When We Stopped Holding Back
Country: Aurivelle
City: Auremont
Alvara
I could see a different look in his eyes as he stared at me this time around.
Not the composed one.
Not the professional one.
Not even the rare smile one.
Something older than all of those.
Something that had been patient for a very long time.
He turned properly to face me and I felt my legs become weak again.
Oh God.
Did I really say that?
Two words I had said before I had finished deciding them.
And now he was looking at me like that and my legs were unreliable and there was nowhere to go because the glass wall was behind me and he was in front of me and every version of the past months was present in this room right now.
He moved closer to me and touched the tip of my hair.
His fingers are barely there.
But I felt it everywhere.
"Are you sure about that?" he asked.
His voice was low.
The particular low that was never for anyone else.
I found myself nodding.
Before my mind had finished consulting my body.
He moved me slowly to the glass wall again.
The city below us.
He stared at me without saying a word.
Just looking.
Why is he looking at me like that?
And then slowly so slowly he placed his lips on mine.
Like that was the first time he was doing it.
Like everything before had been practice for this.
Oh.
I tried touching him.
Reaching for him.
But he got hold of my hands and pinned them to the wall.
Still kissing me.
Breathlessly.
Our tongues found each other.
Slow first.
Then everything at once.
By the time we unlocked I was gasping for air.
"Grayson," I called faintly as I tried to catch my breath.
He lifted my hands.
Made me wrap them around his shoulders.
Is he not supposed to take me to the bed?
He placed his forehead on mine.
His breathing is not perfectly steady either.
Which was the most honest thing about this moment.
And then he reached for the zip of my dress.
The slow drag of it down my back.
I felt every centimetre.
He pulled the dress to my waist.
I released a light gasp.
I stared into his face as he sent his hands to my bare back.
The warmth of his palms against my skin.
I shivered.
He released soft breaths on my face as he reached for the hook of my bra.
He unhooked it.
I wavered.
He noticed.
Of course he noticed.
He noticed everything.
"Are you scared?" he asked in a whisper.
I nodded lightly.
This isn't my first time .
Once.
And it was nothing like this.
So yes, I'm scared.
He pulled the bra off.
And looked at me.
He took one of my breasts into his hand.
Fondling it gently.
He lowered his face.
Bit my nipple.
"Ah" I gasped.
What was that.
He teased the nipple with his tongue.
Slow circles.
Then he took the full weight into his mouth.
Sucking.
Tingling.
"Grayson…" I moaned.
I did not plan to do that.
That sound came out of me before I gave it permission.
I found myself gripping his head to my chest.
My fingers sliding into his hair.
My head falling back against the wall.
What is he doing.
Oh my God !
He used his free hand to hold the other breast.
Rolling the nipple between his thumb and finger.
Still feeding on the first.
Both hands.
Both of them.
All of his attention.
On me.
This is genuinely too much sensation at once.
I did not know it could feel like this.
"Wait…" I mumbled.
He pulled his lips from my nipple and looked at me.
That look.
With the slight curve.
"Should I?" he asked with a smirk.
He rested his forehead on mine again.
His hands moved to my waist.
Oh God.
He started pulling the dress down.
I found myself holding him so tight.
Feeling so nervous.
Hold on.
We are still standing.
Why hasn't he taken me to the bed yet.
Fully.
Completely.
As it got to my hips he snapped it.
Ripped it into two.
What.
And now …
I was completely naked in front of him.
My hands were still wrapped around his shoulders.
Don't look down please.
He took my lips into his.
Kissing me.
There.
He rubbed it gently
Unhurried.
"Oh God…"
My whole system is shaking.
He fondled with it for a while.
Watching my face.
I should be embarrassed but I wasn't.
And then he pushed a finger in.
"Ah…"
"Oh please…" my voice shook as he moved slowly.
In.
Out.
Too slow.
Too slow and too deliberate and I cannot..
"Oh…" I moaned in pain as he entered another finger.
I almost lost my balance I gripped him tighter.
His other hand moved to my breast.
Caressing gently.
While the other hand thrust roughly in and out of me.
"Oh my .. please.." I moaned.
He pulled out his fingers and I was relieved.
But he inserted them again.
He started kissing me immediately.
I couldn't moan out, I moaned into his lips.
He kept moving his fingers while kissing me.
It hurt.
It hurt significantly.
But the kiss was there.
The warmth of his mouth against mine.
Absorbing the sounds.
He broke the kiss.
Brought out his fingers.
Kissed me tenderly.
I had no idea he was unhooking his belt.
I was engrossed in the kiss.
Completely gone in it.
He broke the kiss when it had gotten to his legs.
My eyes widened.
He was taking it off.
I flinched when I saw it.
Something like a rod pointed directly at me.
That is…
No.
That is not going to fit.
I cringed.
I took my eyes away immediately.
"Do you want me to stop?" he asked.
His voice was low.
Entirely composed.
