Chapter 18 Amber
AMBER
“Hello? Anybody home?”
I glanced up from changing Henry’s diaper at Anya calling out. “In here.”
I wasn’t expecting her, and I didn’t know why she’d shown up.
I carried Henry on my left and scooped up Emily to prop her against my right hip as I headed out of the nursery.
The young woman was in the living room, smiling at us. “Well, someone looks happy,” she cooed as Emily grinned at her.
I couldn’t help but smile at that. These twins were a joy, and when they were in a good mood, it was infectious. Even when I was otherwise down and tense. “You just missed Roman. He left to talk to Lorne.”
About me. About why those men were following me.
I swallowed down the anxiety that crept up my throat and held me in a chokehold. When Roman said he’d investigate what happened at the park, I felt like it meant he would investigate me when he figured out those men who resembled some of William’s friends were tailing me.
She shrugged and held her arms out, reaching for Emily. “Eh. I wanted to see you.” She took Emily from me and snuggled her, cooing at her. “And you,” she told her enthusiastically. “And you,” she told Henry, tickling his tummy as we carried them to the kitchen.
“I’m really glad that you’re here,” she said.
I raised my brows.
“You’re not that much older than me.” She set Emily in her highchair while I put Henry in his.
“Don’t get me wrong. I like spending time with Claire and Nat.
Sofia’s busy with Esme and all, but you’re closest in age to me.
” She stood up and grinned. When I wasn’t quick enough to smile back as I got the babies’ bottles and some very basic rice puffs ready for them, she furrowed her brow. “What’s wrong?”
I blew out a deep breath, unsure what to tell her. I was unsettled after coming clean to Roman about my fears. Voicing any of what I felt and noticed when those two men tailed me pushed me dangerously close to my secret. To all I wanted to hide forever.
“Someone was following me at the park.”
There. I said it.
“I… I don’t know if I should tell you that. Or whatever. The security around here is intense—”
“No. No.” She was somber as she pulled out a chair next to me, between the twins, and took Emily’s bottle and container of dissolvable rice puffs to give her while I fed Henry. “It’s okay. I mean, you told Roman about this already, right?”
I nodded.
“And Lorne was there?”
I nodded again. “And other guards.”
She furrowed her brow, volleying her attention between Emily and me. “You can talk to me. No secrets need to be kept here.” She patted my knee.
I wished that were true. Those secrets were a waste of time. My secret was too big and dark and scary to let it out in the open.
“Did they do anything or just scare you?” She cringed. “I can’t imagine Lorne letting you be scared like that.”
“I don’t know if he noticed.”
She rolled her eyes, and I realized how dumb I sounded. Maybe he had noticed but was trying to play it cool.
“After the break-in, I just… I’ve been more nervous than usual,” I added. “I couldn’t tell whether I was imagining someone tailing me or what.”
“That’s understandable. But my cousin doesn’t take the security around here lightly. My father doesn’t either. All of them in the family.”
I lowered my gaze, getting a couple more rice puffs out for Henry to find on the highchair tray. “I know. I’ve never really understood why, though.” Peering at her, I hoped she’d explain more.
“My family heads up some very important businesses in the city. And as someone with his power and wealth, it’s a given that someone will try to take from him.”
That made sense, but… something didn’t add up at the same time. I knew all too well how money could be abused, like how William used it to buy himself despicable friends.
“Have there been security issues before?”
To my surprise, she answered quickly, without thought. “Oh, yeah. Lots of issues.” Opening her eyes wide, she slapped on a sheepish smile. “Do not worry, though.”
Ha.
Easier said than done.
I wished I could stop worrying, but all while she visited and helped me with the twins, and after she left and I began their bathtime routine, I did the opposite.
I worried.
I dreaded.
I agonized and fretted and overthought it all.
With Anya listening to me and not putting any pressure on me to talk, I almost wanted to cave and give in. I debated on confessing my secret, that I came here to hide from my adoptive father and his friends. That I was here under the guise of a fake identity so he couldn’t track me.
Shame stopped me from opening my mouth, though.
Fear held me back from being honest with her, whom I did feel closest to as a friend since we were so close in age.
Once I was on my own again, with Emily and Henry as they had their baths, I ran through all the horrible nightmares in my head.
If I told Roman that I was here with a fake name, a liar just to get the job, he’d lose his trust in me.
And if I were to explain more, that I was the adopted daughter of a predatory, rich, and powerful man, he’d get mad that I duped him at all.
Worst yet, if I broke down and further explained that I had run from the “home” I had because William had let me be raped, he’d be disgusted and send me packing.
Because of my past, my secret, I knew in the bottom of my heart that I was nothing more than damaged goods. Due to that incident, when I was assaulted in the worst way a girl could be, I was a filthy waste, not good enough for someone like him.
I sniffled, willing myself not to cry as I rocked the twins in the oversized chair.
Never good enough.
For anyone.
Not as an unwanted child in the orphanage or tossed around from one foster home to another.
Not as an adult with the stain of being raped before.
In Roman’s arms, with him over me and making me come, I could banish the label of being damaged goods. His ease and mastery at making me shatter apart with bliss erased the past. But it was still imprinted on my soul.
“I can’t tell him,” I whispered to the twins as they grew sleepier and sleepier nestled against me.
“I can’t take a chance that he’d ever forgive me, ever want to look at me again.”
They didn’t reply with anything other than closing their little eyes.
It wasn’t fair. Life was nothing but a gamble of surviving, and here in this home and with this family, I wanted so badly to believe in the future. In deserving happiness.
But I wasn’t fooling myself.
Roman would be furious that I’d lied at all.
That I’d done so knowing I had a target on my back. Being here at all was extending danger to his son and daughter, too.
Hours ago, when I hurried in here to tell Roman about the incident at the park, it had felt so good.
In a twisted way, I felt relieved to spill the details that I knew.
I had no interest in hiding that from him, not when the twins had been there.
It would destroy me if he lost his faith in me to keep them safe.
“I will protect you with all I am,” I whispered to them, kissing the tops of their heads one at a time while they rested against my chest.
It was hard to open up at all. Telling Roman had been a risk.
But I overcame that fear to be direct with him.
I did feel better afterward, coming clean about those men following me at the park.
Nothing could’ve triggered me to add that I’d feared they were William’s friends or associates of his.
But I had been able to breathe easier after sharing my concerns with him.
Just so long as you don’t find the real reason I’m here.
The main motivation for why I can’t bear the thought of leaving.
I closed my eyes at the pang of heartache in my chest.
That was a lie.
I damn well had come here to hide.
Now that I’d been here and knew how good it was with him, I had to be honest with myself and admit that the reason I wanted to stay was so much bigger than the initial need to shelter from William.
“Where will I ever belong?” I whispered to the babies as they fell asleep.
It seemed more and more impossible that I could ever count on a forever here, with Roman as my man and these twins as my children, even though I already loved them as if they were truly my own.