Chapter Thirty-Four
Clem leant against the wooden door and then kicked her heels off across the echoey hallway, dropping her wrap on the floor as she headed upstairs. Kaiser came and joined her, so she sat down on the steps to tell him about her day. She decided she would be more comfortable explaining everything to him if she lay down and only woke up a few minutes later as one of her arms slipped off the tread and slapped the step below. For a moment, she looked around her. She was sitting on a big dark staircase in a big dark space, and it was only Kaiser’s insistent nudging that reminded her where she was and that it was definitely time to go to bed. Standing seemed an unnecessary effort, so she crawled up the stairs and along the corridor. At one point she told Kaiser she would join him in three-legged solidarity and placed one of her arms on her back. After the third time of banging her face on the floor, she returned to four limbs and saluted his heroic efforts. As she got to her bedroom, she pulled herself up on her bedroom door handle and stumbled into the room.
Pottering about, she stripped out of her clothes but couldn’t be bothered with undoing her underwear and got into bed.
Only to discover it was already occupied.
Confused, she poked the man who snored loudly. She poked him again and this time a nasally voice from his other side hissed at her.
‘You are in the wrong room. Get out!’
Clem scrambled out of the bed, apologising as she left and closed the door behind her. That was very odd, she thought, but she really wanted to find her bed, so she tried the room behind her, only to find another sleeping couple. After three more attempts and getting gradually more and more frustrated, she stood at the end of her corridor in just her bra and knickers and started shouting at the top of her voice that Goldilocks only had to put up with three bears. She wanted her bed and her castle was full of bears and it just wasn’t good enough.
Minutes later, Ginny came running down the back staircase, a torch in hand. By now several of the ‘bears’ were standing in their doorways, light from their bedrooms flooding the hall. They were wrapped up in various dressing gowns and facemasks, wondering why a semi-naked girl was waking them all up, shouting loudly and singing ‘Flower of Scotland’. Was this a highland tradition they were unaware of?
Ginny shucked off her dressing gown and wrapped it around Clem’s shoulders.
‘These are the guests, miss. Your sister said you know all about it? We’ve been trying to get hold of you all day.’
‘Why are they in my bed? I want to go to sleep,’ asked Clem, somewhat belligerently.
‘Your sister said they should make themselves at home. So they have.’
‘But it’s my home!’
‘Yes, but Lady Nicoletta said—’
‘Say no more. Say no bloody more.’
By now some of the guests had started to whisper amongst themselves. They had been promised a genuine highland experience, and so far, they hadn’t been disappointed. Now they were being woken from their beds by a drunken, undressed peer of the realm. One of the women dashed back into her bedroom to grab her camera.
Ginny spotted the camera and glared at the guest, who promptly lowered it. Ginny looked like the sort of housemaid that was well used to wrestling livestock and unruly guests. Mrs Mary-Anne Merriwether smiled nervously and made a point of clearly switching the camera off.
‘Come with me, miss, I have a spare bed made upstairs.’ Gently tugging Clem towards the servants’ staircase, Ginny smiled brightly at the guests and apologised for the interruption and told them that breakfast would be served at nine.
As she headed back up the narrow steps, she found that Clem was fast asleep on the steps and, nudging her awake, had to listen to her mistake her for Ari, giggling about not waking their mother and father. Eventually, she got her into a narrow bed and was unsurprised when Katherina made an appearance and jumped up and settled down beside Kaiser. Ginny wasn’t sure there was room for all three of them, but looking down on the gently snoring Clem, she realised that none of them probably cared much.
***
Clem rolled over and hit the floor in a rude thump of cats and blankets. Grabbing her face with uncoordinated hands, she tried to work out what was going on. She had had a fabulous wedding, danced a lot, drank a bit, okay maybe more than a bit, kissed Rory, oh God, kissed Rory and then it all seemed to get very confusing. She seemed to remember a castle full of Americans and her standing shouting at people in her underwear. Something about her memory seemed very wrong, or at least she hoped to God, it was. Looking around she realised she was in one of the attic bedrooms. There was a little dresser at the end of the bed with some of her clothes, her fabulous banyan, her joggers and a T-shirt, a glass of water and some painkillers. There was also a little note.
[NOTE RECEIVED]‘Castle full of paying guests. Come to kitchen, use back staircases. Will explain.’
The handwriting was too scruffy for Otto, and she had a vague memory of Ginny from last night.
Grabbing the painkillers and her clothes in that order she headed for the kitchens. Happily, she didn’t really get hangovers but she felt she wasn’t at her sharpish and something seemed to have happened, leaving her on the back foot.
***
Clem gingerly made her way down the back staircases untilshe arrived in the service corridors leading into the kitchen.
