Chapter 4
I made it home before the bus, my cheeks still flaming at the way I’d behaved. Landon. Shit. Listening to him talk was hypnotic. I could have stood there all day. The way he described flowers as if they were erotic.
I fanned my face. I could not think about him like that. I couldn’t think about him at all.
Reegan wasn’t a good friend, but we had friends in common. They were a couple everyone expected to get back together, eventually. After three years together, they were enmeshed in each other’s lives. It was inevitable that they would work it out.
It didn’t matter that it had been a year since they broke up. I was not wading into the middle of that.
Plus, I didn’t want a relationship.
A fling would be—
No! No. I could not think about a fling with Landon. He wasn’t really available. And I was too old for him.
The bus rumbled down the road toward the building, giving me the distraction I needed to pay attention to what really mattered. My daughter.
When we moved into the apartment, Mikayla was embarrassed.
She hated we had to give up the house we’d lived in since she was a baby.
I felt the same, but I couldn’t afford it on my own, and Kyle didn’t want to stay there.
Before we were even officially separated, he’d found someone to live with, so selling the house meant he had money in the bank and I had money to pay for Mikayla and me for a while.
After a year in the apartment, she was getting used to living here and liked it. I had a suspicion her favorite part was that she got off the bus without me being outside and had her own key to get into the building.
She didn’t have to know I watched from the window and rushed to the kitchen and pretended to be casual by the time she made it to our apartment.
“I’m home!” Mikayla called as she walked into the apartment.
I emerged from the kitchen, wiping my dry hands on a dishtowel. “Hi, honey. How was your day?”
“It was so good. I got to sing the solo in chorus today, and Mr. Johnson said I should try out for the lead in the school musical next week!” Her smile lit up her entire face, her blue eyes sparkling with joy.
“Wow! That’s amazing. If anyone knows, it’s your chorus teacher. When are the auditions?”
“Thursday. You have to sign my paper so I can do it. And you have to pick me up from school because there’s no bus.”
“I have to pick you up?” I did mental gymnastics as I processed what that would mean.
“Yeah, but you’re always home anyway, so what difference does it make?”
The preteen in her was coming out. She wasn’t wrong, but damn, did she have to say it like that? “It will probably be fine, but you could ask instead of demanding.”
“Sorry,” she murmured.
I counted to ten, knowing I wouldn’t get the request. “Are you going to ask?”
She sighed like I was the most ridiculous person ever. “Can you pick me up after auditions on Thursday? Please?”
“Yes.”
She grinned before I opened my mouth to continue, then scowled.
“I need a schedule for rehearsals and all the things that you’re going to need to be there for. And you need to make sure you’re still getting your schoolwork done. Finish homework, stay on top of anything you miss, and don’t fall behind.”
“I won’t. I promise.” The excitement was there, waiting for me to officially agree.
“Okay. We will figure it out.”
“Yay! Thank you, Mom!” She threw herself at me, hugging me tight around my middle.
I hugged her back and kissed her head. She wiggled immediately, pulling back.
I let her go, missing the little kid years.
Before I’d gotten pregnant with her, I’d hoped to have a big family.
Three or more kids, preferably more. But things didn’t go as planned.
Kyle and I talked about more kids, but it never felt right.
After a decade of marriage and a few short months for the divorce, I was left half relieved we didn’t have more and half disappointed I was almost out of time.
Thirty-eight hit me hard a few weeks ago.
The likelihood that I’d have another kid was pretty close to zero.
Even lower when I had no interest in a new relationship.
But I knew that was the right choice for me.
I couldn’t handle the ups and downs of another person’s emotions anymore.
Not when I was going to be dealing with a teenager’s emotions soon enough and had my own to handle.
Mikayla got a snack, then settled on the couch for an hour to watch TV, like she always did when she got home.
We argued about her starting homework right away, but she said she wanted time to relax before she did her work.
She negotiated for that hour with the promise that she would do things my way if she didn’t get her work done.
After almost a month of trying it her way, she proved she would do it, and I backed off.
I took advantage of that hour to write and finish up anything for my upcoming articles, when I had one. Since I was meeting with Natalie and Omar the next day for wedding preparations, I wanted to review the plan for the day.
