It came out in stubbornness, tears, and defiance, which she had been assured was entirely age appropriate. But sometimes she wished they would just say the words, “I miss Daddy,” because it would make her feel so much less alone in her own grief.
With a shudder, she dragged the t-shirt down her face and clutched it to her chest, fighting a sob that tried hard to work its way out.
“Trinity?”
She whirled around.
Spencer was in the doorway, hesitantly stepping into the bedroom as if unsure if it was okay to be there. “Hey.”
Her emotions must have been carved across her face because he rushed the rest of the way to her, like she needed rescuing from the sadness she’d been drowning in. “Oh, honey.” He pulled her into his arms, bundling her against his big body.
It was the first time he’d called her that, and she wanted to weep. Not because it was too soon or the moment too overwhelming, but because it came from a place of desperate honesty. A part of Spencer’s heart that he’d opened up to her. A place of protection and comfort. A term of endearment that wrapped around her as warm as his physical embrace.
“I’m sorry.” She trembled against him, and then shook her head, spine straightening. “I didn’t mean to be away so long.”
“Little guy actually fell asleep by page seven.”
She pulled back to look up at Spencer, shocked. “He did?”
He nodded, his hand at the base of her head as he affectionately ran his fingers through her hair. “I think he’s out for good based on his heavy breathing.”
She had to laugh softly at that. “That kid is a snorer, just like—” She stopped herself.
“His dad?” Spencer filled in, eyebrow quirked.
She just nodded before stepping out of his arms. “Spencer, I’m so sorry this whole evening has become about Calvin.” She took the shirt in her hands and folded it again to place back onto the shelf with the others.
“Trinity, I’m not bothered by that. This is Calvin’s home . Those are his children.”
I’m his wife, Trinity silently finished for Spencer.
“I expected him to be all around us,” Spencer added as his understanding gaze met hers.
“And that really doesn’t bother you?” With her hand on the light, she flipped it off and led the way out of the darkened closet. She had to get out of there.
“Honestly?” He reached for her hand. “No, it doesn’t. I’m not trying to replace him, Trinity. I hope I’ve made that crystal clear. I just want to meet you—and your kiddos—where you’re at. And I understand that sometimes that might be in a place of grief.”
She held on to him tighter.
Oh, how this man could love her so well if she would only let him.