There was quite a kerfuffle coming from within, and she peered around cautiously, worried that she might bump into some of those strange people from the night before. Instead, she was amazed to see the kitchen was full of staff.
People were moving backwards and forwards, taking plates and bowls out of cupboards and stacking them up onto trays.
The baby cooker from Otto’s bedroom was up on one of the worktops and the old wood-fired range was also going at full whack, with pots and pans steaming and frying.Sausages were hissing, and eggs were bouncing around in the water. Moira seemed to be having a whale of a time moving from pan to pan, pushing and prodding.
It looked like they were feeding a million troops as people came back and forth through the door leading out to the main part of the kitchen. Waiters were dashing in with jugs of orange juice and carrying them back out on trays again.
The whole kitchen was a hive of activity and for the first time, Clem could see how this kitchen would have run in its heyday.
At a loss to understand what was happening, she looked around, trying to find someone who wasn’t up to their eyeballs in activity.
‘Ginny,’ she called out as shenoticedGinny buttering some toast, ‘what the hell is going on?’
‘Oh, you finally decided to wake up, have you?’ said Otto as the old woman came along the passageway from outside, showing a delivery man where to unload his trays of supplies.
Clem watched in confusion as boxes of eggs, milk, cream, kippers and black pudding were all being delivered into the kitchens, with Ginny directing two lads where to store them. There was a shout for the milk and one of the lads turned around and handed it to a girl who was busy filling jugs.
More people came in carrying crates of food into the kitchen; this time the trays were full of vegetables, joints of meat and some large, plump fish. Otto and Clem had to step aside to make room for them to walk in.
‘What the hell is going on? Who the hell have you invited? Who are these people?’
‘As if you don’t know,’ snapped Otto. ‘Your sister assured me that you knew all about it and had given your blessings to it. It would have been nice if you had had the courtesy to tell us though. I’ve had to call all the village girls in to help last minute this morning; half of them are hungover from last night’s wedding. Which I can see, you are aswell.We are having to go at full pelt just to try and feed your guests.’
Clem groaned; all she wanted was a cup of coffee and for Otto to stop telling her off.
‘I don’t know what the hell you are talking about. I don’t have any guests. I don’t know which sister!’
She looked around confused. This was a complete nightmare. All she wanted was a cup of coffee, but she seemed to be in the middle of Piccadilly Circus.
‘Ginny! Ginny, please, can I have a coffee?’ she called out plaintively. ‘Do you know what’s going on, and why am I sleeping in the attic and who was in my bed?’
‘Your guests,’ replied Otto tersely. ‘I spoke to you about this just now, remember? How bad is your hangover?’
‘No, I don’t remember, or at least, yes, of course I remember what you just said to me, but I don’t remember anything about any guests. I just want some sodding coffee and then I can get my head around this.’
Duncan came up between the two women and handed Clem a mug of coffee and returned into the throng. As Clem took a grateful sip, she yelled over to him that she bloody loved him.
Clem followed Otto into one of the small side rooms where once the housekeeper or cook made her plans for the week ahead.
‘Yesterday, your sister, Lady Nicoletta, phoned the castle, saying you weren’t returning her calls. She wanted to remind you about the coachload of American guests that would be arriving at twelve o’clock. I explained that I didn’t know what she was talking about. After some rather violent language, she explained what was going on.’
Clem listened in horror as Otto explained that the guests were here for five days for a grand taste of the highlands, and were to treat the castle as if it were their own.
‘Oh my God, the ballroom!’
Clem jumped up, but Otto reassured her that she had taken the liberty of drawing the curtains and locking the door.
‘They have been roaming everywhere, as have their hands; several of the girls have already complained to me this morning.’
Clem drained her cup. ‘Right, well they can fuck off. Put them back on their bus and send them off to the closest Premier Inn.’
‘Your sister was very clear that they were to be made very comfortable. They are paying ￡10,000 for the five-night experience.’
Clem stopped and looked at Otto, her face slack with surprise.
‘Ten thousand pounds for five nights! Who has that sort of money?’ Clem sat back down again. ‘Ten thousand pounds is probably enough to start to rewire the castle though. Oh bloody hell, Otto. That’s an awful lot of money to turn down. Ten grand will go a long way in this place.’
‘It’s ten grand each,’ said Otto with a raised eyebrow, ‘and there’s twenty of them.’
‘Holy Mary! What do we do?’
‘Maybe not tell them to fuck off to the Premier Inn?’ said Otto in a politely enquiring tone, and Clem laughed weakly.
‘No, maybe not. But they aren’t pinching any of the girls’ bottoms. Let me go and say good morning.’
‘I think first—’
‘Nope, stop right there. This has to be pure me. If you make any suggestions, I’ll get confused. This will only work if I am one hundred per cent me. Then they can decide if they like it or not.’
