Chapter 19
They had had dinner together every night for three nights in a row, so when, on the fourth night, Leonard didn’t come to the table, Prudence felt justified in beginning to worry about it.
What had gone wrong? She went over her actions in her mind, searching for anything that might have driven him to decide to neglect their usual time together. She could find nothing. There’d been no arguments between them. In fact, they hadn’t even seen one another since dinner last night…
The dinner where we spoke about what my life would be like after he was gone.
Her blood chilled at the realization. He must have chosen to stay away today because of that conversation.
Like her, he must be thinking about the fact that what was between the two of them wasn’t permanent.
He must be planning ahead with that future in mind.
He had chosen not to come to the table today because he was trying to prepare both of them for the day that was drawing ever closer—the day when he wouldn’t be here any longer.
Her appetite left her suddenly, and she pulled her napkin from her lap and set it down on the table.
“Have you finished eating, Your Grace?” the footman in the corner of the room spoke up. “Shall I take your plate?”
“You can have it sent up to my room in a few hours,” Prudence said. “I’m sure I will be hungry later.” It was an optimistic thought. Her appetite had likely deserted her for the night—unless, of course, she was to see some sort of resolution with Leonard. That would be enough to restore her.
This is madness. My ability to eat food cannot be dependent on the state of my relationship with my husband!
Does every lady grow this ridiculous after she marries, or is something the matter with me in particular?
Is there something preventing me from keeping a level head?
I can’t imagine what could be the cause of it, but I do know that I’ve never been this foolish before in my life.
She knew what her sisters would say about it, too.
Arabella and Caroline would look at her with knowing delight and insist that they had seen this coming all along, that of course Prudence had lost her ability to function, and that nothing else was ever to be expected from a young lady who was falling in love with her husband.
So, they can never be told of course. The last thing I need is to have to explain to them the difference between true love and… and whatever this is.
She couldn’t have explained it to herself.
But of course, it wasn’t love. The idea was unfathomable.
She didn’t even want to be in this marriage!
All right, she had learned to tolerate it lately and to see it for the good things it had to offer, but that didn’t mean that she would have chosen it for herself, had everything else been equal.
Of course, she wouldn’t. This was never what she had wanted for herself, and she’d allowed herself to lose sight of that in recent days because she was having such a good time getting to know her husband.
She strode from the dining room, determined to find him.
When she did, she would tell him that things needed to change between the two of them.
She would see to it that he understood why it wasn’t fair to bond with her the way he had been, given that he planned on leaving soon.
If the two of them were not going to share their lives, then there was no purpose behind the friendship they had been building.
She suspected she would find him in his study, and sure enough, the door stood closed, and the light of a candle flickered underneath it, letting her know that someone was inside.
She hesitated for only a moment, remembering how little he liked it when she bothered him at work in his study—but after all, she had been bothered.
It was dinner time, and with no explanation, he had simply failed to present himself.
She deserved better than that, and as a consequence, she wasn’t going to sit out here and fuss with herself about whether she had the right to open this door.
She opened it.
For a moment, she thought she had been wrong and that he wasn’t there at all, for the light was dim, and there was no movement. But then the image came into focus.
He was seated at his desk—or rather, he was slumped over it, head pillowed on his arms. She briefly thought he wasn’t moving, and in that moment, the fear that struck through her was unlike anything she had ever experienced in her life.
It was a cold horror that froze her where she stood and left her unable to move at all.
Then he grunted and let out a snore.
The laugh of relief that escaped her was closer to a sob. How could she have been so foolish? He wasn’t harmed. He was only sleeping. The silly man!
The thought was filled with an affection that, in the past, she had only ever felt for her sisters. She went into the room and pulled the door slightly closed behind her, leaving it open just a crack.
He had books spread open in front of him. Financial ledgers. Glancing at them, she recognized that they had nothing to do with the household finances. These were the books for his business dealings. He had been working on them and had simply grown so exhausted that he had fallen asleep.
And her heart ached for him.
He’s been through so much lately. Losing track of Peter.
Having to marry me. Planning to move to the country so that he and I can both retain our independence in the face of this unexpected union.
It’s a great deal for any one man to have to manage.
Of course, he’s been losing sleep. Of course, he’s tired.
I’m glad he’s getting some rest—I only wish it was happening in a more comfortable place!
There was a knitted blanket draped over a chair in the corner of the room.
