Chapter 38
Prudence leapt to her feet as Leonard burst into the sitting room. “Leonard! What are you doing here?”
“It is still my house, isn’t it?” Leonard asked her. “Or do you intend to take my home from me when this marriage is annulled?”
It was such an unfair thing to say that for a moment Prudence simply froze, unable to answer it.
When she found her voice, it felt as brittle as ice.
“No, of course not,” she said. “You won’t have to worry about that.
I’ll be out of your house and out of your hair in no time at all.
Of course, that’s what you wanted all along, I’m sure—to have me gone.
You thought you’d be happy to go and live in the country and let me have this place, but you’ve discovered you’re not willing to give anything up.
You must keep your country house, and you must keep this house, and the only thing you can stand to let go of is the wife you never really wanted. Isn’t that so?”
“I’m surprised to hear you speak like that.
” He moved slowly into the room and took a seat by the fire.
Not in the chair he usually liked best but in one that tended to be reserved for guests.
Prudence wondered whether his intent was to hurt her, sitting in that chair.
Then again, what could she do if it was?
“I don’t know why you’re surprised,” she managed eventually. “Did you think that wasn’t how I felt about all this? Did you think you would be able to waltz back into this house and that I would be sweet and humble about all you’ve put me through?”
The truth was that she’d had every intention of being sweet and humble about it.
She had signed the papers meaning nothing more than to give him exactly what he wanted.
She didn’t relish the thought of seeing him trapped in a marriage that clearly made him unhappy.
That was what both of them had dreaded. If there was a way for him to have his freedom, she wanted to give him that, both out of kindness and because she genuinely cared for him.
But seeing him had done something to her, had sparked an anger she hadn’t been ready to deal with. How could he march back in here and act as if she had been the one to do something wrong when she meant nothing more than to help him find his happiness? Had he always thought so little of her?
“Why are you back?” she asked, taking her own seat. Unlike him, she did choose her favorite chair, and she was perfectly willing to concede that she was trying to send a message in doing so. This is my home. The comforts here are my comforts.
Was he really going to try to take the house from her?
Surely, he didn’t dislike her enough to do that, did he?
This was about reclaiming his freedom, not punishing her.
But maybe he wouldn’t feel truly free until he was able to return to the life he’d had before knowing her.
She would have to move back in with her mother and father and begin her life anew.
And this will be one scandal too many. Even if I did want to marry again, which I’m not at all sure that I do, I doubt anyone would have me now. There can be no recovery for my life.
“I came back because I needed to speak to you,” Leonard told her.
“About what?”
“About the annulment papers. These things do require conversation between the relevant parties.”
“Don’t look at me as if you expect I should know that,” she said. “How many annulments have I gotten in my life? I know nothing whatsoever about these proceedings. I signed the papers that were put before me. That was all I knew to do.”
“Well, here are the papers back.” He dropped an envelope on the table in front of her. “Thank you for dealing with things quickly.”
Her gut wrenched. “No reason to draw it all out, I suppose,” she said softly.
“No reason at all,” he agreed. “And now, we must discuss what’s going to happen once the arrangements are finalized.”
“Yes, I suppose we should.” She felt ill at the suggestion. Whatever he was going to say, she didn’t want to hear it. She wanted to move on from all of this as quickly as possible.
“I’ve been thinking,” Leonard said. “And the more I think about it, the more it seems to me that it would be unfair of me to ask you to leave the house.”
“So, you do mean to let me stay?”
“I think it’s only fair after everything you’ve been through,” he agreed. He was eyeing her closely, Prudence realized, as if there was some specific response he had anticipated to this. “I wouldn’t want you to walk away from this marriage with nothing at all.”
“And yet you walked in here today reminding me that the house was still yours.”
“Yes. Ownership of this place is still mine,” he said.
“And the accompanying lands and tenants—those belong to me and always will. I will manage the business of this estate. But as for the house, that will belong to you and will be your home for as long as you wish it to be. That is, unless you would prefer to return to your parents’ house.
If that’s the way you feel, I can certainly respect it. ”
“No,” she said. “I think it would make sense for me to leave if I intended to search for another marriage to replace this one, but since I don’t, I’m just as well served by staying here.”
“And you’re sure that you don’t wish to marry again?” he asked.
“Yes. But do you? Because having a lady living in your estate might be difficult to explain to your wife.”
