Chapter 4 - Janella
I sat outside on the porch. It was quiet, and I felt numb.
So much was changing, and I had no control over anything.
I was forced to move here, and I didn’t want to.
I couldn’t tell Scott what was going on because I was scared he’d fire me.
I had no one to lean on, no one to tell my fears and anger to.
So, I just sat on it. But now even my anger had started to subside, and I felt empty.
I wanted my parents, but I knew the minute that I saw them, I would break down. I’d cry, and they would ask what was wrong. I didn’t have many friends, and the few I did have wouldn’t understand. Everything was falling apart, and it was all his fault.
I wrapped my cardigan tightly around myself and pulled my legs up closer to me. The swing moved back and forth as the wind blew. I didn’t even know what time it was or how long I’d been out here.
I felt like I was slowly suffocating when I saw Riley. There were so many emotions that hit me. That anger from everything, the fear of losing it all again. Every time he spoke, my body would tense up waiting for him to say something that would hurt me. But how could he make this worse?
I heard the door open, and I looked to the side. Riley stepped out. He was wearing gray sweatpants and a workout shirt. He’d looked like he’d just crawled out of bed. His hair was a mess, but he still looked as handsome as ever.
His eyes landed on me, and he looked surprised. “What are you doing?”
I looked across the yard and shrugged. I didn’t have it in me to argue. I didn’t have anything in me at the moment.
I felt the swing move as he sat down next to me. “Janella.”
I shook my head, making him stop. “I don’t want to argue with you. Not today.” I bit onto my lower lip, feeling tears build up again. I’d cried last night after keeping it together. But hearing him snap those words that I’d never be free broke something in me.
I was clinging to the hope that I could go home. That once I did what they needed, I could leave. But something last night told me it wasn’t the simple. His words seemed truer than ever.
I could hear him sigh. “I’m sorry I yelled last night. I didn’t mean it. I…God… It’s part of the problem.”
I looked at him, and I could see how frustrated he was. “I meant it when I said we needed you. This bonding is affecting everyone. Including myself. I have a hard time controlling my emotions.”
I chewed on my lower lip, not sure what to say to him. But before I could, I heard a vehicle pull in front of the house. I scrunched my eyebrows together. “Who’s that?”
He smiled. “Someone who wanted to see you. I should probably put some distance between him and me.”
I didn’t understand. I watched the car door open, and a guy stepped out. My body froze as I realized it was Troy.
I hadn’t seen him in person in a long time. I felt my heart stop beating as he rounded the car, his eyes glued to me. I watched as he gave me a smile. “Hey, sis.”
I swallowed, staring at how much he’d changed. He was taller. Easily almost seven feet. Clearly, he took after Dad. He had Mom's soft blue eyes, though, and her soft smile. He’d gotten muscular. I could see how square his shoulders were.
He walked towards me, and I gave him a smile in return. I knew that it didn’t reach my eyes.”Hey.”
“Do I get a hug?” He asked as he got to the porch. I nodded and pulled myself up. He pulled me into a hug, and I felt stiff. This wasn’t how I had pictured seeing him for the first time again.
But I felt how tightly he was holding me, how his hands were shaking, and I sank into him. I grabbed onto his jacket and felt my lower lip quiver.
God, I missed him. I missed how he made me laugh and how easy it was to talk with him. I missed how, out of everyone, he knew almost everything that was going on. He had been my rock for so many years, and I wanted that back.
He pulled back after a second and grabbed my shoulders. “Let me look at you. God, you are short.”
I rolled my eyes, trying to suppress a smile. “And you're still a smartass.”
He smirked, his eyes looking past me. “And where exactly is Riley?”
“He’s not here,” I lied, not even sure why I did.
He frowned. “I saw him run inside.”
“And that is where he will stay.” I pulled free, sitting back down on the bench.
He frowned and shoved his hands into his pockets. “I don’t know why I thought this would be easy. Like it hadn’t been years since I’ve seen you.” He moved closer, taking a seat next to me.
It felt different. It wasn’t as comfortable as it had been before. It felt like we were strangers, and it was awkward. I chewed on my cheek, unsure of what to say. What did you say to a sibling you loved but didn't stay in contact with?
“I want to say you look happy, but you don’t in this moment.”
“I don’t exactly want to be here, but I am.”
“Why are you here?” he asked, tilting his head.
“Well, Riley lied and said you and everyone were being affected, so I was scared that something was happening.”