How.
How is he composed right now?
He lifted my right leg slowly.
Wrapped it around him.
"I don't know," I said silently.
I genuinely could not hear myself.
He didn't stop.
He made sure my leg was properly wrapped.
Oh God.
I can feel him pressing it hard.
How is he this…
I felt the tip go in slightly.
I flinched.
He pulled out.
Then again.
Pulled out again.
"Hah…" I winced as he forced it into me.
Oh God that HURTS.
I said I was ready.
I thought I was ready.
I was not adequately prepared.
"Oh my God… no…"
With his hand in my hair.
His head leaned on my shoulder.
My legs were shaking.
Completely unreliable.
I could not bring them down.
My toes are shaking.
I didn't know my toes could shake independently.
"You're hurting me…" I cried.
I pierced my fingers into his shoulders.
I need something to hold.
I need to hold onto something or I will genuinely pass out.
"Please…" I whimpered.
Why isn't he listening?
It hurt like hell.
I had no idea it would still be this painful.
He dipped his hands into my waist.
Grunted once.
Low and involuntary.
My fingers pierced deep into his skin.
I think I might be drawing blood.
I can't stop.
I genuinely cannot release my grip.
"Please … stop…"
I felt Full.
Impossibly full.
It was so deep and painful.
Everything is aching.
"I'm sorry, Starling."
He lifted his head from my shoulder.
His eyes found mine.
He looks undone.
That is the most human I have ever seen him.
I just nodded painfully.
He wasn't moving.
Just there.
Still inside me.
Letting me adjust.
He touched my lips.
Kissed them.
"What do you like about me?" he asked.
What.?
In the middle of this?
"Huh?" he repeated when I didn't answer.
I whimpered.
Breathing was genuinely difficult.
"Your eyes … l … lips " I shivered.
He smiled.
The real one.
He placed his hands on the wall behind me.
Made a slight movement.
"Argh…" I lifted my head.
"You're hurting me…"
"I'm sorry," he whispered into my ear.
His voice was rough.
Low.
Nothing composed about it.
And began thrusting in and out of me.
"No…" I shrieked.
I wished there was a way I could move away from him.
?But unfortunately, there wasn't.
?
?My right leg was still wrapped around him and I found it impossible bringing it down.
?
My waist was hurting.
Everything was hurting.
My fingers went deeper into his skin.
I think he is bleeding but I still can't let go.
He didn't move from the pain of it.
Just stayed.
Absorbed it.
He is letting me hold on as hard as I need to.
"Grayson…" I cried out.
Hugging him so tightly trying so hard to bear the excruciating pains, but couldn't
My toes were shaking.
He kept thrusting but no longer slow.
Consistent.
Something is changing.
The pain is still there.
But underneath it
Something that isn't pain.
Something that is making the pain bearable.
"Please…" I continued.
Oh God I should not have agreed to this.
I should absolutely have agreed to this.
Both of those things are true simultaneously.
"I'm sorry, Starling," he whispered softly.
His breath warm against my ear.
"It's gonna be all over soon. I promise."
He sounds affected.
His voice is not steady.
He is not unaffected by this.
That matters.
I don't know why that matters so much right now but it does.
I shut my eyes.
"Take a deep breath," he said, holding my cheeks.
"I can't," I shook my head.
"I can't breathe."
"Yes you can, Starling. You can," he said.
I gripped him tighter.
I tried to breathe.
Failed.
I tried again.
"Please, it hurts…"
He held my waist.
And began thrusting in and out of me again.
Slower this time.
Different.
I shut my eyes.
He drilled into me slowly.
And something underneath the pain
Was not painful
"Oh … please…"
He suddenly stopped.
But didn't pull out.just held my hair and remained stuck in me.
The stillness is almost worse.
He used one hand to hold my face.
Looked into my eyes.
"I'm sorry for causing you this pain."
His voice was rough.
Raw.
"I will cherish you forever."
Don't say things like that.
Not right now.
Not when I am like this.
"You're mine forever," he said softly.
I am and I know it and I knew it before tonight.
But hearing it right now…
In this moment…
Against this glass with the city below and his hands on my face and his voice like that..
I have no defenses left.
None.
He took my lips.
Kissed me tenderly.
So tender.
He began thrusting again.
"Oh…!"
I pulled my lips away immediately.
There it is again.
That thing underneath the pain.
That is that is not pain.
"Argh…"
"Oh please…"
"Wait…"
"Please … stop it…"
"Oh…!"
My mouth is asking him to stop.
The rest of me is not asking him to stop.
The rest of me is…
My moans filled the entire room.
All of it.
Uncontrolled.
Unbothered.
I have no more dignity to protect.
And after a while
He released, inside me
And I felt it.
His full weight was against me.
His head on my shoulder.
Both of us were completely still.
Both of us breathing like we had survived something.
My legs gave out completely.
I fell into his arms.
And everything went dark.