She picked it up, went to stand behind him, and carefully draped it over his shoulders.
Then she rested her hands there for just a moment.
It was more than she would have dared if he was awake, and the most affectionate touch she had ever initiated with him. Her heart seemed to skip a beat.
How could she have been angry with him for missing dinner? She couldn’t. He was going through too much at the moment, and right now, all she wanted was for him to get some rest.
Sleep well, Leonard.
She extinguished his candle so that the flickering light wouldn’t stir him from his sleep and crept back toward the door. Pulling it open, she stepped out into the hall.
Mrs. Mills was just approaching. Her eyes widened at the sight of Prudence. “Your Grace—!”
Prudence pressed a finger to her lips, took Mrs. Mills gently by the arm, and led her away.
When they had reached a great enough distance that Prudence felt confident they wouldn’t be overheard, she turned to the housekeeper. “Mrs. Mills,” she said, “His Grace is currently asleep in the study. I wish the staff to know that he isn’t to be disturbed by anyone but his personal valet.”
“Of course,” Mrs. Mills said. “I’ll let the others know not to go into the study.”
“Thank you.” Prudence sighed. “It feels like the least I can do at the moment, protecting his solitude to the extent I can. He’s had a difficult few weeks, and I want him to get as much rest as he can while he is able to.”
Mrs. Mills eyed her thoughtfully. “That’s caring of you, Your Grace.”
The expression on her face prickled. “I know what you’re thinking, Mrs. Mills, and you’re wrong.”
“I’m not thinking anything.” Her tone was far too innocent. “I only thought that it was lucky for His Grace that he has such a caring lady as his wife. Not all gentlemen are blessed with someone who worries for them that much.”
“That is truly what you were thinking?”
“Yes, it is,” Mrs. Mills assured her. She hesitated. “Might I speak frankly, Your Grace?”
“I’ve always considered you a friend, Mrs. Mills. Please, say what’s on your mind.”
“I’ve known His Grace for a long time,” she said.
“He has never been the sort of man to prioritize himself over others. He does not even think of himself when the option to think of someone else is available to him. I know that you might not see him that way of course. I know that things are complex between the two of you, but the man I know has been eternally selfless and self-sacrificing.”
“I do see those qualities in him,” Prudence confessed. “I haven’t known him that long, but it seems he is perpetually motivated by what would benefit those he considers to be in his care. His brother Peter for instance.”
“I don’t know if he’ll ever recover from the way Lord Hall abandoned this family,” Mrs. Mills sighed.
“I hope I don’t overstep, Your Grace, when I tell you that the staff is all fairly disappointed in Lord Hall and would be angry to see him return.
His Grace has done so much for his brother, and to see him be repaid so poorly… well, we don’t care for it.”
“I don’t care for it myself,” Prudence said softly, but she felt a dreadful guilt rise up within her.
Her role in that matter was simply impossible to ignore, and it followed her around, haunting her.
She knew that she had to take some responsibility for the suffering with which her husband had been left when his brother had run away.
Mrs. Mills cleared her throat. “At any rate,” she said, “when the two of you married, hopes were high that you would bring him some peace. That your presence in this house would be an uplifting one. And I daresay, it has been, Your Grace. But the truth is that your contributions to the well-being of your husband have been much greater than any of us had imagined or hoped for. With you here, Your Grace, he is a new man. He has energy and joy that I haven’t seen from him in years, and I’m grateful to be able to bear witness to it.
I’m grateful for your presence in his life. We all are.”
Prudence swallowed hard around the lump in her throat.
“Thank you, Mrs. Mills,” she managed. “I can’t tell you what that means to me.
You have all known him much longer than I have, and I believe you are the best judges of whether or not he is happy.
I can’t tell you what it means to me to think that my presence here has been beneficial.
Ours may not be a conventional marriage—it may have arisen from a complicated circumstance—but it still matters to me.
I still want to believe that I am a force for good in the Duke’s life. ”
“I don’t think there can be any arguing otherwise,” Mrs. Mills assured her.
“But, Your Grace, if I may venture just a little more boldness… I don’t believe that you should write your marriage off as simply an unconventional matter of convenience.
I think there is more to it than that, and I hate to see you deprive yourself of that.
” She met Prudence eyes. “I hope you can remain open to the possibility that the two of you do have potential. That maybe, one day, you might even find you have love for him.”