11. Jack
Jack
I look up and all I see is the bottom of my mattress, and feel the hardwood of the floor pressing cold into my back. But it’s the smell that hits me the most. It’s old and musty, and my nose itches from the dust and the air feels too tight, like the space is shrinking around me.
I feel completely entombed.
I go to crawl out, but her face appears in front of me, and she shakes her head. Her eyes are wide, terrified, telling me to stay where I am. To hide. To be quiet.
“Don’t make a sound, okay, sweetheart. You be good for Mumma and stay quiet.”
I nod because I don’t know what else to do. My throat won’t work, and my chest feels too small.
“Good boy. Be good, and don’t forget that Mumma loves you.”
“Love you too, Mumma.”
She reaches out to me, her hand trembling, and I grab it. Her skin feels warm, familiar, and that is when I see my own hand.
Small. Soft. A child’s hand.
She wipes her face with her free hand, her fingers shaking as she brushes tears from beneath her eyes. Her breath catches, and I know she is trying not to cry, trying to be strong for me. Trying to make me believe everything will be okay.
“Listen to me, sweetheart. None of this is your fault, okay, Jack. Not one bit of it.”
Her voice breaks, and she swallows hard as more tears stream down her cheek, landing on the floor.
“You didn’t do anything wrong, Jack. Nothing, you hear me, and if someone ever tries to make you believe that, you don’t listen to them. You hear me?”
I nod as she grasps my hand tightly, as if terrified I will disappear.
“You’re my beautiful boy, you know that, right?”
I nod again, slower this time. I can feel tears running down my face, but I can’t pull away to wipe them because Mumma holds my hands too tightly. Her hands are so warm, soft. She’s alive, and I don’t want to let her go.
She kisses my hand. “You are not bad. You are not difficult, and sweetheart, you don’t need fixing. You don’t believe your dad or uncle. They are lying to you, Jack. You are so special. So very special.”
She smiles then. It is small, barely there, but the look in her eyes is nothing but love for me. I can see it. I can feel it.
“You are my son, and being your mum has been the greatest thing that ever happened to me, Jack.”
Her lips press hard against my knuckles, “I wish I had more time.”
“Mumma, what do you mean? You’re not going anywhere, right?”
My heart knows the truth, though. My brain tries to tell me something different. It tells me I will see her again.
That I will crawl out from under this bed and she’ll take me downstairs and make me a hot chocolate and give me one of her chocolate chip biscuits she always has. She knows they are my favourite, so she always keeps them in the tin on the bench.
She shuts her eyes at my words. “To love you, Jack. To love you.”
I stare at her, confused. I don’t understand anymore. She is talking like she is leaving me. “But you love me now?” My voice shakes with fear and confusion.
A broken laugh escapes her, and she lifts her tear-filled eyes to mine. “Yes, baby. I love you.”
She presses my hand to her cheek, her voice falling to a whisper. “One day, my beautiful boy, you’re going to find him.”
I frown. “Him?”
“Your soulmate, sweet boy.” She smiles through her tears, and my heart jumps in my chest.
It was last year when the realisation that I might like boys more than girls had shifted my world. I never really understood it until I saw one of the boys at school and fell in love with him. I thought he was so cute, I had followed him around everywhere, and I had told her about him every day.
My mother tightens her grip, pulling me a little closer.
“A man who will look at you and see everything I see. He’ll see your heart, how kind and brave you are. And he will love you for every piece of you.”
I stare at her, not quite understanding.
“When you find him, sweetheart, don’t be afraid of that love.” Her fingers curl gently around mine. “Reach for it, sweet boy.”
She threads her fingers through mine and squeezes, and a sob catches in her throat. But she forces herself to smile.
She releases my hand and pulls off her wedding ring. I’m confused, that’s her wedding ring. She never takes it off, why would she now.
“And when that man comes into your life, you don’t run from him.” She presses my little hand against her heart.
“You let him love you, and you give him this.” She slips the ring onto my thumb. “This is for the man you love, Jack. You give him this.” Her eyes close as she holds my hand tighter. “And you love him back with everything you have,” she whispers the last words against my hand.
“Reach for that love, sweetheart. Grasp it with both hands… and you never let go. Promise me, Sweet boy.”
I nod, “I promise mumma.”
We lay there quiet and still, Mum holding my hand, her watching me, and I can feel my eyes getting heavy.
I hear the words she whispers to me as I fall asleep, under that bed with dust and cobwebs as my companions. I feel her hand heavy in mine, and her thumb lightly rubbing against my knuckles.
Her words lull me to sleep.“I love you, Jack. You are loved. I’m so sorry.”
