Chapter 58 Fraser
FIFTY-EIGHT
FRASER
Iwake up the next morning feeling bad. My thoughts are slow and loud, and my chest aches like there’s a weight on it. I force myself to roll over, reaching for Summer.
My fingers touch the cold sheet. I sit up, flicking on my bedside light.
My bed is empty. Outside, I can hear the wind whistling through the trees, rain hitting the windowpanes. Slowly, I pick up my phone and squint at the time. It’s almost nine. I’ve slept too long. Everyone else will be up. I should get up.
I let myself fall back onto the mattress. I’m too exhausted to move. I want to sleep all day. I want to close my eyes and ignore the world. I want to stop existing, just for a bit.
It’s been a while since I felt like this.
When I was a teenager in uni, though, this grey feeling slowly seeped into my days until it had soaked through everything.
I was surprised when I went to the university health centre, and the doctor doled out antidepressants.
I wasn’t the kind of guy who got depressed.
I was the fun one. I liked drinking and joking and flirting and making people feel good.
It didn’t make sense that this feeling could also be a part of me.
It’s not even sadness, not really. Sadness isn’t a big enough word for it.
Neither is emptiness. Or exhaustion. Or boredom.
If I had to put a word on the feeling, I’d choose pain.
Every cell of me just…hurts. I’m aching like I’ve just been run over by a bus, and I’m too tired to even peel myself off the pavement.
As I lie there, a memory flickers up. Me in bed in my student flat the summer I dropped out of uni.
It was June, the month before exams, and the air in our building was syrupy and hot.
I wasn’t studying. Wasn’t doing anything.
I just lay there for days on end, listening to my flatmates argue and laugh and shag through the yellowing walls.
My phone was constantly dinging with messages. I couldn’t move to check them.
It was one of those days that I wound up drinking a bottle of Tesco Value vodka and waking up in hospital, Alec standing over me. I still remember his kind smile as he told me to come home.
Everything was fine after that. These days, when this old feeling seeps back in, it’s never for long. It’s rare that it sticks.
But today feels sticky.
I lie there, staring blankly at Summer’s side of the bed.
How are we going to let her go? She has one week left at Lochview.
And then we’ll never see her again. Once she’s gone, everything will go back to how it was before.
The sun will go back in. Alec and Cameron will start fighting.
I’ll have to work constantly to keep them from killing each other.
The thought makes me feel physically sick.
No.
With Herculean effort, I roll out of bed. I need to talk to Cameron and Alec.
When I stomp into the main room, they’re both at the dinner table, poring over Alec’s laptop.
“Hey,” Alec says, glancing up as I head to the kitchen sink and fill a glass of water. “I was just about to wake you. We need to rejig our delivery plans. Looks like a bad storm will hit tonight.”
I chug the water and slam the glass down. “Where’s Summer?” I ask, looking around the shadowy room.
“Said she was taking an ‘everything shower’ an hour ago,” Cameron says. “I don’t know what that means. Doesn’t she normally wash everything?”
“Great.” I head to the bathroom. I can faintly hear the sound of out-of-tune singing over rushing water.
“She said not to join her,” Alec adds as I reach for the door handle. “Said, I quote, ‘I don’t want you guys seeing behind the curtain.’”
Cameron’s frown deepens. “Makes no sense. We’ve seen her naked before. What is she doing that we can’t see?”
The heaviness on my chest increases. “Right. Okay.” I wipe my hand over my face. “What were you saying? A storm’s coming?”
Alec nods. His face is pale. “Looks to be the worst one we’ll have all season,” he says.
“It’ll hit tonight. And we still have three deliveries to make before then.
We were meant to do them when we were in Inverness, but I put them off because…
” He trails off. We all know why. Because of Summer’s impromptu day out.
I shrug. “We’ll take ’em down tomorrow. Bring Summer with us again.”
“We can’t wait until then,” Alec says. “The roads might close. You two will have to head out today before it hits. You’ll probably have to stay overnight in the city.”
“No,” I say flatly. I only have a few days left with Summer. I’m not wasting one of them in Inverness.
“I’m sorry. This is the last thing I want, but I don’t know how else to handle it.
I’ll be afield all day, making sure we get all the livestock sheltered and everything is secure.
This weather came out of nowhere.” He sucks in a deep breath.
“We have to get the delivery made, and I—I can’t have you driving in the storm.
Leaving before it hits is the only option I see.
It’s not set to hit Inverness. You’ll be safe down there. ”
Shit. I want to argue, but I don’t see a way around it. Judging by Cameron’s sour expression, he’s not happy about it either.