‘But I was just going to say—’
‘No. Say nothing.’
With that she stood up and marched out the kitchen, with Otto following closely behind. As she got to the main door, Otto said she would watch from one of the peepholes.
***
Clem walked into the breakfast room and looked around in amazement. The long table was fully laid and twenty people were sitting down, eating and chatting as the staff quietly buzzed backwards and forwards. The sideboard was laden with food but the staff were serving the guests from it rather than the guests helping themselves. Built as the room was to capture the morning sun, it was a delight, as it looked out over the Scottish landscape. Clem could only marvel at how hard and how fast Otto, Moira and Ginny must have worked to prepare this room and all the bedrooms for all the guests.
Clem cleared her throat and the staff all looked her way and then left the room as she nodded her head. Her guests stopped eating and looked up at her expectantly. As she took them in, she was a bit surprised that her guests were dressed in such an odd fashion. The men appeared to be wearing polo shirts under sporting blazers, several were wearing hats. The women were in T-shirts with logos on them, wearing heavy jewellery and full make-up. Still, they were all smiling and seemed friendly.
‘Good morning. I am Lady Clementine de Foix of the House of Hiverton and it is my pleasure to welcome you to our family castle here at Ruacoddy.’
The seated diners smiled and nudged each other in excitement.
‘I hope your stay with us will be pleasurable and one that you remember for many years to come. You will find me a possibly eccentric host but it is the only way I know how to be and so that will have to do.’
There was some polite laughter as a few guests remembered last night’s events.
‘Now a little bit of housekeeping. I have overheard some of my girls talking about being patted and pinched on their bottoms. That will not do.’
She looked around the room sharply at all the men. ‘I know last night that I got into bed with several of you fine people, so let’s call it quits and never speak of either lapse again, shall we?’
There was more laughter and a man sitting at the head of the table cleared his throat, pushed back his chair and stood up.
‘Clayton John Quimby, the fourth. It is my pleasure to meet you, Lady Clementine. Again.’
The breakfast guests laughed indulgently as Clayton spoke. Clem simply marvelled that the previous three incursions of that name hadn’t done their best to bury it. What a curious form of generational cruelty.
‘Now your sister, Lady Nicoletty, said we were to have the run of the house—’
‘The house yes, the staff no.’
Clem raised her eyebrow to make her point. Besides which, wait until she tried ‘Lady Nicoletty’ on Nick.
Clayton cleared his throat as the room laughed again.
‘Yes, ma’am. My point was more that there are a few locked doors and I’d be mighty interested to see what’s behind them.’
‘In that case I would be happy to oblige where I can. Any locked doors on the upper levels are to the servants’ rooms and those are naturally private. The gun room is also locked—’
‘Ma’am, with all due respect, I’ve been shooting guns since I was knee high to a grasshopper. Heck, I reckon most of us here have.’
Clem looked around the table as the majority nodded and smiled at her.
‘That’s as may be, but here we keep our gun room locked. But I am quite happy to show you the ballroom. It is currently my studio, so I can show you what I am working on, but you won’t be allowed to touch anything and as this is an exclusive collection to be launched at London Fashion Week, you may not take any photos either. But I suppose you could consider it a world exclusive viewing.’
‘Well, that’s mighty generous of you.’
‘Yes, it is, isn’t it? Now I understand you have a busy day and I have a stonking hangover, so I shall leave you to it and find some more coffee. I shall join you this evening for dinner.’
Smiling again at Clayton John Quimby, the fourth, who was sitting at the head of the table, she addressed him directly. ‘Where you can get out of my chair and sit on my right.’
And as she turned and left, she heard him laugh to the others, ‘Well that’s me told.’
Otto now joined her and had been listening through the spy hole and nodded her approval at Clem.
‘That was perfect. You may have never met your grandfather but that was him through and through. Gracious, friendly and utterly in charge.’
‘I was remembering my mother at the local jumble sales. Iron fist in a satin glove. She seemed to charm her way through the entire event, and her smile only slipped if someone broke rank and tried to grab something out of a box that hadn’t been properly opened yet.’
‘Your mother would have been very proud of how you handled that lot. Now, we’d better get back to the kitchens and you can see if you approve of the itinerary I’ve proposed. And then maybe you had better phone your sister. Oh.’ She paused with a naughty smile. ‘And you might want to brush your hair? It’s standing up, somewhat. Also your T-shirt is inside out, your mascara is down your face and you appear to have lipstick on your cheek. Shall I put the kettle on?’
And Clem watched as she sailed off along the corridors. No doubt, thought Clem, with a wicked grin plastered across her face. Clem wasn’t keeping score but she was pretty certain Otto won that one.