* * *
I wake to silence where my mum should be, and sound of heavy footsteps moving through the house. I stay where I am because that’s what she told me to do, but that is when I hear him, and my small body shakes with fear.
Uncle Ray.
“Where the fuck is he, Sonya.” His voice full of rage, and I press myself further back against the wall.
“You don’t get him anymore, Ray. No more. He is a little boy. You need to stop this.” I can hear her voice shaking as she stands her ground.
Then I hear her cry out, a sharp sound that makes my whole body lock up.
“Ray, let me go. Dale, help me!”
“I won’t ask again, Sonya, Where. The. Fuck. Is he?” His words come out low and dangerous, and my body is shaking so hard the dust around me stirs.
I cover my mouth and nose, fighting the urge to sneeze. I can’t make a sound. I can’t let him find me.
“I’m not telling you, you don’t get him anymore, Ray. This is over. Dale, you need to stop this. He’s your son, your own flesh and blood, and you just let Ray do this to him!”
I hear my father say something, but his voice is too quiet to make out. Then I hear my mother crying.
“Dale, he’s just a baby. You can’t…”
“Enough!” Ray’s shout shakes the walls, and his next words hit me like a blow.
“Last time, Sonya. Where the fuck is he?”
“I’m not telling you.”
A frustrated growl tears out of him.
“You never deserved him, Dale. He has a good heart, and all you want to do is break it. You’ll never be his dad.”
Tears run hot and fast down my face, my hand clamped over my mouth to stop the sobs. And then I hear it.
A cry.
A scream,
Then a sound that doesn’t make sense at first, followed by a heavy thud, of something hitting the stairs.
Thud.
Then another.
Crack.
Then another.
Then there’s silence.
My mothers screams echo inside my head, bouncing around my skull, carving themselves into me forever.
Then silence. It’s the kind that makes my stomach twist, forcing vomit from my mouth onto the floor beside me.
“Mumma…” My voice small and broken.
I lay there sobbing, wanting to run to her, to protect her, I close my eyes, staying hidden like she told me to.
I don’t know how long I slept, but when I wake the house is deadly silent. Even the walls feel like they’re holding their breath.
I listen for what feels like forever, but nothing moves.
I crawl out from under the bed, brushing dust from my clothes. Tiptoeing to the door I open it just enough to listen. Still nothing.
I step into the hallway and reach the top of the stairs. My small, bare toes curl over the edge of the cold step. My heart slams against my ribs, my fingernails digging into my palms until I feel warmth under them. My blood dripping heavy onto the floor.
At the bottom of the stairs, my mother lies still.
Her head rests at an angle that makes my stomach twist. Her eyes are open, looking up at me like she’s about to smile and say something gentle. I watch her closely, but she doesn’t move. I wait holding my breath to see if she will take one herself, but her chest doesn’t rise.
My feet carry me down the stairs one step at a time, each breath pushing me closer to her. Her face is pale, her lips tinged with blue, her dress rumpled around her legs.
I stop on the second to last step.
“Mumma.” My voice barely a whisper.
I look around, expecting my father or Ray to appear and drag me away, but no one comes.
I step onto the bottom stair.
“Mumma?” My hear hammers so hard it hurts.
A tiny sound escapes me, a broken breath, because in that moment I know. I know she’s dead.
My fingers roll her ring on my thumb as I stand over her. My ten-year-old body doesn’t understand everything, but my mind does.
Ray threw her down the stairs, while my father watched. And my mumma died protecting me.
I sit down beside her, my legs touching her arm, and I lift my hand to her face. I flinch, pulling my hand away. It should be warm, but it’s so cold.
I try to wake her one last time. “Mumma. Wake up. Wake up, please. I’ll be good.”
I don’t hear them come in, but suddenly harsh hands clamp down on my shoulders. A scream rips out of me, raw and painful. I look up and see Ray’s face twisted with rage.
“Found you.”
* * *
Screams rip out of my lungs, and I bolt upright in bed, the sun barely peeking through.
Sweat drips down my skin as my chest fights for air.
My hands claw into my hair, pulling at it, desperate for something to ground me.
I drag a shaking hand down my face, wiping tears only for more to replace them.
“Mumma.” Sobs tear through my throat, as I call out her name.
“Jack! Oh, baby.” Silas sits up beside me instantly, pulling me into his lap, guiding me until I’m straddling him, pressed tight against his chest. I bury my face into his neck, my mouth latching onto him. His arms wrap around me, strong and steady, holding me together as I fall apart.
My body won’t stop trembling as the dream clings to me like a second skin.