“Fine,” I grit out. “Okay.” I drag up a chair and plop onto it heavily. “How did the call with your lawyer go? You make the council see sense?”
A muscle tics in Alec’s jaw. “No. And they also informed me they’re cutting all agricultural stipends starting next month.”
I let loose a stream of very off-colour words. For God’s sake, why can’t things ever just be easy? “We should tell the village. We need people to kick up a fuss. Petitions, whatever. This is going too far.”
Alec shakes his head. “I have a handle on it.”
“You know people want to help, right?” I snarl. “The locals don’t want a tourism lodge up here any more than you do. This goes beyond you.”
“I have a handle on it,” he repeats stubbornly.
I sit back in my chair, rubbing my aching chest. The sad, grey feeling in me is filling me up like cement.
“You look like crap,” Cameron says suddenly. “You feeling okay?”
“I’m fine,” I say shortly.
“Did you not sleep?”
“Slept fine.”
Cameron studies me for a few seconds. “He needs a break,” he tells Alec. “He’s not right.”
I roll my eyes, but Alec nods. “You’re not yourself today,” he agrees, tapping at his laptop. “When you get back tomorrow, you can take the rest of the week off—”
I slam my hand on the table. “For God’s sake, I’m fine. Will you stop fussing and focus on making a plan?”
“A plan?”
“Aye. How are we gonna ask Summer to stay?”
Alec freezes. “What?”
“We need a good way to ask her,” I insist. “Make it special.” I tug a hand through my hair. “But first, we should work out how we’re gonna handle the long-distance stuff. We need to be on the same page. I don’t want her feeling unsure about anything, you know?”
Both men just stare at me.
“What?” Cameron says.
“I guess she’ll probably want to go back to London, at least for events. We could split time, maybe? I mean, there are three of us. If she wants to do stints in the city, one of us could go with her.” I hate London, but I’d go anywhere for her.
Alec sits back in his chair. “Fraser, what are you talking about?”
I stare at him. “Summer,” I say slowly. “We need to work out how to ask her if she wants to stay with us.”
“Stay with us?” he repeats. “But…she’s going back to London.”
“Aye, and we can’t let that happen. So we need to ask her to move in.”
His lips part. “Move in?”
“We have to ask her to be our girlfriend.”
Alec sputters. “Our? A shared girlfriend?”
“Yes.” I’m getting frustrated. “Why are you acting so thick about this? If we can share a girl in bed, we can share her out of it.”
“I can’t have a girlfriend,” Alec says, his face drawn. “Lochview needs my full attention. The animals…”
I grit my teeth. “Are all alive and well, last I checked. For God’s sake, look around.
The farm’s running better than ever.” I spot Crumpet sleeping under the kitchen table and pick her up with one hand.
She licks my thumb as I settle her on my lap.
“This wee one would’ve died if it weren’t for her. ”
Alec doesn’t say anything. I turn to Cameron. “Some help here? Talk some sense into this eejit.”
Cameron just looks at me, his expression guarded. “She’s going home,” he says quietly. “She wants to go home.”
I throw my hands up. “Aye, because she doesn’t know staying is an option!” He doesn’t respond. I look between them both incredulously. “Obviously she might say no, but we have to ask. I know you both want her to stay. You’re being cowards—”
Cameron stands suddenly, pushing his chair out. “She was always going to leave,” he points out. “I told you this would happen. I told you you’d get attached.”
I want to rip my hair out. “Aye, I’m attached, and so are you! For God’s sake, she’s not some holiday fling! She’s…” I hear the water turn off, and Summer’s footsteps run down the corridor back to the guest room. I lower my voice. “She’s ours. I know you feel it too. Tell me I’m wrong.”
Neither of them answers. Rain slides down the windows. Alec’s phone rings, and he checks it. I rub my face.
Great. Perfect. I guess my plan will have to be put on hold while Alec and Cameron get their shit together. At least I’ll have plenty of time to talk some sense into Cameron while we’re on the road. “When are we heading out then?”
“Fraser—” Alec starts.
“When?”
He sighs. “You should be on the road in thirty minutes.”
“Fine. I’m gonna say bye to Summer.” I storm over to the guest room and knock on the door. I can hear her humming inside as she moves around.
“Come in!” she singsongs.
I open the door. She’s sitting on the bed wrapped in a towel, rubbing lotion into her legs, her hair in a knot over her head.
I lean in the doorway to watch. “Heard you washed everything,” I mutter.