Shit. They were looking at flowers. At Blossom & Grow. Where I’d embarrassed myself just an hour ago. Of course they were. I couldn’t start when they were tasting cake or making a seating chart or… anything except returning to the place where I made a fool of myself.
I had to get the hell over it. I was a big girl. And I was going to be there for a story. Not for Landon.
My phone vibrated with a message, and I took advantage of the distraction. I smiled when I saw a notification from Book Boyfriends Wanted.
DirtyLife
You never answered my question. What do you need from a relationship to feel appreciated? What are you looking for?
I sighed heavily. How did I admit to him that I didn’t really want a relationship? That I wanted to feel desirable but without the weight of dedication to one person who would inevitably let me down?
TooBusy
I guess I don’t really know. I told you I’m divorced, and my marriage was okay for a while, but mostly it was like we were roommates. I’m not looking for that again.
DirtyLife
So you want passion. You want someone who makes you feel like you are the only thing they think about when you’re not together. Someone who lives and breathes for you.
TooBusy
That’s exhausting. I don’t think I could handle someone who didn’t have their own sense of independence. Someone who didn’t have interests and a life outside of me. I have my kid to think about, and work, and I don’t have time to be everything to someone else.
DirtyLife
It’s funny because I never thought about passion that way. As something that could drain someone. With my ex, when we were together, it was good. Great even. We fit. But there was always a part of me that knew it wasn’t right. Not that I had the guts to say that to her, or anyone else.
TooBusy
I get that. I was the same with my husband. Nothing was specifically wrong, but it wasn’t right either.
DirtyLife
Yes! That’s it exactly. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s not wrong.
TooBusy
Because sometimes it’s better to not be alone.
DirtyLife
Yeah.
TooBusy
Yeah.
DirtyLife
But what I’ve realized since that relationship ended is that it’s also exhausting to try to hold something together that isn’t meant to be. We didn’t want the same things. And trying to make it happen would have meant us hating each other.
TooBusy
That’s not fair to anyone. I feel the same mostly. Although I’m angry that I’m the one acting like the responsible adult and my ex gets to live without responsibility.
DirtyLife
That sucks.
TooBusy
It does. But I have custody, and I love having time with my kid, so I really can’t complain. He doesn’t make time for her, and even though I hate it for her, I also know if she did see him much, it wouldn’t be better. He was never a great father.
DirtyLife
Sounds like she’s lucky to have you.
TooBusy
I think I’m the lucky one.
“Mom, can you help me with my math homework?” Mikayla asked, dragging her backpack to the table and sitting next to me.
As she pulled her folder out and searched for a pencil, I read DirtyLife’s last message.
DirtyLife
How anyone could walk away from that amazes me. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. But my ex wasn’t looking for a family. She didn’t want kids.
TooBusy
Not everyone is meant to be a parent. My daughter wasn’t planned, but she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And she needs my help with homework, so I need to go.
DirtyLife
Talk soon. Enjoy your evening.
TooBusy
Thanks. You too.
I flipped my phone over and focused on Mikayla. She was the most important thing to me. She had to be. Always.
I loaded Mikayla up on Saturday morning and drove to her bestie’s house.
Melody Holland had become a close friend over the years since the girls became friends.
Melody and her husband, Ramsey, went through a separation years ago, but they were able to find their way back together.
Still, she understood how tough marriage and parenting and life could be and was always there for Mikayla and me.
Mikayla tore out of the car, racing to the open door as Amber appeared. I followed more slowly, the girls disappearing into the house before Melody walked out.
“Good morning,” Melody said, reaching to hug me. “How are you?”
“Good. Tired.”
Melody nodded. “It’s not easy doing it all yourself. Ramsey said he’ll be happy to have Mikayla here if you ever want to join me for book club again.”
“Thanks,” I said, knowing I wouldn’t take him up on it. I’d leaned on them too much over the last year. Asking them to watch Mikayla when I needed to do assignments and meet with my lawyer and work. I was not going to ask them to help out so I could socialize.
“I know that really means you’re never going to ask, but Ramsey said it’s good for Amber to have time with her friend. It’s not a bother for us. Ever. Mikayla is an amazing kid, and we love that they have stayed so close for so long.”
“I love it, too.”