He chuckled humorlessly. “Yes,” he agreed.
“I can see how that would pose a problem to be sure. But as you know very well, I never wanted to marry. An annulment for me would not mean an opportunity to marry someone else. It would simply mean freedom from the current constraints under which I find myself—from being tied to another person so irrevocably.”
“But… forgive me.” Prudence had felt a small but tenacious fluttering of hope in her chest. She tried hard to ignore it.
A little hope was a dangerous thing, and the last thing she needed was to have her heart broken all over again.
Still, it was all but impossible to disregard this feeling.
“If you don’t mean for anything to change…
if you’re going to go back to the country, and I’m to remain in this house, and if neither one of us wishes to marry anyone else…
forgive me if I’m being foolish, but I don’t think I understand why we are annulling this marriage at all.
Surely, if it’s not going to make any difference to anything, we’re just wasting our time and that of the government? ”
“I thought an annulment was what you wanted,” Leonard said.
“Why did you think that? Did I send you papers requesting one?”
“No, but when you received these papers, you signed them so quickly,” he explained. “You didn’t even hesitate. If it wasn’t what you wanted in your heart of hearts, why would you have done such a thing?”
“Don’t tell me this has all been some sort of cruel test,” Prudence objected.
“Not a test, no. But I must admit that I’ve learned something here,” Leonard told her. “When you were so ready and eager to go along with the idea of an annulment, of course, I had to think that it was what you had secretly wanted all along.”
“Leonard, for heaven’s sake—how can you accuse me of that when I have never been secretive with you?
” Prudence burst out. “I have never concealed what I wanted from you. Operating in secret is what you do, not what I do. I’ve told you honestly at every turn what I want from this marriage—that all I want is for you to stay with me and to try to build something with me.
I’ve made a bit of a fool of myself, in fact, by admitting this to you again and again, only for you to give me nothing.
And now, you come to me and accuse me of wishing in secret to end the marriage? Don’t you think I’d have told you?”
“So, you’re saying that you don’t want this annulment.”
“I never did, Leonard. Not for a moment. This is something you want, so don’t put the desire for it at my feet. That isn’t how it is.”
Leonard closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.
Then he took the papers in his hand, tore them in half, and let the pieces drift to the floor.
Prudence stared at him in wonder and awe. “What are you doing?”
“I don’t want it either.” He rose to his feet, crossed to her side in two steps, took her hands, and pulled her upright.
“It was Peter who talked me into it. He believed it was what we wanted, that he would be doing us both a favor. I wasn’t sure.
And I didn’t want to give you up, not for anything.
I told him that I would do it only if it turned out to be what you wanted.
I told him that he could ask you, and that if you wished it, I would allow an annulment to take place.
But for your sake, Prudence, not for mine. It was never what I wanted for myself.”
“You didn’t?” she whispered shakily. “But you left…”
“You know why I left. I left because the situation had gotten too far out of my control, and I couldn’t bear it. I left because I didn’t trust myself to be responsible and to keep up with the things that are important to me while also feeling the way I feel about you.”
“The way you feel about me?”
“Of course. You must realize by now that I love you, Prudence. You must not have any doubt left about that.”
“But… but what’s changed?” she asked him. “If you were so worried about how it would affect you to feel something for me, what made you decide to come back and give things a chance after all?”
“Because it’s too late,” he whispered. “What I feel for you is already beyond my ability to control. I can’t take it back now.
I love you, Prudence. I’ve loved you for a long time, and going away to the country can’t change that.
I gave you the chance to leave me because I believed you would do it.
But if you won’t, I certainly don’t have the strength to leave you. ”
He pulled her ever so slightly closer, and Prudence’s breath caught as she looked up into his eyes.
“I won’t,” she said softly. “I’m not leaving this marriage unless you’re forcing my hand, Leonard. Because I love you too. I never wanted you to go at all, and now that your back, I’ll do whatever it takes to get you to stay.”
“You don’t have to do a thing,” he replied.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t admit to my feelings the moment I walked in the door.
I always have a guard up around myself, and it has sabotaged us at every turn.
I know that now. And I promise you, I’ll do everything I can to change that because you deserve so much better.
I’m going to give you everything you deserve from now on, Prudence. I promise you that.”
She pressed a finger to his lips, amazed at her own daring. “Shh,” she said. “No more talking. Kiss me.”
And to her tremendous joy, he did exactly that.