Chapter 5
ROMAN
The first week of being a father sped by quickly. It was a chaotic blur of too little sleep and trying to find a nanny.
The second week of being a father wasn’t as much of a rush. And it wasn’t all bad. With Amber living here and being so eager to help, I felt like I was alive again, not just surviving.
“But how do you know?” I asked her one afternoon when Henry fussed. “How do you know which cries are which?”
She pointed at my son as he grimaced and wailed. “He has to fart. It’s gas.”
I held Emily and shook my head while I watched her rub his tummy. “But how—”
A faint sound came from him and he settled.
Amber smiled and held her hands up. “See?”
Fuck me. Yeah. I see. I see you.
Her smile lit up her whole face, stunning me. Between her demure expressions and her focused frowns, she could be serious. Maybe nervous. But when she let loose and relaxed to smile like this…
Goddamn, you’re gorgeous.
“What?” She furrowed her brow immediately.
Ah, shit. I forgot to wipe this stupid-ass grin off my face. I was getting better at it, picking up on how she’d notice me watching her, admiring her, and she’d get self-conscious. Like she could wonder what anyone would see in her.
Baffling.
We were learning about each other as this went, but that was one of the first clues I’d stored to analyze for later.
She was endearingly oblivious to how sexy she was. Even in a plain T-shirt and pajama pants, her red tresses pulled back in a messy bun, she was a goddess. A lure.
“Nothing.” I smiled quickly. “I’m just amazed that you have this ‘intuition’ and can tell why they’re crying by the sound of it.”
She moved Henry closer to her while we hung out on the couches in my living room. “He was also farting earlier. When they scrunch up their legs, it seems like it’s gas.” She shrugged.
“All right.” I picked up the remote. “Ready for season three? Or do you want to go back to the other show we started yesterday?”
She nodded. “Sure. Whichever you want.”
That was another thing I’d noticed among the late nights of feedings and keeping Emily and Henry as happy as possible in their first month of life.
How passive she was. Maybe it was nothing more than the dynamic of my being her boss.
But once I realized that she never wanted to take the initiative of something that wasn’t hers, I saw the pattern.
With food, she deferred to what I’d like to eat. When we tried to figure out who should shower first so the other was with the twins, she’d let me pick. But it wasn’t just that. When Anya came over and she offered to plan to come over to babysit sometime, Amber told her to decide.
It’s because she works for you.
Of course, she’s not going to make demands.
Yet, as the show played, I watched her out of the corner of my eye and wondered if it was something deeper.
Something… bad.
Because I’d picked up on other clues of what made Amber who she was.
Like when she flinched when Lorne reached over her to catch something that was going to fall one day. Or how she stiffened when I brushed against her side as we made food one night.
Being thrust into a roommate situation came with its challenges.
I’d never had room in my life for a woman other than a temporary visit to my bed.
Having Amber live here as a nanny had become a study.
A project, almost, because the more we clicked and shared my penthouse, the worse my curiosity became.
“Maybe she had a shithead boyfriend?” Sergei guessed the other day when he visited with Natalie.
I shrugged, watching how Amber lit up and played with Maisie. “And that. How is she good at that?”
Sergei glanced over at Amber goofing off with Maisie. Emily was napping while Natalie held Henry and Sergei held Rose.
“She’s so good. With the twins. With Maisie.” I shook my head. “She’s only twenty-one. How is she so skilled with babies and older kids?”
“Maybe she grew up near other kids in the neighborhood.”
I shook my head. “She said she grew up in a small town upstate with her parents until they died last year. She mentioned babysitting a lot when she was younger, but…” I sighed, smiling as Amber and Maisie cracked up with what looked like a game of charades.
“It looks like you’re getting along,” my brother commented.
“Hey, I could get along with the devil himself,” I joked back. “So long as I can sleep and function, I’m a whole different man.”
Before the show ended, I yawned and checked on her. She was leaning on the couch with Henry propped against her chest. Both were fast asleep. I sat with Emily on the chair.
Under Claire’s advice, we hadn’t tried to go out yet. At all. Keeping the babies home was better for their vulnerable immune systems. Even if she hadn’t suggested being homebodies, I would’ve preferred it.
With Amber.
One week wasn’t long to feel close to someone, but pushed into this situation with her, I did.
We were in each other’s space. We were starting to finish each other’s sentences.
I could guess her next move while she seemed ready for mine.
Bonding over the twins was the middle ground we leaned on to get familiar with each other, but lurking back in my mind was the question of how I could get more, how to learn everything about her.
“Can you see me?” I asked my daughter, trying to remember what I read about infants’ range of vision.
She blinked slowly, not really focusing on my face but not crying at my voice.
When she hiccupped, I grinned. Damn near everything she did was adorable and I didn’t care that I was this sappy about her.
About her and Henry. Just like I was learning to have Amber in my life as my nanny, I was learning how to open my heart even wider and embrace all the feelings these two babies made me feel.
Love. Joy. Awe. But other emotions too, since they were so precious and vulnerable—I was also determined, protective, and maybe a little paranoid about whether I was doing this right.
“How about we go to bed, huh?” I whispered to Emily as she held my fingertip. “And maybe let both of us sleep for a couple of hours?”
She pouted.
“One hour?”
She yawned.
“Oh, okay. Three hours. Deal.”
I moved her to her bassinet and returned to the living room. Taking Henry off Amber’s chest, I smiled and moved as slowly and quietly as I could so as not to startle either of them.
Once I had him in his bassinet, I came back out to the living room to put a blanket over Amber.
She sighed, not waking up under the warmth of the throw, and I warred with the impulsive urge to press a kiss to her forehead.
Seeing her relaxed filled me with a sense of satisfaction too.
The twins took up all our time. When I tried to ask Amber about her past, she was guarded and vague.
But I had a hunch that sooner or later, I’d drive myself insane with the mystery that surrounded her. Because I didn’t want her to be a puzzle or enigma for me to solve. I didn’t like the small nagging voice in the back of my head that warned me something bad could be hiding in her story.
Her calm and gentle presence was a godsend in handling the twins.
I was having a hard time accepting the surprise of how much just having her here soothed me, too.