Not my circus, not my alpacas #4
“You’ve just given yourself an answer. You’ve never been in love. My guess is tha’s because you’re afraid to commit body and soul to another person. Could that be?”
Well, bodily commitments had been plentiful, she thought, but kept that to herself. She got Marlin’s meaning. “Maybe I just don’t know how this commitment thing works?”
“Possibly, and I’m afraid I’ve been a bad role model for you and your siblings in this respect.” He suddenly sounded very serious, downright contrite. But what he said was true.
“Hm,” she mumbled, because she had no idea how to respond to her father’s surprising confession.
“I taught you all how to function with a broken heart. That was no doubt the best strategy initially, because I had to function somehow, without your mother and with four children, and three of you still so young.” He sighed but seemed intent on continuing his unexpected revelation.
“Bonnie’s death was the worst thing that could have happened to me, even if it didnae come as a surprise.
But how can you prepare yourself for living without the person who was your centre of gravity for so many years? ”
Shona certainly had no answer. She had never experienced such a dramatic loss, or not knowingly.
When her mother died of cancer, she had been just a baby, and to her, family had always meant her father and her siblings.
Her two aunts had played important roles too and provided caring female support.
Ultimately, she had always felt emotionally safe.
She may have envied her friends and cousins at times, all of whom had grown up in traditional two-parent families, but it had been an abstract longing more than a true need.
“What I’m saying,” Marlin eventually continued, “is that after Bonnie died, I closed my heart to romantic love. I didnae allow myself to fall in love again. Maybe I wouldnae have met a woman willing to commit to me and all of yous, but the important fact is that I didnae even allow it to happen. If you want to know why, I’ve been too afraid of experiencing the terrible pain of loss again.
Now I realise what a huge mistake that has been.
Love and pain are two sides of the same coin.
Without them, life may be easier, but it also lacks colour. ”
“Oh, Daddy ...” Shona’s voice was full of compassion.
She had had no idea. She had never considered – or only briefly a few times – why he had never found a new partner.
A selfish part of her may have been glad about it, because a new wife would have meant sharing his love and affection with someone else, a stranger.
“Princess, I dinnae need your pity. Quite the opposite. I apologise that I was such a bad role model. I did a bloody good job of raising four children incapable of having a relationship.”
“Well now, that’s a bit of an exaggeration! Alex and Isla are both head over heels in love, and none of us knows what Lennox is up to.”
“But think about how long it took Alex and Isla to open up to love. All that wasted time!” Marlin shook his head, not ready to stop blaming himself quite yet.
“Alex loved Aidan’s mum once too, so you weren’t that bad of a role model,” Shona insisted.
“I reckon he did. But when they split, he made the exact same mistake as me. He closed his heart and didnae let anyone else in – until Colleen came along.”
“You see? It has nothing to do with closed hearts. It’s all a matter of timing.
Colleen is the right woman for Alex, and Jon is the right man for Isla.
It would have been rather unfortunate if they had fallen for other people earlier, wouldn’t it?
And who knows, maybe you’ll have a second love too some day? ”
Marlin smiled and gave his daughter a sideways glance that was hard to interpret.
“If I’ve learnt one thing in my life, it’s that there are many lids for any one pot!
Of course I’m happy about Colleen and Jon, but I would have been equally happy if they had met other partners.
And what I really want to tell you is to no’ be afraid of losing your heart. ”
“Okay ...” How was that going to be helpful?
She had never ruled out falling in love.
It just hadn’t happened, and so far she hadn’t missed it either.
And even if it did happen, how was opening up to love supposed to work?
Was there an internal switch that she could flip to fall madly in love with the next bloke who appeared?
And why was her bloody subconscious showing her an image of Kendrick right now?
! He definitely had nothing to do with all this!
Fine, she was attracted to him – no reason to deny that – but it didn’t involve deep feelings. He was way too complicated for that.
“Aye then,” Marlin said happily, as if their talk had come to its satisfying conclusion. “Now that tha’s sorted, let’s take care of these animals of yours.” He flicked the indicator, followed the driveway up to Rupert’s farm and parked in front of the stables.