His frown deepened. “I’m gonna kill him.”
“It’s fine.” I looked away, looking towards his car. “Nice vehicle.”
“Thanks.”
The space fell quiet, and the wind blew. I pulled my cardigan tighter, and he frowned. “I’m sorry.” I looked at him. “I shouldn’t have let so much time grow between us.”
“It's both of our faults. It's just weird. We used to be so close. Now we hardly speak. We've never visited each other's place or know much about their lives.”
“I’ve seen your place.”
I rolled my eyes. “Not in a video you’ve been given from mom.”
He shook his head. “I’ve seen your place, Janella. I never went inside, but I’ve stopped to check on you.”
I froze at his words. “What? When?”
He shrugged. “Over the years. I go a couple of times a year. Went with mom once and made her promise not to tell you.”
I thought of all the times he said he couldn’t make it down. All the excuses, the same excuses I used to never come back. I figured that he just didn’t want to see me. I understood if he was angry and needed space.
“But…why?”
“Because I wanted to make sure you were okay. I mean, you were living in a car at one point.”
My eyes widened. “You knew about that?”
He nodded, giving me a smile. “Yeah, and might I add that was rather unpleasant to watch. Do you have any idea the restraint I had to not call our parents?”
I swallowed. “Why didn’t you?”
His smile disappeared. “Because I saw how hurt you were. How would you rather be homeless than go back? I felt it was partly my fault.”
I looked down at my hands, picking at my nails.
“I knew you had it rough, but I didn’t think…I don’t know what I thought. So, I kept my distance. It’s part of my responsibility to make sure you're safe and happy, and I clearly didn’t do well growing up.”
I shook my head. “You were a great brother, Troy. The best a person could ask for.” I chewed on my cheek. “I just wasn’t able to take it anymore. I didn’t want to be here.”
“You seem to be doing well there. Mom said you got a promotion recently. You’re thriving.”
I nodded. “I did. I’m happy there. And when this is all said and done, I’d like you to actually come visit. That is, if you have time since you’re an Alpha now.” I had wondered how that information hadn't been told to me before.
He smiled that proud grin I remembered from when we were little. I wish I had known sooner. “When did that happen?”
“Last year. I was shadowing the Alpha in the next town, and he passed away in the winter. It’s been a year, a month ago.”
“That’s great.” I felt that twist in my gut. “Are you married too? Have children? Anything else I don’t know about?”
His smile slipped, and I could feel that tension between us. Siblings who didn’t even know each other anymore.
“I’m not married. I’m not seeing anyone actually. I’ve focused on work and being the best Alpha I could be.”
“I bet you're good at it.”
He gave me a soft smile. “Do our parents know you're here?”
I shook my head. “No. I haven’t told them, but I’ll imagine they know. Word travels fast in a pack.”
“Why haven’t you seen them?”
I shrugged. “I’m still trying to process it all. That and I’m pretty sure I’ll cry. Mom’s going to ask questions, and I won’t be able to avoid them anymore. It’s pretty easy to do over the phone. Harder to do in person.”
He chuckled. “Yeah. You should tell them. I’m sure they would love to see you. Mom said she hasn’t seen you since Christmas, and that was five months ago.”
“I know. I’ll call and tell her.”
We fell into silence again, but it was a little less uncomfortable. Troy told me about his pack and how busy he was. But he came and visited our parents at least every other week. He asked about my work, and I told him about my life.
Troy ended up leaving an hour later, giving me a tight hug. I watched him drive away. I sighed and glanced down at my phone. I took a deep breath and pulled up Mom in my contacts. I pulled the phone up to my ear and listened to it ring. She answered. “Janella? Hi, honey.”
I swallowed. “Hi, Mom.” I chewed on my cheek. “Are you home today?”
The next couple of days were a blur. I spent endless hours inside on the couch.
I visited my parents almost daily after I finally called mom and told her I was in Riverville.
We all cried. Dad hugged me for over a minute.
Mom couldn’t believe that I was bonded with Riley.
There were endless questions, and many that I didn’t know how to answer.
I lay in bed until noon some days, and others I wouldn’t sleep. Scott was calling, asking for updates, and I was running out of lies. It had been almost two weeks now I felt trapped. I would have to tell him the truth.
I stared at the ceiling in the living room. Riley was out of the house, and I was starting to get bored. I sat up and glanced outside the window. I watched as an old couple walked by. A couple of kids across the street were playing in the yard. I could hear dogs barking down the block.
