47. Makenna
Makenna
It’s been six days since I’ve had any contact with Malcolm, and I’m already past the point of thinking this was a good idea. But in case it actually was, I’m making myself stick it out. I can do another week.
I think.
What’s made it a thousand times worse is not having anything to do.
I don’t have a job. I’m not actively looking for one, because if things do progress with Malcolm, I could easily move.
So this past week, I’ve watched five movies, cleaned my house and my mom’s from top to bottom, and played catch with my elderly neighbor’s dog more times than I can count.
I’ve also played the guitar, and had some fun with calligraphy, which I haven’t done in ages.
When I became such a busy wedding planner, that part of my work kinda fizzled out.
I’ve enjoyed coming up with different variations of lettering and found some truly lovely ways to write Makenna Robertson. You know, just in case.
Obviously, all these things haven’t been enough to distract me from missing Malcolm.
I’ve been wanting peach cobbler and watermelon, so I’m at the farmer’s market.
I told Mai I’d make the cobbler tonight for our movie night.
She’s been calling it distraction night but has insisted that we watch a romance.
She supported my two-week break idea, but now that she’s seen me moping around, I’m fairly certain she’s trying to put me in the mood for love so I’ll break the two weeks rule.
I’m looking down at the delicious, and juicy looking Georgia peaches when I hear a voice that makes me cringe.
“Looking at fruit. That’s a good choice, though, don’t miss the vegetables. The cucumber over there looks particularly good.”
I turn to find Ross, dressed in khaki shorts and a short sleeve white button-down covered in little palm trees. I used to find that kind of shirt fun and playful until Ross started wearing so many of them. He spoiled a lot of things.
I turn back to the peaches, not wanting to give him any attention.
“Oh, now, don’t be like that. I just assume you want to tighten things up. I’m only trying to help.”
I spin. “Ross. Why are you talking to me? We’re not friends. We broke up two years ago. You know nothing about me.”
He smiles. “You’ve gotten a little feisty. I have to say—”
“No. You don’t have to say. There was absolutely no reason for you to speak to me. Or even come over here. Go away.”
Ross steps closer. “Makenna. I like this side of you. I think I could even overlook the extra—”
I shoot a glare at him. Oh, I am fuming. I step away from the peaches and the farmer gawking at us. “Do you no longer understand English? Get away from me. I’m happy with myself, no thanks to you.”
I step toward the parking lot, where I will wait in my car until he leaves. I’m not letting him force me to leave without my fruit. He follows me.
“Ah, baby, you’re really doing something to me. You can’t leave now.” Ross grabs my elbow, trying to spin me around. I do spin, but only to knock him off me. He stumbles backwards and trips over a tent stake, landing on his butt in the grass.
I hope he gets a huge grass stain.
I come to stand right over him and accidentally stand lightly on his hand. I want him on the ground for our last ever interaction. “If you see me out again, don’t speak to me. And how about you do humanity a favor and don’t speak to any woman ever again.”
“Oh my gosh, tell me again about how he fell.” Mai is leaning back into my sofa, absolutely cackling at my farmer’s market scuffle as she calls it.
And I have to admit, it didn’t feel hilarious at the time, but looking back on it brings a huge smile to my face.
It’s partly the memory of Ross’ face as he fell, and partly how good it felt to realize I’ve actually overcome the damage he did to me.
I hadn’t realized I was truly okay until I saw him.
Instead of dredging up memories and insecurities, seeing him made me angry for the person I’d lost for so long.
I wasn’t myself these past two years. I wish I’d been able to overcome it by myself.
To have brushed his comments off to begin with, and, of course, I wish I’d immediately left him in the dust when they started.
But Malcolm’s persistence helped me let go of the shame that colored my view of myself.
I wish I’d been stronger to begin with, but there’s a reason we shouldn’t live life alone.
Sometimes there are people in our lives who offer a hand up, and there’s no shame in taking it.
“I didn’t mean to push him down—”
“Sure you didn’t.” Mai grins and takes a bite of her cobbler.
“I didn’t.”
Mai raises her eyebrows at me.
“I really didn’t. But I couldn’t be happier it turned out that way.”
She grins. “I’m proud of you.”
“Thank you. I’m pretty happy with how that encounter turned out.”
“Me too. Here’s hoping you never have to talk to that jerk again. She holds up her water cup to toast me, and I meet it with mine.
“Here. Here.”
Mai sets her empty cobbler plate on the coffee table. “So, are you still feeling good about your two-week Malcom-free time? For the record, I still think it was a good call.”
“I’m not sure if it was a good call or not, but I miss him like crazy. I can’t believe how quickly I got to this point. I mean, how many people have you known for two weeks, then missed when your time together was up?”
“I think it would be difficult to find anyone who could make a direct comparison. I certainly can’t. But I see what you mean. I never would have guessed this would happen. Especially to you.”
“Especially to me? Wow.” I lick my spoon clean, then set my plate down next to Mai’s.
“I just mean, you’ve been especially guarded since Ross. And down on yourself. And, I mean, you’re not exactly known for being adventurous.”
“I hike.”
“That’s not the kind of adventurous I’m talking about, and you know it.”
“Yeah, yeah.” I grin, because I definitely do know. I like plans and predictability. While I can be up for adventure, it usually takes a bit for me to adjust to whatever it is.
“I’m just surprised that in such a short amount of time he was able to not only get close to you but get you to consider changing your entire life.”
She’s right. This has been entirely unlike me.
I made the unlikely decision to go on the trip alone in the first place, and from there I feel like I was swept along in the current of Malcolm not realizing what was happening.
I was attracted to him, sure, but it never occurred to me that anything would ever come of it, until it was.
I’d been floating along, daydreaming about how great it would be to be with Malcolm, assuming I’d go back home, find a job and continue living my life.
I pull a pillow into my lap and hug it. “This is crazy, isn’t it?”
“Yes,” Mai answers with a shrug. “I guess the question is … is it good crazy, or bad crazy?”