I knew that being cooped up wasn’t doing me any good. I needed to have that hard conversation with Scott. I needed to accept that this was going to be my new life for however long. I needed a plan. If I didn't want to lose it all, I needed to make sure it didn't all come crumbling down.
I pulled myself up and decided the first step was getting out. I needed to take the pack in and refresh my memory on where everything was.
I went and changed into a pair of jeans and a knitted sweater. I sent my mom a message asking if she wanted to meet me for lunch.
I decided to walk since Riley took the only vehicle we had. Another issue we would need to discuss. The weather was nice, so I didn't mind it.
I paused when I got to a park and noticed there was a softball game going on.
I could hear parents cheering and children laughing.
I turned and continued to walk. I was crossing the street and heading towards downtown.
I paused at a crosswalk and noticed a couple of women standing and staring at me.
I could tell they were whispering to each other, and my stomach dipped.
The cross turned green, and we started moving. They were quiet as they walked by me, but as soon as they passed, they continued to whisper.
“Is that who the Alpha married? Out of all the women he could have bonded with, he married her? She looks like a fragile little doll. She probably would snap like a twig.”
I paused for a split second and bit hard on my cheek. I forced myself to keep moving. I shouldn't care. It wasn't like our marriage was legit anyway.
The more I walked, the more I heard.
“Look at her.”
“Jesus, does she eat?”
“How are they supposed to make strong children? She looks like she can’t even hold herself up.”
I was naturally small. I was a petite woman, and I always said my mind was sharper than my body. But I was starting to feel like I should have stayed home.
Most of Riverville was the same. There were the same shops and restaurants that were here when I was a kid. I couldn’t help but smile a little, finding that my favorite breakfast place was still open.
“Janella?”
I turned as I heard my name and froze as a woman stood just a few feet behind me.
Her eyes were wide as she stared at me, and her mouth dropped open a little.
It took me a moment to realize that it was Kyla.
Her short hair had grown out, and she was wearing it over her shoulders.
Her deep green eyes had seemed almost darker since I last saw her.
But as she smiled, it was the same.
Kyla and I had been close friends in high school. Or at least, as close as I would allow. We were both ostracized from other groups, so we leaned on each other to survive. But as soon as we graduated, I never reached out.
“Kyla. Wow, hey.”
“You know I heard you were back, but I didn’t believe it.” She moved closer. “Dang, how have you been? Are you really married to Riley now?”
I nodded. “I am.”
She looked stunned. “Wow. Married to your high school bully. That’s…”
“It sucks,” I admitted, not finding the need to lie to her. She wouldn't likely see through it.
She nodded, giving me a pitiful expression. “I bet. Jesus, how have you been besides that?”
“I’m doing well, actually. And you?”
She shrugged. “I’m fine. Been busy with work. I actually work at the bakery my folks own.”
“Oh, that’s nice. Your folks must be so proud to have you in the family business.”
“Janella.” I heard my name, and we both turned to find my mother walking towards us. She had a big grin on her face as she hurried towards us. “Oh, Kyla. How are you, dear? Are you joining us for lunch?”
Kyla quickly shook her head. “No, I’m actually on the way to work. Was just stopping to say hi to Janella.”
“Oh, that’s sweet of you, dear.” My mother stopped next to me, her smile growing. “We’ll have to do lunch together.”
Kyla nodded and gave me another smile before slipping past us. My mother turned her smile to me. “Oh, I’m just so excited we’re doing lunch.”
I gave my mom a smile in return. I wanted to forget about my entire walk here and all the looks and whispers I received. I just wanted to spend some time with my mom.
“How have you been, sweetie?” My mom pulled at my arm as we headed inside and got a booth in front of one of the windows.
“I’m good, Mom.”
She still held the grin. “I’m just so happy that you're home.”
I felt my stomach twist up.
“What do you feel like eating? They haven’t changed the menu. You liked the veggie burger from here, right?”
I looked outside the window and spotted Riley walking down the street. Someone was walking with him, and they looked deep in conversation. I could see his brows were knitted together as he spoke, looking like he was serious.
My mother kept talking, but my eyes tracked him. He held that grumpy expression as he walked, but I could see her cared. He paused when kids threw a ball across the street. He made sure they didn't run in front of any cars as he grabbed the ball.
“Janella?”
I turned my gaze back to my mother, who raised an eyebrow at me. “I asked if you like a veggie burger?”
I nodded. “Yeah, sounds great.”